Surfing dogs, fighting robots, racing dinosaurs: Ranking 15 sports to watch on ‘ESPN8: The Ocho'

New York Times

3 days ago

The Excel sheets will be booted up. The stairs will get sufficiently slippery. Cotton McKnight and Pepper Brooks will take the call. Our refrain of 'wait … this is a sport?' will see unprecedented usage across the next few days.
'ESPN8: The Ocho' becomes a reality this weekend, from July 31 through Aug. 3. Various ESPN networks are broadcasting humanity's strangest, most surreal organized competitions. Though it started as a throwaway joke in the 2004 comedy 'Dodgeball,' this D-list sports programming block is now a marathon of decidedly real events. Are they worth tuning in for? I personally wouldn't advise anyone of sound mind to watch all 65 hours of goat racing, stone tossing and roofballing … lest you wind up looking like a patient of The Ludovico Technique.
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That being said, there are oddities and hidden gems worth checking out, whether to get a good laugh or find a new favorite novelty. These are my personal rankings for 'The Ocho' slate, determined by the ultra-scientific method of what sounds the coolest. For the readers who disagree with the picks, well, 'I don't think I'm a lot dumber than you thought that I think that I thought that I was once.'
Readers of The Athletic can stream live sports, no matter how niche, on Fubo ($20 off). All of 'The Ocho' programming is also available with an ESPN+ subscription.
Midnight ET, Friday on ESPN2
Here's my Don Draper-style pitch for this thing: dogs on surfboards. Boom, that's it. By your thunderous applause, it seems that I've landed it, though the offering totally sells itself. This annual event goes down at California's Linda Mar Beach, a scenic enclave by the Pacific Ocean, and it supports the local humane society and dog rescue mission. There are different weight classes, fetch contests and a tandem heat with the owners. Last year's overall winner was Cacau, a valiant chocolate Labrador; your correspondent here is especially partial to the fearless Delilah, a Cavalier King Charles who tied for first among small dogs in 2023. It's in the ideal time slot for decompressing after a loud night out, or drifting into sleep after a long workweek.
11 p.m. ET, Thursday on ESPN2
Just watch below. It's majestic, undeniable and cosmically assuring:
7 a.m. ET, Saturday on ESPN2
No need to tiptoe around it: We all thought this was going to be a sci-fi battlefield thing. While the event runs sans-'Blade Runner,' with nary a single replicant in sight, this robo-combat is still charming in its ingenuity and inclusivity. The NHRL houses engineers, students and hobbyists together. They design robots with inventive attacks and defenses, then unleash their creations in the ring. This league is about learning from mistakes and embracing scientific experimentation. Good vibes abound — along with fire and broken glass.
2:30 a.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
Is this what Jeff Winger and Troy Barnes were doing at Greendale? Again, don't overthink this one. People bounce and fly toward the stratosphere, and it's awesome. There are three divisions (men, women and junior). It's got a wonky time slot on 'The Ocho,' and you'd be forgiven for taping this.
9:30 a.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
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Ice Cube never imagined the heights we'd reach. This year marks the 100th anniversary of the Goodyear Blimp (time flies when you're having blimps), and the company is celebrating its centennial with a massive airship race over Akron, Ohio.
7 p.m. ET, Thursday on ESPN2
Like organized robot fighting, flugtag is a competition of scientific design. Something between a miniature Evel Knievel festival and the world's coolest paper airplane contest, flugtag features handmade flying machines sorted by size and weight. These things are flung off a pier with the hope of going airborne. The current record for longest flugtag flight is an astounding 258 feet, by a collective known to us mortals only as 'The Chicken Whispers.' Are you not entertained?
6 p.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
This nascent sport/humiliation ritual is truly capitalizing on 'The Ocho' spotlight, crowning its world champion down in Orlando. The contestants were able to sign up online, which … who knows what that means, actually. The mission is simply to not tumble down on the slippery stairs. This is what Friday evenings are made for, what Ernest Hemingway was writing about in 'The Sun Also Rises.'
10 p.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
It's way more intense and theatrical than the name implies. One championship fighter dresses like The Joker. The ringside announcer is the Michael Buffer of fluffing beds. Competitors taunt each other and lean into heel characters. The joy of sport is in its vastness — every day is a Super Bowl of something to someone, and in this case, it comes with fine thread counts and first-aid kits.
9:30 p.m. ET, Saturday on ESPN2
This sounds like something Jack Donaghy would milk for ratings in the '30 Rock' universe, or a soundly rejected James Patterson book. What is it actually? Two intrepid competitors racing to get out of a coffin. Supremely silly, vaguely morbid and altogether hard to believe. It's the platonic ideal of 'ESPN8' programming.
11:30 p.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
Sometimes, mashups yield unexpected beauty and riveting reimagination. 'Alien vs. Predator' was a banger. This fusion of Gorillaz and GloRilla worked to perfection, too. Who's to say that martial arts in a Toyota Scion won't hit? Jiu-jitsu fighters make creative use of the cramped space, and some bouts even end with submission by seatbelt strangulation. What?! When has Kevin Hart ever endorsed something uncool?
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Noon ET, Friday on ESPN2
Why watch association soccer when there's a 'soccer-based sport' right at our fingertips?! No offsides, unlimited substitutions and three teams on the pitch at once. The Beautiful Game, indeed.
8:30 a.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
Certain localities become synonymous with sports excellence. We think of Wimbledon for tennis, Augusta for golf and Indianapolis for open-wheel racing. It's here that we acknowledge Trenton, Mich., as our holy site of bubble gum blowing. Presented by Big League Chew (the league leaders in nostalgia), this year's installment has qualifiers and cash prizes. Its website lists two age divisions: 10-16 and 18+. Was this an oversight, or are 17-year-olds not allowed to chew competitively? Tune in on Friday morning to find out.
3 a.m. ET, Saturday on ESPN2
I myself know how to sort data by ascending and descending values. I can even use that function where the sum of a column averages out. This stuff, however, is far beyond my pay grade. After a week of staring at screens and typing into laptops, maybe there's satisfaction in watching sweaty keyboard-mashers work spreadsheet magic. The event comes complete with a 'hype tunnel,' Las Vegas lighting and a bedazzled championship belt. From Yan Zhuang in the New York Times:
'The 'LeBron James of Excel,' as he was introduced in Vegas, was Diarmuid Early, 39, an Irish financial consultant who lives in New York, who entered the arena in jeans, sandals and a jersey patterned to resemble abdominal muscles. The Kobe Bryant was Andrew Ngai, 37, a soft-spoken actuary from Australia known as the Annihilator, who began the world championship as its reigning three-time champion.'
Again, it's someone's Super Bowl somewhere in America. This one is being broadcast at 3 in the morning. I'd set my alarm and watch just to see that esteemed paper clip with googly eyes.
2 a.m. ET, Saturday on ESPN2
Chess is a game of patience, cunning and mathematical psychology. Being underwater is a game of not drowning. They shouldn't go together, yet here we are. These dueling energies make for a unique challenge, and this 30-minute block is a documentary/highlight reel of the burgeoning competition. The program centers on Michał Mazurkiewicz and Alex Freeland, top-tier rivals engaged in a grudge match at the bottom of a swimming pool. A player takes a turn by diving underwater and making a legal chess play, before coming back up for air. If diving chess takes off, I humbly suggest organized leagues for jazz jam poker and jogging Sudoku.
3:30 a.m. ET, Friday on ESPN2
Words fail me. Roll the tape:
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(Photo of Delilah the Dog: Josh Edelson/AFP via Getty Images)