When it's not love at first sight for a new mum
These are the reassuring words of Dr Joanna Parga-Belinkie, an associate professor of paediatrics, neonatologist, and mother of Mira, seven, Simon, five, and Zelda, one.
Parga-Belinkie wants parents to know that it is not a red flag, nor does it signify that you are 'a bad parent', if you do not feel a rush of love when you first see your new infant.
'When I was pregnant with my first baby, I wasn't sure I had made the right decision,' says Parga-Belinkie, author of The Baby Bonding Book: Connecting with Your Newborn.
'I was sick, tired, and grappling with not feeling like myself. How did I want this so badly, yet was handling the whole pregnancy process so poorly? I didn't love every minute of being pregnant, and I knew I wouldn't love every minute of being a new mom.'
Despite her early ambivalence, Parga-Belinkie knew she wanted her love for her baby 'to grow to become deeply powerful and expansive. I let my dream of that kind of love help me get through the hard parts of achieving it.'
As a clinical neo-natologist at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania, Parga-Belinkie sees lots of parents putting huge emphasis on the birth moment.
'But it's important to reframe away from the moment of birth, which can be really joyous, or it can be one where things didn't go to plan.'
'We need to refocus on 'who is this person I delivered?' and on building a relationship with them. Think of our most significant relationships — they're usually grown over time; love grows stronger. So, it's about establishing that connection, and love can grow. Because, really, what you're building with your baby is a lifetime of love,' she says.
Bond later
Dr Freda Wynne, senior clinical psychologist with the specialist perinatal mental health team at Cork University Maternity Hospial (CUMH) agrees that society leads us to believe we will instantly feel love, warmth, and connection when we first meet our babies.
'Parents hear a lot about the golden hour, that hour after birth, which is a sensitive time for bonding. But we know from research, mostly UK-based, that immediate bonding doesn't happen for up to 30% of women.'
Wynne says parents can feel real pressure if they think they have missed that 'golden hour' opportunity and that it will be hard to get it back. The reality is different. 'There are lots of opportunities to bond. It's more helpful to think of bonding as a process that can unfold over time.'
Guilt and shame often arise for parents who don't experience that instantaneous bonding. 'They expected it immediately. When it isn't there, they think there's something wrong with them, or with their relationship with their baby.'
Lots can get in the way of immediately feeling the love, Wynne explains: 'If you've had a difficult birth experience or been separated from your baby, who's had to go to NICU, you can be in a very stressed state. You might be stressed about being in hospital, or maybe you were under a lot of pressure to finish up work before the birth, so you went in to it stressed. The transition to parenthood is a process of huge change and adjustment. Trying to balance so much can be stressful.'
All these factors could mean the conditions within us are not there for bonding straightaway. 'Feeling anxious or depressed isn't conducive to bonding.'
Parga-Belinkie has seen parents 'beat themselves up' for not bonding immediately with their infant. 'It can be comforting to know you don't have to know everything right away, that you're building a relationship.'
She urges parents to give themselves 'permission to be intentional about connecting with their child'.
There are many ways to cultivate love, she says, citing some of her favourites:
Skin-to-skin contact: 'Let baby feel your heart rate, your breathing. It can calm and comfort both of you. Babies are really good at skin-to-skin in the first couple of weeks — they sleep up to 16 hours, so they like that closeness when they sleep. And they're not as distracted by the world around them, because their senses are still developing.
'Let baby feel your heart rate, your breathing. It can calm and comfort both of you. Babies are really good at skin-to-skin in the first couple of weeks — they sleep up to 16 hours, so they like that closeness when they sleep. And they're not as distracted by the world around them, because their senses are still developing. Observe your baby: Actively listen. Watch how they react to light, to temperature changes. And really listen to their cry — lots of parents get very emotional when their babies cry. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong, just they don't like the temperature change, or they've a dirty nappy, or they're hungry. If you really pay attention, you can decipher their cries and respond to them. And if you aren't getting why your baby's crying, you're still letting them know you are there for them.
Actively listen. Watch how they react to light, to temperature changes. And really listen to their cry — lots of parents get very emotional when their babies cry. It doesn't mean you've done something wrong, just they don't like the temperature change, or they've a dirty nappy, or they're hungry. If you really pay attention, you can decipher their cries and respond to them. And if you aren't getting why your baby's crying, you're still letting them know you are there for them. Serve-and-return: Like a tennis match with your baby, when they vocalise, you say the same thing back to them. It might seem silly, because you're not using words, but baby knows, 'Hey, somebody's listening to me, they're trying to interact with me'. Serve-and-return is a really powerful reciprocal language. And by interacting with them and trying to get to know them, you're helping build their brain — at this stage, babies are establishing neuronal networks. Their brains are growing at incredible speed.'
Like a tennis match with your baby, when they vocalise, you say the same thing back to them. It might seem silly, because you're not using words, but baby knows, 'Hey, somebody's listening to me, they're trying to interact with me'. Serve-and-return is a really powerful reciprocal language. And by interacting with them and trying to get to know them, you're helping build their brain — at this stage, babies are establishing neuronal networks. Their brains are growing at incredible speed.'
Play: Not only is it fun, it really makes connections with your baby, bolsters their brain. As parent, you're your baby's favourite toy. Watching you, responding to you — that's what's going to be most stimulating for baby and help most in their development.'
Feelings will come
Wynne agrees that what is important in establishing a loving relationship with your baby is the intention to connect, the motivation and drive to form a bond.
'If we have the orientation to care for our baby, if we want to connect with them, and we're engaging in opportunities to do so, the feelings often follow.'
Opportunities to connect are many and daily, she says.
'Tasks like feeding, bathing, nappy-changing, that moment after changing the nappy where I'm making eye contact, playing with baby — I'm present and curious about what my baby is doing. All this helps build our emotional connection, or even sparks off the bond. The baby's cues, their crying, might biologically prompt the feelings.'
Wynne says it's not unusual for new mums to feel overwhelmed, disconnected, or unsure about their bond with their baby in the early days. 'If, after six to eight weeks, you're concerned about your bond developing, it's a good idea to reach out for support.'
Dr Joanna Parga-Belinkie
Parga-Belinkie says mother and baby have different needs and it can be challenging to meet both sets.
'Mum's body has changed, her hormones, her responsibilities. Parenting a newborn is very demanding. It requires a lot o vigilance. It's a 24-hour, exhausting job. The baby, on the other hand, has a very different sleep schedule from the mother. They're experiencing everything for the first time — everything's new to them and stimulating.'
Parenting a baby is a team sport, she says. 'Safe, nurturing relationships are key to the baby's stable brain growth, but also to support the parents. There should be other trusted, loving caregivers around for both baby and parents.'
She sees fathers as having a crucial role in caring for the birthing parent.
'They can often feel a little left out. They didn't give birth, and if mum's breastfeeding, then they're not the ones feeding the baby. They can feel the odd man out. What's really helpful is if they can take over the household tasks, the mental load of caring for other children. This can really enhance the birthing parent's bond with the baby.'
Wynne says bonding is designed to give us positive feelings, so we get the reward of feeling connected with our baby. 'If those feelings aren't there, the care demands can feel a bit more effortful.'
But what is most important, she says, is orientating ourselves in the direction of our baby and letting those warm feelings come.
Parga-Belinkie agrees: 'In being attentive, interested, and responsive, a parent will go a long way in connecting with their child.'
The Baby Bonding Book: Connecting with Your Newborn (American Academy of Pediatrics).
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Minister of State for Mental Health Mary Butler says no patients have been treated abroad this year so far for specialist eating-disorder care. Photograph: Brian Lawless/PA Wire At least 20 new specialist beds will be established in the coming years, under proposals submitted by the HSE for Ms Butler's approval. The beds will be spread between Dublin and the rest of the country, but all of them will have a national catchment area. For some people, recovery feels impossible. Aoife, which is not her real name, developed eating disorder behaviours when she was 12, after she sought to lose weight for her Confirmation. 'My family weren't very nice about my body. But also society. You'd be in drama class and I was the biggest so I would have to try on the costume and if it didn't fit me then nobody would get it. Then there were things like the Special K diet, or Kate Moss's saying about skinny being better,' she says. The 32-year-old Cork woman says she was diagnosed with anorexia at the age of 15, and went into hospital when she was 16, which she describes as 'the worst point in my life ever'. 'I couldn't control anything. I had a tube in my nose, I wasn't allowed to walk anywhere. I basically just lay in bed. I soiled myself because it would expend too much energy to go to the bathroom. It was only about weight restoration, not about treating the eating disorder,' she says. She struggled through college but was determined to continue her studies. I've been told I'll never recover. I have chronic anorexia. So you ask yourself, what's the point in trying? — 'Aoife' After graduating as a teacher, she realised she needed to get better before she could work full-time. In 2016, she returned to inpatient care. She improved somewhat, she says, but was not in recovery. She was admitted again two years ago, but had to leave early due to panic attacks. For her, she says, a history of trauma is playing a role in her current condition: her sister died when she was very young. 'I overate when she died; that was soothing myself. My life felt out of control, I didn't know who would die next. Food was something I could control,' she says. But it is 20 years since the onset of those challenges. These days, she feels quite hopeless about her current trajectory. 'I've been told I'll never recover. I have chronic anorexia. So you ask yourself, what's the point in trying? Normal eating is no longer normal for me. This has become my normal and it's very hard to see outside of it,' she says. [ Eating disorders in later life: Some of my peers have had teenage weight levels for decades Opens in new window ] 'It's pointless to be here every day. I keep wondering, how did things come to this? I'd love for someone to tell me what to do because I just don't know where to go or what to do. I look inward wondering what I could do differently. What did I do to deserve this?' Trying to find somewhere to go is something many patients experience. Alicia Woods, clinical nurse specialist at Lois Bridges, says the centre is a private facility, but they receive 'phone calls everyday of the week from people who don't have private health insurance'. 'We treat a range of eating disorders. And in terms of age, we've treated from 18 up to people in their early 70s,' she says. 'The majority of older people with eating disorders have had it their whole life but they just haven't had the information, education or support to seek help. Some people do develop it later in life.' Though Woods says the reasons why individuals develop eating disorders are complex and nuanced, she believes social media is playing a role. 'Body positivity was such a thing, but now we've gone back almost 20 years. The videos on social media, encouraging people to obsessively run 5K a day, or the 'what I eat in a day' videos [and the food quantity] is not enough to feed a toddler,' she says. She is also concerned about the potential impact the widespread availability of weight loss jabs like Ozempic might have on vulnerable individuals. 'We know that people can put in fake weights and get these prescriptions. If someone already has a low [body mass index] ... the potential of that is frightening,' she adds. But even when people can access treatment, often recovery is not linear, according to 38-year-old Edel Higgins. She was diagnosed with an eating disorder when she was around 25. She didn't know much about such disorders at the time, but says she had 'always tried to change my physical appearance'. [ Families: the untapped superpower in eating disorder recovery Opens in new window ] It took four inpatient stays before she reached a point where she sees herself as being in recovery. She says: 'It doesn't just take one go. People often feel guilty when they have to go back. But it's such a complex illness.' The Tallaght woman is four years in 'proper recovery', but she says for her that doesn't mean the eating disorder is 'completely gone', but just now she has the 'resilience' to acknowledge and challenge those urges when they arise. She writes poetry to help her cope. She looks at inspirational quotes hung up on her wall. 'Sometimes I wish I could wake up, go about the day, not having all of these overwhelming feelings – the eating disorder and mental health [difficulties]. But it doesn't work that way. It can be frustrating. But it's about findings ways to deal with it.' Bodywhys (The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland) – – (01) 210 7906 – alex@
