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How sorry are you? Why learning to apologise well could save your relationships
Got something to say sorry for? Here are words that have no place in your apologies, according to those who have spent years analysing them: 'It was not my intent'. 'What I meant was'. 'Sorry you misunderstood'. And any use of the word 'obviously'. Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy call it 'bad apology bingo'. They have heard a lot of them as co-authors of Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies and the blog Sorrywatch, where they critique public apologies. 'We've looked at so many studies, from so many different fields, on what makes an effective apology,' Ingall says. After 10-plus years of Sorrywatch, they have also seen apologies so bad they warrant apologies of their own. ''Sorry if', 'sorry but', 'sorry I forgot that you don't really have a sense of humour about that' … The line between explanation and excuse is very porous, and very thin.' At their best, apologies can not only repair relationships but make them more resilient. The trouble is, they are hard to do – or at least to do well. One ill-considered or misplaced word can not only fail to secure forgiveness but make the situation worse. How can you say sorry, and convey that you really mean it – and why do we find it so difficult? 'In general, we want to feel good about ourselves, and for people to think positively of us,' says Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, who has extensively studied the science of apology. By taking responsibility for hurting someone's feelings, or messing up at work, we threaten our image of ourselves as moral or competent. 'We really have a hard time associating ourselves with those wrongful actions,' Schumann says. Further complicating matters is the fact that blame is rarely clearcut, even when we accept we're at least somewhat at fault. 'It can be really difficult to say, 'Yes, I'm responsible' when I also see you – or the situation – as responsible.' You can reference those extenuating circumstances in your apology, Schumann says – it just has 'to be done really carefully'. Often people who have been wronged struggle to understand why: 'Why did this person do this to me? Is it because they don't value our relationship? Were they trying to hurt me intentionally?' That ambiguity can compound hurt feelings and create bigger rifts. Giving context in an apology – about your reasoning, for example, or emotional state – can help prevent further misunderstanding, according to Schumann. 'But you still need to accept the responsibility for the harm, and the consequences.' Various studies have identified a certain number of steps to an effective apology, from five steps to seven. Schumann's own framework has eight, though she thinks of them more as elements you can drawn on, depending on the situation and particular misdemeanour, than steps you must follow. 'I would never advise going through it like a checklist,' she says. Sometimes, acknowledging the harm you've caused will be the most pressing part of your apology; other times the emphasis will be on repairing the relationship. 'It's going to be really important that this person feels that you are committed to never behaving this way again, that this was a one-time mistake,' Schumann says. One essential yet often overlooked step is actually saying the words 'I am sorry' or 'I apologise'. 'They need to hear that very clear, strong signal,' Schumann says. 'If that's missing, then you can say all the rest, and some people might not register it as an apology.' Equally, she goes on: 'There are certain words that immediately undermine the value of an apology.' One is 'but'. 'People hear defensiveness, as opposed to accountability.' Even if you have points to get off your chest, it may be best to hold off until you are on firmer footing. 'We have a tendency to want apologies to be this immediate fix,' Schumann says. 'What they should be is a signal for a broader process of reparation, and commitment to restoring the relationship.' That doesn't have to be made explicit, says Schumann – but implicit to the apology is often a commitment to doing better in future. 'What's really important with these promises to behave better is that you have to back it up and live by what you're saying. And, if you don't think you can, don't say those words, because it's going to backfire.' Where saying more can help (rather than hinder) your apology is in demonstrating awareness of the impact on the other person. 'You should specify what you are sorry for, and show that you understand why it was hurtful,' Ingall says. As well as demonstrating empathy and self-reflection, this gives the other person a chance to clarify. Regardless of what they have to say, it's important to listen, Ingall says. 'The thing that people want most is to be heard and understood … The apology is not about you; it's about the recipient.' Offering reparations can help communicate your selflessness, Ingall adds – and those can take many forms, such as flowers. After she and her husband fight, he gets to work on jobs around the house or takes on more of the cooking. 'He is not great with the words – but he does the acts of service,' Ingall says. Research suggests your apology may indeed be more persuasive if you're seen to be making an effort – but that can go beyond gifts and household chores. A study found that people perceive apologies using longer words (but still common and easy-to-understand) as being more genuine. Shiri Lev-Ari, the paper's author, says it is received as akin to investing time or money in making amends. 'If the person inconveniences themselves in order to apologise, you can say: 'Okay, they mean it.'' That we seem to intuitively understand this reflects our attention to navigating these nuanced social dynamics, Lev-Ari says: as much as we might agonise over apologising, much of what makes it effective (or not) is unspoken and even subconscious. 'Without realising, we also choose words because of their forms, such as how long they are, not just what they mean.' The gender split is less significant than you might think. According to Schumann's research, women report apologising more frequently than men do but it's not because they are more willing or able. It reflects instead a difference of perception, she says. Men just have higher thresholds than women do for what constitutes an apology-worthy offence, Schumann found. When that threshold is met, 'they're just as willing'. That is distinct from the stereotype that men are prevented by their ego from apologising, even when they know they're wrong, Schumann points out. For one study, she asked (straight, married or cohabiting) couples to each keep a daily diary of apology-worthy offences they either committed or were committed against them. The accounts only aligned 35% of the time. 'It really speaks to the need for people to communicate,' Schumann says. 'The majority of the time we are hurting each other, it's not out of malicious intent.' One way to make your apology more effective is to demonstrate a genuine effort to understand the other person's perspective. Instead of assuming you know how they feel, Schumann says, ask questions. 'Open the space for learning about each other.' All the experts agree apologising can be agonising even for the most apologetic, empathetic person. It doesn't help that we don't often get to see it modelled well. Most public apologies tend to be about PR rather than real remorse. Leaders are actually taught to deflect responsibility. And, though parents might fight in front of their children, they often make up in private. When Ingall and McCarthy started writing Sorrywatch, in 2012, their focus was on making fun of celebrities' non-apologies. The project became more civic-minded post-Trump. 'We wanted to show that an apology is really an act of strength.' A good apology, after all, demands vulnerability: it is an admission that we failed to live up to our own and shared standards, Ingall says. But it's also a tool by which we can repair bonds, strengthen them and show how much they mean to us. 'Should you ever apologise if you're not sorry? Sometimes – if you value the relationship more than being right.'
