Adults Say These Generational Parenting Norms Have Been the Hardest To Break

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2 days ago

No matter how much you swore you'd never do it, an emotional moment with your child can bring some all too familiar words out of you: "Because I said so!' and, 'Don't make me come back there!'
Using phrases like these with your kids can bring back some not so nice memories from your own childhood and send you down a shame spiral. Despite our efforts, it's hard to break some generational parenting norms.
'If you ever found yourself scolding your children with the same words and phrases as your parents used with you, you are not alone,' explains Tawnie Putignano, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker with Thriveworks. 'Love it or hate it, the way our parents raised us will show up in the ways we raise our own children.'
Understanding generational norms in parenting is crucial, which is why Putignano and other mental health experts believe calling out some of the most damaging ones is important.
'What's one 'normal' parenting rule you secretly think is emotionally damaging AF?' asked a user in a since-deleted post on AskReddit.
The commenters didn't hold back:
'Constant teasing. My dad and brother were horrible for it—not mean necessarily, but just constant. I think that's why I try not to show emotion about anything,' writes one commenter.
'Using anything a parent has done for you against you. My kids didn't ask to be here, I'm not going to throw in their face constantly 'what I gave up,'— makes a kid feel pretty crappy,' replies someone else.
Another Redditor adds, 'Please don't insult or compare your kids with others—not all are the same, and this hurts more in the long run."
'Not letting them do messy activities or shouting because their clothes got dirty...why go to a beach with a kid then shout if they get sand in their shoes?' says another.
'Breaking generational patterns is difficult because these behaviors are often hardwired into us during our most formative years,' explains Zishan Khan, MD, child and adolescent psychiatrist with Mindpath Health. 'Many parents default to what feels familiar, especially in moments of stress or exhaustion...even when parents intellectually know something isn't right, their emotional muscle memory can take over.'
Dr. Khan notes that true change requires not just awareness, but intentional healing. Without intentionality, parents may slip into the defense mechanism, 'My parents did this and I turned out fine.'
'Breaking the norm requires vulnerability,' agrees Christina McWalter Granahan, LICSW, PCC. 'It requires a parent to say, 'I want something different for my child than I got.' In order for someone to say that, they have to acknowledge that their own parents were, purposely or not, hurtful to them. This is really difficult life material and almost always calls for professional help.'
Now, to be clear, not all parenting norms are harmful. For instance, Putignano says there's nothing wrong with expecting a teen to clean their room, just as your parents expected of you.
However, Putignano believes using phrases like, 'I brought you into this world and I can take you out of it' can be 'scary, abusive, and bullying when interpreted through a child's eyes.' She adds phrases like 'children should be seen and not heard' discourage communication and hinder their authentic personalities from shining through, which can have long-term effects on self-esteem and emotional health.
'Children are very attuned to their caregivers,' says Emily Guarnotta, PsyD, PMH-C, psychologist and co-founder of Phoenix Health. 'If a parent expresses frustration or blames their child for their own stress, children may internalize the belief that they are a burden."
Importantly, Dr. Guarnotta adds that these children may grow to use similar tactics with their own kids, continuing the cycle.
"Kids don't need perfect parents, but they do need parents who are emotionally aware and willing to repair the relationship when they make a mistake.'
Mental health experts share tips to help you become a cycle breaker:
While sweet matching holiday outfits are cute if everyone is on board, Granahan stresses that kids aren't mini versions of their parents (or mini-adults, period).
'Just like you aren't a duplicate of your parents, your children aren't a duplicate of you,' Granahan says. 'They were born with their own personality, gifts, and sensitivities. Learn who they are. Be curious about them. Allow them to find out who they are before you assign them an identity based on your own experience.'
'When you feel triggered by your child, take a moment to notice what is coming up before you react,' Dr. Guarnotta suggests. 'Ask yourself questions like, 'Am I repeating something that I heard or saw growing up?''
Dr. Guarnotta points out that introducing a pause lets you choose your response rather than defaulting to the familiar.
If you blew past the pause, you can still reflect on initial reactions and any data they reveal.
'After a tough moment with your child, ask yourself, 'What did I feel just now? Where might that reaction come from?'' Dr. Khan says. 'This builds awareness of old patterns and gives you the power to choose differently next time.'
Dr. Guarnotta recommends getting curious about triggers. For instance, perhaps you feel triggered when a child leaves a mess or cries. Maybe you're unsure if your reactions are bigger than the moment warrants.
'Often, our biggest triggers are tied to early childhood wounds,' Dr. Guarnotta says. 'Understanding your own triggers helps you respond more intentionally to your children.'
Modern strategies, such as gentle parenting, have gained a reputation for being overly permissive. However, that's not always the case, and Dr. Guarnotta encourages parents to reframe 'soft' parenting as 'strong' parenting.
'Gentle parenting often gets a bad wrap, but the truth is that empathy, boundaries, and emotional validation are not signs of weakness,' Dr. Guarnotta says. 'They require patience, self-awareness, and coping skills. Shifting the way that you think about parenting can help you stay focused when others question your approach or your inner critic kicks in.'
'All parents lose their temper at times—but what matters most is what happens afterward," Dr. Khan says. 'Repair teaches children that relationships can survive conflict and that their feelings matter.'
Dr. Khan suggests apologizing sincerely, naming your emotions, and validating your child's feelings. Example: 'I was frustrated earlier and I yelled. That wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry. Your feelings are important to me.'
The village isn't some utopian ideal. The village is vital.
'Parenting without support or community is not only challenging, but also lonely,' Dr. Guarnotta says. 'Breaking generational cycles takes courage, and connecting with other parents can help provide a supportive space for you as you navigate this territory.'
Therapy, grown-up and me classes, and parenting groups can help you bond with other parents in your current season, which Dr. Guarnotta says can 'help you feel less alone and more empowered.'
Read the original article on Parents