My Relationship With Medication
Refusal
I wouldn't take medication when I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I didn't think I had a mental health disorder, so I simply refused to be treated for one. Unfortunately, this led to a significant decline in my functioning.
Frustration
Eventually, I very reluctantly agreed to take medication. I was put on a long-acting injectable (LAI). Serious side effects sent me to the emergency room. I had to wait for the drug to leave my system. I felt frustrated and helpless.
I later saw a new outpatient psychiatrist. He suggested the same class of medication as the LAI, an antipsychotic, but in the form of a daily pill.
I told him I didn't want to take it because I was worried about side effects. But he insisted the side effects wouldn't be as severe. Despite his reassurance, I didn't feel comfortable. I threw the pills in the garbage, but I didn't tell him that.
It wasn't too long before I had a hypomanic episode. Recognizing the symptoms, I admitted to my psychiatrist that I hadn't been taking the medication he'd prescribed. He recommended starting immediately. Otherwise, I was headed for a manic episode and most likely hospitalization. I didn't want that to happen, so I took the medication. I had side effects, but I continued, driven by the fear of another manic episode and ending up in the hospital.
Despite taking the medications exactly as prescribed, I eventually had another manic episode and was admitted to the hospital. Doctors there changed my treatment plan because of the side effects and the fact that the meds didn't seem to be working.
That's when I started lithium. I had clients on this medication when I was a therapist, so I knew that it was an old-school medication reserved for more serious cases. But I felt pretty resigned, so I agreed to take it.
Lithium requires close monitoring due to the potential for toxicity and serious side effects. As time went on, I became quite concerned about this and stopped taking it against my new psychiatrist's advice. I quickly ended up back in the hospital. Now? I take all my medications reliably.
Acceptance
My journey with medication has been deeply emotional, marked by anxiety and refusal. But over time, I've learned that medications are necessary for stability for me. I'm still concerned about the long-term effects of lithium. But I've been stable on it and an antipsychotic for some time. My blood is tested regularly to ensure lithium isn't at toxic levels or damaging my organs. I'm anxious about the results each time I get lab work done. Fortunately, I haven't had any issues. I hope to continue taking it for as long as I can.
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