This cruise doc was crying out for a special Scottish someone

The Herald Scotland

15 hours ago

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THERE'S a certain Netflix documentary doing the rounds that is so disgusting anyone would think its makers were out to ruin the cruise industry.
In contrast, Supercruising: Life at Sea is ship shape and Bristol fashion, so much so you may feel obliged to greet its arrival with a salute. This is old-school documentary making, nothing fussy or snide. That it is on Channel 4 primetime shows how the channel, and the average age of its audience have changed. We are all sailing towards the sunset now.
The eight-part series is set on the MS Neuw Statendam and its sister ship MS Rotterdam. Both are part of the Holland America Line, set to sail a full season for the first time in a decade - another sign of the boom times in the industry.
The facts and stats arrive thick and fast, some more useful than others. Is it worth knowing that passengers get through 750 kilos of lobster in a typical fortnight? But then the most important part of the cruise, after the sun and the sea, is the grub.
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Craving for fun facts satisfied, the producers set out to find those all-important 'characters' any self-respecting documentary needs. We met Claire and Graham from Nottingham, celebrating their 40th anniversary with a stay in one of the luxury cabins. I can't tell you how much they paid because no prices were given.
Another couple, Pam and Barry from Lincoln, joked about spending the kids' inheritance. There was a lot of that going on. At least Thomas and Shauna from Kentucky, celebrating their 20th anniversary, had brought their son along.
Crew singled out for attention included Rich Fontaine, who sounded like he ought to be part of the cabaret but was the ship's security officer. He'd been in the business 40 years, watching security change with the times. These days, passengers had to pass through scanners, the main purpose of which seemed to be to catch anyone sneaking a kettle on board. Better to seize them at the dock than risk a fire at sea, said Rich.
We also met Captain Eric (Dutch) and executive chef Jundiel (Philippines). Most of the crew seemed to be from the Philippines. Cruise ships are often compared to small towns, but they are more like a floating United Nations with its rich and poor members, those who are served and those who do the serving.
There was no talk of such things, nor was there any mention of cruising's impact on the environment. Perhaps that's for later in the series.
Something else was missing, and at first I couldn't pin down what it was. Then it came to me: four foot nothing, Scottish, does bank adverts, never met a holiday she didn't love - Susan Calman, of course.
It ought to be compulsory to hire Calman whenever a cruise documentary is made. Without her zipping around like an over-caffeinated whirlwind, jollying everything and everyone along, series like this can be a tad, well, boring. Got a cruise? Call for Calman!