I poured boiling water over myself during a psychotic episode. Taking testosterone changed everything

Telegraph

05-05-2025

It's hard for me to remember everything that's happened to me. I've spent years in a fog of depression and psychosis; not knowing if something is real, or a wild story that my brain is telling me. I've always found it impossible to cope with the everyday challenges that most people manage easily. And while I've always deeply loved my boys, I know I've been an absent mother, and that's had a huge impact on their lives.
I was 17 when I had my first psychotic episode. After an accidental pregnancy I had a termination without my parents knowing. I was scared they'd find out and became increasingly anxious. I started having these bizarre thoughts that my family were moving to New Zealand and leaving me behind. At one point I believed I was the serial killer Myra Hindley, which completely terrified me. The doctor prescribed sleeping tablets and warned me that if I carried on in this way, I'd end up in a mental health unit. He was right, I've been in and out of them ever since. Sadly, at that time, no one ever wondered if my breakdown could be related to a hormone imbalance.
I was an emotional mess and turned to alcohol, which has often been my crutch to help me cope. It was a way of numbing my feelings, but it doesn't take an expert to know it's disastrous to mix drink with psychiatric medication. My brain was addled with all the pills and booze.
Then all of a sudden, some months later, the depression and psychosis started to lift. I felt well and confident again. I stayed well for a while, got married at 20 and had my first son Lewis, five years later. But following Lewis's birth, I became anxious and depressed again. Then with the arrival of my second son, Kristian, in 1995, when I crashed and the doctors diagnosed me with bipolar. I've since been told I am schizoaffective, which is a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar.
And so, this awful cycle has continued. Each time after giving birth to my three sons, I've struggled with post-partum depression. When Kristian was six months old I was admitted to a mental health unit for the first time because I was psychotic. It was Halloween and I thought my husband was trying to kill me. I ran up the road in my knickers trying to escape the house because I was so frightened. These periods of darkness continued to come and go but they were never fleeting. Sometimes I'd be down for six months.
Then when I was 33 and my third son, Jay, was born, I was so depressed I couldn't do anything but stay in bed crying. I agreed to try electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), where electric pulses are sent to the brain, and it did help for a while, but the black moods soon returned and I plummeted into the depths of misery, losing perspective on life. One of the worst things was that I couldn't take care of my children. My husband and my mum did step in, but kids want their mother. My boys have always been so supportive of me, and they have tried so hard to find answers to my illness, but I know they missed out on having a fully present mum. It hasn't been easy for them.
In my late 40s, I went through a more positive period. My mental health was the best it had been in years. I felt balanced and mostly in control. Then just before I turned 50, I became menopausal and almost instantly I dropped into a psychotic episode within the space of a week. The following years, up until recently, have been the worst ever, with me ending up in hospital again, hallucinating and having persecutory delusions about harming myself and those around me. On various occasions I have actioned voices in my head telling me to pour boiling water over myself, once ending up in the burns unit with third degree burns to my body.
Life seemed unbearably hard. I developed agoraphobia and couldn't leave the house, and I was scared to be around my two grandchildren because I thought I might hurt them. Much of that time is completely lost to me. I was so ill my brain shut down, so memories and an understanding of what was happening is forever gone. I was living in an altered state.
Then last summer, a family friend told Jay about The Dr Louise Newson Podcast. Dr Newson is a respected women's hormone specialist, who is passionate about increasing hormone treatment, and she talked about the relationship between menopause and psychosis and the link to hormones. Jay found it made a lot of sense and so he messaged her on Instagram, but not really expecting an answer. She replied almost immediately, and after some e-mails and a virtual meeting, supported Jay to request prescribed hormone replacement therapy for me. The psychiatrist overseeing my care in hospital initially rejected the suggestion, but Dr Newson advised them further, and eventually they agreed to start hormone treatment.
At first, I was given a combination of oestrogen and progesterone, and soon felt so much better, but it was when testosterone was added that I saw the biggest change. It was quite amazing. After a couple of months, the psychosis lifted and steadily my mood improved. It's been over six months now and it's the best I've felt in years. After eight years of agoraphobia, I can go out on my own without fear, I meet friends, I even have my grandchildren stay at the weekends and we have a lovely time. I am eating healthily and keeping a journal to help process my thoughts.
No longer do I lie in bed most of the day; instead I get up early, have a bath and do my hair, then I walk my puppy, Skye. It sounds simple but I now believe there are possibilities ahead for me. I am still on medication – olanzapine and lithium – but Dr Newson is working to wean me off. And although my anxiety hasn't totally disappeared, I am not depressed and able to ignore any intrusive beliefs – you can't imagine how amazing that feels after a lifetime of dark thoughts.
If I reflect on my experience, I can remember there being several new mums and menopausal women on the psych wards with me. Why did no one ever think there may be a link between hormonal imbalance and mental health? There has been a lot of progress in recent years in this field and experts like Dr Newson are paving the way, but my illness has robbed me of so much. If hormone treatment had been administered earlier, I could have been there for my boys, maybe travelled, worked, and generally lived a fuller life. I want to focus on a more positive future, and I hope that talking about what has happened to me will help other women. But if Jay hadn't listened to Dr Newson's podcast that day, I might still be in a black hole of misery.