Trigger warning! My top 20 children's classics that need a rewrite

Times

24-06-2025

As nursery rhymes go, Hickory Dickory Dock has been cruising for a trigger warning for some time. 'The clock struck one,' for example, is clearly gratuitous violence and the fact that the mouse is inside, running up the clock, points to dubious domestic hygiene. Now, a London theatre putting on a glove puppet performance of the classic nursery rhyme has warned parents about a new scene 'with some tension where a cat chases a mouse'. This does indeed sound terrifying, and proof that Tom and Jerry have had their day. However, it is not as triggering as many other childhood classics, so here are my top 20 in urgent need of a rewrite.
Humpty Dumpty. Trigger warnings: health and safety, inadequate risk management. Suggested edit:Humpty Dumpty sat on the floor, Humpty Dumpty did not have a fall.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Trigger warnings: gluttony, sloth. Suggested edit: Augustus Gloop wins the Golden Ticket, which is a year's supply of Ozempic.
Charlotte's Web. Trigger warning: death, spiders. Suggested edit: Charlotte, a cute puppy, strikes up a friendship with a kitten and lives happily ever after.
Mr Bounce. Trigger warnings: uncontrolled bouncing. Serious health and safety concerns. Mr Bounce does not wear a helmet. He falls straight through the floor when he gets out of bed, because his anti-bounce boots are so heavy. Suggested edit to include the importance of not jumping out of bed without checking the floor offers adequate structural support.
Winnie-the-Pooh. Trigger warning: sugar addiction. Suggested edit: instead of eating too much 'hunny' and getting stuck in Rabbit's House, Pooh will join a Parkrun round the Hundred Acre Wood.
Where the Wild Things Are. Trigger warnings: monsters roaring their terrible roars so close to bedtime may cause nightmares. Issues with appropriate punishment and verbalising anger. Suggested edit: the monsters talk openly and calmly about the ups and downs of their day. Max encourages them to speak honestly about their mental health and offers tips for channelling roars in a more positive direction.
• 'Trigger toolkit' for museums comes with its own warning
Alice in Wonderland. Glorifies drug use. Normalises hallucination and being off your head. Suggested edit: Alice doesn't drink the bottle marked 'drink me'. The End.
Fairytales: Snow White (food poisoning), Rapunzel (false imprisonment), Dumbo (name-calling, anti-big ear sentiment). Bin them all.
Beatrix Potter: endlessly problematic. Tom Kitten (fat-ism), Jemima Puddleduck (false imprisonment), Two Bad Mice (not bad, just misunderstood), Mrs Tiggy-Winkle (labour relations, fair pay), Samuel Whiskers (vicious anti-rat sentiment throughout). Suggested edit: Samuel Whiskers befriends Tom Kitten and together they plan nutritious meals without suet. Or pudding.
The Water Babies (child exploitation, drowning). Suggested edit: Tom puts on armbands before jumping in the river. Possible new chapter on the benefits of cold water swimming.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Trigger warnings: malnutrition, out-of-body experiences. Suggested edit: the caterpillar learns the importance of portion control and eating your five a day. Caterpillar could also live in permanent state of arrested development until 8+ age group.
The Magic Faraway Tree. Trigger warnings: sexism, misogyny, outdated stereotypes of travelling salesmen. Suggested edit: the Saucepan Man becomes the Saucepan Person, Silky to become a male fairy, the Angry Pixie rejects traditional pixie stereotypes and identifies as the Zen Pixie.
The Wind in the Willows (glorifies speeding and dangerous driving, possible climate change denial). Suggested edit: Mr Toad buys a bike.
Watership Down. Trigger warnings: are you kidding me? Have you read it?
Amid all the excitable scientific chatter about life on Mars, or the moon, or wherever we're supposed to be going when we balls up Earth, I'm glad that some scientists are focusing on the most important thing of all, which is tea. There is no point living anywhere without a good brew, so hats off to the British researchers who are seeing if the type of Camellia — who knew? — that gives us tea can survive in space. I can't get out of the house in the morning without a cup of tea, and I don't intend to try on Mars, so fingers crossed they succeed before the gate closes.
• UK scientists grow tea in moon soil, for an out of this world brew
I note also that they're not trying to grow coffee up there, and quite right too. Filthy stuff. Besides, I imagine we'll all need to pack light for outer space and that means appliances that multitask. My kettle beats your Nespresso machine hands down. I've seen the future and it's Twining's.
So the memorial to Queen Elizabeth is to take the form of a translucent bridge in St James's Park, modelled on the magnificent tiara that she wore on her wedding day. It looks better than it sounds and it seems like a lovely idea, but alas, that's not all.
• Queen Elizabeth's horseback memorial will watch over the Mall
The memorial committee has also commissioned a statue of Queen Elizabeth with Prince Philip, a new gate, a wind sculpture, whatever a wind sculpture might be, and another sculpture nearby of the late Queen mounted on a horse. Why are there so many? Why are they all in London, not scattered around the country? And why, even more bizarrely, are they all in the same park in London?