Are you being ‘banksied'? The latest toxic dating term, which is crueller than ghosting

Hindustan Times

2 days ago

Have you felt like your partner is slowly detaching themself from you? Emotionally pulling away and withdrawing their feelings? But there are no fights, no arguments, just widening distance. The latest toxic dating term, Banksying, is crueller than ghosting.(Photo: Adobe Stock)
Feels like a concept that has always been there, and multiple couples may have fallen victim to it. Well, now there is a word for it, and it is called 'Banksying', a toxic dating term which makes 'ghosting' seem much more polite.
You do not break up with your partner, but rather put them through a toxic cycle of constant emotional withdrawal, and they are left wondering in the dark about what went wrong. But how did this term get here?
The word takes shape after the England-based street artist, Banksy, 50, who creates his work, makes it known to the public, and then just vanishes without any announcement whatsoever.
People have taken this habit of his to describe someone who emotionally backs away from a relationship before a 'break-up' conversation is officially in place.
But why do people do this? Is it healthy or toxic? Dating coach Pratik Jain tells us, 'We are not taught communication (especially in intimate contexts) etiquette in our younger years. So we find our safe way to deal with tough situations. When one person is clear that they want to end a relationship, they know that direct communication will lead to a lot of instant conflicts, tensions and drama from the other person. So, to avoid the burden of all these, detaching is a safe way to go about it (at least for the person initiating it)."
What does this lead to? You still engage in everything you used to do, but something feels off. There are fewer texts, less enthusiasm to make date plans, and maybe even shallower conversations than what used to be the case. And when you do inquire, the said person says things like, "It's fine" and sometimes even accuses you of "overthinking", etc. It is like they are there physically but gone emotionally.
Dr Pavitra Shankar, Associate Consultant- Psychiatry at Aakash Healthcare, explains that this emotional withdrawal could be considered a form of passive-aggressive behaviour or emotional manipulation. 'It's a covert way of expressing anger, discomfort, or disconnection, forcing the partner to guess or interpret the silence. While it may not always be intentional, this behaviour creates emotional confusion and shifts the burden of resolution onto the other person,' she says.
Even the psychological impact on the partner being 'Banksied' can be significant and long-lasting. They may experience confusion, self-doubt, and a deep sense of rejection because there is no clear closure or communication; the individual often ruminates, replaying moments to decipher what went wrong.
'This can erode self-esteem and trigger abandonment wounds, especially in individuals with insecure attachment styles. It can also induce anxiety in future relationships, as the person becomes hypervigilant about emotional shifts, fearing repeat withdrawal,' says Dr Shankar.
So, what can you do to protect yourself? The first step would be to be on the lookout for the signs of being banksied. Pratik shares a few signs you should notice if you suspect something is off:
The partner is not sharing things with you as much as before. They create trivial issues while blaming you or making you feel that you are not contributing to the relationship. They avoid any direct conversation that addresses the need to keep the relationship moving smoothly. Spending less and less time on intimate dinners, activities, etc.
Ghosting vs Banksying
While they both mean withdrawing from a relationship without actually breaking up, banksying is much more mean and toxic than ghosting. Ghosting is when someone stops communicating abrupt without any explanation or warning. The person performing the ghosting simply disappears, leaving the other individual confused, hurt, and rejected. However, banksying is different. This act refers to a slower form of ending a relationship where one partner slowly and subtly withdraws emotionally from the relationship without openly discussing their intentions to end it.