What the tiger and the dog learned in the well
Down in Jungleland now brings you an exclusive on what exactly transpired in the well, into which a tiger and dog fell recently, and were later rescued. Excerpts from their conversation:
Tiger: You idiot! Don't you see where you're going? You ran straight into this stinking compost pit!
Dog: You're a bigger idiot! You followed me! That's what happens when you chase dogs! By the way, Jim Corbett called you 'a large, hearted gentleman!'
Tiger: Primarily because none of us were able to eat him!
Dog: Are you hungry?
Tiger: Can't you see I have a face-full of porcupine quills? And anyway I have no appetite for dog meat.
Dog: Good, we're not supposed to be flavourful when eaten raw. And can pass on canine-distemper which killed hundreds of lions in Serengeti and Gir. Not to mention rabies. I might just have that… so just keep a safe distance! Do you have a mask?
Tiger: You spread rabies around and they call you 'man's best friend!' Humans!
Dog: They are fools. Some will throw birthday parties for you, call themselves 'pet parents' (how gross is that!) slobber all over you, and others will throw rocks at you and put you down if you don't belong to a human family!
Tiger: You think you've got a bad deal? Look at us: Schedule I in the Wildlife (Protection) Act which means Z+ class security yet they bulldoze our homelands and then get upset when we take down their dumbass livestock because the deer have all starved!
Dog: Well, they did look after that injured tigress in Ranthambore, fed her and treated her and she's now back on her feet, hunting.
Tiger: (rolling his eyes): And her cubs got so spoiled as a result, they never learned to hunt and they are now throwing tantrums and snatching people and giving all of us a bad name. They want to be taken to five star restaurants for every meal and be served roast venison and Carbonnade de Boeuf.
Dog: (Scratching his ear) Umm, is it true that in some countries they eat your unmentionables and other parts, in the hope that will make them virile?
Tiger: Doggo, it's much worse than that: They farm us! As if we were goats or cattle and they wear our skins! Can you imagine doing that?
Dog: (shuddering) Eww! And they are supposed to be the most intelligent of all living creatures. Right on top of the food chain.
Tiger: Put one unarmed fellow in front of me and I'll show you who's on top of the food chain in five seconds.
Dog: (Grinning cheekily) Bro, at the moment we're at the bottom of a compost pit!
Tiger: (Glaring) Thanks to you know who…
Dog: So what's the plan now? I howl and you roar so we can wake them up?
Tiger: No! It's still dark and they'll panic and think we are bhoots and chudails and kill us both! Let them wake up and have their chai and go to the bogs first!
Dog: Wonder how they'll get us out of here…you especially. Me, I can be ingratiating, wag my tail and whine: you know, do what politicians do when they want to switch parties. They'll lift me out for sure, but you…
Tiger: (Slitting his eyes) We, big cats, don't do ingratiating…
Dog: But you can purr. And I once saw several of your kind sitting on stools in a circus with your paws up while a dude in spangled underwear cracked his whip at them. Kind of cute.
Tiger (Flintily): Look bro, I'm not a pussycat or circus cat! And I don't do cute either!
Dog: (Grinning cheekily) But right now you are a pussy in a well…
Tiger: (Rising, and snarling) What did you just say?
Dog: Cool your jets, just teasing. Where's your sense of humour? Honestly you're just like humans with their wet tissue sentiments… Ready to lynch at a moment's notice!
Tiger (shaking his shaggy head): Maybe they are to blame! I just don't get it: There are around 4,000 of us and 1.4 billion of them and they get on our case every time! We kill 40 or 50 of them every year, usually by accident and they come after us with rifles! Their vehicles kill 800 of them every day and are allowed free rein. They should be letting loose their BrahMos missiles at them.
Dog: Yes. I've escaped getting run over several times too… You know, maybe we're safest down here. If only there was food and water.
Tiger: (shaking his head) A tiger and a dog living together in a hole? What would everyone say? Besides I need my freedom and to hunt and hunting you down here is not kosher at all.
Dog: I should hope not! Okay bro, I think it's time we made a noise now. I'm going to bark, you can snarl and roar.
(Sure enough, they were discovered by shocked locals and a rescue mission was set afoot. But down in the hole when the two looked up this is what they saw)
Dog: OMG. They've got guns. They're going to shoot us after all!
Tiger: Farewell my friend. At least we got to spend some quality time together!
(It is unlikely the pair will ever meet again. The tiger was released in the Periyar Tiger Reserve and the dog in the surrounding area. They were stuck in one small pit and did not harm each other. This is one beautiful blue planet).
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