What is 'soft swapping' and how is it different for LGBTQ+ couples? Sex experts explain

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7 days ago

You've likely heard of polyamory, swinging, and ethical non-monogamy, but what about the term 'soft swapping'?
The practice has been around for a long time within the swinging community, but it gained popularity when it was featured on the reality show The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives, which showed Taylor Frankie Paul's TikTok video where she talked about her and her friends being into 'soft swinging,' also known as soft swapping.
Paul's marriage eventually ended in divorce, but she managed to popularize the term, which she said in a TikTok live referred to swapping partners where 'you just hook up but you don't go all the way.'
Soft swapping can either be a relationship model or a way to dip your toe into ethical non-monogamy on your way to swinging or polyamory.
The 'soft' in soft swapping means that penetrative sex is off the table. But what does that mean for the queer community, where penetrative sex doesn't look the same as it does for straight couples?
We talked to experts to break down what soft swapping is, whether or not it's common for LGBTQ+ couples, which sexual activities are on the table, and what the downside is.
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In an open relationship, both partners are able to date and have sex with people outside of the committed relationship, but with soft swapping, partners become intimate with people within a friend group or swinging community, and sexual contact is limited. This is different from 'hard swapping' or 'full swapping' which refers to swinging where penetrative sexual activity is allowed.
'Soft swapping is a form of consensual or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) where a couple explores sexual play with other couples, or within a community of other couples. It's a lot like swinging but tends to have more boundaries set out about what is allowed and often will restrict partners from having penetrative sex outside the relationship,' Emma Hewitt, a certified sex educator with Adulttoymegastore and the host of the podcast the Electric Rodeo, tells PRIDE.
'Historically, swinging in general has been considered a very hetero activity. You know the stereotype. The husband puts his key in a bowl at the party and whichever wife pulls his keys is who goes off with him for a good time,' Hewitt explains. 'Whether this party practice was ever actually popular or just a good trope for a comedy sitcom is up in the air, but what we do know is that how society learnt about swinging was definitely through a heterosexual lens.'
But statistics show that the LGBTQ+ community is more likely to participate in non-monogamous relationship models than their straight counterparts. According to a 2018 study on open relationships, 32% of gay participants, 5% of lesbian participants, and 22% of bisexual participants report being in open relationships, while only 2% of heterosexual participants say the same.
'LGBTQIA+ folks likely are as into soft swinging as straight folks, if not more, but we just haven't heard as much about it. How queer people define sex tends to be different to how straight people do. While sex is often defined as penetrative sex by straight people, the definition is much more diverse for queer folks so how they define swinging or soft swinging is likely different too,' Hewitt says.
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The parameters are fairly clearly defined for straight folks looking to spice up their sex life with soft swapping: just stay away from PIV sex. But what activities aren't allowed when you're dating in Queerland?
'In straight swinging circles, a soft swap usually refers to any non-penetrative sexual play,' she explains. "So, it might involve kissing, touching and oral sex. But in queer circles, these boundaries may look different depending on what the swinging partners determine to be sex.'
Sex and relationship therapist Aimee Evnin-Bingham advises discussing your desires for soft swapping openly with your partner and then deciding together what sexual boundaries you're both comfortable with. 'Couples should decide on what they feel comfortable when opening up their relationship. It may differ on what is 'allowed' depending on the relationship boundaries,' she says.
This means deciding together how you define sex and what sex acts are permitted within the agreement you have with your partner, and which ones are not. This also may be a good time to discuss how you both define cheating so that you know how to stay within the bounds of your commitment to each other.
Soft swapping can feel like a safe way to explore open relationships and have sexual experiences with new people without committing to swinging, polyamory, or other forms of ethical non-monogamy. According to Evnin-Bingham, since soft swapping is often done when both partners are in the same room, it can give someone feeling insecure a sense of control because they know what their partner is up to, while for others, it can spice up the bedroom.
'It may be exciting to see their partners soft swinging with other people. It can broaden your desire and you can learn more about what you like and what you don't like,' she reveals.
Hewitt agrees and says that soft swapping can also be a way to explore kinks, fetishes, and fantasies 'that their partner may not be interested in' without completely opening up your relationship.
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Even if you are in a stable relationship, jealousy can rear its ugly head and spell the end of your relationship. And if you end up falling for someone you're soft swapping with, you put your whole relationship at risk.
This is exactly what happened to Paul when she developed feelings for someone outside of her marriage who she was soft swapping with.
'Soft swinging shouldn't be considered a band-aid for a relationship that is already in trouble. If you have trust issues with one another, it's likely to put more strain and pressure on an already struggling relationship and can be a contributing factor to relationship dissolution,' Hewitt says.
If you're the one interested in trying soft swapping, have a conversation with your partner and be open about why you want to open your relationship in this way and how you think the experience will benefit you both. It can also help your partner feel less insecure if you remind them that you want to explore this with them, and not just as a way to skirt around monogamy.
Then, give them the time and space to consider your request and be ready to accept it if they won't want to give it a try.
'Give them time to process and do some research about soft swinging if they aren't sure what it means and don't hurry them into answering then and there. This isn't something that people should dive into on a whim,' Hewitt explains. 'If they aren't interested, respect that. It's ok to ask if it's a conversation you can return to in the future but don't nag or pressure them if it's something they don't want to do.'
And if your partner is the one who brings soft swapping up to you, try to keep an open mind and allow yourself to really think about it before you give an answer. 'Remember that it needs to work for everyone involved. If you are doing it because your partner wants to, but you don't, or vice versa, you are likely setting yourself up to fail as resentment inevitably kicks in,' she says.
If you're going to start soft swapping, it's important to make sure you are taking care of both your emotional and physical health.
Like with most things in life, and sex, communication is key. Consider setting up regular check-ins to make sure you are both still happy, and be prepared to be open about how you're really feeling.
Set up clear boundaries. Hewitt warns that setting up 'blanket rules' for soft swapping won't be enough, instead you and your partner need to be specific about which sex acts are allowed with other partners and which are off the table since the way you each define 'sex' and 'cheating' may be different. Then, be clear about your boundaries with potential soft swapping partners.
Talk about the future. After play sessions, you and your partner should talk openly about whether your needs are being met or your boundaries are being pushed so that you can decide together if you want to continue soft swapping.
Safe sex is paramount. You are your partner need to be on the same page about your comfort level around fluid bonding, contraceptive use, and STI risks before you start soft swapping. Get tested regularly, consider going on PrEP, and talk openly about these things with anyone you and your partner may swap with.
Emma Hewitt, a certified sex educator with Adulttoymegastore and the host of the podcast the Electric Rodeo.
Aimee Evnin-Bingham, a sex and relationship therapist.
This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'soft swapping' and how is it different for LGBTQ+ couples? Sex experts explain
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