Married Women Are Revealing The "Hardest Parts" Of Marriage That They Felt Completely Unprepared For, And It's Thought-Provoking

Yahoo

a day ago

Married men recently opened up about the difficulties of marriage they never expected, so of course, we wanted to hear a different point of view. When we recently asked married women of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the "hardest parts" of marriage that surprised them the most, they gave candid answers about their struggles, hard lessons, and realizations. Here's what they had to say:
1."Carrying the burden. Men are not raised to raise a family, do housework, or pay attention to anyone else's needs. They are raised to believe that all they have to do is work and then come home and do nothing. I work two jobs, have raised two children, do literally everything in the house, and it's mentally exhausting. I'm exhausted from constantly telling my husband what needs to be done to the point where I just do it myself and move on. It's ridiculous."
"I can't decide if men do this on purpose to get out of everything or if they are seriously that damn dumb and backwards. Either way, being married is like having a child that never grows up. And I know everyone isn't this way — but my marriage is."
—amandaharris1
2."You have to be prepared to be willing and open to speak about two of the toughest topics: finances and the circumstances around death. It's the worst, but you have to know how to survive without the other. Financially, if you have significant differences in pay, you need to figure out what 'equal' actually looks like in the home. This can be ugly if you're with someone unable to see the bigger picture, or selfish."
—Anonymous, 26, UK
3."It's hard to coexist with someone all day, every day sometimes. It's the little things! Like leaving the cupboards open or not putting things where YOU want them to go. It's amazing, and I love being married, but no one tells you about the little idiosyncrasies you have to get used to!"
—Anonymous, 25, California
4."I married for the second time a week ago, so I'll speak on my first marriage. I just felt like I had higher expectations of my partner than when we were dating. For him, nothing changed but legality, but for me, having the title of wife was a big deal. I was able to grow and evolve with the relationship, and I guess it's on me that I was expecting him to do the same. He didn't, and he still hasn't."
"We weren't super young when we got married (25 and 26) and had been together for eight-ish years, but it seemed like he still acted 18, and I had grown a lot."
—Anonymous, 34, Canada
5."When you marry the wrong man and don't realize it for 38 years. I sometimes wonder what I would have done with all those years if I'd walked a different path."
—momsequitur
6."Sexual incompatibility. It ebbs and flows throughout the years. More people than you think live in sexless marriages."
—Anonymous, 56, Massachusetts
7."The hardest part is planning everything, coordinating everything, and never being surprised or gifted anything. I've been married for two years and have been with my husband for seven. Guess who has had to plan everything for our birthdays and anniversaries. Guess who doesn't get complimented unless she prompts her husband. Guess who has to make a list down to the letter to get a birthday or Christmas present. More women need to know just how little effort men can get away with putting into marriages."
—Anonymous, 25, Virginia
8."Marriage takes commitment every single day. You have to communicate every day. You have to show your love in some way every day. You need to make sure you agree on the important things (kids, faith, goals, money, family) BEFORE you get married. You will absolutely hurt each other at some point; no one is perfect. Your spouse is not responsible for your happiness, but your marriage is the responsibility of both of you."
"If you have children, the BEST thing you can do for them is to have a happy marriage, so make that a priority. It takes compromise and communication. I've learned to put God first, and your spouse second."
—Anonymous, 46, Florida
9."Their mental health will affect your life. For better or worse. You can't fix them."
—Anonymous, 33, South Carolina
10."Many people won't want to hear this, but there are no hard parts if it's right. I've been married twice. The first time wasn't the right person. It was difficult, tiring. We had the same arguments over and over. My second marriage: No hard parts. We've been together 17 years, and every moment is a joy. It's easy, fun, passionate, and supportive. It's everything I dreamed of and more."
—Anonymous, 43, UK
11."The sadness I feel with my husband not putting in any effort anymore. It's like when we got married, he thought he didn't need to try anymore. No nice gifts, no thank you, no cooking, and no effort. I stay for the kids, but it's a very lonely and sad marriage."
—Anonymous, 35, Canada
12."Never being alone. My husband traveled for work, averaging one week per month. Then, he retired, and I'm never alone for more than an hour or two. I didn't realize how much I needed alone time."
—superchicken44
13."The hardest part: age. Second marriage for us both. We are older adults, having met as we both retired. Now that we're married, we're facing going from a hot relationship to age-related issues with health. It has impacted the formerly sexy relationship. I don't think either of us considered the road we were heading toward."
—bubblytrout185
14."Expectation of sex. It becomes expected. The spontaneity and emotional part of it disappears. It becomes a role act."
—Anonymous, 57, Arkansas
15."Sometimes, you discover things about your spouse that you never knew, and it can potentially be enough to make you rethink who you chose to spend your life with. I have heard of women finding out about arrests and criminal records that had been expunged. I have heard about women finding out about medical issues their spouse had hidden for many years that deeply impact the marriage."
"It's not to say we don't all have some form of skeleton in our closets, but some things are too much for anyone to handle."
—Anonymous, 39
16."Losing your independence — putting your life on hold to raise children, and then when they're grown up, you don't feel wanted anymore."
—Anonymous, 75, UK
And finally...
17."Learning there is a fine line between compromise and bending until you break. In my first marriage, I had to eliminate my wants and desires for the marriage to exist. He had to be the only one with needs; everything was flipped as my fault. After years of bashing, I listened to his definition of my worth. I lost myself."
"Now, I am in a much healthier (and happier) relationship, and we see and respect each other for who we are."
—Anonymous, 46, Massachusetts
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Married women, what are the "hardest parts" of marriage that surprised you the most? Tell us in the comments, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, you can use the form below.