
Brighton's dog show is the highlight of my year
It is time for the highlight of my year: Bark in the Park, in Queen's Park. In what has become an annual event for us, my friends Ben, Janine, David and Nancy and I bring along a light picnic and a few drinks, and we sit down to watch Brighton's finest dogs, and their owners, compete for rosettes awarded for discipline, talent, self-control and generally being a good boy/girl. Some people and their dogs have been training for it all year. And some of them, one suspects, have not.
The first few rounds are nothing special when compared to the final rounds. This might sound dismissive but, really, the last rounds are something else. I arrive at about one o'clock to watch the doggy triathlon. One of its tests involves jumping through a hoop. Very few dogs manage this smoothly, for the owners have to let go of the lead and this leaves the dogs baffled. I turn up just in time to see a bulldog grab hold of the hoop with its teeth and refuse to let go. Its owners, and a few stewards, chase it around the arena to try to prise the hoop from its jaws. This is what we are here for. The crowd goes wild.
There are about 200 people here, I'd say, sitting around a roped-off area about 30 square metres in each direction. People are of all ages, and there is a Mr Whippy van, a French-crêpe vendor in an antique Citroën and numerous local businesses selling dog merch such as freshly baked dog treats from the Paws Bakery. Just behind us is a bratwurst van and the smells coming from it are driving me crazy, so God alone knows how the dogs are keeping it together.
This is fitting, for one of our favourite rounds is coming up: Temptation Alley. In this, the dogs have to run, or pace, a gauntlet of tempting snacks on either side, and ignore them all, saving themselves up for a much nicer treat at the end. The rate of failure is fairly high, and I do not see how it could be otherwise. But first there is the Golden Oldies round, where dogs over seven years old are walked around the arena and expected to survive. They all do. I don't know who won, but it should have been the white, exhausted-looking dog who may have been a Dachshund once, and who measured the ground in slow, deliberate steps.
'That,' said David, 'is my spirit animal.'
Ben sidles up to me and murmurs in my ear.
'Don't look now,' he says, 'but there's a man behind us who's been saying it's weird to turn up to a dog show without any dogs.' (We do not have dogs, but Ben used to look after a savage Pomeranian called, of course, Simon Le Pom. I do not have the space to tell the stories of his reign of terror.) 'Is it really that weird?' Ben continues. 'I mean, if we'd turned up to a school sports day without any kids, then, yes, that would be weird.'
Subscribe to The New Statesman today from only £8.99 per month Subscribe
Then there is the fancy dress round. This, for reasons I am sure I do not have to explain, is a particularly controversial and hard-fought round. One year a dog was given a lion's mane and it looked magnificent, but did not win first prize. 'Fix!' we shouted. It struck me then that this would be fertile ground on which to run an illegal book. One would have to have more inside knowledge, of course, but I have a year until the next one.
The dogs in their glad rags parade.
'There's a dog there that's dressed as another dog!' cries Ben, outraged.
'It's a panda,' says his wife, the unspoken words 'you berk' hanging in the air.
Three days on, and Ben is still fuming about this. 'It's like they skinned a dog, and then made the other one wear its pelt.' (It didn't really look like that had happened. In fact, it looked rather cute, and definitely like a panda.) In the end it won. A red setter dressed as a belly-dancer came third, even though her dress had slipped off by the end. 'Doesn't have the hips,' says Janine.
But the absolute highlight of the day is the sausage catching. In this, the owners throw their dogs a Morrisons cocktail sausage and their dogs have to catch it in mid air without stepping over the line. This is as much a test of the humans' ability to throw as it is of the dogs' ability to catch. More so, in fact. One feels for the dogs let down by their people, who themselves have had all year to train for this. One dog doesn't even stand up to take his sausage. The crowd goes delirious. But in the end, the prize goes to a chocolate Lab, who had also, amazingly, won Temptation Alley. To both ignore treats and catch them in mid air on the same day is a rare, once-in-a-generation skill set. I think of the great England all-rounders: Botham, Flintoff, Stokes.
Look, this is the best of Britain. It is amateur, hilarious, and as wholesome as a sunny summer's day. I am going to pitch a documentary about this to Channel 4. Think of the Great British Bake-Off, but with dogs. And none of that Crufts business where, as Ben puts it, the judges lift their tails up and look at their arseholes. Publication of this article implies copyright. So don't pinch this idea. It's mine. Along with the illegal side-bets.
[See also: The lost futures of Stereolab]
Related
Hashtags

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


The Independent
10 hours ago
- The Independent
Nepo babies used to get on our nerves – now they've got the upper hand
This week, Brooklyn Beckham shocked his followers when he shared a video of himself rustling up a tomato pasta dish using seawater. In the clip posted to his Instagram, the would-be chef leans off the back of a luxury yacht and dips a silver saucepan into the sea, before bringing the briny to boil and plopping in some spaghetti. 'That's disgusting,' one person commented. Others said: 'Nothing like cooking in sewage water …' and – possibly most devastating of all – 'Go get a real job PLEASE!!!!!!' Beckham, 26, has long faced criticism from nepo baby haters for using his privileged position as the eldest child of David and Victoria Beckham to his advantage in his various 'careers'. His amateurish seawater pasta is but his latest clueless foray into the world of work. He irritated established fashion photographers when, aged 16, he was hired by Burberry to shoot its latest fragrance campaign. In a juvenile collection of his photographs, published by Penguin Random House, his shot of a dimly lit elephant was accompanied by a caption: 'Elephants in Kenya. so hard to photograph but incredible to see.' In 2022, his career relaunch as an chef-influencer, with his straight-to-Instagram show Cookin' with Brooklyn, reputedly required a team of 62 professionals, including culinary producers, cameramen and several producers – and cost a staggering £74,000 an episode to make. Nothing like starting at the bottom and working your way up, is there? When Oasis return to Wembley Stadium this weekend, for the first time since 2009, as part of the brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher's reunion tour, they will be supported by Richard Ashcroft of The Verve. But eyes have no doubt rolled at Liam's daughter Molly and Ashcroft's son Sonny gracing the front of the new issue of Tatler, as cover stars for their latest Cool Britannia issue for the same reason: they are only famous because of their parents. In the cover photo, Molly, 27, a model, is standing on an elaborate gilded French stool in a blue leather mini-coat, with musician Sonny, 25, who is hoping to release music soon – wearing a tie against the backdrop of a huge Union flag. The trouble with nepo babies – a phrase coined in 2022 that shortens 'nepotism', and which Gwyneth Paltrow dismissed as an "ugly moniker" with which to beat the children of famous people – is that they are successful only because their famous parent(s) helped them get their foot in the door. Those that are talented struggle to escape the pervasive feeling that their connections and money have given them a headstart that other equally talented people won't get. The resentment is that it's grossly unfair as the rest of us have to claw our way to the top. We can't just walk into a movie role, or capitalise on being the next generation leading the Britpop revival. To win favour, nepo babies shouldn't deny or hide their privilege like Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis's daughter Lily-Rose Depp, 26, did when she once claimed in Elle magazine that 'nothing is going to get you the part except for being right for the part'. This week, Isadora Bjarkardottir Barney, 22-year-old daughter of Icelandic singer Björk, claimed that being a nepo baby 'doesn't help you much', after landing her first leading role in a feature film, The Mountain. Hailey Bieber tried to embrace the term by wearing a 'Nepo Baby' crop top in 2023, to acknowledge her Baldwin family dynasty links, but was then criticised online for 'not being enough' of a nepo baby. Stranger Things actor Maya Hawke – daughter of Ethan Hawke and Uma Thurman – tried a different tack, admitting what a privileged position she is in, compared with the rest of us. Since the whole debate erupted with New York Magazine's 2022 cover The Year of the Nepo Baby, things have changed. I say it's about time we stopped hating on nepo babies. Today's nepos – nepo 2.0, the next generation – are fully aware of their ridiculousness, and they're now actually playing up to it. Because they can't help who their famous parents are – and what else are they supposed to do? That's why Beckham now courts criticism and finger-pointing laughs by cooking seawater pasta, and why the Oasis nepo babies are happy to push their status as cultural icons for a new generation. The difference is the new breed of nepo babies aren't struggling with the nepo label. They are just happy to weaponise it and get up in our faces. Blue Ivy Carter, 13, the daughter of Beyoncé and Jay-Z, has been dubbed a positive example of nepotism in the music industry for her stage presence and talent after she brazenly adopted the role of chief backing dancer for her mum's Cowboy Carter tour – often stealing the limelight. Kai Gerber, 23, looks the spitting image of her supermodel mum Cindy Crawford – for a reason. She's continuing Crawford's legacy in the fashion industry. Nepo babies offer the rest of us light relief in dark times. Getting ahead because of mum and/or dad isn't going away – so we might as well enjoy it.


Daily Mail
12 hours ago
- Daily Mail
Britain's UNLUCKIEST names, revealed - so, is yours on the list?
If you've ever felt like you just can't catch a break, it might not be random. Experts have analysed personal injury claims and identified the names most likely to have suffered slips, trips, falls and workplace incidents. Some of the unluckiest names are more than 20 per cent more likely than the average person to file a personal injury claim, they revealed. And it's bad news for people called David or Joanne – as they top their respective lists. Researchers analysed personal injury claims submitted to Edwards Hoyle solicitors over the space of a year. The data revealed that the name David accounted for a larger share of claimants than any other male name. Odds analysis suggests a man named David is a fifth more likely than average to file a personal injury claim. The news is enough to make David Beckham and David Attenborough pay special attention to their everyday safety. James Norton (pictured) is known for playing a 'bad boy' in Happy Valley - but in real life he has a name that indicates he's more likely to trip over his feet Sadly for actor James Norton, his name places second in the 'unluckiest' list of men. Comedian Stephen Fry, Prince Andrew and Coldplay frontman Chris Martin all possess first names which also appear in the top five list, the data showed. The top unluckiest female name was Joanne - especially for everyday accidents like trips or burns, the analysis showed. This would include the likes of Harry Potter author J K Rowling and actress Joanne Froggatt. According to the data, a Joanne's odds of lodging an injury claim were roughly one in 20 per year – significantly above the average for women. Other unlucky women are those named Emma, Clare, Karen and Lisa, the analysis showed. The likes of actress Emma Watson, broadcaster Clare Balding and presenter Lisa Snowdon should perhaps take heed. A spokeswoman from who commissioned the research, said: 'While your name alone doesn't doom you to bad luck, these findings show that some names turn up more often when accidents happen. 'Next time you slip, trip or burn your dinner, you might just blame your name… and have the data to back it up.' They explained that David and Joanne were extremely common names for people born in the 1970s – 80s, so they appear more often in any large dataset. Younger workers in physically demanding roles also tend to file more claims – and certain names also dominate those age groups. 'If your name is on the list, don't panic!' they added. 'Just be a little extra careful on staircases and kitchen floors.'


Daily Mirror
a day ago
- Daily Mirror
Death In Paradise star Ben Miller's life from famous exes to 'unmanageable' health condition
Ben Miller is best known for his role as Detective Inspector Richard Poole in BBC's Death In Paradise, but away from the screen he has lived a very interesting life Ben Miller, best known for his role as Detective Inspector Richard Poole in the first two series of Death In Paradise, left fans devastated when he exited the BBC show at the start of series three. The 59-year-old actor's departure was a shock to loyal viewers, with many claiming the show had been "ruined" after his character was killed off and replaced by Kris Marshall as Detective Inspector Humphrey Goodman. Miller's decision to leave the crime drama came as he wanted to prioritise his family life, following the news that his wife was expecting their second child. Despite his successful stint on Death In Paradise, Miller began his career as a comedian, forming one half of the duo Armstrong and Miller. He also boasts roles as Angus Jeremy Bough in the Johnny English film series and James Lester in ITV's sci-fi series Primeval. He also appeared in the BBC One comedy, Austin, reports Wales Online. Off-screen, Miller is married to film producer Jessica Park, daughter of renowned TV and film musician Alan Parker. The couple, who wed in 2013, share three children and enjoy a quiet life in the Cotswolds. They welcomed their first son, Harrison, in 2011, followed by their daughter, Lana, in 2015. As a family, they grappled with Ben's demanding filming timetable, having discovered Jessica was expecting Harrison during the shooting of Death in Paradise's inaugural series. To handle the circumstances and move to a larger family residence, Jessica and Ben shifted from London to Cirencester. Discussing the relocation at the time, Ben revealed to The Telegraph: "We needed more room because our son, Harrison, who was three, was bouncing off the walls. I mean literally bouncing off the walls." Private life Before his romance with Jessica, Ben was wed to actress Belinda Stewart-Wilson, who gained recognition for her part in the beloved series The Inbetweeners as Will McKenzies' attractive mum, Polly. Belinda also achieved success in shows including Stay Close and Sick Note and even appeared alongside her then-husband Ben in Primeval. The pair tied the knot in 2004 and had a son, Sonny, in 2006 before they chose to separate, finalising their divorce in 2011. During a 2010 interview with The Guardian, Ben disclosed things had concluded amicably, sharing with the newspaper: "My wife and I have been separated for a while, but we have an arrangement where Sonny spends half the time with me and half the time with her. "I very much wanted the perfect nuclear family, and I came from the perfect nuclear family, but like so many people, that isn't the way things have worked out. I'm very lucky in that Belinda and I are good friends." In a previous piece for the Daily Mail, Ben also spoke warmly about his upbringing at Cambridge University's St Catherine's College. It was there that Ben truly began to discover himself as an individual. He found his passion for the performing arts and abandoned his studies to chase comedy instead. However, during his time at university, he also romanced a massively famous film star. Rachel Weisz is most recognised for her part in The Mummy film franchise as Evelyn O'Connell. He wrote: "I joined the Footlights drama club and met a lot of creative, witty people, including Rachel Weisz, who was my girlfriend for a time. Footlights gave me enormous confidence, and being around people who were so funny and clever was wonderful. 'Unmanageable' health condition The performer previously revealed his battle with OCD after landing the role in the ITV drama series Professor T, portraying the character Professor Jasper Tempest. In a subsequent chat with The Express, Ben admitted: "I did struggle a lot with OCD, particularly in my twenties, and I'm very lucky in that it's all very manageable now. But there were times where it was unmanageable." In the ITV programme, Jasper is a criminology genius who battles obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Ben went on This Morning to discuss his part and what it truly signified to him, having also endured the condition throughout his life. In 2022, he said: "I've talked about this from the very beginning. I also have OCD, so when I came across this part, it was a very exciting moment for me to play this character. "My symptoms, I guess you could say, are very different and sort of present in different ways to the professor, and I also had cognitive behavioural therapy to help me, I suppose you could say, ameliorate [them]." Ben continued: "So, for me, it's very emotional to play this character because he's completely unashamed. I was always very ashamed of my OCD, that's one of the reasons why I got the treatment, [Professor T] doesn't really care. He makes everyone else go along with every single tiny detail of his regime." Outside of acting Beyond his acting career, Ben keeps himself occupied penning children's fiction novels. He's penned numerous beloved children's titles, including The Boy Who Made The World Disappear, Diary Of A Big Bad Wolf, and The Day I Fell Into A Fairytale. The entertainer recently appeared on Chris Evans' radio breakfast programme to discuss his chart-topping publications whilst promoting his eighth book, Once Upon a Legend. He revealed to Chris: "I get so much joy out of doing this. It's something I never thought I would end up doing. I started out doing comedy with Alexander Armstrong. We were so focused on sketches. "You take a little side road and you think, 'I'll write a little story, and you end up in a whole new area that you'd never even imagined."