I agreed to husband's request to try swinging – but now he wants divorce because I enjoyed it ‘too much'

The Sun

2 days ago

DEAR DEIDRE: AGREEING to my husband's request to give wife-swapping a go has totally backfired.
He is now threatening divorce because I enjoyed it 'too much'.
I'm 34 and my husband is 42. We'd been blissfully married for eight years until setbacks affected our relationship.
Last year, my husband was made redundant and his mum got very ill.
Even when he found a new job and his mother recovered, he was still distant with me.
Our sex life went from wild to mild, to non-existent.
We argued. Life was depressing and it felt like we were bickering siblings.
Eventually I demanded he talk to me and he admitted he'd been using porn to distract himself from his problems.
In particular, he'd been watching swinging videos. He suggested we try wife-swapping to bridge the gap between his fantasies and our real-life marriage.
I was desperate for us to be happy again, so I agreed. We found a good-looking couple through an app and met them at a hotel.
We had dinner then all went upstairs. My husband had booked adjoining rooms.
The other man calmed my nerves by stroking and kissing every inch of my body. I've never been so aroused. I pulled him on to me and we had incredible sex. I had multiple orgasms.
Dear Deidre After Dark- Understanding open relationships
We never saw them again.
Back home the next day, I expected things to go back to normal, and our sex life to perk up, but my husband seemed cold and withdrawn. Then one night he came home drunk, ranting that I'd enjoyed it too much.
He raged about a camera he'd hidden in the hotel room and how he'd watched me 'in ecstasy' over and over again, and he showed me the footage on his laptop.
He's threatening divorce now because he can't trust me.
What should I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Jealousy is always a risk when a relationship is opened up, as my Swapping And Swinging support pack explains.
Your husband should never have filmed you without consent. That's a criminal offence and, if you reported him, could lead to up to two years in prison.
Your relationship has come to a crisis point and you need to think very clearly about what you want.
Counselling will help you work this through. You can go alone or with your husband to help you decide whether you want to stay together.
Tavistockrelationships.org (020 7380 1975) provides counselling for individuals and couples.
He has become over-reliant on porn, which is having a huge impact on your marriage.
My support pack, Pornography Worry, explains where he can get specialist help.
I CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC NEW FATHER
DEAR DEIDRE: I WAS drunk when my wife told me she was pregnant but I don't want to be drunk at the birth.
My parents were both alcoholics. I left home as soon as I could, getting a live-in job at a hotel, and I'm now a chef in a restaurant.
I met my beautiful wife four years ago and I should be the happiest man on Earth, but I can't stop drinking.
It started in the hotel where we'd all have a beer after work. It boosted my confidence and made me more talkative. I was soon drinking during my shift but nobody minded.
I met my wife during a pub crawl and she loved my persona. She didn't realise it was down to the seven pints I'd had.
When we moved in together, we'd 'share' a bottle of wine over dinner. She'd have one glass, I'd finish the rest.
When I went for my job interview for my current restaurant, I held my hands under the desk to hide their shaking. The management was strict so there was no drinking during the shift.
I started hiding vodka in the cisterns, taking a sip whenever I went to the loo. Soon I was drinking all day, even when I wasn't working.
I don't even remember my wife telling me she was pregnant.
But I do remember the look on her face when she found the empty bottles I'd stashed in the spare bedroom – the room I'm decorating to be a nursery.
I can't be a drunk 33-year-old dad. Please help.
DEIDRE SAYS: It is great that you've had a wake-up call. Children who grow up with alcoholic parents often develop drinking problems themselves. But there is hope, especially if you want to break the cycle with your own family.
Your GP is your first port of call for alcohol problems. They can provide confidential advice and refer you to the many NHS alcohol support services for further help.
You can see what's available at nhs.uk/nhs-services/find-alcohol-addiction-support-services.
You can also contact the charity wearewithyou.org.uk. It offers free, confidential support to people in England and Scotland who have challenges with drugs, alcohol or mental health. It runs local support centres and an online chat service.
My Drink Problem support pack will also help.
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW can my wife and I revive our sex life when we have teenage kids at home?
I'm 45, my wife is 42. We've been married for 20 years and we have two kids, 15 and 14. Aside from a bit of moodiness, they're both great teenagers and doing well at school.
But with the long holidays, one or the other of them is always around and it's putting a dampener on our sex life.
My wife and I are both quite noisy in bed and prefer spontaneous sex to a sedate fumble under the duvet.
We both work from home, so in theory there should be plenty of moments when we could grab each other for some fun.
But, in practice, a teenager usually wanders into the room as soon as we start snogging. We've never been caught in the act but several times I've had to hastily pull up my trousers or jump in front of my wife to protect her dignity.
We can't afford to book hotels or jet off for a dirty weekend.
DEIDRE SAYS: In fact, holidays are even worse, as our teenagers still want to come with us and often bring along a friend.
Is there a way to boost our sex life without alienating our kids?
You might need to channel your sense of adventure into finding different ways of satisfying your desires, at least until your kids leave home.
Try morning sex. Most teenagers prefer to wake up late, so set your alarm an hour earlier and use that time to reconnect.
If you don't have them already, install a lock on your bedroom door and bathroom.
You could also explore making love in the bathroom with the shower running – it can drown out a lot of moans and whimpers.
You obviously need privacy but it won't traumatise your children to know you still have an active sex life.
They'll just jam on their headphones or turn the TV volume up.
There are lots more ideas in my support pack 50 Ways To Add Fun to Sex. I suggest that you read it together.
SON IS OUT OF CONTROL
DEAR DEIDRE: I AM losing control of my son's behaviour.
He's 11. I'm a single mum to him and his 14-year-old sister. Their father isn't involved.
If I ask my son to do something 'boring' like tidy his room or clear up his plates, he kicks off, shouting and swearing.
Punishments like grounding, or no Xbox, improve things for a while but then he reverts.
Recently I heard him having a row with my daughter, telling her to kill herself.
What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: Your son sounds unhappy. He might be missing his dad or struggling at school but you can't help until he opens up.
Activities such as building, cooking, going for walks or drives usually encourage kids to chat.
It's unacceptable for him to tell your daughter to kill herself. That's a frequent insult on social media – he might be spending too much time online so set stricter screen-time limits.
This is a lot to cope with alone. Talk to familylives.org.uk (0808 800 2222) for free, impartial support.
Are we right for each other?
DEAR DEIDRE: MY partner spends every evening in bed watching telly.
We're both 32 and have been together for 12 years. We possibly rushed into things as we moved in together three months after we met.
She got pregnant a year later and we now have two kids. We were happy so I never questioned if we were right for each other. But I'm questioning it now.
I have a busy job but in the evenings I'd like us to connect with a family game, a walk or a nice meal. Her response? 'I'm tired.' She goes to bed early and watches TV until she falls asleep. I feel trapped.
DEIDRE SAYS: Try not to nag her into changing. Instead let her know you're worried about her and miss her company.
Her lifestyle suggests she might be depressed, or suffering from fatigue. A GP check-up would be an idea, then counselling.
My support pack, Looking After Your Relationship, would be good to read together.
It can be a talking point to help you make changes as a team.