Humor: Local dad 'very sorry' for repeatedly crashing giant car-shaped grocery cart into shoppers

Yahoo

7 days ago

Frank Oberlin, father of two, was arrested yesterday and will face charges for what the police are describing as 'repeated and malicious attacks on elderly shoppers with a giant car-shaped grocery cart' at the local Pick-and-Save Market.
Witnesses described a chaotic scene.
'It all happened so fast. Wait, no, that's not right at all. It all happened so slowly,' shopper and eyewitness Patricia Fox said. 'I saw an older lady with a walker inching her way down the bread aisle when suddenly one of those giant carts about the size of a football field rounded the corner and kind of bumped into her. I say kind of because it was barely moving. There was a harried looking man trying to push it, but it just kept creeping from one side of the aisle to the other because the wheels would never point in the same direction.'
Other witnesses reported similar incidents — all involving elderly shoppers being mangled by a gigantic shopping cart piled high with boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch with two excited toddlers manning the fake steering wheels.
Police allege that Mr. Oberlin was operating the vehicle that left a trail of destruction and carnage in its wake.
When reached for comment, Mr. Oberlin's attorney strongly denied the charges and said Mr. Oberlin was 'very sorry' for repeatedly crashing the giant car-shaped grocery cart into elderly shoppers.
'My client is innocent,' Mr. Oberlin's attorney said. 'What you have to understand is that Mr. Oberlin didn't even want to use that monstrosity of a cart, but he had no choice. His toddlers made him. It was either give in or have them melt to the floor crying like miniature Wicked Witches of the West. Mr. Oberlin did the best he could, but have you ever tried driving one of those car carts in a crowded grocery store? It's impossible! Add in elderly shoppers on a weekday morning and it's a recipe for disaster.'
Mr. Oberlin has been released on bail with a pre-trial hearing scheduled for next month. In the meantime, the judge ordered Mr. Oberlin to use only standard shopping carts and not shop with his toddlers.
Upon exiting the courthouse, Mr. Oberlin made a brief statement to the media.
'Huh. No more car carts and no shopping with the kids? Judge's orders? It's almost like I planned this,' he said with a wink.
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