logo
The Met Costume Institute's Former Head of Conservation Taught Us How to Store Clothes

The Met Costume Institute's Former Head of Conservation Taught Us How to Store Clothes

New York Times5 days ago
Before you store your heirlooms, be sure to clean them.
Insects eat your stains, Paulocik told us. 'It's a source of nutrition for them,' she said. So cleaning your clothes is one of the best defenses against pests.
Paulocik has a particular word of advice for anyone storing a wedding gown. Many brides have their wedding gowns dry-cleaned after the ceremony. And because a wedding gown is tricky to clean, a dry cleaner will often end up spot-cleaning it.
The problem? White wine stains may not show up for a week. In such cases, the dress will actually develop visible stains after it has been theoretically cleaned. 'It's a good idea if the bride can remember if she spilled anything that might later cause a stain and alert the dry cleaner,' Paulocik told us. Generally, the longer the stain sits, the harder it is to remove, so your best bet is to catch it early.
For more information on cleaning unique materials, Paulocik recommends checking the Canadian Conservation Institute's website. It's a treasure trove of detailed information and tips on caring for specific materials, including leather, fur, metals, feathers, and more.
And for shorter-term storage, Paulocik said she'd also get rid of any accoutrements from a dry-cleaning sesh. 'The worst kind of plastic bags are the dry-cleaning bags,' she said (more on that later). So take your garment out ASAP. Metal hangers, which are typically used at the dry cleaner, aren't supportive, and they can rust and stain clothes over time. 'I have seen the damage,' Paulocik told us. Similarly, safety pins and straight pins (two other common dry-cleaning tools) can eventually rust.
Once your garment is ready for storage, you'll want to decide whether to hang your clothes or store them in a box.
Avoid hanging items that may stretch, such as knits, heavily beaded garments, or anything cut on the bias (diagonally with the grain of the fabric).
However, some clothes are better off when they're hung. At the Met, the conservators would 'often hang some of the more complex garments because placing them in a box would crush or create damage to the structure of the garment,' Paulocik told us. 'We would custom make interior supports for garments such as Charles James gowns or some of the more contemporary designers like Alexander McQueen. That often involved a cotton twill tape waistband sewn into the garment to take some of the weight off the piece.'
If you do decide to hang your clothes, you should avoid storing anything in dry-cleaning bags or garment bags made from PEVA or PVC. 'You don't want PVC near your clothes.'
The goal is to avoid anything that's going to break down over the long term. As these 'bad plastics' age, they off-gas plasticizers. While plasticizers make the bags malleable and soft, in time they become 'really oily and greasy.' Instead, consider garment bags made of cotton or muslin, which is breathable but also protects the clothes from light and dust. These bags last forever, Paulocik said. All you need to do is wash them occasionally.
Paulocik suggests using a garment bag made from cotton, instead of plastic. This one (from an archival shop Paulocik recommends) comes in several sizes, so it can accommodate everything from christening gowns to wedding dresses. Buy from Hollinger Metal Edge
You can also consider Tyvek garment bags, which the Met Costume Institute has occasionally used, according to Paulocik. Tyvek is made from high-density polyethylene, a kind of plastic thought to have a much lower rate of off-gassing than materials like PVC film. Crucially, it keeps water out while allowing vapor to pass. If you do choose to hang your clothes in plastic, check on the bag every six months to make sure it isn't starting to yellow or get sticky (which means the plasticizers are breaking down and migrating to the surface).
In addition to avoiding wire hangers, which can warp clothes or rust, avoid wooden hangers. Over time, wooden hangers can off-gas volatile organic compounds, which can eventually weaken a textile or yellow it.
Instead, Paulocik recommends using plastic hangers made from either polypropylene or polyethylene.
Wire hangers can rust, and wooden hangers can off-gas volatile organic compounds, yellowing garments over time. Paulocik recommends using polypropylene hangers instead. And to add structure, you can wrap hangers with quilt batting or muslin. Buy from Hollinger Metal Edge
While you probably won't have a garment that needs to have a waistband sewn in, structured clothes, like suiting and hand bags, may need additional support to maintain their shape over time. You can cover a hanger with quilt batting or muslin to add structure in the shoulder area. Then the hanger is 'kind of customized to the garment,' Paulocik said.
If you're hanging a suit, for example, Paulocik also recommends stuffing the arms of the jacket with archival tissue paper to bolster the overall shape. You can essentially make '[a sausage] out of tissue and stick it up the arm,' she said. Don't raid your supply of everyday tissue paper for this task, since it can yellow and deteriorate over time.
Many pieces may be better off stored in a box. To do so, before you pack the garment away, Paulocik suggests bolstering it with and wrapping it in acid-free tissue paper. 'Try to avoid folding as much as possible. And, where you have to, support those folds with acid-free tissue,' she said.
When you store a garment in a box, Paulocik recommends wrapping it in and bolstering it with acid-free tissue paper. Buy from Hollinger Metal Edge
If you don't want to use acid-free tissue, you can alternatively use plain white cotton sheets, as long as they've been washed and are clean. At the museum, Paulocik would also place a clear plastic sleeve on top of the box, with a picture of the object for quick reference. (Labeling an item — perhaps with its history, such as the date the item was used, who wore it, and for what occasion — can be a good idea at home, too. That way, if any descendants discover your box decades later, they'll know what it is.)
It may be tempting to put your packed clothes in a cardboard box, especially since cardboard is cheap and breathable. But like other problematic materials, cardboard degrades and becomes acidic, off-gassing organic volatile compounds (which causing yellowing), Paulocik told us.
Paulocik instead recommends storing garments in an acid-free box with acid-free tissue paper. You can also use a box made from ​​corrugated polypropylene (sometimes called Coroplast). Such boxes are admittedly expensive, but they're also inert, stable, water-resistant, and dust-proof.
Skip the cardboard, which degrades and becomes acidic. Instead, Paulocik recommends packing textiles in acid-free boxes. The Hollinger boxes come in several different sizes. Buy from Hollinger Metal Edge
If it seems overwhelming to buy all of the long-term-storage items individually, consider getting Hollinger Metal Edge's Gown/Garment/Textile Preservation Kits. The kits come in several sizes and include everything you need for preservation. (Hollinger's Keepsake and Deep preservation kits are sized for wedding gowns, but there are other boxes designed for christening outfits, uniforms, and quilts.) 'The preservation kits are worth it if people just want everything together,' Paulocik said.
Overwhelmed by the prospect of buying the items you need individually? These preservation kits come in multiple sizes, and they include everything you need to store heirloom textiles, from uniforms to wedding gowns. Buy from Hollinger Metal Edge
And for anyone who opts to use a preservation company (usually geared toward wedding-gown storage) instead of DIY methods, Paulocik recommends checking on the gown periodically to make sure it's okay. She said she's seen 'too many brides' with horror stories of poorly preserved dresses.
The space where you're storing the clothes should be spick-and- span. 'I would clean the area by vacuuming and wiping things down with plain soap and water or Lysol,' Paulocik said. She said she would also avoid using mothballs, which are a pesticide.
'In museums, we monitor the storage areas and place sticky traps to see if any insects are flying around and what species they are,' Paulocik said. And this is something you can also do at home. To catch clothing moths, put traps at head height, and to trap carpet beetles, put them on the floor at the side of the doorway. These two types of critters find textiles particularly alluring.
Sticky traps, like the ones from archival-storage-company Hollinger, can help you monitor for pests in the area where you're storing clothing. $29 from Hollinger Metal Edge
Humidity and heat are other enemies of long-term storage, so it's important to maintain a good temperature wherever you're storing your clothes. Attics and basements are 'really terrible' for long-term storage, Paulocik said, unless they're climate-controlled. The attic gets too hot and dry, while the basement is too damp and humid — conditions that can accelerate deterioration.
People with no other choice sometimes use dehumidifiers to pull out the moisture and fans to circulate the air, Paulocik noted. But 'if your pieces are important,' she said, 'I would store objects in an area of your house that is climate-controlled and then check them periodically. For most people, it's on the main floor in closets or under beds.'
While heat can be detrimental to garments, in some cases the cold can be a garment's saving grace.
Paulocik told us that the Royal Ontario Museum had big, walk-in freezers. They were often a garment's first stop when it entered the collection, because the cold would kill any potential moths and moth larvae.
Paulocik uses this technique for her cashmere sweaters. First, she puts the sweater in a zip-top bag with a little piece of cotton fabric 'to absorb any moisture created when the textile is frozen and thawed.' How long you leave it in the freezer depends on several factors, such as the type of freezer you have (chest freezers tend to be colder) and how many things are in it. 'But usually a week is a good amount of time,' she said. (The technique also works for buggy books!) Wirecutter editor Megan Beauchamp panicked during a carpet beetle infestation and put her wedding dress in the freezer in a zip-top bag. It turns out this wasn't such a terrible idea. Megan Beauchamp/Wirecutter
Paulocik's advice was a relief to editor Megan Beauchamp, who recently put her wedding dress in the freezer after a carpet beetle infestation (and a panicked Reddit deep-dive). Yet now the dress has been in there for a month, and she isn't sure what to do next.
Paulocik said that Megan should now take her wedding dress out of the freezer and inspect it — especially at the seams — for any dead carpet beetles or their frass (excrement). Then pick them off and have the dress cleaned. 'Carpet beetles are less of an issue with wedding dresses unless there is a proteinaceous component to the gown,' Paulocik noted. She also warned that there are some materials that shouldn't be frozen, such as ivory.
Long-term storage should start with a clean garment (remember, insects feast on stains!), as well as a clean, climate-controlled storage area — on one of the main floors of your house (rather than in a basement or an attic). After garments are wrapped in and bolstered with acid-free tissue paper (especially at any folds), most of them can be stored in acid-free boxes or boxes made from corrugated polypropylene.
Never store a garment in a regular cardboard box or a plastic dry-cleaning bag, which will degrade over time. And be sure to take out safety pins or straight pins, which can rust or cause stains. You may also want to place a few sticky traps in the storage area, and check them occasionally for signs of pests.
And hey, if you do a good enough job now, maybe in a few thousand years your wedding gown will be on display at the Met.
This article was edited by Hannah Rimm and Katie Okamoto. Despite what the care label tells you, skip the dry cleaner and hand-wash your cashmere at home instead.
Does that delicate garment have to be dry-cleaned, or can you wash it at home? Check out our roundup of all the fabrics that can skip a trip to the cleaners.
After extensive testing, these seven storage bins, boxes, and totes are our favorites for keeping stuff clean and dry, inside or out.
What I Cover
I'm a writer on the discovery team covering travel products, along with related news, fun facts, and tips.
What I Cover
I've covered luggage and travel gear for Wirecutter for over a decade. In that time, I've covered various topics related to this coverage and sometimes far afield from it.
Orange background

Try Our AI Features

Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:

Comments

No comments yet...

Related Articles

15 Ways Boomers Handle Emotion Differently
15 Ways Boomers Handle Emotion Differently

Yahoo

time27 minutes ago

  • Yahoo

15 Ways Boomers Handle Emotion Differently

The generational tapestry of how we express emotions is ever-evolving, each era weaving its unique patterns. While Millennials and Gen Z often wear their hearts on their sleeves, Baby Boomers tend to navigate feelings with a different compass. Their methods may appear enigmatic, but beneath the surface lies a blend of history, experience, and societal influence. Let's dive into how Boomers handle emotions distinctively, offering us a lens into a world where restraint often trumps rawness. Boomers frequently project a stoic exterior, a characteristic that often leaves younger generations perplexed. This emotional restraint is rooted in a culture that encouraged keeping personal affairs private, a stark contrast to today's social media oversharing. According to Dr. Nancy Schlossberg, a renowned psychologist, many Boomers were conditioned to believe that displaying emotion was synonymous with vulnerability, an ethos passed down from their own parents who lived through the Great Depression. As a result, they've mastered the art of maintaining a calm facade while internally processing a complex array of emotions. Underneath this composed exterior, Boomers often engage in profound introspection. Their emotional landscapes are rich and varied, though not always visible to the casual observer. They might journal, meditate, or express themselves through art forms like painting or music, which serve as private outlets for their feelings. This internal complexity reflects a generation adept at navigating emotional nuances without the need for public acknowledgment. Silence is a language Boomers speak fluently, often opting for quiet reflection over immediate verbal expression. In a world that increasingly values vocal immediacy, Boomers find strength in the pause, a moment to collect thoughts before articulating them. This face-saving silence acts as a buffer, allowing them to process emotions before they surface in conversation. It's a way of maintaining control, ensuring that words are measured and meaningful. But don't mistake their silence for indifference. Boomers have honed the ability to listen deeply and observe keenly, often gaining insights that could be missed in a more hurried exchange. Their penchant for silence is, paradoxically, a tool for connection, allowing them to understand and respond with empathy. This calculated quietness is less about avoiding confrontation and more about fostering genuine, thoughtful dialogue when they do choose to speak. For Boomers, rituals serve as emotional anchors, grounding them in times of change or uncertainty. These rituals, ranging from morning coffee routines to annual family gatherings, provide a sense of stability and continuity. According to sociologist Dr. Christine Carter, rituals are a way for Boomers to process emotions through habitual practice, creating a comforting rhythm in their lives. This attachment to routine is a hallmark of their emotional resilience. Engaging in these rituals allows Boomers to navigate emotional waters without capsizing. The predictability of their routines offers solace, a structured space where feelings can be acknowledged and managed. Even mundane tasks, when performed with intention, become meditative acts that center their emotional state. For Boomers, these rituals are not mere habits but essential components of their emotional well-being. When emotions run high, Boomers often channel their energy into problem-solving rather than venting. This pragmatic approach is deeply ingrained, stemming from a time when resilience was revered and emotional expression was less encouraged. Instead of airing grievances, they focus on actionable steps to address the underlying issues. This methodical approach enables them to feel in control, turning potential emotional spirals into constructive outcomes. While some may interpret this as emotional suppression, it's more about reframing emotions as catalysts for change. Boomers view challenges as opportunities for growth, a mindset that prioritizes solutions over complaints. This doesn't mean they lack emotional depth; rather, they choose to express it through decisive action. By concentrating on resolution, they find a sense of purpose and fulfillment that alleviates emotional turmoil. Boomers often rely heavily on established support systems, valuing loyalty and trust developed over the years. These systems might include long-term friendships, familial bonds, or even community groups that have stood the test of time. Research by Dr. Robert Putnam, a social scientist, highlights how Boomers' deep-rooted connections foster emotional security, acting as a buffer against life's stresses. In contrast to newer social networks, these time-honored relationships offer a profound sense of belonging and understanding. This loyalty to tried-and-true support systems reflects their preference for depth over breadth in relationships. They cherish the familiarity and shared history within these circles, which provide a safe space for emotional expression. Rather than seeking validation from a wide audience, Boomers find solace in the intimate company of those who truly know them. This selective sharing nurtures a sense of emotional safety and continuity that is both comforting and empowering. Adept at compartmentalization, Boomers often manage emotions by neatly categorizing different aspects of their lives. This mental filing system allows them to focus on one issue at a time, reducing overwhelm and enhancing clarity. While it might seem like avoidance, compartmentalization is a strategic tool they use to prevent personal and professional spheres from colliding. By isolating emotions, they're able to tackle challenges with a clear head. This approach reflects their commitment to maintaining balance and order. Boomers understand that not every problem requires immediate emotional investment, allowing them to prioritize effectively. Compartmentalization offers them control over their emotional responses, ensuring that each situation is addressed with appropriate attention. This methodical separation of feelings becomes a powerful ally in both personal development and emotional resilience. Boomers often display a quiet strength rooted in self-reliance, a hallmark of their generational identity. Born into a world that celebrated independence, they learned to navigate emotional landscapes without heavily relying on others. According to Dr. Bella DePaulo, a respected psychologist, this self-reliance is not about isolation but rather a confidence in their ability to handle life's ups and downs. It's an emotional toolkit filled with personal insights and inner resources. This strength doesn't negate the importance of community but rather complements it. Boomers value the ability to stand on their own two feet, finding empowerment in self-sufficiency. By trusting their instincts and abilities, they cultivate an inner resilience that becomes a bedrock during times of emotional upheaval. Their approach to self-reliance is nuanced, balancing personal independence with meaningful connections. The "stiff upper lip" ethos is a legacy that Boomers carry, a cultural inheritance from previous generations. This mindset emphasizes the importance of maintaining composure and emotional restraint in public. While some might perceive it as outdated, for Boomers, it's a testament to resilience and dignity. They believe in the power of enduring adversity with grace, even if it means concealing their true feelings. However, this doesn't mean they lack emotional awareness. Instead, Boomers often save vulnerable moments for trusted confidants behind closed doors. They balance external composure with private emotional expression, ensuring their vulnerabilities are respected and protected. This duality allows them to navigate public and personal spheres with a sense of integrity and poise. For Boomers, actions often speak louder than words when it comes to expressing emotions. This preference stems from a belief in demonstrating care through tangible deeds rather than verbal affirmations. They might show affection by helping with a project, cooking a meal, or offering practical support, emphasizing the value of doing over saying. This focus on actions reflects their commitment to meaningful, impactful gestures. While some may interpret this as emotional reticence, it's actually a profound way of connecting. Boomers find comfort in the reliability of actions, which can sometimes be more enduring than fleeting words. This approach to emotional expression underscores their belief in the power of showing up and following through. It's a language of love and care that prioritizes sincerity and dedication. Family values hold a significant influence over how Boomers handle emotions, shaping their responses and priorities. Raised with an emphasis on familial duty and loyalty, they often view family as the cornerstone of their emotional world. This ingrained sense of responsibility guides their interactions, ensuring that family bonds are nurtured and preserved. It's a deeply embedded belief in the importance of family as a source of strength and support. These values translate into an emotional resilience rooted in familial connection. Boomers often turn to family during times of emotional upheaval, finding comfort in the shared experiences and understanding. The importance placed on family not only reinforces emotional bonds but also acts as a guiding compass in their decision-making. This enduring influence of family values is a testament to their commitment to emotional well-being and legacy. Boomers have mastered the art of distraction as a way to manage overwhelming emotions. They often engage in hobbies, physical activities, or volunteer work to redirect their focus and energy. This approach serves as a healthy coping mechanism, providing a temporary reprieve from emotional distress. By immersing themselves in activities that require concentration, they gain perspective and break the cycle of rumination. This method reflects their proactive stance on maintaining mental health and emotional balance. Boomers understand the value of stepping away, allowing for a reset before returning to face challenges with renewed clarity. Distraction, for them, is not about avoidance but about creating space for reflection and adjustment. It's a strategic pause that empowers them to return with a fresh mindset. Boomers often take a pragmatic approach to emotional expression, valuing practicality and logic in their interactions. This method involves assessing situations objectively, prioritizing reason over impulse. They strive to keep emotions in check, ensuring that their responses are well-considered and appropriate. This balanced approach reflects their preference for stability and rationality in emotional exchanges. While some might find this pragmatism detached, it's actually a means of maintaining clarity and perspective. Boomers believe in the power of addressing emotions constructively, avoiding unnecessary drama or escalation. They focus on finding solutions and compromises that satisfy all parties involved. This measured approach to emotional expression fosters open communication and mutual understanding. Humor serves as a potent tool for Boomers when navigating emotions, offering a lens to view situations with levity. They often use wit and humor to diffuse tense moments, creating a shared sense of relief and connection. This approach allows them to address serious topics with a light-hearted touch, fostering open dialogue without overwhelming intensity. Humor becomes a bridge, linking emotions with understanding and empathy. This use of humor reflects their resilience and adaptability in the face of emotional challenges. Boomers recognize that laughter can be a powerful antidote, alleviating stress and promoting camaraderie. By finding humor in life's complexities, they create a buffer that softens the impact of difficult emotions. It's a skill that transforms potential conflict into opportunities for connection and growth. For many Boomers, nature is a sanctuary that offers solace and rejuvenation in times of emotional turmoil. They often seek out natural settings, whether it's a walk in the park, a hike in the mountains, or a day at the beach, to find peace and clarity. This connection to nature provides a grounding presence, helping them to reset and recharge. Engaging with the natural world becomes a meditative practice that soothes the soul. This affinity for nature highlights their appreciation for simplicity and tranquility. Boomers value the quiet beauty of the outdoors as a counterbalance to the chaos of modern life. By immersing themselves in nature, they find a space where emotions can be processed organically and without judgment. It's a timeless refuge that nurtures their emotional well-being, offering a perspective that transcends the everyday hustle.

2 Signs That You ‘Under-Function' In Relationships, By A Psychologist
2 Signs That You ‘Under-Function' In Relationships, By A Psychologist

Forbes

timean hour ago

  • Forbes

2 Signs That You ‘Under-Function' In Relationships, By A Psychologist

Being the 'easygoing' one in love can feel safe. But if you're always deferring, avoiding or waiting ... More for them to lead, it's time to take a closer look. It's natural for a relationship to have days where one partner takes on more than the other. Relationships are not about keeping score or splitting everything evenly, but rather about showing up for each other in ways that feel balanced over time. While most people recognize when they're doing too much in a relationship, like taking on all the planning, emotional labor or decision-making, it can be harder to be honest with yourself when you're the one doing too little. This may not be very evident to you at first if it's become a habit, but it might be showing up in subtle ways in your relationship, such as you pulling back emotionally, waiting for your partner to lead or assuming they'll handle the hard parts. This dynamic is known as 'under-functioning.' It's a relational pattern where one person consistently avoids responsibility, emotional presence or initiative, often without realizing it. To build a healthy relationship, it's important to recognize such imbalances. This pattern can sneak up on you, especially when it comes from fear, burnout or not knowing where you fit into the dynamic. Know that it is possible to shift this dynamic once you acknowledge where you may be falling short without realizing it. Here are two signs you may be 'under-functioning' in your relationship. 1. You Rely On Your Partner For Emotional Regulation One common sign of under-functioning is emotional outsourcing. This might happen when you rely too much on your partner to manage, soothe or fix you in some way. You might find yourself waiting for them to make things feel okay when you're upset or expecting them to steer every difficult conversation. While it's easy to think that this pattern is about being 'too needy,' the truth is that it can often be rooted in deeper conditioning. It could be how you learned, over time, that your needs would only be met if someone else stepped in. Maybe you grew up in an environment where emotions weren't handled openly, or where someone else always took the lead. A 2024 study explored how emotional regulation difficulties might explain the link between insecure attachment styles and emotional dependence in romantic relationships. This study specifically examined whether that relationship is indirectly shaped by a person's ability (or inability) to regulate difficult emotions. To examine this, researchers analyzed data from over 700 young adults aged 18 to 30, comparing emotional regulation and dependence levels across three attachment styles: secure, preoccupied and dismissing. Researchers found that individuals with a dismissing attachment style, that is, those who tend to avoid closeness and suppress emotional expression, reported both higher emotional dependence on their partners and greater difficulty regulating emotions. This was especially true when it came to rejecting or avoiding negative emotional experiences. The study also confirmed that these difficulties with emotional regulation partly explain why dismissing attachment is linked to dependence. These findings suggest that what may appear as emotional detachment on the surface can mask an underlying emotional reliance on partners, which is driven by an inability to process uncomfortable feelings independently. The researchers recommend that interventions targeting emotional dependence should focus on helping individuals develop greater tolerance and management of negative emotions. If you recognize this pattern in yourself, the solution isn't to shame yourself or to toughen up emotionally, either. The real work lies in reclaiming your emotional space. This can easily start by building your capacity to sit with difficult feelings instead of outsourcing them. It may not seem easy at first, but you can start by naming what you feel and holding emotional discomfort without immediately needing your partner or anyone else to fix it. While you make this shift, it's important to keep in mind that you don't need to distance yourself from your partner to do this work. You can still let them support you and walk alongside you emotionally. The difference is that you must learn to hold space for yourself first so that their presence becomes an added layer of support and not your only lifeline. In doing so, you make the shift from needing your partner to carry your emotional weight to inviting them into a more balanced connection. This is not just healthy for the relationship, but will also feel liberating to you individually. 2. You Lose Your Sense Of Self In The Relationship Another telling sign of under-functioning in a relationship is when you lose your sense of self in the name of love. This may not even look like dysfunction on the surface. While it may seem like you're being 'low maintenance' or 'easygoing,' you may eventually feel like your voice, preferences and boundaries begin to blur or disappear altogether. Compromise is natural in love, but self-abandonment is not. Often, what looks like 'going with the flow' is really a quiet fear of disrupting the connection. This eventually creates an invisible imbalance in the relationship. When one partner consistently under-functions by silencing themselves, avoiding disagreement or waiting for the other to lead, it shifts the emotional weight of the relationship onto the other person. Without realizing it, the relationship can start to operate like a system of emotional over-functioning and under-functioning, where one person takes more responsibility for the emotional health of the relationship, while the other slowly disappears into passivity. A 2019 study published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, combining insights from Self-Determination Theory and Family Systems Theory, explored how two core human needs, autonomy (a sense of self-direction) and relatedness (a sense of closeness), interact in romantic relationships. Researchers conducted three studies involving over 800 participants. They examined how these needs influenced how people responded to their partner's negative behavior, particularly whether they reacted constructively (with calm communication and accountability) or destructively (by shutting down or lashing out). Researchers found that feeling close to a partner led to healthier conflict responses but only when participants also felt autonomous. In other words, people who maintained a strong sense of self were more likely to communicate openly, take responsibility and stay emotionally regulated, even when things got tense. On the contrary, those who felt close but lacked autonomy were more reactive, defensive or emotionally dependent. These findings highlight that when you lose your sense of self in a relationship, you may appear agreeable, but you're more likely to struggle with emotional balance. This affects both you and your partner. So, if you find yourself constantly agreeing, holding back or deferring, it's worth pausing and gently checking in with yourself. Again, the idea is not to blame yourself but rather to come to understand where you stopped showing up fully in your relationship. Naturally, this change will not occur overnight. It does not mean you have to suddenly become louder or more assertive. Let it begin gradually with small acts of self-acknowledgment, in moments where you choose to stay connected to your thoughts, feelings or needs, even when it feels easier to let them slide. It might look like voicing a small opinion when you usually stay silent. Or noticing where you've started to mold yourself around someone else's comfort instead of honoring your own. Constantly remind yourself that true closeness isn't about erasing yourself to stay connected. It's about bringing your whole self into the relationship, including all the messy feelings, deeper needs and unfiltered thoughts. That's the version of you your relationship needs, and that's where intimacy deepens. Under-functioning doesn't always appear as clear red flags or dramatic breakdowns. It usually hides in emotional habits you quietly pick up over time, without realizing it. Taking responsibility for these patterns starts with becoming aware of where you may be emotionally shrinking, avoiding or leaning too heavily. Love thrives when both partners show up as themselves, whole and engaged. A truly healthy relationship is when two people are willing to meet themselves fully and then meet each other from that place. Could you be under-functioning without realizing it? Take this science-backed test to find out if you're authentically showing up in your relationship: Authenticity In Relationships Scale

Research: When It's Time to Leave a Career You're Passionate About
Research: When It's Time to Leave a Career You're Passionate About

Harvard Business Review

timean hour ago

  • Harvard Business Review

Research: When It's Time to Leave a Career You're Passionate About

From commencement speeches to career advice columns, the call to 'follow your passion' is all around us. The advice, increasingly doled out and internalized, is clear: Find work you love, and pursue it relentlessly. But a wealth of research shows that we don't often get it right on the first try. Pursuing a passion can leave you burned out or misaligned with who you've become. Consider Elizabeth Rowe, a world-leading flutist in the Boston Symphony Orchestra, who decided at age 50 that she wanted to pursue a different passion. To fully dedicate herself to something new, she felt that she had to quit music—something she has pursued since she was a child. But this felt antithetical to everything she's always been told: to persevere and keep going no matter how tough things got. Rowe struggled for years before finally pulling the plug, and is now (belatedly) thriving in her second career as a leadership coach. So, why is it so difficult for people to give up on something that they are—or were—passionate about? In our newly published research, we reveal one key barrier: worrying about being judged for walking away from a pursuit of passion. Whether it's a teacher reconsidering the classroom or a nurse thinking about leaving medicine, people worry that others will see them as immoral and incompetent for quitting their passion. As the author and former journalist Simone Stolzoff noted in an interview, 'I felt guilty. I felt that I was abandoning a calling. … Will my colleagues and my coworkers ever forgive me?' But here's the twist: these fears are often misplaced. The Research In one study, we asked full-time employees who were passionate about their work to imagine giving up on it. We then asked them to predict how others would judge their moral character and competence for making that choice. In a separate sample of participants, we asked third-party observers to evaluate these same professionals for giving up on their passion. The difference was striking: Passion pursuers expected to be judged far more harshly than they were actually judged for giving up on their current passion. We found this effect was unique to giving up on a passion. Specifically, when people were asked about giving up on work they were less passionate about (something akin to a job that is pursued to pay the bills), their expected judgments were well-calibrated with how others actually judged them for giving up. Why the disconnect? We found that passion pursuers ruminated on all of the reasons why stepping away from their first passion signified that they were a failure. In contrast, observers—unburdened by the emotional weight of the decision—had a different view: They were more likely to view giving up as an opportunity to reengage with something better aligned with the passion pursuer. Said differently, the passion pursuers viewed giving up as 'the end of the line,' while third-party observers viewed it as 'a stop along the way,' a necessary yet courageous step to continue pursuing what matters over the course of one's career. Crucially, we found that these anticipated negative judgments didn't just affect people's internal narratives—they also shaped how they intended to behave. In a study with PhD students highly passionate for their studies, we found that the more they feared being judged for giving up on their PhD, the less likely they intended to speak up about exploitative or unjust conditions in their programs. Speaking up about such conditions suggests dissatisfaction with one's pursuit of passion, which may have led students to worry that speaking up could be interpreted as walking away from their current passion. This pattern is not unique to academia: we observed similar dynamics among samples of teachers and nurses. In another study, we found a way to reduce this fear of judgement. We recruited teachers who are—or once were—passionate about their work, and had thought about giving up on teaching in the past 12 months. We told half of them that people overestimate how harshly observers will view them for giving up on their passion for work. After providing this information, we measured their behavioral intentions 14 days later and found that they intended to engage in more actions related to giving up than the control group, such as creating a plan to quit and finding a resume coach. Thus, equipping people with the knowledge that their social concerns for giving up are misplaced may help people make the jump to pursue their next passion. The Takeaways People flourish when they see their careers as evolving journeys rather than fixed destinations, and yet so much of the discourse around passion pursuit focuses on ceaseless perseverance. We suggest reframing the discourse to emphasize that passion pursuit can have many stops along the way. Some pursuits of passion become less tenable over time as life circumstances change. Similarly, what one is passionate about today may change in the future. Both may require a pivot, and this should be seen less as giving up on a passion and more as a stop along the way of pursuing one's next venture. If you're someone pursuing your passion and thinking about quitting, ask yourself: Are you staying because you want to—or because you're afraid of what others will think? It's easy to assume that walking away signals weakness. But our research shows the opposite: people view those who give up on a passion far more positively than predicted. Giving up on a passion can be really difficult. After all, the time and effort invested is hard to part from. But it isn't necessarily giving up on yourself. It may be the first step toward something more aligned with who you are.

DOWNLOAD THE APP

Get Started Now: Download the App

Ready to dive into a world of global content with local flavor? Download Daily8 app today from your preferred app store and start exploring.
app-storeplay-store