Splitting the check creates rift between wife and son
CONFUSED DAD
A.
Dating is about finding a person who shares one's values and vision for life. One of your son's values is, apparently, sharing expenses at a certain point. This is totally fine.
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Dates can be expensive. My mother used to say, 'Romance without finance is a nuisance,' and I always remembered that when I wanted to go on a date but my pockets were a little light.
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Your son and the woman weren't compatible in their views about paying for the date. That doesn't make him or your wife right. He was doing what works for him and openly communicating with his date about it. One hopes that he'll find someone who shares that value and has no problem splitting the check.
Q.
My sister stopped speaking to me because I didn't attend the wedding of her daughter, my niece.
Every year I purchase very expensive seats for my husband and I to attend a two-day concert, for Father's Day. The wedding was planned on one of these days. We chose to continue our tradition.
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When my sister found out, she called me screaming and brought up things she'd been holding on to for years. As always, most of this was fabricated and not true.
There are many issues in my family. I have been on a healing journey from cancer, other health and ancestral trauma, and so on.
She is 70 and I'm 75 years old. I want to live in peace and love for the rest of the life I have left. I feel free from family drama. My small immediate family is a blessing. My health, family, and loving friends come first.
My niece and I have a good relationship. We had dinner before the wedding, and I met her husband. I am not worried about that.
Although I think of my sister often, I reflect on the family drama, and feel relieved that I am not in it anymore. We are senior citizens and should be enjoying our life.
What do you think?
WANT PEACE AND LOVE
A.
Honestly, your letter had me in the first half. I thought, 'You can't skip the concert for one year?' But this isn't really about the wedding. Your niece seems to be fine with it, from your telling. So, even if your sister had bruised feelings about your choice, it isn't really her fight.
What appears to be happening here is that this event is just another inflection point in an ongoing conflict. Sometimes we're in conflict with people, but sometimes they just have conflicts with us. That's the issue here.
If she's bringing up issues she's had with you for years, then the wedding was just an excuse. If part of your healing journey has been setting a healthy boundary, then you should keep that boundary and not engage in further back and forth with your sister.
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You wrote that you want peace. Peace can always be a shared goal, but if she's not willing or interested in working toward it with you, you can step back with love.
Q.
I use the exercise room in my apartment. So does a neighbor who has a body odor so strong that when he is there — or has been there in the previous few hours — I open the window, turn on the fan, prop the door open, and wear a mask.
There is no staff to complain to. I feel that saying something to him would be crossing a line. Help!
WORKOUT WOES
A.
Although a conversation is the most direct route, it might be uncomfortable and could create a tense situation for you in the building.
Because the space has no oversight, take the reins by posting a community note on the door or in the room that acknowledges the gym is a stuffy space and requests that everyone should air out the gym during workouts and practice community-minded hygiene. (Think of the signs at pools that instruct swimmers to shower beforehand).
Now, this depends on a level of self-awareness that your neighbor may not possess. But, short of talking to him, your next best bet is reminding him — and everyone else — that this is a shared space.
R. Eric Thomas can be reached at
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