Reopen Alcatraz as a prison? Yes, but Trump shouldn't stop there
What took you so long?
The 'Rock,' as it has sometime been referred to, sits uselessly in the middle of the San Francisco Bay, criminally underutilized as a tourist destination. I've been there, and the beauty of the location is that back when cons tried to go over the wall, sharks were on duty 24/7, working as unpaid prison guards.
As Trump said, one guy tried to escape many years ago, and 'they found his clothing, rather badly ripped up. It was a lot of shark bites, lot of problems.'
Speaking of problems, critics who think this is a nutty idea say it would cost a fortune to rebuild the run-down property, which once housed the likes of Al Capone and George 'Machine Gun' Kelly but has been shuttered since 1963. A former Alcatraz tour guide said there's no running water, no sanitation and no heat.
Yes, but it's a prison, not a spa. A 'symbol of law and order,' in the words of Trump, who should know. After all, he's a convicted felon.
Although I think Trump is onto something here, my one quibble is that he's not thinking grandly enough. California has a lot of underutilized resources, so let's open our minds to the possibilities.
Less than an hour south of Alcatraz, in Santa Clara, an amusement park called Great America has been tanking for decades, and the property was just sold to a developer in what could be the beginning of the end for the once-thriving attraction.
But hold everything. I have an idea.
How about changing the name from Great America to Make America Great Again?
Kids will love the RFK Jr. Fluoride-Free Water Slide. Step right up to the Gavin Newsom dunk tank, and climb aboard the high-speed ICE Train to Deportation Station.
I also have an idea for the nearby Oakland Coliseum, which has been rudely abandoned by both the football Raiders and the baseball A's.
I grew up in that stadium and can tell you that Raider fans, in particular, were not a timid lot. The word 'rabid' may be a stretch, but let's just say they expressed themselves with little or no inhibition, much like the crew that invaded and ransacked the U.S. Capitol after a joint session of Congress had the audacity to formalize the victory of Joe Biden
That gang of patriots has been pardoned by President Trump, but I don't know if they've found work yet.
So here's the pitch:
What self-respecting, MAGA-hat-wearing Trump fanatic wouldn't pay good money to watch live performances by antler-wearing, U.S. flag-waving, pardoned revolutionaries at the rebranded January 6 Coliseum: Where Medieval Times Meets Modern Politics?
They could go full gladiator to the cheers of the crowd. Give them ropes and muskets, dress them in skins and watch them scale a replica of the Capitol, smash windows, hunt cowering politicians and attack security forces like the heroes we know them to be.
Some of these proposals could be difficult to execute, I'll admit, but not if another California landmark is put to better use:
Let's turn Hearst Castle into the Western White House.
The onetime lair of newspaper tycoon William Randolph Hearst is currently a Central Coast state park, but, if you recall, Trump wrote a little book called 'The Art of the Deal.' All he has to do is call Gov. Newsom and say hey, buddy, how badly would you like to have more wildfire relief funds for Altadena and Pacific Palisades?
Trump sons Eric and Donald Jr. have been gallivanting around the world, pitching a billion-dollar hotel deal in Dubai, a residential tower in Saudi Arabia and a golf course and villa in Qatar, to which I say, 'Well done, boys.' But after so many years of public service, don't you deserve to live in a castle?
Once they're ensconced in San Simeon's 115-room Casa Grande, the Trump brothers could make Dad proud by dismantling the state's pesky coastal commission, expanding offshore drilling and bringing a touch of the Atlantic City experience to the West Coast.
Big Sur is OK, but I can't think of a single hotel there with either a casino or a prime rib buffet.
Imagine a Mar-a-Lago Monterey in California's near future.
And how about a 60-story Trump Tower Torrance, with a rooftop driving range and golden beach umbrellas.
The Western White House could also run interference for SpaceX founder Elon Musk, whose attempts to shoot off more rockets at Vandenberg Space Force Base have been stymied by regulators at the aforementioned coastal commission.
I say the more moonshots the better, and I'm talking about one-way trips. Load up those rockets with political enemies, lying news media, the bad hombres and lunatic judges. You can add biomedical researchers and climate scientists to the manifest too, because they're going to be out of work anyway.
I'm just spitballing here, but I think the Queen Mary could easily be repurposed as a floating prison, to handle overflow from Alcatraz.
L.A.'s Cathedral of Our Lady of the Angels can be a Vatican satellite when Trump becomes pope.
With his crypto wealth growing by billions in recent months, Trump could take over Crypto.com Arena in downtown Los Angeles and turn it into a personal piggy bank.
And thanks to tariffs, there could be enough room in all of the empty cargo containers at the ports of L.A. and Long Beach to eliminate homelessness overnight.
All that can stand in the way of making America great again is a lack of imagination, so feel free to send me your own ideas about how to make better use of existing resources. But first, let me share one more of mine.
From the banks of Alcatraz, you can almost toss a frisbee to nearby Angel Island, which is also vastly underutilized. I've been there, and it's a perfectly lovely state park with stunning 360-degree views. But do you know what it used to be used for?
In the first half of the last century, hundreds of thousands of immigrants were processed, interrogated and detained on the island. And the barracks are still there.
What are we waiting for?
steve.lopez@latimes.com
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