A Decade of Marriage Equality

New York Times

3 days ago

In 2011, my now-husband and I made a pilgrimage that was then common for gay couples: We went to Massachusetts to marry. The ceremony, on a beach in the small town of Marblehead, was wonderful. Our families visited from Venezuela, Spain and across the U.S. An older lesbian couple who watched from afar later told us that they had teared up from admiration at seeing a young gay couple publicly declare their love.
But when I went back home to Ohio, it was almost as if the wedding never happened. The state, where I still live, didn't recognize same-sex marriages. For years, my husband and I couldn't file taxes or claim benefits as a married couple. Only the Supreme Court's 2015 ruling in Obergefell v. Hodges — a case filed against Ohio's health director — forced every state to legally recognize marriages like mine.
No policy decision has had more of an effect on my life. Of course, there's the legal side — the taxes and government benefits. But there has also been a cultural shift. Growing up, my peers routinely used 'gay,' 'queer' and the F-slur to insult each other. I distinctly remember a high school classmate interrupting health class to shout, 'It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!'
Yet here was the country's highest court legalizing my marriage. After the ruling, the president at the time, Barack Obama, celebrated the decision, lighting the White House in rainbow colors. I finally got the validation that teenage me, surrounded by bigotry, thought he never would.
Thursday was the 10th anniversary of that ruling. As part of The Times's coverage of the milestone, the Modern Love column asked readers to describe what the ruling has meant for them. I recommend reading all of their lovely stories. Below are some excerpts.
Adam Wallenfang, Chicago:
In America, we're taught that we can become anything we want. But growing up gay meant putting asterisks next to my aspirations.
I could become a teacher (which I did), but it would be touchy to be openly gay. I could fall in love (which I did), but my marriage would be only as binding as the Swiss cheese network of states that recognized it. I could become a father (which I did), but that act of devotion would be mired in legalities that felt designed to dissuade.
Obergefell erased many of those caveats, making my and my husband's hopes feel possible. Someday, our daughter will learn that her country once forbade her dads to marry. But when we tell her that she can become anything she wants in today's America, the message will be truer.
Neil Rafferty, Birmingham, Ala.:
My partner and I were born and bred in Alabama. We learned to swim in these rivers. Our blood permeates this red soil. Alabama is our home. And we weren't going to get married anywhere else. We met in 2004, served together in the Marines under 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell,' survived it all. With Obergefell, we were finally able to marry. In our home, where we belong, with the people we love.
Marina Rota, Los Angeles:
For decades I felt superior to the institution of marriage. I didn't need anyone to tell me that my relationships were valid or how they should be celebrated. But in 2022, my partner, Sara, was diagnosed with A.L.S. and would soon be gone. I was devastated — and, suddenly, desperate to marry her.
Without marriage, there would be no legal record of our love, nor any spiritual record in the form of ceremony. I could not live with that.
So there we were in our living room, just two days before Sara passed, saying our vows in front of a rabbi. I stood beside Sara in her wheelchair, while her sons and our friends held the huppah. Autumn light streaming through our windows, I was deeply grateful for the right to marry the woman I love.
Brandon Carrillo, Stamford, Conn.:
After the decision, my mother burst into my bedroom, yelling, 'You can get married!' My sexuality felt taboo within my family of Filipino and Mexican immigrants. Their silence left me isolated and anxious. But that morning, that tension began to break. My mom's face, filled with joy, ironically communicated so much of her unspoken fear. For both of us, Obergefell meant that I could be accepted and protected throughout our country. Smiling, I replied, 'I can.'
More anniversary coverage
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