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16 minutes ago
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4 Common 'Negging' Phrases—and How To Respond, According to Psychologists
4 Common 'Negging' Phrases—and How To Respond, According to Psychologists originally appeared on Parade. Have you ever gotten a compliment that almost felt like an insult? Or maybe someone gave you feedback and you weren't sure how to take it? They may have been 'negging' you. Similar to gaslighting, 'negging' is form of manipulation and a relationship term that's gaining popularity. But this communication style can be sneaky and leave you scratching your head—or maybe overthinking an interaction long after it took place. Are you overreacting or projecting, or is there truly something calculating about the way someone spoke to you?Ahead, psychologists share negging's meaning, examples of what it looks like and how to respond. Plus, if you've personally leaned into this form of "flirting," they explain why it's not an ideal flirtation method and give tips on what to do Negging Meaning 'Negging is when someone gives a backhanded compliment or a subtle put-down meant to lower your confidence while keeping you engaged,' says Dr. Carolina Estevez, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at SOBA New Jersey. 'It may sound like teasing, but it is rooted in control, not connection.'Dr. Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC, an associate professor and the director of the clinical mental health counseling certification programs at Lebanon Valley College, explains more. 'Underneath the comment is a subtle insult, designed to chip away at the recipient's confidence and make them seek the other person's approval,' she says. 'It's often used to create an imbalance of power early in a relationship.'Related: The 10 Earliest Signs of Emotional Manipulation To Look Out For, According to Psychologists Is Negging a Form of Gaslighting? When there's a discussion about manipulation, the term 'gaslighting' is often a part. 'Gaslighting' is a way of manipulating someone that makes them question their sanity, reality or point of view. Negging and gaslighting are similar but not the same. 'Both are forms of manipulation and are used to gain control, though they show up differently and affect people in different ways,' Dr. Vejar says. 'Negging tends to wear down a person's confidence, often making them second-guess themselves or seek approval from the one who made the comment…Gaslighting, on the other hand, distorts reality and makes someone question their judgment and experiences.'Negging can become gaslighting or more serious, however. 'That said, if negging is repeated and causes someone to doubt their worth or second-guess their feelings, it can become part of a broader gaslighting dynamic,' Dr. Estevez adds. In other words, it can serve as a stepping Psychologists Are Begging Families to Recognize the Most Common Form of Gaslighting—Plus, Here's Exactly How To Respond Negging Examples As mentioned, negging is essentially a backhanded compliment, or an insult veiled in a compliment. It may make you feel good at first, or make you question how you feel. But what does it look like, exactly?Let's take Dr. Estevez's example of, 'Wow, I usually do not date girls with short hair, but you pull it off okay.' The speaker is acting like they're complimenting you, saying you can (kind of) pull off short hair, but still placing judgment on short hair and saying you only pull it off 'okay.' She gives another example: 'You are smarter than I expected.' The person is calling you smart—a compliment—but also suggesting you appeared dumb beforehand. The effects these phrases have on a person are real. 'The comments tend to catch people off guard because they mix a compliment with an undercut,' Dr. Estevez says. 'The tone can seem casual, but the impact is often cumulative, leaving the person feeling like they have something to prove.'Dr. Vejar gives the examples of 'You're cute for someone who doesn't wear makeup' and 'That's an interesting outfit. Not everyone could pull that off.''These may sound like compliments at first, but each includes a subtle jab meant to cause self-doubt,' she 4 Common Negging Phrases and How To Respond, According to Psychologists 1. 'You would be so much prettier if you smiled.' Dr. Estevez explains that this statement implies someone's natural expression is not good enough, *and* that their appearance exists for another person's approval. They're suggesting you aren't aspretty as you theoretically could be, and that that matters. (It doesn't.)Dr. Vejar mentions this phrase too. 'It's both judgmental and controlling,' she adds. How to respond: Dr. Estevez encourages, 'I am happy with how I express myself, and I do not feel the need to change for anyone.' Dr. Vejar suggests, 'I smile when I feel like it, not when I'm told to,' or 'I think I look fine as I am.'Related: Do Gaslighters Know What They're Doing? Psychologists Share the Truth 2. 'You're pretty funny—for a girl.' This example from Dr. Estevez is saying that women aren't funny (which, for the record, is far from true). It's an insult to a person's gender and to respond: One option is 'Humor is not gendered, but thanks—I will take the compliment,' she says. 3. 'You're not like other girls/guys.' This sounds sweet at first, right? But again, and as both psychologists will tell you, it quietly puts others down. It also creates pressure for the listener to continue standing out in some way and be 'approvable.'How to respond: Hitting them with this: 'That is kind, but I think we are all complex in different ways' is an option from Dr. Estevez. You could also go with a curious, educational approach. 'That sounds like a compliment, but I like other girls/guys too. What exactly do you mean by that?' is how Dr. Vejar would 4. 'Are you really going to eat all that?' You may have heard this on a date or even at your family's Thanksgiving meal. 'This comes off as casual, but it's loaded with judgment,' Dr. Vejar says. 'It can trigger body shame or self-consciousness.'How to respond: As upsetting as this can be, try to remind yourself that you're not doing anything wrong. She explains you can respond with 'Yes, I am. Is that a problem for you?' or 'Yep. Want some?'When deciding how you want to respond, remember this key point from Dr. Estevez: 'The goal is to respond with clarity and confidence without having to defend or overexplain.' Other Ways To Flirt or Communicate in a Healthy Way Some people use negging as a way to flirt, or say that's their intention, but beware. 'Healthy flirting comes from respect and genuine interest,' Dr. Estevez says. Qualities of healthy flirting, according to Dr. Vejar, include being respectful, mutual, playful, positive, building confidence and intrigue rather than confusion, and sending good rather than puzzling vibes. Dr. Estevez recommends building someone up with a phrase like 'I enjoy the way you think about things' or 'I like your energy—It's contagious.'Related: 'You Make the World More Interesting' + 109 Other Compliments To Brighten Someone's Day Dr. Vejar gives a few other options, such as 'You're hilarious. I kept laughing about your joke all day' and 'I really like you. You're fun to be around and a good listener.''A good flirt feels fun, not like a test you're trying to pass,' she adds. Up Next:Sources: Dr. Carolina Estevez, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Cynthia Vejar, PhD, LPC, a psychologist and professor 4 Common 'Negging' Phrases—and How To Respond, According to Psychologists first appeared on Parade on Jul 23, 2025 This story was originally reported by Parade on Jul 23, 2025, where it first appeared. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
37 minutes ago
- Yahoo
NY homeowner fills yard with native plants — but town officials threaten a $2K fine unless she makes changes
A Long Island homeowner has found herself in hot water after letting her yard go au natural. Xilin Zhang of New Hyde Park, New York, transformed her front yard by replacing her traditional lawn with environmentally friendly native plants, using a $350 local grant that was designed for this purpose. Don't miss Thanks to Jeff Bezos, you can now become a landlord for as little as $100 — and no, you don't have to deal with tenants or fix freezers. Here's how I'm 49 years old and have nothing saved for retirement — what should I do? Don't panic. Here are 6 of the easiest ways you can catch up (and fast) Want an extra $1,300,000 when you retire? Dave Ramsey says this 7-step plan 'works every single time' to kill debt, get rich in America — and that 'anyone' can do it 'It's a very natural look,' Zhang shared with CBS News. 'There's tons of butterflies and bees and birds coming. It's not just some grass doing nothing.' But local officials who've said Zhang's landscaping looks 'hideous' and violates local code have reportedly given her a summons with a fine of up to $2,000. 'When ugly is that overwhelming, you have to call it what it is," Mayor Christopher Devane told CBS News. 'That front yard looks hideous.' Fortunately, after four trips to the court, a compromise was reached between Zhang and local officials: the summons would be dismissed if the garden was kept below four feet. And while the mayor is happy that the situation has been resolved, he believes these kind of gardens need to look more aesthetically pleasing for this idea to catch on. 'There should be a happy medium," said Mayor Devane. "That, in my opinion, is not it." Going au natural is a growing trend Thanks to the non-profit organization Rewild Long Island, Zhang is part of a movement that encourages homeowners to transform traditional lawns into native plant gardens that require fewer resources and provide greater ecological benefits. "There are lots of towns on Long Island which are encouraging people to put in wild flowers because they don't want all that pollution going into the bay," said Raju Rajan, president of Rewild Long Island. Natural gardens are beneficial because they offer a deeper root system than traditional grass lawns. While turf grass has a root system that's about two inches deep, the roots from native plants can grow up to 15 feet in depth, allowing them to absorb ten times more rainwater than a typical lawn. Native plants also attract birds, butterflies and bees by providing food, shelter and breeding sites that are essential for their survival. "Sustainable gardens are not just beautiful for the eye," said Mindy Germain, the water commissioner in Port Washington, New York. 'They protect our drinking water. We're trying to move away from these big green lawns that are sucking up too much water from our aquifer." And the movement is growing. Many communities outside of New York state — including Green Bay, WI, Cincinnati, OH, and Bellevue, WA — have recognized the benefits of natural lawns by adopting ordinances that promote native plant landscaping. Read more: Americans are 'revenge saving' to survive — but millions only get a measly 1% on their savings. How to plant a native garden without the backlash If you're thinking about converting your grass lawn into a native garden but want to avoid the headaches that Zhang experienced, the best way to do so is to be proactive: Consult with local officials and neighbors to understand potential concerns Focus on aesthetics that match community standards Create clear borders to show intentional design rather than neglect Natural lawns offer significant environmental benefits, but local regulations vary by location. Because of this, it's critical to communicate with neighbors and authorities to understand not only legal concerns but also the aesthetic concerns that neighbors might have. What to read next Robert Kiyosaki warns of 'massive unemployment' in the US due to the 'biggest change' in history — and says this 1 group of 'smart' Americans will get hit extra hard. Are you one of them? How much cash do you plan to keep on hand after you retire? Here are 3 of the biggest reasons you'll need a substantial stash of savings in retirement Rich, young Americans are ditching the stormy stock market — here are the alternative assets they're banking on instead Here are 5 'must have' items that Americans (almost) always overpay for — and very quickly regret. How many are hurting you? Stay in the know. Join 200,000+ readers and get the best of Moneywise sent straight to your inbox every week for free. This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.
Yahoo
an hour ago
- Yahoo
14 Old-Fashioned Parenting Beliefs Boomers Can't Seem To Let Go Of
Raising kids has always been challenging, but it seems like every generation has its own ideas on how to do it best. Boomers, in particular, are known for holding onto some old-fashioned parenting beliefs. While some of these ideas have merit, others might make you scratch your head. If you're navigating the world of parenting, it helps to know what advice to take with a grain of salt. Here's a look at 14 old-fashioned parenting beliefs that some Boomers just won't let go of. 1. Children Should Be Seen And Not Heard The idea that children should be seen and not heard seems outdated in today's world, where kids are encouraged to express themselves. Many Boomers grew up with the notion that children should be quiet and well-behaved at all times. While teaching kids manners is important, silencing them can hinder their ability to communicate and assert themselves. According to a study by Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist, children who are encouraged to express their feelings develop better emotional intelligence. This skill helps them navigate social interactions and lead more fulfilling lives. Today, we're more aware of the importance of letting kids have a voice. Encouraging your child to speak up not only boosts their confidence but also strengthens your relationship. Open communication helps children feel valued and heard, which can lead to healthier development. While it's crucial to teach respect, a balance between listening and discipline is key. Let your child know it's okay to express themselves, and watch them thrive. 2. Spare The Rod, Spoil The Child This age-old saying suggests that physical punishment is necessary for raising disciplined kids. Many Boomers were brought up with this mindset, and some continue to believe that spanking is an effective way to instill discipline. However, research has repeatedly shown that physical punishment can lead to long-term negative effects. Rather than fostering respect, it can breed fear and resentment in children. Experts suggest alternative methods like positive reinforcement and consistent boundaries. Today, most experts agree that there are more constructive ways to guide children's behavior. Discipline should be about teaching, not punishing. Time-outs, natural consequences, and structured routines can be more effective without the negative side effects of physical punishment. By focusing on understanding and empathy, you can help your child learn from their mistakes. This approach builds trust and teaches kids how to manage their behavior in a positive way. 3. Kids Shouldn't Question Authority The belief that children should never question authority was once a cornerstone of parenting. Many Boomers grew up in environments where questioning a parent or teacher was seen as disrespectful. However, fostering critical thinking and curiosity is crucial for a child's development. Dr. Susan Engel, a developmental psychologist, has pointed out that children who learn to question and explore become better problem-solvers. Encouraging them to ask questions is a critical component of their education and growth. In today's world, teaching kids to question authority, within reason, is viewed as a valuable skill. It helps them develop into independent thinkers who can analyze information and make informed decisions. By allowing your child to question and understand the reasons behind rules, you foster their curiosity and reasoning skills. This approach prepares them for real-world situations where they'll need to think critically. Balancing respect for authority with critical thinking is key to raising well-rounded kids. 4. No Kid Is Special Or Different The idea that all children should fit the same mold often leaves little room for individuality. Boomers, adhering to this belief, might expect all kids to follow the same path in education, hobbies, or careers. This one-size-fits-all approach can stifle a child's unique talents and interests. Each child has their own pace and strengths, and it's important to recognize and nurture these differences. Celebrating individuality helps boost a child's confidence and self-esteem. Today's parenting embraces diversity in interests and abilities. Rather than trying to mold your child into a predetermined path, encourage them to explore and discover their passions. Recognizing and supporting their uniqueness helps them develop a strong sense of self. This approach not only fosters creativity but also prepares them for a world that values innovation and diversity. By allowing your child to be their authentic self, you help them thrive in their own way. 5. Academic Success Is Everything The emphasis on academic success above all else is a belief many Boomers hold dear. They often drove home the importance of getting good grades and securing a stable career. While education is important, it's not the only measure of success. Research by Dr. Angela Duckworth, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, highlights that grit—passion and perseverance—is a better predictor of success than IQ. Encouraging a balanced approach that includes social skills, creativity, and resilience is vital for overall development. In today's world, the definition of success is broader and more inclusive. While academics are important, it's equally crucial to focus on emotional intelligence, creativity, and critical thinking skills. These attributes prepare children for a rapidly changing world where adaptability is key. Encourage your child to explore their interests and develop a well-rounded set of skills. By valuing more than just academic success, you help your child grow into a versatile and resilient individual. 6. Boys Don't Cry The outdated belief that boys shouldn't cry is rooted in traditional notions of masculinity. Many Boomers were raised to believe that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, especially for boys. This mindset can be damaging, as it teaches boys to suppress their emotions rather than process them. Emotional suppression can lead to mental health issues and difficulty in forming healthy relationships. It's essential to let boys know that expressing emotions is a natural and healthy part of life. Nowadays, there's a growing recognition of the importance of emotional expression for everyone, regardless of gender. Encouraging boys to share their feelings helps them develop emotional intelligence and empathy. This ability to understand and relate to others' emotions is crucial for building strong relationships. By breaking down outdated gender norms, you create a more supportive environment for your child to thrive. Let your son know it's okay to cry and be vulnerable, and watch him grow into a compassionate person. 7. Kids Should Follow Traditional Gender Roles The idea that kids should adhere to traditional gender roles is still prevalent among some Boomers. They often grew up with strict notions of what boys and girls should do or be. However, research by Dr. Christia Spears Brown, a psychologist at the University of Kentucky, shows that forcing children into gender roles can limit their potential. It stifles creativity and restricts their ability to develop a wide range of skills and interests. Encouraging kids to explore roles outside of traditional norms can lead to a more balanced and fulfilling life. Today, many parents are moving away from these rigid expectations. Allowing children to explore interests traditionally associated with the opposite gender fosters a sense of freedom and self-discovery. This approach helps break down stereotypes and encourages a more inclusive society. By supporting your child's interests, regardless of gender, you allow them to develop their full potential. Celebrate your child's individuality and help them grow into open-minded and confident adults. 8. Kids Don't Need Privacy The belief that kids shouldn't have privacy often stems from a desire to protect them. Many Boomers grew up in households where privacy was minimal, with an emphasis on supervision and control. However, respecting a child's privacy is crucial for their development and autonomy. It teaches them about boundaries and the importance of trust in relationships. When children feel secure in their privacy, they're more likely to open up and communicate with their parents. In today's world, the focus is on creating a balance between oversight and privacy. Providing kids with age-appropriate privacy helps them develop a sense of responsibility and independence. Trusting your child to make their own decisions builds confidence and encourages open communication. While it's important to be involved in your child's life, respecting their privacy is equally crucial. This approach helps foster a healthy parent-child relationship based on mutual respect and understanding. 9. Strict Schedules Are Key To Success Many Boomers believe that strict schedules are essential for raising successful children. They grew up with regimented routines and often believe that structure is the key to discipline and achievement. While routines can provide stability, too much rigidity can stifle creativity and spontaneity. Children need time to explore, play, and make their own choices. A balance between structure and flexibility can help children develop independence and problem-solving skills. In today's world, parents are encouraged to find a balance that works for their family. Allowing for flexibility in schedules can lead to a more relaxed and enjoyable atmosphere. Kids learn best when they're given the freedom to explore and make mistakes. This approach helps them develop resilience and adaptability, crucial traits for navigating an unpredictable world. By finding a balance between routine and spontaneity, you can create an environment that encourages growth and creativity. 10. Only Adults Should Make Decisions The belief that only adults should make decisions often limits a child's ability to learn autonomy. Boomers, raised under this notion, might be inclined to make choices for their kids rather than involving them in the decision-making process. However, allowing children to make age-appropriate decisions can foster independence and confidence. It teaches them accountability and helps them understand the consequences of their choices. Involving kids in decision-making is a valuable learning opportunity. Today's parenting philosophy often emphasizes the importance of empowering children through decision-making. By allowing kids to participate in choices, you help them develop critical thinking skills. This approach prepares them for adulthood when they'll need to make informed decisions on their own. Encouraging independence in decision-making fosters a sense of responsibility and self-reliance. By trusting your child to make choices, you help them grow into confident and capable individuals. 11. Parents Are The Bosses The idea that you must be friends with your child is a modern twist that some Boomers still uphold. They might believe that being a friend rather than a parent will create a closer bond. However, while a friendly relationship is important, it's crucial not to blur the lines of authority. Kids need guidance and boundaries, and being too lenient can lead to confusion and behavioral issues. The parent-child relationship requires a balance between friendship and authority. Today's experts suggest maintaining a relationship that combines warmth with firmness. Being your child's friend can coexist with setting boundaries and providing discipline. This balance helps children feel supported while understanding the importance of rules and limits. By establishing clear expectations, you create a nurturing environment that encourages growth and respect. Remember, being a parent is about guidance and support, not just friendship. 12. Mental Health Is An Excuse The notion that mental health is not important to talk about has long been a stigma. Many Boomers grew up in a time when mental health issues were seen as weaknesses to be hidden. However, open discussions about mental health are crucial for breaking down stigma and providing support. Addressing mental health early can prevent long-term issues and promote overall well-being. It's essential to create an environment where children feel comfortable discussing their emotions and seeking help when needed. In recent years, there's been a shift toward prioritizing mental health in parenting. Encouraging open conversations about emotions and mental health helps children understand their feelings and develop coping strategies. This approach fosters a supportive environment that promotes resilience and emotional intelligence. By normalizing discussions about mental health, you help your child develop healthy habits that last a lifetime. Prioritizing mental well-being is a vital part of raising a well-rounded and happy child. 13. Adult Responsibilities Are For Grown-Ups The belief that responsibilities and chores are solely for grown-ups can hinder a child's development of life skills. Some Boomers might have grown up without being encouraged to take on tasks at a young age. However, involving children in age-appropriate chores teaches them responsibility and independence. It helps them understand the importance of contributing to the household and prepares them for adulthood. Giving kids tasks to complete also boosts their confidence and sense of accomplishment. Today's parenting often encourages children to participate in family responsibilities. Assigning chores can be a fun and educational experience that teaches valuable life skills. It helps kids develop a sense of accountability and work ethic that benefits them throughout life. By involving children in household tasks, you create a sense of teamwork and cooperation. This approach fosters a sense of pride and self-reliance in your child. 14. Parents Are In Charge Of Their Child's Development The belief that you have to do everything for your child often stems from a desire to protect and care for them. Some Boomers might feel that taking on all responsibilities is an expression of love and support. However, over-involvement can prevent children from developing independence and resilience. Encouraging self-sufficiency helps kids learn how to navigate challenges and build confidence. Allowing your child to handle tasks on their own prepares them for the real world. In today's parenting landscape, fostering independence is often emphasized. While it's important to support and guide your child, allowing them to take on responsibilities helps them grow. Encouraging problem-solving and self-reliance teaches kids how to navigate obstacles and build resilience. This approach prepares them for adult life, where they'll need to make their own decisions. By letting your child take the lead, you empower them to become capable and self-assured individuals. Solve the daily Crossword
