"My Parents Didn't Really Want To Be Parents": People Are Sharing Why This Generation Of Grandparents 'Sucks,' And It's Pretty Nuanced If I'm Being Honest

Yahoo

2 days ago

Parenting styles have changed over time, but so have the ways that grandparents involve themselves in the lives of their grandchildren. This certainly isn't every grandparent —most would love to be part of their grandchildren's lives, yet it seems that there are a lot of grandparents these days who simply do not want to carry that responsibility.
One person shared their feelings in the r/Parenting subreddit with a post titled, "This generation of grandparents sucks." In it, they pointed out how their own grandparents were so much more involved in their lives vs. how their parents seem to approach grandparenthood.
The post reads: "You shouldn't expect anything from your parents in terms of babysitting (even in a pinch). They raised their kids. They owe you nothing. I've heard it all, and it doesn't sit well with me for one reason: In general, the previous generation of grandparents helped with their grandkids so much."
The user continued, "Basically, our parents had lots of help, but they didn't have to help us at all. Generation A) helped Generation B) with their grandchildren whenever they could. Generation B became grandparents themselves, but tells Generation C) to go screw; they owe us nothing. They can be healthy and retired and spend all day watching The View. Can someone please explain to me how/when this cultural shift took place and why it's justified?"
In another entirely different post, titled "Boomer Grandparents are Useless," another user spelled out their grievances with their parents.
"I know people have ranted about this before, but I need to vent about my typical boomer parents. Growing up, I have so many memories with my grandmother (my grandfather died young). She taught me to sew, bake, garden, and spend endless hours in her yard playing. So many sleepovers. And my mom didn't work. She took me shopping and to visit her cottage. Now that I have my children, my parents don't even visit. They have visited probably 5 times in 3 years, and they live 20 minutes away. And it's just sitting on the couch, being bored. No help at all. They do not work and are retired. They claim this time is for them only, and they have already put their work in. I honestly despise the boomer generation."
Both posts sparked plenty of dialogue between users. Some felt the sentiment and related heavily to the seemingly strained relationship that they and their kids have with their parents. But at the same time, many people didn't believe this was a "boomer vs. younger generations" conversation, but a case-by-case situation. I've rounded up 16 of the responses, and I must say, there's plenty of eye-opening commentary regarding what many feel is a generational difference:
Note: these responses have been edited and condensed for clarity.
1."In my case, my parents didn't really want to be parents. They had kids because that's just what you did: graduated high school, got married, had kids — in that order. We were always at my grandparents' houses because they didn't wanna deal with us, so for parents that didn't want to be parents, they surely do not want to be grandparents."
"On the other hand, my in-laws, who loved being parents, are always wanting to see their grandson. They always offer to take him for a few hours, bought a stroller because they love going on walks together, and eagerly talk about when he's old enough for sleepovers. They even check in on our son's fave foods so they have it on hand when he's going to come over (like fruits and veggies)."
—u/there_but_not_then
2."Because in the past, the grandparents lived very near to their kids, and some even shared the same house. Now, many people move to bigger cities for opportunities. Also, a lot of grandparents still work."
—u/Polite_user
"This. I'm 53, and my daughter is turning 27 next month, so I could easily be a grandmother at this point. I have 13 more years of working a full-time job before I can retire. My husband and I are also doing a lot of traveling, which we put off for years until our kid was out of the house and living independently. I would be up for the occasional evening or overnight, but I can't provide anything resembling childcare until after 5 p.m."
—u/formercotsachick
3."It seems to be a big divide. For example, my mother lives seven minutes away, and we never see her. My ex-husband's grandparents (who raised him) live close by too, and they have the kids at least one night a week unless they have a trip planned."
"It seems to me that those who were good parents tend to be good grandparents, and those who were not good parents tend to be bad grandparents. We shouldn't expect different, but the child in us probably will always hope for better."
—u/ThrowRAsleeplessmama
4."Also, our generation is having kids way later in life (30+). My grandmother raised me, but she was 50 when I was born. My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and having young toddlers is really tiring for them."
—u/FrenchynNorthAmerica
5."Yeah, I came to say something similar. People are having kids later and later in age. My parents were in their mid/late 60s when I had my first, and now my dad is early 70s with my second. They can't be running around, bending over to pick up a 20lb baby. They nap more than the kids do! So partially, I blame myself for not having kids younger, but I needed to wait until I was ready. My parents probably would have been more willing and able to take care of the kids if they were younger. When you're talking about baking/sewing/sleepovers, etc., that would mean my youngest would be at least like 5, and my dad would be 78. Not gonna happen!"
—u/177stuff
6."In my case, my mother is retired and lives close by. And people still say, 'Oh well, she owes you nothing."
—u/ThinParamedic7859
7."It's a bigger cultural thing than just child-raising. I consider my parents and my in-laws an extension of my family. I am the highest earner in our extended family. I consider it my responsibility to take care of all of them. If anyone runs out of money in retirement, what's mine is theirs. I am prepared to buy a home with an in-law suite available in case someone needs to move in with us. When my father-in-law was sick and eventually passed, we took hours multiple times each week to help care for him and take care of the house. We help my mother-in-law at least once a week with chores, etc."
"In return, our parents help us with our kids. We always have babysitting available. They stay with our kids if we want to take a vacation. They take the kids if we're sick and need a break. They have helped pay for extracurricular activities when we didn't have much money of our own."
—u/kyamh
8."As much as it irritates me when everyone blames my generation (millennial) for all the world's worst, I find it irritating when all boomers are blamed for things too. Shifts in social expectations have occurred because of circumstances. Boomers tend to be older grandparents. They tend to still be working."
"My in-laws were very hands-on when my stepdaughter was a baby, but not with my son. But they were 55-year-old grandparents the first time. They're 70 with their second. And my parents aren't yet retired, though they are pushing 70. That's very different than where my grandparents were when I was little.
But I do agree with the comment that this isn't a generational thing, this is a situation with your particular parents."
—u/lizardjustice
9."Yes, I agree! My parents are winter birds and they will be traveling back 'home' through my state in April, but it's the exact time we're on vacation. They keep complaining that they can't see us during that time. I have three kids, and this vacation has been planned for months and months (during spring break). When I asked them if they could just leave Florida the week before (they own a condo there) and come visit us, all they said was that they don't want to. *Eye roll*"
—u/hungry_babypro
10."I don't know, my mom is a boomer and she would LOVE to have a closer relationship with her grandkids, but she's terrified of her daughters-in-law thinking she's being intrusive, so she waits to be asked."
"Could it be that boomers are all individuals with their own thoughts and feelings, just like Gen X, millennials, and whatever other generations you could think of?"
—u/whysweetpea
11."I mean, it's their time and money...it is totally up to them what they do with it. My in-laws have visited maybe four or five times in two years, none of our kids have a relationship with them, and honestly, I doubt they'd recognise them on the street. But that's fine, because that's their choice. If they don't want to, they just don't want to."
"I understand your frustration, it does feel like our parents had a ton more help than we do with our kids from family, hell, even friends. But I think we, as a generation, need to just kind of accept that things have changed now and figure out how to build our own communities with our friends."
—u/Arugula-Current
12."We recently moved closer to my parents (a boomer and a Gen X stepmom), and we were told beforehand that my folks would help sometimes, but they would not be available to babysit all that much. Which, okay, they've got their own lives and stuff and we didn't use them for babysitting before we moved, either (we used to live 12+ hours apart)."
"The kids and I see them a few times a week for 20-30 minutes to say hi and catch them up on school, but then we go home. My husband works quite a bit during the week, so he sees them less. My kids have a good relationship with their grandparents, and they enjoy spending time together, but the raising part is on us.
My husband and I do not really ever go out on dates or out by ourselves, and this confuses them, because we could ask them to watch the kids so we could go out. But we were pretty explicitly told that the grandparents wouldn't be available, and they are surprised we believed them, I guess? It does make things a bit awkward, but they set the tone and we just followed what they said."
—u/crknits
13."They can choose how to spend their time, but grandparents who choose not to have relationships with their grandchildren because they see them as 'work' and not as people they want to get to know are shitty grandparents."
"Parents have a right to be hurt by this mentality. It's heartbreaking to have parents who put no effort in when it comes to their grandchildren.
They also almost always get upset that their grandchildren treat them as strangers, when that's what they are. Blood doesn't create a relationship, time together does."
—u/sierramist1011
14."I have kids who have never even met their grandparents. The only reason is that said grandparents are 100% capable of traveling to meet and visit, but refuse to do so. They expect my husband and me to bring the babies 5,500 miles to them. My sister-in-law and her husband have been visiting twice a year since the first one was born. Hell, even my friend who lives 3,000 miles away and isn't genetically related to my kids has come every year."
"Only half my kids' grandparents are part of the boomer generation. My husband's mother was a teen mother and is only a few years older than me, and squarely Gen X.
I don't think it's a generational issue. It's a shitty family members issue."
—u/coyote_zs
15."Because our parents had so much help from our grandparents, our parents really struggle with the kid stuff/grandparenting/parenting in general, especially now that they're older. My guess is our generation (millennials) will be more like our grandparents when our kids have kids. At least I hope."
"There was a reason why our grandparents were called upon to help our parents so much."
—u/losmonroe1
16.Lastly, "One time, I asked my mom if she could keep an eye on my toddler so I could shower. She laughed and told me it was my job, not hers."
"The lady dropped me off at my grandma's several times for years at a time. I didn't really start living with her until I was 10. Maybe a couple of years in between that.
I will never understand her."
—u/Actuallygetsomesleep
Where do you stand on this? Do you think grandparents should be more involved in other grandchildren's lives, or is it a matter of choice? Does age play a factor? Share all your thoughts in the comments.
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