You helped me save my marriage after an office affair almost derailed my life
DEAR DEIDRE: THANK you for helping me begin to put my marriage back together after an affair nearly destroyed everything.
When I first wrote to you, I was ashamed, heartbroken and terrified of what I'd done. I'd had a year-long affair with a married colleague.
It started with flirting and banter at work but quickly became intense and physical. The chemistry between us was undeniable – I felt seen, excited, and alive.
But when I told him I was ready to leave my husband, he panicked. He ended things abruptly, then turned cruel. I was devastated.
Worse still, he began flaunting a new affair with another colleague from my department, all while threatening to expose me.
He said he would tell everyone I was a tart. I felt humiliated, trapped, and stupid for ever trusting him.
Despite the betrayal, I kept quiet. I didn't retaliate or tell anyone what had really happened. But the weight of the lie at home became too much to bear.
I couldn't look my husband in the eye without feeling like a fraud. So I told him everything. He was crushed. He packed a bag, left our home, and stopped speaking to me.
The next time I heard from him, it was via email – he wanted a divorce.
That's when I turned to you.
You helped me see the truth. That my affair was a dead end. That my colleague's cruel behaviour was about control and deflection – not love.
You gave me practical steps to protect myself at work and reassured me that I didn't have to suffer his threats in silence. I spoke to HR, and they supported me more than I ever expected.
Spotting the signs your partner is cheating
But more than that, you gave me hope that maybe I hadn't ruined my marriage forever.
You urged me to try to find a way to reach my husband through a mutual friend if needed, to own my mistakes but also express my desire to rebuild.
You reminded me that while healing wouldn't be easy, trust could be earned again with time, effort and honesty.
Your support pack Cheating – Can You Get Over It? gave me the tools to begin those conversations, and your recommendation of counselling gave us a way to talk when we couldn't find the words ourselves.
It took us a while, but over time our relationship gradually started to strengthen, and now we're in a much better place, slowly rebuilding the trust we lost.
We're not pretending it didn't happen, but we're facing it together, with compassion and effort on both sides.
Thank you for helping me see the truth and for helping me start to put things right.
DEIDRE SAYS: I'm so glad you reached out and shared your story. Affairs are often steeped in shame and secrecy, so it takes real courage to be honest.
Acknowledging what happened and facing the consequences head-on is never easy, but it was the vital first step toward healing.
As painful as your experience has been, your letter is a powerful reminder that healing is possible, even after deep betrayal.
You've shown real strength by facing the consequences of your actions, rather than hiding from them.
Rebuilding trust after infidelity is never easy, but by owning your mistakes and choosing honesty, you gave your marriage a fighting chance.
Your story proves that while affairs may feel thrilling at the time, they often mask deeper emotional problems and end up hurting the people we care about most. But they don't have to define the rest of your life.
With effort, openness and a shared commitment to healing, it is possible to come through the other side stronger.
Ask me and my counsellors anything
Every problem get a personal and private reply from one of my trained counsellors within one working day.
Sally Land is the Dear Deidre Agony Aunt. She achieved a distinction in the Certificate in Humanistic Integrative Counselling, has specialised in relationships and parenting. She has over 20 years of writing and editing women's issues and general features.
Passionate about helping people find a way through their challenges, Sally is also a trustee for the charity Family Lives. Her team helps up to 90 people every week.
Sally took over as The Sun's Agony Aunt when Deidre Sanders retired from the The Dear Deidre column four years ago.
The Dear Deidre Team Of Therapists Also Includes:
Kate Taylor: a sex and dating writer who is also training to be a counsellor. Kate is an advisor for dating website OurTime and is the author of five self-help books.
Jane Allton: a stalwart of the Dear Deidre for over 20 years. Jane is a trained therapist, who specialises in family issues. She has completed the Basic Counselling Skills Level 1, 2, and 3. She also achieved the Counselling and Psychotherapy (CPCAB) Level 2 Certificate in Counselling Studies.
Catherine Thomas: with over two decades worth of experience Catherine has also trained as a therapist, with the same credentials as Jane. She specialises in consumer and relationship issues.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page or email us at:
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
BBC News
39 minutes ago
- BBC News
Flying displays and parades mark Armed Forces Day in Scarborough
Thousands of people attended Armed Forces Day celebrations at Scarborough's South Bay earlier in support of military events at St Nicholas Gardens included marching bands, air displays and parades, while also marking 80 years since the D-Day Hume, MP for Scarborough and Whitby, said the celebrations were a reminder of the importance of the armed said: "It is a very uncertain time, as a government we're looking to spend more on defence. "The world is shifting on its axis so today is an important reminder that it's not just about the past, it's about keeping our country safe today."Some people aren't here today and we have to remember them. Others who have served and are here today are a reminder of how much we depend on people to serve so that we can enjoy all the freedoms of democracy." Wing Cdr Toby Steward, station commander at RAF Fylingdales near Pickering said his team were proud to be involved in the said: "It's enormously important because of the incredible efforts that we all know the armed forces are making at the moment here and overseas and I think that sense of recognition adds to the energy."The event included displays from the Norwegian Marching Bands, the City of Hull and Scarborough Royal Air Force Cadets and Starlings Aerobatic Team. Hume said she had attended the parades before, but it was her first year attending as MP for the town."We do a really good armed forces day in Scarborough, it's great to see the town turn out," she said."I'm incredibly proud to represent a town like this that puts veterans and service personnel at the heart."I always look forward to the parades. I look forward to seeing the Sea Cadets particularly, I've got a soft spot for them. Their parents will be incredibly proud of them." Listen to highlights from North Yorkshire on BBC Sounds, catch up with the latest episode of Look North.
The Sun
an hour ago
- The Sun
Tesco is selling a £6.99 buy that'll get rid of pesky flies in seconds, and it's completely chemical-free too
WHEN you spend long summer days in the garden, keeping pesky flies and mosquitos at bay is a top priority. Fortunately, there are many great repellent options available if you're tired of the constant buzzing by your ears. 3 3 However, for pest control that also makes your outdoor space look better, it's worth considering adding a special plant that will kill the unwelcome visitors. Most of us have heard that adding basil or rosemary to the greenery works wonders. But turns out, there's another plant worth snapping up from your local Tesco - the Venus Fly Trap. The ultimate natural pest control is this carnivorous plant that captures pesky insects and spiders in its claw-like, clamshell-shaped leaves. Once the pest has been trapped, the plant snaps them shut, and then "eats" its unsuspecting prey by releasing digestive enzymes. While these plants are certainly fascinating and entertaining to watch, the Venus Fly Trap requires rather specific conditions. For best results, you should plant it outside for full sun - however, if that's not an option, you can keep it on a sunny windowsill with an additional artificial light nearby. The fly-munching trap also likes wet soil, meaning if in a pot, its roots must always be sitting in water. As the plant can't handle hard water that comes from most taps in the UK, it's strongly advised to keep it hydrated with distilled or clean rainwater. If the trap is unable to catch food on its own, green-fingered Brits should keep it fed with insects, blood worms, or fish food. The 2C method which stops flies plaguing your home and ruining your BBQ Keen to see whether this chemical-free solution works? Shoppers can snap up Venus Fly Trap in a Tin from Tesco for just £6.99, order it from Amazon for £13.99 or buy it from their local B&Q on sale for £16.35. One person who was recently amazed by how well the plant worked was Irish lass and TikToker Hannah Tuite - her plant caught a fly just an hour after purchasing it. ''Wasn't expecting this to work, let alone so quick,'' she told fellow social media users in the now-viral video. Why do flies come out in summer? Flies are present all year round, but all of a sudden when summer comes, they are just EVERYWHERE! The main contributing factors are the breeding cycle of flies and the soaring temperatures. Insects are cold blooded and in summer, when their body temperature rises from the external heat, they become more active. The hotter weather also let's them seek out cool moist spots, like inside your home, to escape from the sweltering heat and to lay their eggs. House Fly eggs take around 20 hours to hatch, but when the temperature rises above 37 degrees, can hatch within 8 hours! In extreme hot weather the eggs can mature from larvae to adult fly in as little as four days. The average lifespan of a housefly is 21 days, so each female can lay up to 900 eggs during the summer months! However, if you're on the lookout for a less barbaric option, the stunning lavender works a treat too - and it will leave your garden smelling amazing. Although lavender is one of the most beloved scents for humans, flies can't stand the scent of it. Therefore, if you plant the fragrant flower near the entrance to your home or on the windowsill, it will act as a barrier against flies. Plus, lavender also attracts bees, which will give your garden a wildlife boost. lavender plant for just £3.79. The bargain bloom will be available at stores across the UK from June 12, so flower fans had better set their alarms to be in with the chance of snagging the product.
Times
an hour ago
- Times
How do I grow a climber on my house?
I want to start growing a climber over the back of my 1890s end-of-terrace house. Do you have any tips for choosing one that doesn't need too much attention? I'm leaning towards a wisteria or a Virginia creeper. What do I need to know? Any tips for when to plant, how to prune and so on? Also, I'm a tad worried that planting a climber close to a house could cause damage to the property. Is this something I should be concerned about? Jennifer Way, London Climbers fall into two camps: 'self-clingers' that stick like Spider-Man to walls, and 'scramblers' that require the support of wires, trellis or a tree to clamber skywards. The latter is the only choice if your bricks and mortar are crumbly — scramblers will clad, not cling, to a wall's surface. Wires, held proud of the wall on loop-head screws (commonly known as vine eyes) are the most economical and least visible supports. Space 45cm apart across the scrambling chocolate vine (Akebia quinata), for example — its summer flowers have a vanilla aroma. Or passion flower can be planted at the base and left to it. If you're prepared to prune twice a year and wait a few seasons, wisteria will bring bags of cottage garden charm. There are lots of excellent varieties including whites and pinks but if it's a classic violet you're after, strongly scented 'Amethyst' is excellent. Always buy wisteria labelled as 'grafted' because these plants come into bloom more quickly and have better flowers than cheaper seed-grown equivalents. If your wall is sound, self-clingers like trumpet vine (Campsis radicans) will add a tropical touch and zingy orange summer flowers. Hydrangea seemannii is classy and cool with white blooms and large lustrous leaves that stay evergreen in most city gardens. Unless you're good on a ladder avoid Virginia creeper and Boston ivy, which will be over your roof if left unchecked. You can plant climbers now provided you keep the soil well-watered through summer. They won't damage foundations or the wall provided you plant 60cm away from the wall with the top angled towards the brickwork. Toby Buckland, presenter of Gardeners' World, Woman dusting heating radiator with a duster at home, copy space GETTY I'm spring-cleaning. What's the best way to get the dust out from behind a radiator? DB Wrap a cloth in rough gathers around a bamboo stick and either tie or tape it in place. Then work gently up and down and sideways against the wall and radiator. A feather duster or nozzle attachment of a vacuum cleaner might be sufficient. Rosemary Morton Jack, Oxfordshire Long narrow brushes do the job. You can find them at Lakeland. Hannah Colton, London I found the best way is to use a hairdryer to blow air at the highest speed from the top of the radiator downwards. Then just vacuum the embarrassingly large amount of dust that comes out of the bottom. Anne Duncan I bought shisha pipe cleaners in the Middle East for this. They work brilliantly. In the UK, try or other online suppliers. Sarah T What is the best dog hair vacuum cleaner? My old one is kaput. Advice please. KB Send tips and questions to homehelp@ Advice given without responsibility
