Auld Lehane's is looking forward to the wedding of the year in Venice
The shirt is ironed. The shoes are well polished.
I'm ready for the wedding of the year. All I really need now is the invitation.
Jeff Bezos will be getting married shortly, and I doubt if he will go through with it without inviting Auld Lehane.
As you all know by now, I'm usually in the thick of the action, so Jeff would be insane to leave me out.
The church, I suspect, will be mobbed with the high and the mighty. People from the world of stage, screen, politics, and farming too, of course.
To say I wouldn't be invited would be a notion much too hard for me to contemplate.
I'll be there alright, blowing my nose with emotion and dancing at the disco, just as sure as there is a God up in heaven and milk comes from the pap of a cow.
The wedding, by all accounts, will take place in Venice and between you and me, I don't know how I will get there.
But make no mistake, even if I have to ride a bucking mule halfway across open country, I'll be there.
There is nothing to keep me away. Nothing to keep me here.
Right now, on this farm, the cattle are in the ideal location to look after themselves. They have enough grass for a month and enough water to float a gondola.
My work here is done. I can happily forget about the bullocks and turn my attention to bottles of bubbly, Venice, and the wedding of the year.
I have never been to Venice in the summer before, nor in the winter, either, for that matter. But I believe it is a wonderful place. A place full of boats and all sorts to get you around.
Jeff Bezos and his fiancee Lauren Sanchez: I'm open to correction, but did Jeff Bezos ever drive a blue Hiace, back in the day? Picture: Jordan Strauss/Invision/AP
And while I'm a man more accustomed to dry land, I'll be fine altogether on water and will pack a pair of heavy-duty waders just in case we spring a leak.
Believe it or not, I may have known Jeff for many years. I have a feeling I could have met him once back in Ballabuidhe, or someplace, before he became a billionaire.
I could be wrong, but I think we purchased a pony from him, or someone very like him.
Again, I'm open to correction, but did Jeff Bezos ever drive a blue Hiace, back in the day?
Anyhow, regardless of my hazy memory, he sure has come along way, from having a couple of old cardboard boxes in the attic, to blasting rockets into space and God knows where. Fair play to him. I'm all for success.
He has a great name now for space travel, and so I'm hoping, along with the invite, there might be a plane ticket thrown in for good measure.
For while I have no problem in hiring a suit, I would be under pressure to come up with the funds for the flight.
And to make matters all the more expensive for me, I have only recently purchased a top-of-the-range toaster, by way of a wedding gift.
I know Jeff probably has a toaster already, but this one enables the user to toast only one slice at a time, thus reducing your carbon footprint and generally saving the planet from exploding.
And I know Jeff, like every other high flyer, is all for the environment, so 'tis the ideal gift, really, given the current climate.
Anyhow, I'll sign off now and give that old toaster a test run before packing it safely into my suitcase alongside my trunks.
Needless to say, Auld Lehane is looking forward to his trip to Venice and to finally rubbing shoulders with the high and mighty.
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