'I was in so much pain I couldn't bond with my new baby'

Wales Online

05-05-2025

'I was in so much pain I couldn't bond with my new baby'
Mum of two Bethany Paines-Chumbley believes there is stigma around new mums saying they are struggling after she found it hard bonding with her baby
Bethany Paines-Chumbley from Barry, with son Idris
(Image: Bethany Paines-Chumbley )
A mum has spoken about how hard she found it to bond with her new baby and felt she couldn't look after him properly. Things got so bad that the mum of two from Barry struggled to go out with her newborn son and avoided putting him to bed at night.
Bethany Paines-Chumbley, believes there is stigma around new parents admitting they are struggling. The NHS worker said she was anxious about pain from an undiagnosed condition flaring up after giving birth to her baby son Idris.
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That worry soon spiralled and stopped the 30-year-old enjoying motherhood. Bethany said doctors "ignored" her condition and she struggled on for months in pain and with anxiety.
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'It got to the point where I couldn't go out on my own with Idris, and I'd avoid putting him to bed at night – my husband had to do it," Bethany said, 'I was left feeling that I couldn't look after our baby properly, and that I wasn't a good enough mum.' You can get more story updates straight to your inbox by subscribing to our newsletters here
Bethany Paines-Chumbley from Barry, with husband Matt, son Idris and daughter Arianwen
(Image: Sweet Pea Photography )
Bethany, already mum to Arianwen, said she unexpectedly needed support after the birth of her second child. The Health Wales programme manager began experiencing abdominal pains due to undiagnosed gallstones after giving birth to Idris in November 2023.
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Eventually a nurse at Bethany's GP surgery suggested she tried a new NHS mental service which she can access whenever she wants. Now, after months of anxiety she says she has rediscovered the joy of motherhood, but believes too many people struggle on alone.
"It started with undiagnosed gall stones and I was dismissed by doctors. Because I was in pain and had flare ups I would get anxious about a flare up happening and it then spiralled into everything. I was tired and in pain. I started thinking people were laughing at me.
"My son was born in November 2023 and by the beginning of 2024 I was starting to spiral."
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The physical pain soon spiralled into emotional distress, with anxiety making it increasingly difficult for Bethany to care for Idris, now 18 months old.
'I felt like I was struggling to bond with my baby because I was always in pain, which in turn left me feeling anxious all the time," said Bethany.
'I was left feeling that I couldn't look after our baby properly, and that I wasn't a good enough mum.'
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Bethany saw a mental health nurse at her local GP surgery who referred her for virtual counselling sessions with the support service, Canopi, and signposted her to the NHS virtual mental health service app known as SilverCloud.
'It meant that, even though I had a referral for another intervention, I could do something in the meantime to help myself, rather than waiting and potentially getting worse.'
SilverCloud programmes, which help with things like breathing and mindfulness activities, are accessible 24 hours a day and can be used on a phone, laptop or tablet with an internet connection.
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"I liked the fact that there were stories from other people who'd gone through similar experiences – it really helped me feel as though I was not alone in my struggles.
'I learned to understand how my mind was working. I could recognise when those anxious thoughts were starting to creep in, and I learned not to feed into them.
'It's had a really positive impact. I was worrying all the time that I didn't have that bond with my baby, but when I look back I realise the bond was there all along – I was just anxious and unwell.
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'Now I can enjoy all those little moments that make being a mum such a joy.'
With help suggested on the app Bethany learned and did deep breathing and mindfulness to help manage her anxiety. She said it helped her identify what she was worrying about and how to try to control that.
"It puts things into perspective and is practical and useful. You get a person assigned to you to message and it is useful that it is online because it fits in - you can do it at home while the baby is asleep.
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"It helped me understand how my mind is working and quotes other mums struggling so it made me feel less alone.
"It shows you can help yourself. I feel much, much better and like my normal self. I do still have days when I feel anxious but that's normal.
"I have a monitoring diary and try to think of three good things that have happened that day. I would say to other people in this position to reach out for help earlier."
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Eventually Bethany's pain was diagnosed as gallstones and she had them removed, but by that time she was already dealing well with the anxiety they had fed into.
Now she is through what was a bad experience, Bethany said she realises that many new mums (and dads) who may be finding it hard to cope and urged them to seek help and not feel stigma.
"In ante natal classes it's mainly about sleep and no one talks about other things. There is a bit of a stigma to say you are struggling as a new mum. It's almost as if it has to be hush hush.
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"It is OK to struggle and probably in different ways everyone finds new motherhood hard. It is a cliche but a problem shared is a problem halved."
Jennavieve West, an online supporter with the NHS Wales' Online CBT Service, said: "It can be totally normal to feel stressed, anxious or low in the perinatal period, but getting the wellbeing support you need doesn't have to mean keeping to appointments or attending clinics.
'Help is there when and where you need it – and that might well be that spare 10 minutes you can grab between feeds, and in the comfort of your own home.'
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SilverCloud® Wales is available to anyone aged 16 and over living in Wales, without GP referral. To sign up, visit nhswales.silvercloudhealth.com