Severe early drought affects people, animals and crops alike throughout Balkan region
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Contributor: My last garden
Someday we will leave this house where we've lived, incredibly, for close to 45 years. Maybe a new McMansion will push us away, looming over us and blocking the winter sunrise I watch from our living room, cup of coffee in hand. Maybe we'll decide to move near the kids, instead of visiting them for stretches. Or maybe my husband or I will take a bad fall, making even the three steps to our front door insurmountable. Maybe that will be the moment we go. My mother stayed in her house past the point of being able to disperse a lifetime of family photos, books and the rest. So, like Egyptian royalty, she cocooned with it all. Neat stacks of New Yorkers she 'intended' to read filled an entire bookcase in her bedroom. The 1940s Toby jugs she collected in Victoria, Canada, as a young Navy WAVE officer nestled, bubble-wrapped, in a closet, some carefully glued back together after the 1994 Northridge earthquake. So much 'sparked joy' for her, or at least a duty to preserve. I'm determined to live lighter — certainly to die with less — and I have made some progress giving things away. But my husband and I struggle with the bigger decision of moving: knowing when and to where, that's the trick. Our ruminations and the recent deaths of friends infuse our life here in Los Angeles with a preciousness which, as summer rises, centers on my small garden. The Meyer lemons have ripened into big, juicy softballs. The Valencia blossoms have morphed into countless tiny green oranges. That tree predated us in this house and remains so prolific that in some years local food-bank gleaners have bagged 500 pounds of ripe fruit. Jasmine flowers spill over our brick planters. The trumpet tree's exotic scent lures nocturnal moths into its bright yellow cone petals. Taking out the trash after dark sometimes feels like a visit to Bloomingdale's fragrance counter. My night-blooming cereus, once a small potted plant, now the size of Audrey II from 'Little Shop of Horrors,' is on its third round of buds. Pollinators come calling as dusk descends and the 8-inch flowers languidly unfurl their white petals. Sometimes a dozen or more blooms open over an evening — like the Hollywood Bowl's Fourth of July fireworks finale, minus the '1812 Overture.' Of course, I can buy fresh lemons and flowers wherever we end up living. But there is such quotidian joy for me in these lemons and those flowers. I'm a negligent gardener. Rainstorms invariably seed a carpet of weeds; my winter lettuce bolts before I notice. Bare spots need new plants. I should spend a solid week out there, plucking, fertilizing and replanting. Even so, things mostly grow. I would miss the trees in our 1948 tract. Jacaranda blooms a couple of blocks over dust cars and make a canopy of lavender. In fall, tiny yellow blossoms from the golden rain trees carpet our street. Still, my husband and I are beginning to feel old here. Young families replace neighbors who've died or moved. Little girls in pink leotards twirl on their lawns. Halloween is a big deal on our street again. All as it should be. Our fellow seniors, some longtime friends, still briskly walk the streets. But ramps for wheelchairs and sturdy railings have appeared on some front porches. Local real-estate agents pester us long-timers to sell. Simplify your life, they helpfully suggest. Move to a condo or near your children before it's 'too late.' I'm still upright, yet each year I feel the decision drawing closer. The kids and young grandchildren live in the Northwest, which we love, and being there full time we'd be more a part of their lives. However, at our age, moving means giving up not just this house but, realistically, any house and, likely, a garden. How I will miss my weedy little Giverny. An older neighbor planted sweet peas every year so that the vines wound up her chain link fence. The spring after she died, her house vacant and her presence sorely missed, a mass of flowers reappeared, all color and delicious scent. Whenever we move on, I hope the next gardener will delight in the magenta alstroemeria flowers that emerge every spring, unbidden. Or perhaps as the agapanthus blooms — those swaying lavender balls — knock gently against her family's car as she backs out of the driveway, she'll shake her head at the magic of it all. Molly Selvin, a former staff writer for the Los Angeles Times and editor-in-chief of the California Supreme Court Historical Society's Review, writes for Blueprint magazine and other publications. This article was produced in partnership with Zócalo Public Square. If it's in the news right now, the L.A. Times' Opinion section covers it. Sign up for our weekly opinion newsletter. This story originally appeared in Los Angeles Times. Solve the daily Crossword
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What to Say When You Want to Break Up: Classy & Kind Options
One of the most difficult situations to be in is trying to figure out what to say when you want to break up with someone. You don't want to hurt the other person, and you may even still love them. Most people who experience a breakup are in pain — saying the right things can help make it easier. In some ways, it's easier to break up with someone if the person has done something awful to you. If your partner cheats on you, you have a perfect reason and no need to justify your decision to end things. However, life isn't always that cut and dried. Sometimes the signs of a relationship breaking up are more subtle and harder to understand. Sometimes you don't even know why it is you are breaking up — you only know you have to. Quick Tip Breaking up with someone kindly is about seeing the situation from their perspective. Before you sit down to talk, take a minute to think about how this will be for them. This can make it a little more painful for you, but it will help you choose your words carefully and show kindness during this difficult moment. We've got a few communication strategies that will help you know what to say when you want to break up. Related: Be Clear and Concise Everyone knows that "We need to talk" is a signal of an unpleasant conversation to follow, so try not to beat around the bush. Don't draw out the agony by going through all the reasons and then saying "... so that's why I think we should break up." Throughout the whole explanation, you are giving the person the false hope that you are still trying to make things work. Start out by being clear, and then go into the reasons why, if necessary. They may have come to the same conclusion — and a simple "Yes, I think you're right," ends the conversation. You can say: "I think we need to break up." "I feel like it would be best if we ended our relationship." "I haven't been feeling fully satisfied in this relationship and think it would be best if we broke up." "After some thought, I think we should end our relationship." "I no longer want to continue our relationship." Related: Be Open and Truthful You probably wouldn't want your partner to lie to you, so be realistic and truthful about why you are breaking up. If it's communication, tell the person where you think it broke down and be honest about it. If you simply grew apart, tell them honestly where you think your values diverged and why they aren't compatible. Most of all, if you don't really know why but you just need to break up, explain that as well. You can try: "I don't feel the same way about you as I used to." "This relationship isn't fulfilling my needs anymore." "I'm not comfortable staying together knowing that we are on two very different paths." "I don't feel right continuing a relationship that I can't see making it long term." "In thinking about our future, I don't think we are compatible in the long run." Quick Tip Remember that being honest is not an excuse to be cruel. For example, if your partner is no longer attractive to you, you don't need to say "I think you're ugly." Instead, you can say something that preserves your partner's dignity and treats them with kindness. Use Self-Reflecting Communication While "it's not you, it's me" may be true, it's basically a cliche now. Even so, you do want to try to use as many "I" statements as possible because "you" statements can easily come across as being accusatory. "You don't listen anymore!" blames the other person, whereas "I can't seem to communicate with you" takes some personal responsibility. Owning your feelings isn't the same as taking the blame, and most of the time, blame doesn't help anyway. Remember that sometimes life just gets in the way of even the most well-intentioned relationship, and just because a relationship is ending does not mean that it was a failure. People move on to new stages of growth throughout their lives, and there's no guarantee that they will always grow together. You can say: "I am having a difficult time communicating my needs to you, and I think I need to take some time to work on myself." "I don't think our relationship is healthy for me to continue being a part of and think we should break up." "I am feeling hurt by some things in our history, and I think it would be best to move on." "I do not feel confident in our relationship succeeding going forward." "I no longer feel happy in our relationship, and I think we should break up." Related: Sometimes the timing just isn't right or you love each other very much but can't see a path forward. It's not easy to know what to say when breaking up with someone you love, but remembering these things can help you find the right words: Separate your choice from your feelings. You can say, "I really love you, but this relationship is not going to work for me. I need for us to break up." Be very clear. Saying you love someone can easily send a mixed message, so make sure they know you are sure of your decision to end things. Allow yourself to grieve. Breaking up with someone you love is really painful. You can acknowledge that when you break up too by telling them this is hard for you. Forgive yourself. Even if the other person is mad or hurt, you're doing what you need to do to take care of yourself. You can say that if you feel like you're getting some blame. Resist the urge to speak for how you both feel or whether the relationship is "worth it" when you're breaking up with someone. A lack of clarity isn't kind either. Whether you're breaking up over text, in person, or on the phone, there are a few things you should not say: "I'm not really sure what I want." "This isn't worth the hassle." "This is better for both of us." "We can both do better." "You'll forget about me in a week." What is most important is not necessarily what you say to break up with someone but rather how you say it. When you're breaking up with someone, you both will likely be in a lot of pain — so try to say things as kindly as possible. If you can keep from lashing out at your partner in a defensive reaction, you will be much more likely to come to a mutual understanding of why the breakup needs to happen. That will help you both move on and leave your relationship to become a fond memory rather than a deep scar. Solve the daily Crossword
