What Happens When Teens Don't Date
Maybe if Phillips had been teaching this class a decade ago, her students would already have learned some of this firsthand. Today, though, that's less likely: Research indicates that the number of teens experiencing romantic relationships has dropped. In a 2023 poll from the Survey Center on American Life, 56 percent of Gen Z adults said they'd been in a romantic relationship at any point in their teen years, compared with 76 percent of Gen Xers and 78 percent of Baby Boomers. And the General Social Survey, a long-running poll of about 3,000 Americans, found in 2021 that 54 percent of participants ages 18 to 34 reported not having a 'steady' partner; in 2004, only 33 percent said the same.
As I've written, a whole lot of American adults are withdrawing from romance—not just young people. But the trend seems to be especially pronounced for Gen Z, or people born roughly between 1997 and 2012. Of course, you can grow into a perfectly mature and healthy adult without ever having had a romantic relationship; some research even suggests you might be better off that way. In the aggregate, though, this shift could be concerning: a sign, researchers told me, of a generation struggling with vulnerability. A first love, for so many, has been a milestone on the path to adulthood—a challenging, thrilling, world-expanding experience that can help people understand who they are and whom they're looking for. What's lost if that rite of passage disappears?
You can experience so much without being in a defined relationship. You can flirt; you can kiss; you can dance. You can have a crush so big it takes up all the space in your brain; you can care about someone deeply; you can get hurt—badly. Plenty of young people, then, could be having transformative romantic encounters and still reporting that they've never been in a relationship. It could be the label, not the emotional reality, that's changing, Thao Ha, a developmental psychologist at Arizona State University, told me. She's found that lots of high schoolers report having 'dated' before—a looser term that might better suit the realities of adolescent courtship today. (In a YouGov poll from last year, about 50 percent of respondents aged 18 to 34 said they'd been in a 'situationship,' or undefined relationship.) Some of that activity might not entail exclusivity or regularity, or any promise of long-term commitment. But it could still help young people with what researchers told me are some core rewards of early romantic exploration: gaining autonomy from parents, developing a sense of identity, what Phillips called an 'existential' benefit—the 'sometimes painful, sometimes amazing trial-and-error process of seeking closeness.'
Becoming a well-rounded grown-up, in fact, doesn't really require romantic experience of any sort. Adolescence and emerging adulthood are times of uncertainty; what young people need most, Amy Rauer, a human-development professor at the University of Tennessee at Knoxville, told me, is often just a cheerleader: a peer, a grandparent, a coach, or someone else making them feel valued, which can set them up to feel secure in future relationships. Teens can also learn social skills—how to make small talk, resolve arguments, empathize across differences—in all kinds of platonic relationships.
[Read: The slow, quiet demise of America romance]
Some research, Phillips pointed out, actually suggests that young people might benefit from a lack of romantic activity. One study found that, compared with their dating peers, students who dated very infrequently or not at all over a seven-year period were seen by their teachers as having better leadership and social skills, and reported fewer symptoms of depression. After all, young love isn't always positive. It can be an emotional whirlwind; it can distract from schoolwork, or from friends, or from other interests. In the worst cases, it can be abusive. (Adolescent girls experience intimate-partner violence at particularly high rates.) And when it ends, teens—with little perspective and few learned coping mechanisms—can be absolutely wrecked.
Despite how common a lack of relationship experience is now—especially but not only for teens—a lot of people still feel embarrassed by it. TikTok is filled with influencers declaring that they're 26 or 30 or 40 and have never been in a relationship, sharing how insecure that's made them feel; commenters stream in, by the hundreds of thousands, to divulge their own feelings of shame. Many of my friends, who are entering their 30s, constantly stress about this: They fear they won't know how to be a good partner if the opportunity arises. But all of a person's interactions, not just romantic ones, can shape how they'll show up in a relationship. One 2019 study, which followed 165 subjects ages 13 to 30, found that strong friendships in adolescence predicted romantic-life satisfaction in adulthood; early romantic experience, meanwhile, wasn't related to future satisfaction at all. (Teens commonly learn how to fight and make up with friends, Phillips told me, but they might be less likely to stick it out with a lover long enough for conflict resolution.)
[Read: The dating-app diversity paradox]
Overall, when it comes to who you are in a relationship, what matters most is simply who you are, period. And the traits that make you you are likely to remain fairly stable throughout your life. A 2022 study found, for instance, that subjects who were single during adolescence—but had their first relationship by age 26—reported no lower self-esteem than those who'd started dating earlier. Tita Gonzalez Avilés, a personality psychologist at Germany's Johannes Gutenberg University Mainz who has led some of this research, told me that although people often think their relationships will change them, the influence typically happens the other way around: Who you are shapes what kind of relationship you'll have. Research has even shown that people's satisfaction in a relationship tends to remain pretty consistent across their various partners.
Given all that, you might think it a good thing that Gen Z has less going on in the romance department. Perhaps young people are busy with other pursuits, focusing on friendship and school and hobbies; maybe they no longer want to settle for a mediocre partner. The transition to adulthood tends to take longer today, pushing back lots of different milestones—steps such as financial independence, buying a home, and, notably, getting married—sometimes indefinitely. In that sense, young people have an eminently rational reason to hold off on seeking partnership: The deadline is extended. But researchers have pointed to other, more worrisome reasons for the romance dip.
Phillips has heard a lot about situationships—and scenarios that aren't even well-defined enough to use that label. For her new book, First Love, she interviewed more than 100 young people and parents, and found, as Ha did, that early romance today tends to reside in a gray area. 'You have a long period of we're talking,' Phillips told me. 'You're kind of dancing around the idea of a sexual-romantic connection, maybe even having some of those experiences, but not really talking about what it is.' For some, the lack of strict relationship expectations can be freeing. But many, Phillips told me, find the ambiguity distressing, because they don't know what they have the right to feel—or the right to ask for. Some recounted how they ended up feeling invested in a fling—and described it not only as bad news, but as a personal failure: They said that they 'got caught' (as if red-handed), 'caught feelings' (like an illness), or succumbed to 'dumb-bitch hour' (when late at night, defenses down, they texted a crush and—God forbid—let themselves feel close to someone). 'Young people would be hard on themselves,' Phillips told me, 'because they would think, Okay, this person let me know this wasn't going to be a thing. And then my heart let it be a thing.'
The young-love recession, in other words, might reflect a real shift in how comfortable Americans are, on the whole, with emotional intimacy. Generational researchers have described Gen Z as a cohort particularly concerned with security, averse to risk, and slow to trust—so it makes sense that a lot of teens today might be hesitant to throw themselves into a relationship, or even just to admit they care whether their dalliance will continue next week. In a 2023 Hinge survey of Gen Z daters, 90 percent of participants said they wanted to find love—but 56 percent said that fear of rejection had kept them from pursuing a potential relationship, and 57 percent said they'd refrained from confessing their feelings about someone because they worried it would 'be a turn-off.' Those reservations can create a self-fulfilling prophecy, Phillips said, in which young people keep a romantic prospect at arm's length—and then, when they feel confused or get hurt anyway, they become even more wary of relationships. 'Why would I want to go any further in this world,' she said many wonder, 'when I had this flirtation that seemed to be very close and very promising and went nowhere?'
[Read: The people who quit dating]
I heard something similar from Daniel A. Cox, the director of the Survey Center on American Life: People still badly want connection, but among Gen Z, 'there's a real sense of anxiety about how to go about it.' That social nervousness affects platonic and romantic relationships alike; he's found, in fact, that people who spend more time with friends are also more likely to have dated regularly during their teen years. 'Trying to forge romantic connections and be vulnerable—it's really difficult,' he said, 'when you're constantly worried about being hurt or being taken advantage of.'
Some of that self-protective instinct has probably trickled down from older generations, especially when it comes to dynamics in heterosexual relationships. As Cox has found while reporting a forthcoming book on the gender divide, men and women seem to be growing ever further apart. Young men are shifting rightward, and many are feeling misunderstood. Women, meanwhile, have become more suspicious of men. Fear of sexual assault has increased significantly in recent years, and so has concern about dating-app safety. If so many grown women are feeling vigilant, imagine how girls and younger women feel: at a vulnerable age, still learning about the world and already surrounded by the message—and, in plenty of cases, the reality—that boys and men are dangerous. Imagine, too, how some boys and young men feel: just figuring out who they are and already getting the message that they're not trusted. Perhaps it's not surprising that people are trying to control their romantic feelings, whether by focusing on friendships or by keeping situationships allegedly emotion-free.
Even under conditions of a gender cold war, many girls might get on fine—but boys could suffer more. When psychologists told me that young people can flourish in the absence of romance, that was assuming they have close friends to rely on and to teach them social graces (including one as simple as making conversation). Boys and young men, who aren't as likely to have such tight bonds, tend to learn those skills from women. Maybe they have a sister or a mother or female friends who can help with that—but if not, Cox told me, being single might put them at a real emotional and developmental disadvantage. That might make them less prepared to date.
[Read: The golden age of dating doesn't exist]
A rise in skepticism toward romance is a loss, not just for boys but for society as a whole. Romantic love isn't better or more important than platonic love, but it's different—and telling yourself you have no need for it doesn't necessarily make it true.
Phillips talked to her students about an excerpt of Plato's Symposium, in which—at the beginning of time—Zeus splits each human in two in order to foil their plan to overthrow the gods. From then on, everyone wanders around yearning for their other half. Falling in love, according to the story, is when you finally find it. Alas: Her students hated the story. They didn't like the idea of only one other person being meant for each of us, or the suggestion that they'd be incomplete without such a reunion. They told her they wanted to be whole all by themselves—not dependent on a soulmate. They had a point.
And yet, Phillips still felt there was something sad about their reaction. They didn't seem to understand that 'relationships are an interpersonal exchange,' she said: that 'they involve both feeling expanded by someone else and then some genuine sacrifices.' You are at least a little dependent on someone in a relationship; that's what the symbiosis of love requires. It's scary—but it can be interesting, and beautiful when it's good, and sometimes formative even when it doesn't stay good. You might want to find out for yourself.
When you buy a book using a link on this page, we receive a commission. Thank you for supporting The Atlantic.
Article originally published at The Atlantic
Hashtags

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


Newsweek
a day ago
- Newsweek
Gen Z Males 3 Times More Likely Than Boomers to Prioritize 'Dominance'
Based on facts, either observed and verified firsthand by the reporter, or reported and verified from knowledgeable sources. Newsweek AI is in beta. Translations may contain inaccuracies—please refer to the original content. Gen Z males were three times more likely to prioritize "dominance" than baby boomers in a new study by consumer insights platform GWI. Males from the Gen Z population—ages 13 to 28—ranked as more traditional in several of their ratings. While 71 percent of male baby boomers said "caring" is a quality men should possess, just 43 percent of Gen Zers said the same. That was the lowest rating of any generation. Why It Matters Gen Z is navigating a largely unforeseen dating scene, growing up in a world where dating is often conducted by apps, and algorithms may decide the fate of who your partner is. The rise of "manosphere" content creators like Andrew Tate has also preached the importance of being an "alpha male," while encouraging disrespect and even sometimes violence toward women in the process. The shifting views on masculinity and dating could have long-standing ramifications, especially as many women are simultaneously frustrated over dating in the modern age. An AppsFlyer survey from last year found a whopping 65 percent of dating apps get deleted within just a month. And of those who uninstall the apps, 90 percent do it within a week. A 13-year-old boy looks at an iPhone screen on May 26 in Penzance, England. A 13-year-old boy looks at an iPhone screen on May 26 in Penzance, To Know In the new GWI report, Gen Z males consistently showed a preference for what's largely seen as "traditional" gender roles, more so than their baby boomer elders. While Gen Z males were nearly three times more likely than boomers to prioritize "dominance" as a key trait, at 23 percent versus 8 percent, they also valued strength more than older generations. The priority of "strength" as a trait declined with age across the generations, as 52 percent of Gen Z males said it was the most valued trait. That was compared to 51 percent of male millennials, 46 percent of Gen X and 44 percent for boomers. "The biggest biological reason that baby boomer men are less likely to prioritize, dominance and strength, and more likely to prioritize caring, has to do with the fact that their testosterone has gone down," Dr. Wendy Walsh, relationship expert from DatingAdvice, told Newsweek. "Thank goodness! Men over 60 are the sweetest gentlest men. It's wonderful to see. Gen Z men might prioritize dominance partly because their testosterone is raging." However, there are also social and psychological factors at play, Walsh added. "Baby boomers are fathers and grandfathers. They've spent their days slaying dragons and now want to spend time nurturing the things that are very good for their health, their friends and family," Walsh said. "As for those Gen Z men, many of them have lost their 'place' in society, as women are surging ahead in education and economics. Rather than understanding that masculinity can be correlated with caring and nurturing, they may be attempting to assert their masculinity through dominance in reaction to women's perceived strength." Across the board, males had traditional views toward what women should act like, with the top three traits they think women should possess being "caring" (61 percent), "gentle" (52 percent) and "nurturing" (52 percent). Females, meanwhile, valued confidence and independence as the top traits in women, at 68 percent and 63 percent. And the traits females valued in men differed dramatically from what males valued in themselves, GWI found. Across generations, the top qualities females valued in men were being caring (62 percent), confident (56 percent) and empathetic (55 percent). While 57 percent of males also viewed confidence as the top quality for men, Gen Z males especially valued more traditional, tough traits in men. "The data reveals an important shift in mindsets, and in some cases a reversal, in how different generations view gender roles," Chris Beer, data journalist at GWI, said in a statement. "While many women are embracing confidence and independence, young men are being drawn toward traditional ideas of masculinity, placing a greater importance on strength and dominance compared to older generations. What People Are Saying Hallie Kritsas, licensed mental health counselor with Thriveworks, told Newsweek: "It may seem surprising to some that male Gen Z individuals are leaning into more traditional traits such as dominance and strength, and may be doing so even more than male Boomers. However, this reflects deeper uncertainty. We are in a world of shifting roles, and so many younger men are searching for identity and control. These young men are often doing so without strong models of healthy masculinity, which might lead them to fall back on 'outdated ideas.'" Walsh also told Newsweek: "I think Gen Z men may want to see a return to traditional gender roles so that they can recapture some sense of "lost" male identity rather than evolve into the new masculine man, that is one who is caring, nurturing and emotionally attuned." What Happens Next The Gen Z males who prioritize dominance above all else might reflect their own insecurity and confusion, Kritsas said, adding, "As a result, we are seeing a generation of examples that are struggling to reconcile emotional vulnerability, such as being caring, gentle, and nurturing, with a culture that still rewards power."


Buzz Feed
a day ago
- Buzz Feed
31 Modern Home Design Trends That Non-Millennials Hate
As someone who's fantasized about owning my own house for many years, I absolutely love talking about home design trends. But us Gen Z'ers are sort of unlucky, because we're all kinda struggling to afford a house right now. And that leaves LOTS of time for us to admire and judge millennials' home design choices, since many of them are homeowners now. So recently, we talked about some millennial home design trends that Gen Z simply can't understand — maybe they're nonsensical, or just plain ugly — and the BuzzFeed Community responded with tons more examples! So let's go through them, shall we? "I hate when I walk into the front door and you literally walk right into the living room. There's no closet and no entranceway; just the living room. I need a buffer between the entrance and the rest of the house." "Freestanding 'sculptural' bathtubs. Very tricky to get in and out, and you have to figure out how to clean around them. An in-law put one in and immediately regretted it. I think they store towels in it now." "I really hate serving windows between the kitchen and the living room. It's like an indoor window, but just leave the wall there." "I love looking at those home renovation articles that show the before and after of rooms, and I keep seeing the pink and green kitchens everywhere. It's always hideous." "Gold fixtures through out the house. Sorry, but it's tacky and will go out of style quickly. Stick with timeless metals. "I hate all white cabinetry; it makes me think I'm in a hospital or laboratory. What ever happened to beautiful wood?" "I hate it when there's nothing but white in a house and no other color. Like the whole 'modernism' white, grey, and black. It makes my skin crawl, because I grew up being unable to paint the walls in houses, and every room was the same eggshell, white, or cream color. It was awful." "Chandeliers — everywhere. I once visited a friend's new house, and she only had chandeliers in the dining room. But then, because of this trend started by entitled children on social media, she started putting them in the bedrooms. She had a dining-room-sized chandelier in her closet, too. The lighting is too soft. The whole purpose of chandeliers in dining rooms is soft lighting and ambiance. I think it's a trend that long outlived its attraction." "Kitchens that are in the corner of a room, like a living or dining room — hate this! I like a separate room for a kitchen." "Granite and quartz countertops. It has never made sense to me — the amount of waste that goes into these countertops, and the effort it takes to maintain them. Instead, you could make a reasonable copy with concrete or resin and be able to change out the style with minimal effort and cost." "Not having medicine cabinets and no doors on bathrooms. Especially bad if there are two of you getting up at different times." "The beige look. It looks so soulless and zero effort. Nothing is interesting anymore, and when I drive past places that used to be colorful, I feel sad. There's beige or white paint covering the once-patterned walls. Kids' toys don't have color anymore, it's just beige or white." "I hate gray floors. They're dated and not at all attractive." "Thin metal on furniture. Like these tiny little TV antenna legs are gonna hold this dining table and plates at the same time. Do you really think those spindly little chair legs made from chromium steel are gonna hold a 150-pound person? They don't look like they could hold grandma's knitting, let alone grandma. And for the love of dustbuster, stop putting those stupid metal tubes on the corners of everything!" "Vinyl flooring, especially when natural. Replace it with true wood! I live in a house where the previous owners 'renovated' the bathroom (that's another rant of its own), including adding gray vinyl flooring, and I hate it! Stepping out onto cold vinyl is soooo uncomfortable." "Super high ceilings. Why would you want to feel like you live in a warehouse? I'll take an old house with an 8-foot ceiling any day." "It drives me ABSOLUTELY INSANE when people think that 'industrial style' homes are nice. It's concrete EVERYWHERE, metals, ZERO COLOR, naked light bulbs and fixtures, and NOTHING is cozy and cushy like a home should be. It's not a home — it's a concrete structure with a bed and kitchen." "The half shower door. All the heat and steam from the shower is gone. Plus, the no door to the bathroom from the bedroom. No privacy. What idiot came up with the open bathroom concept???" "Every designer uses white couches and furniture! People have to live there…so impractical." "Area rugs are a fall risk, and not just for seniors. I had them in most of my homes, but that's in the past." "The lack of an entry foyer at front door to take dirty or muddy shoes and coats off. Plus save air conditioning." "Shiplap on everything. I think it's going to wind up like the wood paneling back in the 1960s." "When the kitchen sink is on a huge island facing the living area!" "Popcorn ceilings; it's cheap and grotesque-looking, and you have to worry about asbestos." "Laundry in a hallway needs an actual space or room with a big, deep sink." "I'm, like, the last Gen Z to exist, and I hate, hate, hate, hate, HATE the need people feel to have exposed brick interiors, Especially painted. — it's a big no-no, and, honestly, the biggest mistake I've ever seen. It's 2025: the future. Stop with the whole brick-on-brick-on-brick thing, please!" "Soft, squishy floors. They scream cheap construction." "The lack of garages. I hate conversions leaving no cover to protect vehicles." "Round windows anywhere in the house. Also, turrets. Round things." "When the powder room is close to the front entrance, or adjacent to the kitchen. Just gross! What if a guest mistakes it for a closet door 😱" "Wire shelves in closets and pantries. Things like cans, bottles, and purses constantly tip over." Now, time to share your thoughts! What's a modern home design trend you absolutely can't stand? Write your response in this anonymous form, or in the comments below! And make sure you check out BuzzFeed Canada on on Instagram and TikTok for more!


Buzz Feed
2 days ago
- Buzz Feed
16 Products To Help You Save Money And Cut Energy Usage
A power consumption meter to help you track down the energy vampires in your home. You know, the TVs, computers, small kitchen appliances, and other electronics that leach energy even when they're turned off or in standby mode. A Shark FlexBreeze Pro Mist Fan if you loveeee walking through the misters at Disney and want to bring the experience home. This bb — which can be configured as a pedestal or tabletop fan — uses way less electricity than an AC, but still lowers temperatures by up to 12 degrees. And you can even pop some ice cubes in the tank for extra chill factor! A set of Bedsure cooling sheets so you can turn off your AC and still comfortably sleep through the night without flipping and flopping around like a hot dog on a damn grill. And Rest's Evercool Cooling Comforter with temperature-regulating, moisture-wicking fabric so you don't have to rip apart your bed in an attempt to get quality sleep. The brand's proprietary fabric has a "feel temperature" (aka a Qmax Score) much lower than cotton, bamboo, silk, and lyocell! Some magnetic air vent deflectors so you can redirect airflow toward the center of your room because right now it's seemingly going right through the wall??? Some transparent weather stripping tape to seal up gaps between your AC unit and window. If your AC has made quite a few moves or you have wonky window frames, you know how tough it can be to get the right fit. And a roll of thick foam tape weatherstripping you can install around every door frame while you're at it. A set of smart LED bulbs that'll be wayyy more efficient than those incandescent ones you've been using. Not only do LEDs use up to 90% less energy and last up to 25 times longer, but they don't give off any heat, which can truly make a difference! A set of blackout thermal curtains that not only block out light, noise, and heat, but prevent cool air from escaping because that is just money straight down the drain. Or a set of motorized shades which offer a different look, but will work much the same. Plus, they can block out light with the push of a button or a simple Alexa voice request. A Dyson dual air purifier and fan that'll not only blast you with icy cold air, but also capture 99.97% of particles 0.3 microns in size, including pollen, bacteria, and pet dander. While it's an investment upfront, it'll certainly pay off as seasonal allergies + wildfire smoke + 90-degree days are no match for this baby. A two-pack of affordable draft blockers because you'll be damned if you pay even a penny for any cool air that Houdinis its way out of the house. An attic stairway insulation cover that creates a seal so none of the air you paid for escapes up into the attic for your mice and squirrel friends to enjoy instead... A therapeutic cold cap tons of reviewers swear by not only for alleviating intense headache, sinus, and eye pain, but also for deeper sleep on hot summer nights. Pop this in the freezer, throw it on before you go to bed, and you might just be able to get away without your AC running through the night. A set of Japanese-engineered cooling pillowcases with fibers designed to absorb your body heat as you sleep. How cool is that?! Or an affordable silk pillowcase that will prevent you from flipping and re-flipping your pillow in a desperate bid to chase the cool side. When your fan is going, your cold cap is fresh out of the freezer, and you've slipped under some silky sheets: Reviews in this post have been edited for length and/or clarity.