'Like a bunch of cockies standing around': TV farmers reunite in a long goodbye
Before we begin the excruciatingly slow chats on the couch, all the boys march down the driveway and have a coldie and super awkward chat.
Farmer Jack says he's "grown as a person" - but apparently not in height.
Farmer Jarrad is wearing a 'I love James Blundell' T-shirt. Just kidding. They were undies.
The boys stand together, and while Jack eyes farmers Corey and Thomas (hoping he will be that tall when he grows up), they all talk in code about where their relationships are up to.
It's much like a bunch of cockies standing around boasting about their prices at the yards without actually giving the price per head.
Thomas is the first to plonk on the couch.
For the next 10 minutes, I feel like I have stumbled into a private counselling session, and his counsellor wants to focus on how crap he is in relationships.
We have to hear all about Claire and the texting scandal again, and everyone acts shocked about it, especially Jarrad, who nearly wets his pants with horror.
Thomas mans up - and lets Claire take all the blame.
When he talks about ending up with Clarette, Thomas sounds like the underbidder at a bull sale.
We hear how Clarette stayed at the farm for a few weeks. My favourite part of the night was hearing that Thomas' mum kept calling Clarette 'Claire'. I kept wishing for Nat to make the same mistake.
Clarette is still demanding a house at the coast.
This is pretty much how the convo went:
Thomas: do you want to get married or build a house first?
Clarette: I hate your guts, so build me a house first.
Thomas: I love you Claire, I mean Clarette.
Clarette: I'm getting new fancy eyebrows.
They're still together, and when he says that he's 'lucky she is so forgiving', she has the look of a ewe that just got a mouthful of drench.
Farmer Corey is second up on the couch and appears to still be coming to terms with the idea of a long distance relationship.
Nat wastes no time getting into the juicy bit: the much-discussed "moving to the farm" saga.
Despite clearly being allergic to long distance, Farmer Corey picked Keeley - the charming Victorian optometrist with an annoying work contract that is in the way of her instant relocation to Biloela, Qld.
Farmer Corey said this delay "would kill me", however, he defied the odds and is still with us.
They decided to give long-distance a red-hot go anyway, which Farmer Corey describes as "very tough".
Now it's slowly dawning on Keeley that she might have to hang up the optometry tools and relocate to Biloela sooner than planned before he gives up and marries a hay bale.
Throughout the recap, Farmer Corey and Nat repeat the phrase "this is exactly what you didn't want".
We get it, guys.
Eventually, Keeley joins him on the couch, confirming they are "still very much together" and "madly in love".
When asked, ONCE AGAIN, when she's moving to Biloela, Keeley performs a dazzling verbal tap dance routine, expertly avoiding anything resembling a commitment.
But fear not! Farmer Corey confidently tells us he's found a wife in Keeley... just not a geographically present one.
It's time for Jack to climb up in his high chair and have a chat.
We hear how he and Sarah got matching flannies and hung out on the farm.
She had to return to Cairns to do some stuff (babysitting, no doubt), so ominous music starts to play.
He grimaces as she walks down the stairs just like you smile at an agent you no longer use when you pass them at the saleyards.
Sarah launches into complaints about his communication, and it's frostier than a toilet seat in Oberon.
But alas - it's all fine. They were just pretending - kindergarten kids are such tricksters these days.
Farmer Jarrad and his hat make their way to the couch.
Honestly, it feels like we saw him back in the stone age, because he left the experience early days, choosing Chloe as his one and only.
Apparently, Farmer Jarrad is a very busy man, which mostly translates to "good luck catching me off-camera".
Chloe quickly discovered he was harder to pin down than a runaway sheep once the cameras stopped rolling.
Chloe arrives on the couch and they look like a regular, happy couple until Nat hits them with the dreaded, "I almost forgot to ask, are you guys still together?"
"No, unfortunately we're not," Chloe says.
Apparently, their lives are on different paths at the moment, but Chloe leaves the door open for a relationship with Farmer Jarrad down the track. Sort of.
Farmer Tom is the last one on the couch, and seriously, it's like 11pm.
Farmer Corey's eyes, like ours, have been getting more bloodshot as the night wears on.
Farmer Tom reckons he rushed into it with Georgie, and dramatic music starts to play, like Vin Diesel is about to burst into the room.
Turns out they are together, but instead of moving straight in, she is thinking about buying a house in nearby Wagga.
He reckons he's going to propose soon - I reckon I'm going to topple over from sleep deprivation soon.
But we all make it. The happy couples slow dance in the dark, and a huge opportunity was missed to ask Farmer Jarrad to sing a song specially composed for this occasion.
It would go a little like this:
Something you will never know,
is I'd never seen a sheep until a month ago.
Thomas went completely barmy
and met his love Claire for a chicken parmy.
Farmer Jack is literally five
He's just learned how to use a fork and knife.
Giraffes are Farmer Tom's fave
And Corey got shat on in a cave.
I reckon James Blundell will be releasing it within a month.
Well, we are finally up to the Farmer Wants a Wife reunion, and after an hour and 40 minutes of blank stares, I felt like breaking up too.
Before we begin the excruciatingly slow chats on the couch, all the boys march down the driveway and have a coldie and super awkward chat.
Farmer Jack says he's "grown as a person" - but apparently not in height.
Farmer Jarrad is wearing a 'I love James Blundell' T-shirt. Just kidding. They were undies.
The boys stand together, and while Jack eyes farmers Corey and Thomas (hoping he will be that tall when he grows up), they all talk in code about where their relationships are up to.
It's much like a bunch of cockies standing around boasting about their prices at the yards without actually giving the price per head.
Thomas is the first to plonk on the couch.
For the next 10 minutes, I feel like I have stumbled into a private counselling session, and his counsellor wants to focus on how crap he is in relationships.
We have to hear all about Claire and the texting scandal again, and everyone acts shocked about it, especially Jarrad, who nearly wets his pants with horror.
Thomas mans up - and lets Claire take all the blame.
When he talks about ending up with Clarette, Thomas sounds like the underbidder at a bull sale.
We hear how Clarette stayed at the farm for a few weeks. My favourite part of the night was hearing that Thomas' mum kept calling Clarette 'Claire'. I kept wishing for Nat to make the same mistake.
Clarette is still demanding a house at the coast.
This is pretty much how the convo went:
Thomas: do you want to get married or build a house first?
Clarette: I hate your guts, so build me a house first.
Thomas: I love you Claire, I mean Clarette.
Clarette: I'm getting new fancy eyebrows.
They're still together, and when he says that he's 'lucky she is so forgiving', she has the look of a ewe that just got a mouthful of drench.
Farmer Corey is second up on the couch and appears to still be coming to terms with the idea of a long distance relationship.
Nat wastes no time getting into the juicy bit: the much-discussed "moving to the farm" saga.
Despite clearly being allergic to long distance, Farmer Corey picked Keeley - the charming Victorian optometrist with an annoying work contract that is in the way of her instant relocation to Biloela, Qld.
Farmer Corey said this delay "would kill me", however, he defied the odds and is still with us.
They decided to give long-distance a red-hot go anyway, which Farmer Corey describes as "very tough".
Now it's slowly dawning on Keeley that she might have to hang up the optometry tools and relocate to Biloela sooner than planned before he gives up and marries a hay bale.
Throughout the recap, Farmer Corey and Nat repeat the phrase "this is exactly what you didn't want".
We get it, guys.
Eventually, Keeley joins him on the couch, confirming they are "still very much together" and "madly in love".
When asked, ONCE AGAIN, when she's moving to Biloela, Keeley performs a dazzling verbal tap dance routine, expertly avoiding anything resembling a commitment.
But fear not! Farmer Corey confidently tells us he's found a wife in Keeley... just not a geographically present one.
It's time for Jack to climb up in his high chair and have a chat.
We hear how he and Sarah got matching flannies and hung out on the farm.
She had to return to Cairns to do some stuff (babysitting, no doubt), so ominous music starts to play.
He grimaces as she walks down the stairs just like you smile at an agent you no longer use when you pass them at the saleyards.
Sarah launches into complaints about his communication, and it's frostier than a toilet seat in Oberon.
But alas - it's all fine. They were just pretending - kindergarten kids are such tricksters these days.
Farmer Jarrad and his hat make their way to the couch.
Honestly, it feels like we saw him back in the stone age, because he left the experience early days, choosing Chloe as his one and only.
Apparently, Farmer Jarrad is a very busy man, which mostly translates to "good luck catching me off-camera".
Chloe quickly discovered he was harder to pin down than a runaway sheep once the cameras stopped rolling.
Chloe arrives on the couch and they look like a regular, happy couple until Nat hits them with the dreaded, "I almost forgot to ask, are you guys still together?"
"No, unfortunately we're not," Chloe says.
Apparently, their lives are on different paths at the moment, but Chloe leaves the door open for a relationship with Farmer Jarrad down the track. Sort of.
Farmer Tom is the last one on the couch, and seriously, it's like 11pm.
Farmer Corey's eyes, like ours, have been getting more bloodshot as the night wears on.
Farmer Tom reckons he rushed into it with Georgie, and dramatic music starts to play, like Vin Diesel is about to burst into the room.
Turns out they are together, but instead of moving straight in, she is thinking about buying a house in nearby Wagga.
He reckons he's going to propose soon - I reckon I'm going to topple over from sleep deprivation soon.
But we all make it. The happy couples slow dance in the dark, and a huge opportunity was missed to ask Farmer Jarrad to sing a song specially composed for this occasion.
It would go a little like this:
Something you will never know,
is I'd never seen a sheep until a month ago.
Thomas went completely barmy
and met his love Claire for a chicken parmy.
Farmer Jack is literally five
He's just learned how to use a fork and knife.
Giraffes are Farmer Tom's fave
And Corey got shat on in a cave.
I reckon James Blundell will be releasing it within a month.
Well, we are finally up to the Farmer Wants a Wife reunion, and after an hour and 40 minutes of blank stares, I felt like breaking up too.
Before we begin the excruciatingly slow chats on the couch, all the boys march down the driveway and have a coldie and super awkward chat.
Farmer Jack says he's "grown as a person" - but apparently not in height.
Farmer Jarrad is wearing a 'I love James Blundell' T-shirt. Just kidding. They were undies.
The boys stand together, and while Jack eyes farmers Corey and Thomas (hoping he will be that tall when he grows up), they all talk in code about where their relationships are up to.
It's much like a bunch of cockies standing around boasting about their prices at the yards without actually giving the price per head.
Thomas is the first to plonk on the couch.
For the next 10 minutes, I feel like I have stumbled into a private counselling session, and his counsellor wants to focus on how crap he is in relationships.
We have to hear all about Claire and the texting scandal again, and everyone acts shocked about it, especially Jarrad, who nearly wets his pants with horror.
Thomas mans up - and lets Claire take all the blame.
When he talks about ending up with Clarette, Thomas sounds like the underbidder at a bull sale.
We hear how Clarette stayed at the farm for a few weeks. My favourite part of the night was hearing that Thomas' mum kept calling Clarette 'Claire'. I kept wishing for Nat to make the same mistake.
Clarette is still demanding a house at the coast.
This is pretty much how the convo went:
Thomas: do you want to get married or build a house first?
Clarette: I hate your guts, so build me a house first.
Thomas: I love you Claire, I mean Clarette.
Clarette: I'm getting new fancy eyebrows.
They're still together, and when he says that he's 'lucky she is so forgiving', she has the look of a ewe that just got a mouthful of drench.
Farmer Corey is second up on the couch and appears to still be coming to terms with the idea of a long distance relationship.
Nat wastes no time getting into the juicy bit: the much-discussed "moving to the farm" saga.
Despite clearly being allergic to long distance, Farmer Corey picked Keeley - the charming Victorian optometrist with an annoying work contract that is in the way of her instant relocation to Biloela, Qld.
Farmer Corey said this delay "would kill me", however, he defied the odds and is still with us.
They decided to give long-distance a red-hot go anyway, which Farmer Corey describes as "very tough".
Now it's slowly dawning on Keeley that she might have to hang up the optometry tools and relocate to Biloela sooner than planned before he gives up and marries a hay bale.
Throughout the recap, Farmer Corey and Nat repeat the phrase "this is exactly what you didn't want".
We get it, guys.
Eventually, Keeley joins him on the couch, confirming they are "still very much together" and "madly in love".
When asked, ONCE AGAIN, when she's moving to Biloela, Keeley performs a dazzling verbal tap dance routine, expertly avoiding anything resembling a commitment.
But fear not! Farmer Corey confidently tells us he's found a wife in Keeley... just not a geographically present one.
It's time for Jack to climb up in his high chair and have a chat.
We hear how he and Sarah got matching flannies and hung out on the farm.
She had to return to Cairns to do some stuff (babysitting, no doubt), so ominous music starts to play.
He grimaces as she walks down the stairs just like you smile at an agent you no longer use when you pass them at the saleyards.
Sarah launches into complaints about his communication, and it's frostier than a toilet seat in Oberon.
But alas - it's all fine. They were just pretending - kindergarten kids are such tricksters these days.
Farmer Jarrad and his hat make their way to the couch.
Honestly, it feels like we saw him back in the stone age, because he left the experience early days, choosing Chloe as his one and only.
Apparently, Farmer Jarrad is a very busy man, which mostly translates to "good luck catching me off-camera".
Chloe quickly discovered he was harder to pin down than a runaway sheep once the cameras stopped rolling.
Chloe arrives on the couch and they look like a regular, happy couple until Nat hits them with the dreaded, "I almost forgot to ask, are you guys still together?"
"No, unfortunately we're not," Chloe says.
Apparently, their lives are on different paths at the moment, but Chloe leaves the door open for a relationship with Farmer Jarrad down the track. Sort of.
Farmer Tom is the last one on the couch, and seriously, it's like 11pm.
Farmer Corey's eyes, like ours, have been getting more bloodshot as the night wears on.
Farmer Tom reckons he rushed into it with Georgie, and dramatic music starts to play, like Vin Diesel is about to burst into the room.
Turns out they are together, but instead of moving straight in, she is thinking about buying a house in nearby Wagga.
He reckons he's going to propose soon - I reckon I'm going to topple over from sleep deprivation soon.
But we all make it. The happy couples slow dance in the dark, and a huge opportunity was missed to ask Farmer Jarrad to sing a song specially composed for this occasion.
It would go a little like this:
Something you will never know,
is I'd never seen a sheep until a month ago.
Thomas went completely barmy
and met his love Claire for a chicken parmy.
Farmer Jack is literally five
He's just learned how to use a fork and knife.
Giraffes are Farmer Tom's fave
And Corey got shat on in a cave.
I reckon James Blundell will be releasing it within a month.
Well, we are finally up to the Farmer Wants a Wife reunion, and after an hour and 40 minutes of blank stares, I felt like breaking up too.
Before we begin the excruciatingly slow chats on the couch, all the boys march down the driveway and have a coldie and super awkward chat.
Farmer Jack says he's "grown as a person" - but apparently not in height.
Farmer Jarrad is wearing a 'I love James Blundell' T-shirt. Just kidding. They were undies.
The boys stand together, and while Jack eyes farmers Corey and Thomas (hoping he will be that tall when he grows up), they all talk in code about where their relationships are up to.
It's much like a bunch of cockies standing around boasting about their prices at the yards without actually giving the price per head.
Thomas is the first to plonk on the couch.
For the next 10 minutes, I feel like I have stumbled into a private counselling session, and his counsellor wants to focus on how crap he is in relationships.
We have to hear all about Claire and the texting scandal again, and everyone acts shocked about it, especially Jarrad, who nearly wets his pants with horror.
Thomas mans up - and lets Claire take all the blame.
When he talks about ending up with Clarette, Thomas sounds like the underbidder at a bull sale.
We hear how Clarette stayed at the farm for a few weeks. My favourite part of the night was hearing that Thomas' mum kept calling Clarette 'Claire'. I kept wishing for Nat to make the same mistake.
Clarette is still demanding a house at the coast.
This is pretty much how the convo went:
Thomas: do you want to get married or build a house first?
Clarette: I hate your guts, so build me a house first.
Thomas: I love you Claire, I mean Clarette.
Clarette: I'm getting new fancy eyebrows.
They're still together, and when he says that he's 'lucky she is so forgiving', she has the look of a ewe that just got a mouthful of drench.
Farmer Corey is second up on the couch and appears to still be coming to terms with the idea of a long distance relationship.
Nat wastes no time getting into the juicy bit: the much-discussed "moving to the farm" saga.
Despite clearly being allergic to long distance, Farmer Corey picked Keeley - the charming Victorian optometrist with an annoying work contract that is in the way of her instant relocation to Biloela, Qld.
Farmer Corey said this delay "would kill me", however, he defied the odds and is still with us.
They decided to give long-distance a red-hot go anyway, which Farmer Corey describes as "very tough".
Now it's slowly dawning on Keeley that she might have to hang up the optometry tools and relocate to Biloela sooner than planned before he gives up and marries a hay bale.
Throughout the recap, Farmer Corey and Nat repeat the phrase "this is exactly what you didn't want".
We get it, guys.
Eventually, Keeley joins him on the couch, confirming they are "still very much together" and "madly in love".
When asked, ONCE AGAIN, when she's moving to Biloela, Keeley performs a dazzling verbal tap dance routine, expertly avoiding anything resembling a commitment.
But fear not! Farmer Corey confidently tells us he's found a wife in Keeley... just not a geographically present one.
It's time for Jack to climb up in his high chair and have a chat.
We hear how he and Sarah got matching flannies and hung out on the farm.
She had to return to Cairns to do some stuff (babysitting, no doubt), so ominous music starts to play.
He grimaces as she walks down the stairs just like you smile at an agent you no longer use when you pass them at the saleyards.
Sarah launches into complaints about his communication, and it's frostier than a toilet seat in Oberon.
But alas - it's all fine. They were just pretending - kindergarten kids are such tricksters these days.
Farmer Jarrad and his hat make their way to the couch.
Honestly, it feels like we saw him back in the stone age, because he left the experience early days, choosing Chloe as his one and only.
Apparently, Farmer Jarrad is a very busy man, which mostly translates to "good luck catching me off-camera".
Chloe quickly discovered he was harder to pin down than a runaway sheep once the cameras stopped rolling.
Chloe arrives on the couch and they look like a regular, happy couple until Nat hits them with the dreaded, "I almost forgot to ask, are you guys still together?"
"No, unfortunately we're not," Chloe says.
Apparently, their lives are on different paths at the moment, but Chloe leaves the door open for a relationship with Farmer Jarrad down the track. Sort of.
Farmer Tom is the last one on the couch, and seriously, it's like 11pm.
Farmer Corey's eyes, like ours, have been getting more bloodshot as the night wears on.
Farmer Tom reckons he rushed into it with Georgie, and dramatic music starts to play, like Vin Diesel is about to burst into the room.
Turns out they are together, but instead of moving straight in, she is thinking about buying a house in nearby Wagga.
He reckons he's going to propose soon - I reckon I'm going to topple over from sleep deprivation soon.
But we all make it. The happy couples slow dance in the dark, and a huge opportunity was missed to ask Farmer Jarrad to sing a song specially composed for this occasion.
It would go a little like this:
Something you will never know,
is I'd never seen a sheep until a month ago.
Thomas went completely barmy
and met his love Claire for a chicken parmy.
Farmer Jack is literally five
He's just learned how to use a fork and knife.
Giraffes are Farmer Tom's fave
And Corey got shat on in a cave.
I reckon James Blundell will be releasing it within a month.
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