How to get your partner to do MORE around the house – in 5 simple steps that might just save your relationship

The Sun

07-06-2025

DO you find yourself resenting your partner? This could be because you are the one carrying the 'mental load' in the relationship.
'It's that never-ending to-do list you're constantly adding to in your mind of tasks that are mostly invisible,' says Dr Morgan Cutlip, relationship expert and author of A Better Share.
6
While doing the laundry or making dinner are obvious chores, the 'invisible' burdens include decision-making and balancing the family's emotional needs.
When most tasks land in your lap, it can chip away at your romantic feelings towards your partner. 'I can't tell you how many women have said to me: 'I don't even like him any more', 'I don't want to touch him', or 'I don't trust him',' says Morgan.
But the point of Morgan's book is not to bash men. 'For the most part, male partners want to make us happy, be helpful, be good partners.'
But she agrees women have every reason to feel angry. 'There are deep dynamics at play, plus feelings of unfairness and unappreciation, which can develop into resentment,' she says.
So why can't you just divvy up tasks equally? You've probably already tried that, only to become more annoyed when said tasks are left undone. It's time to take a new approach to make habits stick.
Start here. . .
UNDERSTAND THE MENTAL LOAD
6
One of the most frustrating things that women feel about carrying the mental load is that their partner just doesn't 'get it'.
But even women themselves don't always fully appreciate the toll of carrying the mental load, because it might have become their norm.
The mental load can be broken down into three areas:
The physical: The most visible part of the mental load (doing the dishes, the laundry) that people can mistake for being the only part.
The cognitive: Tasks that require mental effort, such as organising playdates, writing shopping lists, planning dinner, remembering to respond to emails, sign forms and general decision-making.
The emotional: The weight carried by managing the experiences of family members, thinking about the implications of every decision, taking on the burden when they go wrong, trying to regulate your own emotional responses… The stakes feel high, and it never ends.
Relationship expert shares three tell-tale signs your relationship is falling apart
'The triple threat is where these overlap, and that's what men don't always understand,' says Morgan.
For example, knowing or predicting what needs to be done (mental), carrying that task out (physical), and evaluating the toll or outcome that action could have (emotional).
This can even apply to something as simple as making dinner!
TAKE THE INITIATIVE
6
Of course, in an ideal world, our partners would simply take the initiative themselves, but as any of us who have tried – and failed – to get our other halves to step up will know, it's not always that simple.
'I understand the righteous anger so many women feel,' says Morgan.
'But I'm also a believer in the end goal, and that is to have a fairer, more equitable relationship where you both feel loved and supported, and your home life is shared between the two of you.'
To get that, she advises being clear about what you need.
'You could say: 'Tomorrow is a busy morning, so I'd like you to take care of the kids' packed lunches. Do you have any questions?'
It's a way of your partner taking on something that you would normally handle, making something invisible visible, and increasing their knowledge when they ask how something is done.
Your partner can't take the initiative if they don't know how your home functions, or your kids' preferences.'
However, the onus is also on your partner to increase their knowledge. Don't accept incompetence as an excuse. For example: 'You do it better than me', or: 'I just don't know how'.
Morgan recommends the Buffett Formula, based on investor Warren Buffett's ethos. 'Every day your partner should get to know one new thing about you, one new thing about your children (if you have them), and one new thing about how your home and family function,' says Morgan.
'Your partner could also ask: 'What's on your plate today?' then offer to take things on.
It means they're taking the initiative to handle something.' If they don't know how to do a task, all they have to do is ask.
SHOW GREATER APPRECIATION
6
Even a little acknowledgement of how much we stretch ourselves would go a long way to helping you feel better.
But it is a two-way street. When your partner does something, Morgan suggests using the 'ultimate compliment formula' to show appreciation.
Observe what they are doing, plus the positive impact it will have on your life. 'It might be something like: 'I see how hard you work to put snacks together for our kids and I am so grateful because I know they're never going to get ' hangry '.
"Thank you for taking care of that, because I don't ever have to worry about it,'' says Morgan.
'It's deepening and expanding the way you interact with one another, creating more warmth and diffusing tension.'
You may not feel much like praising your partner, but Morgan says it prompts reciprocation. 'It will dramatically shift your relationship,' she explains.
OVERCOME A RESISTANT PARTNER
6
Some couples can't even talk about chores without it turning into an argument.
Usually this stems from the other partner 'being defensive, dismissive, or minimising the reality of the situation by saying things like: 'You make it harder than you need to', or: 'Your expectations are too high', and it ends up with an argument about who's more exhausted,' warns Morgan.
'The reality is we often have this ideal that we wish for our relationship, but we are not treating one another in a way that gets us to that outcome.
"So, we have to bring that to the surface. Ask your partner: 'What do you wish it was like to be in this relationship together?'
"And then follow it up with: 'So, what are you willing to do to help us get there?''
LEARN TO BE A TEAM
6
Morgan recommends regular SHARE (Scheduled Home and Relationship Effort) meetings. 'It is a chance to touch base about the responsibilities in your home, how fair things are feeling, how your sex life is, how you're supporting each other and so on.
They become part of the natural rhythm of your relationship, which helps to diffuse a lot of the anxiety that having these types of conversations can create.' It might feel awkward – and that's OK! Try to have a laugh about it, too.
'Remember, the mental load needs to be the villain in the story,' says Morgan.
'My goal is for couples to have a deeper and clearer perspective on one another's experiences, because when they understand and feel aligned with one another, they can start to view the mental load as the enemy and each other as teammates.'
A Better Share: How Couples Can Tackle The Mental Load For More Fun, Less Resentment And Great Sex by Dr Morgan Cutlip is out July 3 (£20, Thomas Nelson).