All-Ireland quarter-finals: Greatest weekend ever of the greatest show on earth

Irish Daily Mirror

4 hours ago

Orange flags. Hooters, Lovely two-point shooters.
Roll up, roll up, folks, for what is undoubtedly the greatest weekend ever, for unquestionably the greatest show on earth.
Mini bus loads of lads will go on the lash. Bodies will crash.
And 30 men will half kill each other as they kick a roundy white piece of leather around a field.
In a strange coincidence, people dressed in jeans with similar coloured tops will jump out of their seats and roar their approval at exactly the same time. Those similarly dressed people will all sit back down again.
Up high in the gods, where the seagulls swirl, they'll murmur in hushed reverential tones that, 'Jim Gavin was right' and that he did indeed create and choreograph what is absolutely, 100percent the greatest show on earth.
Meanwhile, in the corporate boxes they'll be glued to their phones watching Sky as 'the Lions' - mostly Irish, some British - face down the Taiwanese Tornados in a key challenge match in Botswana.
And somewhere in a central location in the Hogan Stand, keeping a low profile, Jim Gavin will nod knowingly, as he looks out onto the field ever so slightly perturbed at Dublin missing another load of two pointers.
For it was he who peered out from behind those big glasses, as his master plan to save the game began to take shape.
Out on Clonliffe Road, hoards are flocking from every corner of Ireland to the big grey behemoth on Jones' road for a festival of football the likes of which we've never seen before.
Someone will try to get into Quinns, so drunk they haven't noticed it closed down 10 years ago.
And down the road in McGrath's a bar man goes down with cramp in his wrist from pulling rows of Guinness. The hear bar man waves play on as it's not a head injury.
A tired and weary Donegal arrive first, turning up in a series of four man ice baths wheeled all the way from the Abbey Hotel by their fanatical and financially broken fan base.
First up in their ice bath is Niall O'Donnell, Shane O'Donnell and Conor O'Donnell, joined by their great uncle, Daniel O'Donnell, in his togs belting out 'I just want to dance with you.'
In a lovely moment of karma, it emerges later that the Donegal ice baths took a wrong turn and headed off down the N7 after being caught in 'road works.'
A Prime Time Special later uncovers the truth, with eyewitness accounts of Ger Brennan in a Chadwicks Builder's yard in Clondalkin buying a set of traffic cones and orange bibs.
Footage later emerges of Sam Mulroy in an orange bib and hard helmet on a walkie talkie speaking to a smiling Tommy Durnin as he turns a 'Stop' sign to 'Go.'
Back in the present and the ball is thrown in. Jim McGuinness consults with Colm McFadden and Neil McGee.
Neither look flustered as Rory Beggan swings his right leg effortlessly and points a free from up at the back of the Hill 16 terrace.
Beggan saunters back down to his goals with a blue flare in his hands.
A pundit in a commentary box ingeniously compares Beggan's kick to a pitching wedge. Everyone at home nods in agreement at this ingenious comparison.
Back down on the pitch Finbarr Roarty is zipping around as if he's delivering takeaways on a scooter all over Dublin 3.
Soon enough Stephen O'Hanlon pinballs off a load of lads in yellow and green jerseys - and then does it again - before big Gary Mone hits a crazy looking shot.
People in the stands say, 'That's a crazy looking shot from big Gary Mohan' as it hangs in the air, hangs in the air, hangs in the air and drops over the bar for two points.
Meanwhile, on social media, a Spartan 'keyboard warrior' dies on his shield.
Many people on 'X,' mostly from Kerry, will give out about the ball not being kicked inside. No-one will kick the ball inside - except for Kerry, and Michael Murphy.
Back out on the field, Michael Murphy races out to field a kick out, turns, launches it 50 metres goalwards, sprints in, catches it and sticks it in the net.
The Lions fans up in corporate hospitality, by this stage half loaded on Vit H, raucously hail the skill set of Murphy's chase.
Someone in the Cusack Stand will profess that Donegal are over-reliant on Michael Murphy.
Meanwhile, Michael Langan, whose name even sounds languid, will look languid as he eases over score after score.
Langan's GPS will bleep, go green and send a message to his email saying he's broken his own world record for ground covered by someone looking languid.
Back down at pitchside, Shaun Patton will launch a missile that threatens the country's neutrality.
Meanwhile, on the sideline, a Maor Foirne will be sent to the stands for jumping up and down and firing a water bottle into the ground.
Soon enough, Stephen Cluxton will emerge from under the Hogan stand looking non-plussed for his 1000th game at Croke Park.
King Con will give out pre game foot massages to his fellow Dublin forwards to settle them down.
Then the referee throws the ball in. Six foot eight Peadar Ó Cofaigh Byrne catches his direct Tyrone opponent by the throat and lifts him up in the air with one hand, while catching the ball with the other.
Cluxton takes two steps back and pops the ball to the right sideline under the Cusack Stand where Ciaran Kilkenny is arriving at speed with his arm already up to claim a mark.
For his next trick, Cluxton takes two steps back and rains the ball down on top of six foot 10 Ó Cofaigh Byrne on the Hogan stand side.
Ó Cofaigh Byrne, all six foot eleven of him, holds two Tyrone men up in the air with one hand and catches the ball in the other.
Some Dublin fan in the crowd will say, 'His ma is yer one that used to be on the telly.' Some other Dublin fan will say, 'Wha, Twink.' Someone else will say Ó Cogaigh Byrne is growing right in front of our eyes.
And there it is, a kid with a hooter will blare it in someone's ear for no apparent reason.
That same kid will then wave a flag over someone's face. The kid's parents will look on proudly, in awe of their little flag waving, horn blaring angel and wonder how you couldn't love him.
Someone will be fuming, but won't say anything.
Then it starts spitting rain, and six oul lads put up massive golf umbrellas, prodding everyone around them in the face.
And out of the blue, some pissed git with a little wool headband will land in 20 minutes late, wreaking of fags and cider with 10 people having to get out of their seats as he nudges every one of them with his big arse on the way past.
Your brain will scream, you should have stayed at home and watched it on the telly, as the big screen blasts out one of those 'Nothin Beats Being There,' ads.
You think, being at home on your favourite spot on the couch does.
Back to the action. Brian Howard will shimmy. His man will back off. Soon enough, Lee Gannon will take on a two point shot.
Then Paddy Small goes straight at his man with his chest out and knocks him into the Canal End before fisting the ball over the bar.
Someone on 'X' with a hot take will immediately bemoan hand-passed points. Elon Musk, who can point from an acute angle off both hands, will ban the hand pass moaner.
Up at the other end, Darragh Canavan will take some watching. Ruairi Canavan will pull the trigger. Peter Canavan will start, be taken off and come back on again.
Niall Morgan will come for a crazy high ball………..and catch it.
Peter Harte will launch over a two point effort off the outside of his left foot from 55 metres
Kieran McGeary will draw a free for a high tackle.
And we'll all proclaim after it all ends that Tyrone are back or Dublin are contenders again.
Over the course of two never to be forgotten days, seven keepers will f***k up their kickouts regularly but everyone will focus on the Galway goalie.
Meanwhile, in the RTE studio, a pundit will look earnestly and nervously at Joanne Cantwell and tell her that 'the kickouts will be key.'
And for the course of four entire games, players will block each other off with blatant fouls. Not one of which will be blown by seemingly oblivious referees.
A manager will give away a two point free for mouthing off. It will cost his side the game, but he'll blame his players lack of composure afterwards.
Outrage soon ensues (again) as Meath goalie Billy Hogan erects a small set of scaffolding in front of his goals, climbs way up above his crossbar, and tips over a Shane Walsh 50 metre dead ball boomer for a single point.
Soon enough Sean Rafferty shoulders someone in maroon.
Someone in maroon goes down, while up in the stands a Meath fan with a criss-crossy Kepak jersey, still living in the 80s and 90s, announces for all to hear that Donal Keogan would have got on any of their great teams.
Meath are under pressure and big John Maher is running at pace with his chest out. Rob Finnerty's hair is waving about in the wind, he's moving so fast as he kicks six points from play.
In an unfortunate incident Shane Walsh pulls his socks up too far and loses his balance shooting because one of his arms is caught in one of his socks.
Shane Walsh still nails the two pointer anyway.
Up in the press box, an RTE co-commentator will proclaim that 'two point shooters could be key.'
And as if this wasn't enough, the stadium announcer tells us that now we have the main event. Dublin come out onto the field again, but are sent back in.
By this stage the Kerry team will have arrived at Croke Park in a fleet of ambulances, powered solely by the fumes of 'yerra' and a sense of perceived injustice at being written off.
And in an unprecedented move, a manager of one of the eight teams will turn up without a black baseball cap.
Jack O'Connor will peer out from under his and not look too impressed by the non black baseball cap wearer.
Up in the commentary box, Eamonn Fitzmaurice will give the viewers every single match up three and a half seconds after the throw-in, breaking his own world record for nailing the match-ups.
Down on the field, David Clifford will do a bit of dunting with his marker on the way to scoring 1-10 in the first half.
David Clifford and his marker will both look outraged when a perma-smiling referee with gleaming Turkey teeth talks to them with his two hands out in front of his body in a conciliatory way.
Up on RTE they'll tell us it's good refereeing and they can hear how nicely he's talking to the players. The rest of us will wonder why we don't have a ref mike. The Lions fans in the boxes are fully cut by now and haven't noticed.
Down at the other end, Ross McQuillan will rip past someone's shoulder only to find Jarlath Og Burns has ripped past the other shoulder.
Rian O'Neill will lean back and launch over a two point effort from 67 metres. The ball will come down with seagull shit on it and drop over the bar.
Tom O'Sullivan will line up a shot with the outside of his left foot. Oisin Conaty will do something electric.
While up in the full forward line, David Clifford is down on his knees in praise of the 'three-up' rule, before rising to score 3-6 in four and a half minutes.
Paudie Clifford will pass the ball to David Clifford. David Clifford will shoot.
Then, off camera, someone rips David Clifford's jersey. An older lady in the front of the stand who is knitting takes out her sowing kit and patches it up. David Clifford returns to score 4-8 in the next 15 minutes.
Next up is Ethan Rafferty. Ethan Rafferty flies past a load of outfield players. Ethan Rafferty catches a kick out. Ethan Rafferty hits a two pointer. Ethan Rafferty dummies a man and kicks it over the bar. Ethan Rafferty makes a point blank save. Ethan Rafferty launches a pinpoint kickout.
And behind him in the Nally Stand, a niche sports fan claims Ethan Rafferty is better at the road bowling.
Armagh fans are waiting for Stefan Campbell to come off the bench, kick two points and a wide, and set up a goal chance, but he's not in the 26.
The game will go to extra time. David Clifford will go down with cramp on his way to a 7-14 haul as we move onto a penalty shoot out.
After it's all over, Jim Gavin will stand up, adjust his black baseball cap, put away his laptop, text the GAA's Games Intelligence Unit on his burner phone and head off home to prepare a 'Benefit Realisation Model' for first thing in the morning.
And all over our wonderful land, the ordinary GAA people at home and in the stands will proclaim this was indeed the greatest weekend ever for the greatest show on earth.