logo
Enter Nige's fantasy UK, where crims operate with impunity and only the lucky get out alive

Enter Nige's fantasy UK, where crims operate with impunity and only the lucky get out alive

The Guardian21-07-2025
A darkened room in central London. Curtains drawn to keep the lawbreakers out. A few dozen brave journalists who have dared to walk the streets. Mugshots of convicted criminals along with the sentences received line the walls on video screens. Though weirdly, none of James McMurdock. Perhaps Reform has yet to update its own database of undesirables. Young James is taking a break from the party whip while the Public Sector Fraud Authority investigates Covid loans to his companies. That's the trouble with London today. Trust no one.
Just after 11am, a siren goes off and Nigel Farage, the Conservative-turned-Reform councillor Laila Cunningham and Tory-turned-Reform MP Sarah Pochin settle down behind a table. To their right is a lectern with the slogan 'Britain is lawless'. Miraculously, none of them have had their phones nicked or been stabbed on the journey into London. A city where crims operate with impunity. Dante's seventh circle of hell. A place where only the lucky get out alive.
First up is Laila, a woman who freely admits she expects to get robbed every time she leaves her front door. She's almost sorry when she makes it back home in one piece. Laila has something she wants to get off her chest: she doesn't actually like anyone. Her country has been betrayed.
One day, she might ask who was responsible. The answer might be closer to home than she imagines. Nige has done as much to shape the UK in the last 10 years as anyone. If you want to know why we're broke, you can start with Brexit. But for now, Laila is beyond thinking. She's just a heartbeat away from taking out an AK-47 and mowing down a nearby gang.
Next came Sarah P, AKA Nurse Ratched. The unthinking person's idea of a thinking person. She too is in despair. London is a ruined city. The only people out in daylight hours are shoplifters and drug dealers, most of them foreigners. Sarah is almost in tears as she goes on to say that most Afghan migrants are potential sex offenders. How she yearns for the days when you could rely on all rapists to be white.
But that's two-tier justice for you. Spare a thought for poor Lucy Connolly, who was sentenced to prison just for inciting people to burn refugees alive inside their hotel. Where was the harm in that? It was obviously only a joke. And Sarah is still laughing her head off at it. Worryingly, Farage appears to be lining her up to be his home secretary. She's one of the few Reform MPs he hasn't yet fallen out with.
For the details, such as they are, we have to wait for Nige. He, too, is living out his own fantasies of a London that is one large no-go area. Crime is out of control, he says. Don't believe the statistics that show violent crime is going down. Just turn the graphs the other way up and use your own data.
Stop and search everyone. Especially foreigners. Zero tolerance for anything. Apart from James McMurdock. Three strikes and it's life imprisonment. Send our worst prisoners to El Salvador – with any luck they might get tortured there. Send foreigners back to foreign lands. Build Nightingale prisons and throw away the keys. Recruit 30,000 new police officers. Abandon all diversity and equality targets. If you want a proper copper you need to get a white, heterosexual man to do the job. Only then will you feel safe.
This was Nige's fantasy world. A country on its knees, reduced to lawlessness by the woke and the Blob. A land only he could save by locking every crim up. No offence would go unpunished. To prove his point, he passed around a sheet of paper with some bogus figures explaining how he would pay for everything. Shrink the state, cut net zero and HS2 and you can do what you like, he said.
He was asked about El Salvador. Was he serious? Oh, no. Not that El Salvador. He couldn't think why he had said it. He was all heart really. Nige and reality have a small intersection area.
Elsewhere in Westminster, the government was winding down before the summer recess. For Keir Starmer, this meant one of his thrice-yearly appearances before the liaison committee. A chance for the select committee chairs to ask the prime minister a few – reasonably – polite questions about his performance so far. It was noticeable that the Labour members of the committee were a great deal tougher than they had been last time round.
Meg Hillier got things going by asking what he thought the country would look like in three years' time. It would be amazing, Keir replied. Everything would be hunky-dory. No one should take his brilliance for granted. The Tories had broken everything. He was the saviour who would mend things. In the public seating area, the first eyelids began to droop. Starmer has the unique gift of being able to put any crowd to sleep. It's got him out of bigger holes than this.
The session drifted on as Keir talked technobabble – 'no silver bullet', 'delivery targets' – while the committee tried to reintroduce him to the real world. If he was really committed to ending poverty, why didn't he consider getting rid of the two-child benefit cap? And even the diluted reforms to the welfare bills were going to increase poverty. Debbie Abrahams insisted these weren't Labour values and that she felt ashamed. Liam Byrne wondered why Starmer was so reluctant to make changes to capital gains tax? Then he could afford to give tax breaks to the less well-off.
Keir mumbled something about not setting the budget months ahead and the forecasts constantly changing and we all went back to sleep. Hillier ended by asking what had been his highlight of his first year in office. 'Easy,' said Starmer: walking into Downing Street for the first time. Which rather suggested it had all been downhill from there.
Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

Guatemalan town struggles to recover after border shootout
Guatemalan town struggles to recover after border shootout

The Independent

time28 minutes ago

  • The Independent

Guatemalan town struggles to recover after border shootout

Nearly two months after Mexican police crossed the border into this Guatemalan town in pursuit of alleged criminals, La Mesilla hasn't fully recovered. Like many remote border towns, it lives from commerce — legal and illegal — but locals say things still haven't returned to normal since Mexican state police drove armored vehicles into the downtown and engaged in a daytime shootout in June. On Wednesday, more than 600 Guatemalan police and soldiers carried out nearly two dozen raids in the surrounding areas, but managed to seize only two guns without making an arrest, according to the Interior Ministry. A criminal organization tied to Mexico's powerful Jalisco New Generation Cartel controls the area, making locals reluctant to talk. A man who sells clothing in La Mesilla said that when he saw the shootout, he used the border much like the criminals do. 'I ran, left everything; it didn't matter, I ran to the Mexican side,' he said. 'We were afraid. When we saw that everything was alright, we returned, we grabbed everything and left.' That's similar to what led to the shootout on La Mesilla's main drag steps from the border. Mexican police chased suspects they had engaged with in Mexico who fled into Guatemala. ' People want to forget what happened, but there's still fear,' the young man said. The incident was similar to another border escape a year earlier when hundreds of Mexican citizens fled into Guatemala to escape the violence sparked by the competition to control border crossings between the Jalisco and Sinaloa cartels. Some of those Mexicans spent months in Guatemala as refugees. The cartels want to control the crossing of drugs, migrants and guns. Another vendor said sales still hadn't returned to normal. 'That Sunday (of the shootout) was the market day, there were a lot of people,' he said. 'Today we feel safer because there are more police, but sales haven't recovered.' The organization that authorities targeted Wednesday had been led by a father-son duo, who were both killed previously in a clash with Mexican police. Guatemala's Interior Ministry said Wednesday's operation was carried out in coordination with Mexico to attempt to keep the targets from escaping across the border. It was unknown where they had gone. Lusvin López, chief of the National Civil Police antidrug unit, said Wednesday's operation was in response the shootout in June. The United States government also provided support, according to the Interior Ministry, which didn't provide details.

Sydney childcare worker, 26, accused of producing child abuse material while on the job at after‑school care is unmasked
Sydney childcare worker, 26, accused of producing child abuse material while on the job at after‑school care is unmasked

Daily Mail​

time28 minutes ago

  • Daily Mail​

Sydney childcare worker, 26, accused of producing child abuse material while on the job at after‑school care is unmasked

A Sydney man, 26, has been accused of exploiting his role as an after-school care worker to produce child abuse material featuring 10 children aged six or younger. David James is facing 13 offences with nine counts of aggravated use of a child to make child abuse material, one count of using a child to make abuse material, two counts of possessing abuse material and one count of refusing officers access to his phone. The offending was linked to his roles with six different out-of-school hours (OOSH) care services in North Sydney and the CBD between April 2021 and May 2024.

Melbourne rocked by suspected gangland execution outside Wollert kindergarten: 'Very deliberate and obviously targeted'
Melbourne rocked by suspected gangland execution outside Wollert kindergarten: 'Very deliberate and obviously targeted'

Daily Mail​

time28 minutes ago

  • Daily Mail​

Melbourne rocked by suspected gangland execution outside Wollert kindergarten: 'Very deliberate and obviously targeted'

A man has been shot dead in a daylight attack near a kindergarten in Melbourne's outer north. The unnamed victim, 22, is suspected of being linked to the daylight gangland execution of underworld figure Sam 'The Punisher' Abdulrahim. Detectives admitted the murder appeared to be 'very deliberate and obviously targeted' and the victim was 'known' to them. Abdulrahim was gunned down by a team of assassins on January 28 in the underground car park at Preston's Quest Hotel in Melbourne's north. The champion kickboxer had been a key player in Melbourne's ongoing 'tobacco wars', which has seen shops around the state torched in a deadly turf war. A crime scene has been established on Champions Parade in Wollert, in Melbourne's north, following the fatal shooting. Top homicide squad cop Detective Inspector Dean Thomas said police believed there was a confrontation between two males in Game Lane, a laneway behind Champions Parade just before 9am. The offender shot and killed the man in the laneway before fleeing in a vehicle. Sam 'The Punisher' Abdulrahim was murdered in January The Quest Hotel in where The Punisher met his maker Independent journalist Ryan Naumenko has claimed the victim was linked to The Punisher's murder 'We also have reports of a vehicle being found burnt out in Amery Street in Reservoir. We don't know if that is linked to this particular incident this morning,' Inspector Thomas told reporters. 'We will work now to piece together what has gone on to identify those responsible.' The top detective said police had not yet formally identified the man who was killed, but believed he was known to police. Independent journalist Ryan Naumenko's news site Outlaw Media was quick to label the alleged murder a gangland hit. 'The young man murdered this morning at 9am is suspected of being the killer of Sam ... Abdulrahim,' he wrote. 'Brothers 4 Life are the biggest, weakest, pieces of s*** that have ever existed in this country. Sam's murder was a blessing - If the information I have is right ... This will be bigger than mother f***ing world war 3.' Naumenko had been targeted by Abdulrahim himself before he was gunned down. No-one had ever been charged over the murder of 'The Punisher' with fears the gunmen may have already fled overseas. More to come.

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into a world of global content with local flavor? Download Daily8 app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store