Married Men Are Revealing The "Hardest Parts" Of Marriage That Surprised Them The Most

Yahoo

11 hours ago

We recently asked the married men of the BuzzFeed Community to tell us the "hardest parts" of marriage that surprised them the most. They revealed the difficult lessons and challenges they never expected to encounter in married life, and their answers range from heartbreaking to thought-provoking. Here's what they had to say:
1."Love is amazing. Kids are amazing. Things change, and you become different people at different times, creating tension. Maybe one of you can't accept who the other is at a given time. That's hard. It can be easy to lose sight of all the good when you are not in a good place. I've been with my partner for about 25 years now, married for 14 of them."
"I really want to believe that forever love is real. Some part of me, coming from broken homes, just really needs to believe it can work. And that's hard too. Because when it's good, it's good, and when it's bad, I just… don't know why we keep doing this to ourselves. Then I wonder, did this ever work? Was it always a fairytale we just told ourselves? Or are we just so warped and broken now by this world we've allowed to be built in our name that there is nothing we can do other than just spiral off into our own individually customized algorithms of madness? I'm scared for my kids."
—Anonymous, 41, Michigan
2."Not my experience, but something a friend shared with me: 'You know how some women don't speak up because they aren't being hit, so it can't be abuse? Men don't speak up even when they are being hit because no one cares, or if they do, they think it's funny, so it doesn't matter if it's abuse. You don't tick enough boxes on the humanity test in this category.'"
—dazzlinggoose126
"My first wife physically abused me regularly, and absolutely nobody cared. Most women I spoke to at the time's first reaction was to laugh, and when the neighbors finally called the police, their first response was to arrest ME. The only places I ended up finding any support were in men's mental health groups several years later."
—metrofan
3."The biggest one I have struggled with is the intimacy plateau. When I first met your wife, it was on and popping every day, maybe several times a day, and in exciting and adventurous ways. But 'everyone knows' that after a couple of years (or decades), things cool down. The honeymoon phase ends, and that pisses me off."
"Why is it that everything she wanted when we first got together (communication, dates, 'just thinking about you' gifts, etc.) is non-negotiable and has to continue forever, but I have to accept that things aren't going to be as hot and heavy as when we first met? And if I left because that chemistry dimmed down, I'm the bad guy. I get that we have kids, and work stress, and we're not getting younger, but all those same things are reasons I don't really feel like making connection efforts either. Except I love my wife and want her to be happy, so I keep making the EFFORT to do the things I know she likes."
—Anonymous, 41, Canada
4."The constant worrying. For example, I had Achilles surgery, and the most stressful part of my day was when my wife had to walk our dog after dark. I never want anything bad to happen to her, but I was unable to walk, and if something did, I was helpless. Just the idea of anything happening to her created terror each day for me until she was back in the house and safe. I worry about things 50 years from now for no reason."
—Anonymous, 39, Colorado
5."That just because they read vows doesn't mean they are prepared for a partnership. Make sure they are prepared to have the hard conversations and work together before you trust your future with someone."
—Anonymous, 39, USA
6."The hardest part of marriage has been learning when to listen. It's easy to say you are listening just because you hear an audible noise and let your spouse say their piece, maybe even without interruption. The hard part is knowing when to lay your position down and actually listening to what they are saying without circling it back to you, especially when you think you have a point to prove."
"This can be very challenging. Success can be found when you learn how to take turns talking and listening."
—Anonymous, 36, Indiana
7."When both people in the relationship are neglected. We're so busy with maintaining everything else in life. The connection is no longer there, and we're just trying to stay afloat day by day. It's depressing to think about."
—Anonymous, 34, USA
8."Men are stressed, too. Maybe for different reasons, but just like our spouse, we, too, are overwhelmed. We don't show or talk about it because we aren't supposed to or considered weak or less of a man."
—Anonymous, 40, Indiana
9."Hardest part of marriage? All of it. Honestly, at times, you will wonder if you made the right choice; other times, you feel like you did make the right choice. At some point, you both will have different views on the world. One of you will keep score, and the other will feel trapped. Marriage is extremely hard work, and having kids makes it harder. Forget late-night gaming sessions, going out and drinking, and just staying in bed and doing nothing. One of you will always have something to do or want to do."
"Don't tell my wife, but every couple of months, I take a vacation day on my last work day of the week and don't tell her. I do the usual stuff I do for work, except I take a change of clothes and see a movie or hang out with a friend that I haven't seen. If I don't, I won't get any time for myself; she plans my every weekend, and if she knows I take a vacation day, she also plans every second of that."
—Anonymous, 35, Kentucky
10."Communication. Make the effort to tell your spouse what you love about them, just as often as you tell them what they're doing or not doing that's making your life harder. Your spouse always wants to make your life better, and if you're worth your weight in salt, you want the same for them. Tell each other you're loved and tell each other if something bothers you."
"If you can't or don't like having both of these conversations, marriage will be unpleasant at best."
—Anonymous, 40, USA
11."When your spouse tells you she doesn't express love, you desire it. When your spouse decides not to work outside the home, doesn't show any inclination for intimacy, refuses to participate in counseling, and has her loyalty to our daughter."
—Anonymous, 71, California
12."When your spouse dies."
—Anonymous, 64, Mexico
13."No matter what you do, no matter how hard you work for your family and how much you do for your kids, if your wife disagrees, then she will be seen as correct. She will believe she is correct, even if it's just a philosophical difference. It feels like because you're a man, you're wrong because the mother knows best. Even if you have justification and solid reasoning that you are correct, what you believe, and how to best nurture your children, if your wife disagrees, it doesn't matter; the father is wrong."
—Anonymous, 56, Wisconsin
14."I've been on my third marriage for six years now, and this one is the most difficult by far. I'm the one who has to change behaviors, and she takes the blame for nothing. Everything is all my fault, no matter what. I want out, but she keeps pulling me back in by showering me with love, and it becomes a cycle. I just can't take it anymore, and I'm losing my mind. How do I get out?"
—Anonymous, New Jersey
15."When you have to put up with your spouse's habits and not say anything."
—Anonymous, 72, Wisconsin
16."The hardest part is when things get real, finances will be tougher. You have to compromise on things you don't fully agree on, and learn not to take one another for granted. Both parties need to do what it takes to make a marriage work. Marriage is definitely not like the movies; it takes so much work."
"Fights will happen, and some of those fights can be soul-crushing, but you have to put your ego aside. If you're not ready to make it work, then forget it."
—Anonymous, 38, Connecticut
And finally...
17."Honestly, my parents (my partner's in-laws). I'm sure there are a lot of good in-laws out there; my in-laws are great. I was not anticipating how my parents would treat my spouse as soon as wedding planning started. Their relationship was perfectly fine before then. After? Nope. They started questioning everything. Everything they didn't like was my spouse's fault. It got worse as time passed, especially when we started setting boundaries and not letting people walk all over us anymore. My spouse blames themselves for the breakdown in my relationship with my parents, but I don't. They've gone above and beyond to maintain a relationship, but my parents have given them nothing except rudeness (my mother didn't even speak to them the last time she was here). It hasn't strained my marriage, but we both wish things could be different."
"In-law relationships can be so tricky, especially when their attitudes change for seemingly no reason. The important thing is to remember that your husband/wife/spouse is your main family now, and if your parents are mistreating them, back them up."
—Anonymous, 40, Canada
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.
Fellow married men, what are the "hardest parts" of marriage that surprised you the most? Tell us in the comments, or if you prefer to remain anonymous, use this form below.