Colman Noctor: Parenting is hard, and even harder with mental illness

Irish Examiner

22-04-2025

Most of us can relate to the difficulty of getting school uniforms ready, managing our children's squabbles, and preparing dinner while battling a heavy cold. Now, imagine doing that and with a mental health condition.
The challenges are multiplied and compounded by shame, stigma, and a lack of support. It's an unseen issue in households across Ireland.
The department of psychology at Mary Immaculate College (MIC) last week launched findings from its research on parents who have mental health challenges. More than 200 parents who had, or were having, mental health challenges completed the anonymous online survey, which aimed to identify the difficulties they face, the supports available and barriers to seeking help.
Some 83% of the participants said their parenting challenges were sometimes or always more difficult because of their mental health issues, 66% had more than one mental health challenge (anxiety and depression, for example), and 67% had taken medication for their mental health issues. Significantly, 46% did not know where to access parenting supports.
According to the World Health Organisation, about one in eight people globally live with a mental health disorder, with depression and anxiety being the most common. Though most of this cohort will likely have children, the intersection of parenting and mental health remains poorly understood, under-supported, and rarely discussed.
Parenting is demanding under any circumstances, but mental illness adds a unique and often overwhelming burden. Depression, for instance, can rob a parent of the energy required to care for their children. Anxiety may fuel irrational fears about their child's safety. And bipolar affective disorder or schizophrenia can make consistent parenting difficult, depending on the severity and impact of treatment.
Shame and guilt
Joanne Nicholson, professor at the Institute for Behavioural Health at Brandeis University in the US, notes that many parents struggle with guilt, shame, and fear that their illness will harm their children. In some cases, these fears are intensified by external factors, such as the threat of judgment by others.
This isolation was also evident in the MIC study. Commenting on the findings, professor Niamh Stack, head of the department of psychology, noted: 'We know that many parents experience mental health challenges, but these findings show that a lot of parents feel alone and unsupported in the difficulties they face.
"Parents who completed the survey expressed a sense of stigma and fear they feel around sharing their mental health challenges.'
Previous Irish research suggests that 23% of families have at least one parent who has experienced a mental health disorder (Mulligan et al., 2021), with adults in Ireland having among the highest incidences of mental health illness across Europe.
Contributing to the shame is how society increasingly idealises parenthood, often equating good parenting with unshakable emotional stability.
These unrealistic standards leave little room for vulnerability or imperfection. Usually, the most vulnerable parents feel that they are not good enough or are failing.
Feelings of inadequacy are often heightened during the newborn period, where images are shared by others of a seemingly blissful period, which can be deeply upsetting to those who are struggling postpartum.
The cultural expectation that parents must always be strong and selfless can lead to a dangerous silence.
When parents in difficulty reach out, they often find that support systems are not well-equipped to address the dual needs of care-giving and recovery.
Feelings of isolation
Despite these challenges, many parents with mental health conditions raise well-adjusted, resilient children. The key lies in managing one's illness proactively and building a strong support network.
Routine provides predictability and comfort to children and can help parents manage their symptoms. For example, setting regular wake-up, meal, and bedtime routines can reduce chaos and create a sense of control. These rituals don't have to be rigid — what matters is consistency.
A 2014 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that children in homes with regular routines had better emotional regulation and fewer behavioural issues, regardless of their parents' mental health status.
Another challenge is the sense of isolation many parents feel.
The housing market is forcing people to live further away from their family of origin, and the mass individualisation of society over the last decade has resulted in many children no longer being raised in close-knit communities.
When I was growing up, we constantly had visitors arriving at our home. Now, calling unannounced at someone's home seems unacceptable. This culture shift has had profound ramifications, undermining our connectedness and support, and resulting in significant detrimental effects on our collective wellbeing.
No parent should parent alone, especially someone trying to manage significant mental health challenges. Support can come from many sources, including partners, extended family, friends, support groups, and community organisations. However, communities need to make a greater effort to put these supports in place and make them not only accessible, but also acceptable.
Peer support groups can be lifelines to people who are trying to parent children and manage a mental illness on their own.
In the absence of informal community support, we may need to offer specially designed community programmes for parents with mental health concerns.
It can be tempting to shield children from your struggles, but age-appropriate transparency often strengthens resilience and understanding. For young children, a simple explanation, like, 'Sometimes Mam feels very tired or sad, but she's getting help to feel better' can suffice. Older children may benefit from more detailed conversations, especially if they're witnessing symptoms firsthand.
I have treated children who interpreted their parents' mental health struggles as a representation of their lack of love for them. This is the worst outcome and needs to be avoided at all costs. Open communication demystifies mental illness and helps prevent children from blaming themselves for a parent's struggles.
Children do not need perfect parents: They need present ones. Accept that there will be hard days. On those days, doing the bare minimum is enough. Feed them, make them feel safe, and let go of the rest.
Dr Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, emphasises that practising self-kindness in moments of failure or struggle is essential for emotional resilience — a self-compassionate parent models emotional regulation and self-care for their children.
Parent-friendly therapy
While individual coping strategies are essential, systemic change is equally important. Mental health care must become more accessible and parent-friendly. Policies should support flexible therapy schedules, affordable childcare, and paid leave for mental health recovery.
Schools, too, can play a crucial role by supporting children with parents who are struggling. Teachers and guidance counsellors must be resourced to recognise the signs and offer resources without judegment.
Above all, we need a cultural shift. We must normalise the experience of parenting with mental health challenges. Vulnerability should be met with empathy, not condemnation.
Seeking help is not a weakness; it's a form of self-care and, by extension, a sign of good parenting. We need to reach a point where parents can seek professional help without guilt. Therapy and, when appropriate, medication can be vital tools in maintaining mental wellness. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) are particularly effective for managing mood disorders and emotional regulation. Psychiatrists can also help determine if medication is a safe and necessary part of treatment.
Parenting with a mental health condition is undeniably challenging, but there is no value in being fatalistic.
Many parents with mental health issues are raising thoughtful, empathetic, and emotionally intelligent children.
With adequate support and effective treatment, it's possible to navigate the highs and lows of parenthood, while managing one's mental health.
To all the parents silently battling psychological and emotional challenges while packing lunches, reading bedtime stories, and kissing scraped knees: Your efforts are not invisible. Your struggle does not make you weak.
And your love, even on the hardest days, is enough.
Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist