'Sexual abuse by my father left me feeling so isolated'

BBC News

21-07-2025

For years, Connor Parker kept a dark secret: he was being sexually abused by his biological father.It left Connor, 25, feeling isolated and extremely stressed, he says.Now, with his abuser behind bars, he is rebuilding his life with the help of his family and wants to help other victims, too.Connor, from Kessingland, near Lowestoft, Suffolk, has waived his right to anonymity and hopes to dispel what he calls the "stereotype" surrounding male rape victims.He is also calling for more support for those going through the court process.
Connor's abuse at the hands of Timothy Neale began when he was about 12. "I felt so unbelievably isolated," he says."I was a rugby player and I played at a good level, but I did not talk to most of my team and I felt like it was them, and then I was just there."I went to school. I felt like I was looking at everyone through glass. "I was in a glass box, and that is the lowest feeling in the world; when you're around so many people but you feel so isolated."
Aged 16, he finally plucked up the courage to tell his mother something was happening.While he felt he "could not go into the full story", it was enough to get him out of immediate danger. It was not until he was 19 that he felt able to fully open up about what had happened.
Speaking about his abuse was just the start of a journey for Connor, who is now a fibre engineer.It would be another five years before his abuser would finally be brought to justice.Neale, of Montgomery Avenue, Lowestoft, was charged in 2020 with nine sexual offences against a child, including rape. But his trial at Norwich Crown Court was delayed five times before he was convicted of all counts and jailed for a total of 19 years in April 2024.
Connor, who was diagnosed as autistic 18 months ago, said the court delays meant he had to watch his video evidence again every time, re-traumatising him.It took its toll. "I spent five days in hospital after an attempt on my life," he says."There's a lot of not knowing; a lot of last-minute 'This is not going ahead.'"There was never any offer of support. I didn't know what support I could access. I didn't know if there were people who were employed by the courts to help."Personally, there was so much strain and stress."
Connor's mother Toni Parker, 51, supported him throughout but says the process was "horrendous"."There was nothing in place for him at all through that whole thing. Nobody contacted him. There's no cushion for them. There isn't anything."She says the court delays were "dangerous" and believes something "needs to be done" for victims in such cases.Connor became quite unwell during the court process, she says."I was frightened that I was going lose him. He found night-times incredibly difficult. So it was just exhausting."As a parent, you want to fix your child. But with this, there is absolutely nothing you can do - you are so helpless."The only thing I could try and do was just to keep him alive."
Toni met Neale when she was 15 and married him at 16. They divorced when Connor was five and shared custody of their children. She remembers when Connor first told her of the abuse. "I think that first disclosure was to safeguard himself from his biological father," she says."It is such a painful question, when people ask you, 'Did you not know? Did you not see?'"If I'd known it was happening, I would have stopped it immediately."She says Neale groomed not just Connor, but the rest of the family, and that she will feel guilty about that for the rest of her life."But, at the end of the day, it's the perpetrator's shame, and it's certainly not Connor's shame and it isn't my shame."
Details of help and support with child sexual abuse and sexual abuse or violence are available at BBC Action Line
Connor says: "Male victims of sexual abuse are stereotyped. They are expected to look a certain way; expected to act a certain way."I don't look or act like any of those stereotypes. It's a reflection, really, that it can happen to anyone - anyone at all."For me, talking about it has made me deal with it better and... in more healthy ways."If one person can hear my story and relate to it, and actually push to get a result, that makes me feel a little bit better."
He says the trial was made more difficult for him by the presence in the public gallery of a man jailed in 2002 for possessing sexual images of children."It's like a sickening feeling. Someone is there who had previously been convicted for these types of crimes and they're listening to what has happened to me. And that, in my mind, is not right." His family approached police to ask if the man could be removed, but were told nothing could be done.The UK has a open justice policy where cases are heard in public.Jess Asato, Labour MP for Lowestoft, who has been supporting the Parkers, said: "Open justice is the proud bedrock of our democracy, but I think most people would agree that it is common sense to ensure judges understand they can exclude those convicted of child sex offences from attending court cases for similar offences."The BBC contacted the Judiciary, but it said it did not comment on specific cases.Instead, it highlighted the Criminal Practice Directions which says that where cases involve witnesses who are young or vulnerable, the court should consider whether to restrict attendance by members of the public during their evidence.Suffolk Police said: "The officer was approached by a member of the victim's family, who raised their dissatisfaction of a certain man being in the public gallery due to his alleged previous convictions."The officer took these details and carried out research on the policing systems available. The concerns and subsequent research were then passed on to the prosecuting counsel."
Connor and Toni have been supported by the organisation Restitute. Founder Cath Pickles said: "We support 200 families every year and our waiting list keeps growing."These are ordinary families who need urgent emotional and practical support."Parents and carers are the key to their loved one's recovery but they are consistently financially devastated and emotionally broken by the criminal justice system."
A Ministry of Justice spokesperson said: "Our thoughts are with Connor and his family."We know that court delays and a lack of support can have a devastating impact on victims."That is why this government is taking action to deliver swifter justice and improve victims' experience."We are funding a record number of Crown Court sitting days and have launched the 'Understand Your Rights' campaign to ensure every victim knows how to access the support they deserve."
Follow Suffolk news on BBC Sounds, Facebook, Instagram and X.