The Silent Epidemic That May Be Hurting Your Health
Feeling lonely doesn't necessarily mean you're alone. 'It can happen whether there are people around or not,' says Jacqueline Olds, M.D., psychiatrist at Massachusetts General Hospital and author of The Lonely American. Instead, you may feel disconnected from other people—and sad about that lack of connection.
'Loneliness is a subjective experience or feeling,' says Sari Chait, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and founder of Behavioral Health and Wellness Center. 'It can be brief or situational, such as if you've recently moved to a new town where you don't know anybody yet. Or loneliness can be more chronic.'
When chronic, the feeling comes with real consequences. Studies have found that loneliness can make you feel stressed, impact your immune system, and increase inflammation. Other research has linked loneliness to an increased risk of early death. Loneliness is associated with a slew of chronic conditions, like depression, heart disease, and cognitive decline. And some researchers have gone as far as calling it a public health epidemic.
'Loneliness can negatively impact almost all aspects of your life,' says Chait. Fortunately, there are expert-backed steps you can take to combat loneliness—boosting both your happiness and your health. 'If you can become more socially connected, it's like giving up smoking,' says Dr. Olds.If you're lonely, you may not feel like getting out and seeing people. That's normal. 'Often, feelings of loneliness lead people to isolate more,' says Chait. But withdrawing can trigger a vicious cycle, causing you to feel even lonelier than you already do, she says.
So push yourself to be social anyway. Set up a cooking class with a friend, schedule a workout with a coworker, or head somewhere that offers group meetings and activities, like a local library or community center.
Changing your routine will get you out of the house. And doing activities you like will give you the chance to connect emotionally with people who share your interests, says Chait—something that can ultimately help you overcome feelings of isolation.Loneliness in marriages, romantic relationships, and partnerships isn't uncommon. In fact, about 28% of people who aren't satisfied with their family life report feeling lonely all or most of the time, according to a Pew Research Center survey.
'People sometimes feel lonely despite connections because their needs aren't being met,' says Chait. Feel like something is missing in your relationship or you're growing apart? Schedule one-on-one time for you and your partner every week to check in and truly connect, suggests Dr. Olds.
Dr. Olds also recommends a 'distance alarm'—something that helps you notice you might be drifting apart and prompts you to do something about it. This is a key aspect of lasting marriages, she says. And planning a romantic dinner or a fun outing is a great way to reconnect.Afraid to be alone because you think you'll feel lonely? 'If you can find activities you enjoy doing by yourself and reframe what being alone means to you, it can be quite powerful,' says Chait.
Learning how to enjoy your time alone—curling up with a new book you've been dying to read or hitting that a weekly yoga class—can give you something fulfilling to look forward to, even if you're not engaging in social interactions, she says.Being surrounded by people doesn't necessarily prevent loneliness. A 2018 Cigna study found that 27% of Americans rarely—or never—feel like they spend time around people who actually get them. And only about half said they have meaningful, daily, in-person interactions with friends or family.
That's a problem. Spending your days small-talking with people you're not clicking with can cause you to miss deeper, significant relationships, says Dr. Olds.
So take the opportunity to reconnect with someone you're close to. Tell a cross-county friend you miss her, and schedule time to catch up. Or grab lunch with your sister. This can strengthen your relationships with people who truly know you, making you feel less lonely, she says.Volunteering is a great way to interact with people you have something in common with. Clean up a local park on a Saturday morning, join Big Brothers Big Sisters, or sign up for a volunteer trip. To reap the benefits, look for a group that meets at least once a month.
'Joining other people on a mutual project where you share a mission can be conducive to forming good friendships and helping you feel much less isolated,' says Dr. Olds. 'You don't have to know them well, but you have to share some value.'The relationship between social media and connection is complex. Some research has linked social media use to depression, anxiety, and sleep issues. But other studies have suggested that social media use can reduce loneliness and isolation, especially in older adults.
The trick, Dr. Olds says, might be to use Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter to truly connect with people. That means less time mindlessly scrolling and more time messaging people, reaching out to stay in touch with old friends, and joining groups you're interested in.Sometimes a busy schedule or packed social calendar isn't enough to feel less lonely, and seeking the help of a professional is necessary. In these moments, therapy can be very effective. Chait specifically recommends cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), because it can help you identify and change the thought processes that may be behind your loneliness.
'Your therapist will also help you change your behaviors that are contributing to loneliness,' she says. '[And they can] help you initiate new behaviors [to] combat the loneliness.'At some point or another, most people feel lonely. Maybe you're moving to a different city, starting a new job, or going through a breakup. Feeling isolated from time to time is par for the course, says Dr. Olds.
Simply admitting you feel lonely and talking about your loneliness can make all the difference in connecting with others and normalizing your experience. After all, you're probably not the only one going through this. And opening up could help you—and others—feel less alone.
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