Transferrable Faith
Trey revisits a conversation with Farrell on how faith and humility are fostered through understanding, community and the possibility of a better tomorrow.
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Yahoo
3 hours ago
- Yahoo
Straight Women Share The Exhausting Reason They Are Stepping Away From Dating Men
Ava, 27, seemed unbothered by her partner's inability to communicate his emotions. 'We have enough to think about,' she told me as she slid her laptop out of her tote bag, still dressed in her tweed blazer from work. It wasn't serious, anyway. She'd been dating Max for a few months when it struck her — mid-conversation with a friend — that she had no idea what he felt about her or their future. So she stopped asking. There was a time, she said, when she would've tried harder. Sara, 21, recalled sitting on her bed while her boyfriend begged her to hear him out. He wasn't remorseful for cheating, he just no longer wanted to sit with his shame. 'I was done,' she said. And yet, he expected her to comfort him. 'I had to help him find the words for his feelings, not his actions,' — long silences, teasing through shame and self-hatred. 'He didn't know what he wanted to say,' she said. 'And then I made him feel OK about it'. These stories reflect a shift among young women in which more and more of them are 'quiet-quitting' these relationships. Women are now 23% less likely to want to date than men, not because they don't care, but because they feel they've invested too much emotional labor without support in return. Mind The (Emotional Intelligence) Gap In intimate relationships, young women are taking on a disproportionate load of invisible emotional labor, often supporting men through intense feelings of failure and isolation from friends. Many men described feeling 'weird or like a waste of time' when opening up to male friends, instead reserving vulnerability for their relationships with women. While men consider this unburdening to women a 'natural part' of their relationships, those same women describe it as work— what researchers at Stanford University call 'mankeeping.' Over the past two years, I've interviewed dozens of young men and women about their relationships. What's emerged is a sense that women are absorbing the emotional fallout of a crisis they didn't create. The anxieties surrounding what it means to be a man in 2025 should matter to everyone. They're reshaping not just our politics, but the very fabric of how women and men interact — shaping how we love, how we vote, and whether we can build a future together at all. Telling the other side of the 'masculinity crisis' is key to solving it. The crisis is especially acute for younger men — with two-thirds reporting that 'no one really knows them.' Christopher Pepper, co-author of Talk To Your Boys, notes that Gen Z is the first generation to rely mostly on their phones to communicate. 'There's no responsibility for what's on the receiving end [of online communication],' he said, with online spaces often devolving into slurs and death threats 'that wouldn't be acceptable in other situations.' For the 60% of men who engage with masculinity influencers, friendship itself is evolving: ambition, wealth and popularity are prioritized over trust. In individualist countries like the U.K. and U.S., this shift is more pronounced — perhaps owed to the glamorization of lone-wolf masculinity, in which vulnerability is discouraged. When 'The Costs Of Caring' Are Too Much Meanwhile, young women are rejecting patriarchal expectations that previous generations internalized. Once expected to shoulder emotional labor as a normal part of relationships, they are now more aware of the 'costs of caring,' including suppressing their own needs. They're less inclined to date, with 56% saying 'it's hard to find someone who meets their expectations,' compared to 35% of men. From 'I'm Not Your Therapist' to 'I'm literally Joan Baez,' Gen Z women are resisting the notion of offering up too much to men. While some women told me that men without emotional fluency are unattractive, others hesitate to expect it, fearing they'll be labelled 'controlling'. Several women I spoke with expressed concern over how dating men affects their economic futures. The role of women as invisible drivers of men's success isn't new, but with young people struggling to find jobs at unprecedented rates, it's taken a new form. From job hunting to burnout, 'women tend to provide increased emotional support to men who do not have it elsewhere.' Mankeeping is typically tied to thinner social networks, but for Gen Z, it's more about men's inability to share their struggles with other men. All men I spoke with felt they couldn't be as honest about their jobs with their male friends. In contrast, most young women I interviewed described how stepping in during'unsettled times' negatively impacted their work and well-being. This labor has become an invisible workplace obstacle, as instant communication has erased the natural boundaries that once separated work and emotional caregiving. COVID-19 only exacerbated these dynamics, with many surprised by how quickly they 'played house' during lockdown — over-focusing on their partner's needs instead of their own. A default response learned in their teens and early 20s, it's been challenging to unlearn. Some have gone further: writing partner's college essays, preparing scholarship presentations, coaching them on job interviews. In some cases, their partners actively diminished their career success. 'When he heard where I worked, he looked at me predatorily,' one woman said. He later pressured her to refer him to her company, convincing her it would be best for their relationship. Some men seek proximity to success without realizing the toll it takes on their self-esteem. A Job Women Didn't Sign Up For Broader beliefs about gender equity are shaping how much support partners expect — and feel entitled to — from each other. Women feel as though men aren't doing enough to support gender equality, whereas 60% of men believe they're expected to do too much. The stereotype suggests that women require more support in relationships, but Gen Z's 'emotion work' — the labor required to bridge the gap between expectations and reality — is especially stark in a generation that expects so much of young men while providing them limited support. Across hundreds of hours of interviews, distinct forms of emotional labor have emerged — confirming what researchers have long observed: Women are more often expected to carry this emotional load in relationships. Like Ava, many women are stepping back from this distinct form of work, from dating, and from committed relationships. They report that dating is harder than 10 years ago, and are twice as likely as men to cite physical and emotional risk as reasons why dating has become more challenging — 62% of single women report they're not looking to date at all, compared to 37% of men. Even before entering relationships, a young woman is likely to have experienced emotional and physical abuse. Among teenage girls, 80% report that sexual assault is 'normal and common' in their friendship groups — before they even finish high school. About half of Gen Z women report feeling disrespected by men, compared to 18% of men; 42% of women report being pressured into sex on a date, and intimate partner abuse has now been cited as an indicator of attitudes that underpin extreme violence. Both these realities might partially explain why young men are dating less than previous generations. Gen Z men are more than twice as likely as Boomers to report that they didn't have a significant other as teenagers, and women are increasingly opting to date older men to avoid having to 'mother' their significant other. 'Unless you're really in love,' one Gen Z woman told me, 'then it's not your problem if they're not emotionally available.' Millennials have a different lens: 'It's a feminism thing,' Becca, 31, told me. 'But also a way of processing the outsized support we gave them' — a kind of paying it forward to another woman's future boyfriend. The more women are left to shoulder the burden of the masculinity crisis, the more likely they are to withdraw. But the more they do, the more boys feel rejected. Loneliness leaves boys vulnerable to voices that reframe their abandonment. One in six boys aged 6-15 have a positive impression of Andrew Tate, and across 30 countries, Gen Z men are 30% more conservative than other generation has a gender divergence — social and political — at this scale. If we want to interrupt this spiral, we must stop asking women to keep absorbing the damage. We need to offer boys a healthier model of masculinity that speaks to their needs — but doesn't come at girls' expense. That means listening to why women are pulling away and creating pathways for boys to grow without leaning on women. A recent survey exploring young men's health in a digital world, 55% of the young men who watch masculinity influencers believe that women don't care about men. My research shows that women do care. They just want relationships that don't lean on traditional gender roles. Meanwhile, boys deserve better than a culture that mocks their confusion without showing them a path through it. That path begins with both sides recognizing what the other is carrying — and letting go of narratives that cast boys as aggressors before they even reach adolescence. Instead, as Pepper puts it, it's 'fine to give boys and men some homework.' This homework begins with fostering self-awareness, emotional literacy and responsibility for your actions. What Men Can Do To Fix It Men often lack these emotional skills precisely because they've rarely been expected — or permitted — to develop them. Instead, young women have been tasked with practicing and perfecting emotional labor. Traditional masculine norms like pride often keep men from extending their expressions of vulnerability beyond the comfort of romantic relationships. Many fear that admitting they're overwhelmed will diminish their self-worth. Emotional fluency will take practice. And because expectations of manhood haven't evolved as quickly as those for women, that practice must be met with patience. Our understanding of masculinity must also shift to make space for emotional connection between men. Vulnerability is often taught by women and associated with intimacy — leaving little room to express it in male friendships. But men need friendships grounded in trust, mutual honesty and shared vulnerability. Nearly every man I spoke to said his male friendships left him feeling worse about himself. This not only deprives men of the full range of support they need in tough times, but limits nuance in emotionally complex situations. As several male interviewees pointed out, their friends were often quick to 'hate' or 'blame' women after breakups. Instead of emotional language that deepens the gender divide, it can instead be used to bridge it, helping men move through hurt with reflection and toward growth. Finally, we need to redefine what it means for men to be a 'provider.' Caring for others should be central to what masculinity can mean. We must also rethink what it means to 'protect,' as many men I spoke to believed withholding their emotions was a form of care. Dating teaches us many things: how to take emotional risks, how to fail, how to communicate. Above all, relationships teach us how to be vulnerable. But with 29% more men than women in Gen Z currently single, a gender skills gap will only continue to widen. As more women step back from relationships, many men may never get the chance to learn. Those who took on this homework — who shared their burdens with friends, practiced self-awareness and showed up with emotional fluency — weren't just more attractive to the women they dated. They also became better partners. If we are to love each other, masculinity has to evolve to hold that vulnerability, for everyone's sake. Related... Men Are Trimming Their Eyelashes To Be Shorter, And The Reason Is Baffling Opinion: Jerry Seinfeld And Conservatives Want To Make America Masculine Again — And It's Destroying Men My Family Needs Me For Everything — And I Never Saw The Emotional Fatigue From That Coming Why Men Are Bad At Friendship (And What To Do About It)
Yahoo
4 hours ago
- Yahoo
Lopez: For older Palisades fire evacuees, starting over is a bit bumpy, with a soft landing
Joe and Arline Halper loved their house, their neighborhood and their lifestyle in Pacific Palisades, and the plan was to stay there indefinitely. Even as Joe hit 95 and Arline approached 89, neither of them thought of themselves as old, and Arline had no appetite for moving to what she called an age-specific setting. Such as a retirement community. Then came the fire, which destroyed their house and much of the Palisades. So where do they live now? In a 175-unit retirement community. Arline said their sons were familiar with Avocet in Playa Vista, which offers both independent and assisted living with on-site care for those who need it, and loads of amenities including a rooftop swimming pool and fitness center, a bar, a movie theater and daily meals for those who'd rather not turn on the stove. The Halpers checked it out five months ago. They moved in. They're adapting. 'Now that I'm here I feel differently,' said Arline, a former teacher. 'We have a lovely apartment…and people are very warm and friendly.' One big advantage: There's no danger of the isolation that's epidemic among older adults. But communal living takes some getting used to, Joe said as we had lunch in the common dining room a few days ago with three other Palisades evacuees who relocated to Avocet. 'You could be having dinner or breakfast, whatever, and people will come over and stand over you and talk to you,' he said. 'It's total sociability here. And caring, too. But it's just exhausting.' Read more: After the fires, starting from scratch in their 70s, 80s and 90s And yet. Joe, who worked in parks administration and served until recently as an L.A. recreation and parks commissioner, goes to the gym on the top floor of the building, where he works out with weights one day and swims the next. Restaurants and shopping are within walking distance. Arline has taken up pickleball in the nearby park. And the bottom line is this: Transitions can be difficult at any age, and especially so the older you get. But there's life after the Palisades, and it's a pretty good deal if you can afford it. 'This place is not cheap,' said Bill Klein, 94, a former UCLA law professor. Bill and his wife, Renee, 85, were buddies with the Halpers in the Palisades (where Renee and Arline were longtime volunteers for the Library Association). They all said that having the close company of good friends at a time of loss and rebirth has been a big help, even as Joe and Bill nurse lingering bitterness about the chaotic evacuation and rapid spread of the fire that upended their lives. Renee, a former social worker, said she'd already begun thinking that their ocean-view Palisades home of 54 years had become too much to take care of. Unlike the Halpers, their house survived the January fire, but the neighborhood was incinerated and they're not going back. 'This was in the back of my mind, but it was not anything we were planning at the moment,' she said. 'We had a disagreement on that,' Bill said. 'I was not inclined to come to a place like this.' Bill glanced across the dining room and spoke plainly. 'Look around,' he said. 'There's a lot of old people here with their walkers and it's not a lively place, except in a forced way, in my sense of it. I think that people here try very hard to deny that they're living in an old folks home.' That's not a judgment of Avocet, or of the people. It's more of a comment on the compromise that aging imposes. Bill said he and Renee once visited her mother's retirement home, and he couldn't hide what he was thinking. Read more: Six months after the fires: 'We have lost a lot. We never lost each other.' 'Don't let them grab me and keep me here,' he told Renee. But Bill knows he's fighting the inevitable. 'I had to concede that I belonged here,' he said. 'But I didn't like it.' He's coming along, though. What he does like, Bill said, is 'pushing weights around' in the gym and swimming in the pool. 'I've made a good life for myself here,' he conceded, saying that he's devouring a stack of books, mostly nonfiction, including one he just read on Jesse James and another on artificial intelligence. When he runs out of his own books, there's a library off the lobby. And daily video lectures by experts on various subjects. And although Avocet is age-specific, Bill and Arline said, the neighborhood is not. Step outside and you're surrounded by ethnic and generational diversity, with neighbors walking to stores, restaurants and parks. 'You can go across Lincoln and you're in the wetlands,' said Arline. Joining us for lunch was Janet H., 85, another Palisades evacuee. The retired teacher, who asked me not to use her last name for privacy reasons, said her husband was upstairs in their apartment, recovering from an illness that landed him in the hospital for a month. 'This place saved our lives,' said Janet, who had lived in her Palisades home for 53 years. The on-site care offers peace of mind, and in the Palisades, her home was somewhat isolated. At Avocet, Janet said, caring neighbors and staff have been a daily comfort. And that's not even the best part of the package. 'What I'm really happy about is I never have to cook again,' Janet said. As we spoke, a woman of 98 strolled by and greetings were exchanged. A few minutes later, her husband followed after her with a walker. He'd just turned 100. 'And still going,' Arline said. 'Well, the alternative is a little more bleak,' the gentleman responded. To me, as a first-time visitor, Avocet had the feel of a grand resort or a luxury cruise ship. But does it feel like home? I asked. 'You're right,' Arline said. 'We're on a cruise, and we're not landing.' 'But maybe that's where we belong at this time,' said Janet. They belong where they've chosen to be, making the best of it in a year of unfathomable loss and unscheduled reinvention. A bumpy ride, for sure, but Joe made an observation about where they've ended up. 'It's a soft landing,' he said. Sign up for Essential California for news, features and recommendations from the L.A. Times and beyond in your inbox six days a week. This story originally appeared in Los Angeles Times.
CNN
4 hours ago
- CNN
Some of you are bad friends, and that's why you're lonely
FacebookTweetLink Every time I host or attend an event, I'm astounded at how terribly inconsiderate some people are — multiple last-minute cancellation texts or guests who've simply gone MIA have become all too common. It leads me to believe that the measly effort some think they owe their friends these days must be a factor in the growing epidemic of loneliness and lack of community — despite all the research showing how much relationships boost our well-being and longevity. In the United States, 1 in 5 adults said they felt loneliness 'a lot of the day yesterday,' according to an October 2024 Gallup survey. Oddly, the importance of the event doesn't matter — it has happened with Halloween parties, New Year's Eve celebrations, housewarmings, baby showers and even weddings. And I'm not talking about people with legitimate reasons, such as doctors on call. It's those of you — even very good friends — who flake for trivial reasons, seemingly without a second thought. To keep your relationships from deteriorating, experts and my loved ones shared thoughts on why this is happening and how you can avoid being that bad friend. Dropping off food for a sick friend, picking up someone's mail, taking someone to the airport — these things happened frequently when religious congregations, societies and neighborhoods were tightly bound. Many people still want this network, but it seems fewer want or know how to do the work necessary to build it. Chicago-based photographer Rachel Lovely went viral in March for her TikTok video on tips for becoming a 'better villager,' inspired by her mother, who Lovely praised as being 'the No. 1 villager in my life.' 'I saw a quote that said, 'Everyone wants to have a village, but no one wants to be a villager,'' Lovely said in the video. Underneath, the thousands of comments are rife with frustrations about others' refusal to engage, ask for help, help others, stay in touch or be more considerate. For Danielle Bayard Jackson, a women's relational health educator, the question of what we owe friends comes up often in her conversations with clients. 'Obligation, responsibility, duty, inconvenience, commitment — those are not sexy words. But those concepts are inherent to a deep and healthy relationship,' Jackson, director of the Women's Relational Health Institute, said. Not abiding by those values is likely making you a bad friend. Consider the last time a loved one asked you to help them move. Many people dread this request, stressing about the back-and-forth trips, physical labor and time involved. That may be due to the modern culture of outsourcing more labor-based needs to businesses, or to resigning friendship to a pastime, Jackson said. Still, able-bodied people having this attitude baffles me, and I think it needs a serious adjustment. When I help someone move, I'm assisting in closing one chapter of growth and memories, some of which I was present for, and opening the next. I'm helping to save them the cost of hiring movers and speeding up the daunting settling-in process by helping them unpack and put things where they belong. During all that, we're also getting in quality time, creating more memories and probably eating a pizza, too. Isn't all of that worth a little physical strain and a few hours of your weekend? It's also good for me. Helping others is associated with living longer and with a greater sense of purpose, joy, community and belonging, studies have found. These investments in relationships also can boost well-being by improving your mood and self-esteem by making you feel like a valuable person, Jackson said. Nothing beats knowing that when life hits the fan, certain people have my back with actions, not just nice words. It makes us more resilient to stressors, experts said. The timely RSVP — an abbreviation of 'répondez s'il vous plaît,' a French phrase meaning 'please respond' — is a social custom that exists for a reason but seems to be losing importance in some people's minds. A prompt response helps your friend know how much food, extra chairs or supplies they'll need to buy. If you say yes, they know what to look forward to and, if you can't go, what disappointments to process in advance. Canceling last minute or simply not showing up for no good reason communicates that you don't care about or are oblivious to your friend's finances, emotions, energy and time. You're also not realizing that others may do the same, which can shrink the guest list and hurt your friend's feelings. Such was the case at a recent New Year's Eve party hosted by my close friend, whom I'll call Fiona for her privacy. Half the attendees didn't show, even though some of them had actually asked her to host it. She bought decorations, spent $200 on food that respected people's dietary restrictions and ran multiple errands to get everything. The incident sent Fiona back to sixth grade, when she invited all the girls in her class to a sleepover party for her 12th birthday, she said. 'I was so excited, and my mom and I put a lot of thought into invitations and stuff, and only two girls showed up.' The no-shows 'brought me back to that moment of being so disappointed and feeling almost betrayed,' she added. 'Because I'm like, 'OK, I thought you were my friend, and you said you were excited to come to my party, but you didn't, and that really hurt my feelings.' I just felt like 12-year-old (Fiona) again.' A few people had valid excuses, but others didn't even say they could no longer make it. 'If I didn't reach out to see if you were coming, you would not have told me, and that's the biggest issue, because I'm already doing a lot as a host,' Fiona recalled thinking. 'Just put on your big girl or big boy pants and tell me what's going on.' Another loved one of mine, called Lisa for privacy, experienced the same issues at her and her husband's Friendsgiving dinner, her husband's birthday party, their combined housewarming-gender reveal party and their baby shower — crazy, right? 'I think that's partly a post-Covid thing,' she said. 'There's been an increase in people prioritizing their own time or just not seeing social gatherings as important as they used to.' Now, Lisa sees a difference between people who found creative and safe ways to maintain connection no matter the odds during the pandemic, and those who resigned themselves to solitude. Canceling should only happen for emergencies or serious extenuating circumstances, said psychologist Dr. Marisa G. Franco, an associate fellow at the University of Maryland honors program and author of 'Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make — and Keep — Friends.' Waking up on the wrong side of the bed isn't one of those situations. What is a real excuse is when Fiona dropped out of my birthday party the day of because her longtime friend was finally getting a kidney transplant and wanted her there. In our six years of friendship, that's the only time she has done that. Even when you have a less serious complication, you can compromise. When a friend of Fiona's had a birthday celebration on the same day as Fiona and her husband's dating anniversary, Fiona attended the dinner but not the karaoke after-party. Prioritize whether you'll be happy you went over whether you want to go, Franco advised. Honoring your well-being requires you to consider not only your current feelings, but also what's best long-term. Inconsistency isn't honoring your well-being, as it weakens the friendships that are critical for it. 'When I walk into the room and give my friend a hug and they say, 'Oh, I'm so glad that you came; I was really excited to see you' — that means more to me than me staying home and being in my feelings,' Fiona said. Note to the person often on the receiving end of cancellations: Like Fiona did, be honest about how that makes you feel instead of always replying, 'No worries!' Jackson said. Not only is this response dishonest and self-sacrificing; it also enables your friend's inconsiderate behavior and false perception of their importance to you. Before you RSVP, ensure your 'yes' is a thoughtful one, Jackson and Franco said. Don't commit to weeknight pickleball when you anticipate canceling after work. But if you're regularly declining invitations, your time management skills might need work. When I commit to plans, I try to organize my life in ways that help ensure I fulfill that commitment. If I need to write two stories between Wednesday and Sunday, then have nothing done by Saturday and cancel because I need to work, I've failed to protect and value my time with that person. And frequently double-booking yourself as an adult in this digital age makes no sense. Keep a calendar and check it before you RSVP yes. Whenever you realize a mistake, Lisa finds that generally, honoring whatever you first committed to is the most respectful choice. If you're frequently noncommittal or unengaged in your friendships and the reasons why aren't obvious — such as knowing you're socially anxious or that you tend to be selfish — it's time for a deeper assessment. Maybe you're incompatible with your current friends and their interests, values or standards for friendship, and need new friends, Jackson said. Being an absentee friend can also be due to issues that call for therapy — such as low self-esteem, hyper-independence or an avoidant attachment style, or cynicism, all of which can hinder the vulnerability necessary for connection and growth in relationships, sources said. You may be underestimating how much you matter to people, or maybe you don't think you're likable, so you don't respect people who like you. Conversely, self-confidence, trustworthiness and willingness to trust others are three of 13 traits some psychologists have concluded are what make a good friend, Jackson said. After previously having several bad friends, Lisa sometimes still has difficulty trusting her new ones. 'I have to ask myself, 'OK, am I being triggered right now? Is there something I haven't healed from or forgiven? Is somebody actually doing something to me or am I just afraid that something's going to happen again?'' she said. She also tries to consider the facts and quickly ask people about their intentions and feelings instead of making assumptions. It's also important to learn the distinctions between healthy, necessary sacrifice despite the inconvenience or your mood, when sacrifice stems from over-giving or people-pleasing, and when you're being selfish. Boundaries are important, but for some people they've swung so far over to toxically focusing on oneself no matter the impact on others, Franco said. If you feel you're entitled to cancel whenever you want and that you still deserve future invitations, that's not a boundary. It's a selfish desire for permission to act on your whims regardless of how that behavior affects others. Lastly, becoming a better friend may begin with honest conversations, Jackson said. Tell your friends you're trying to be more intentional about friendship and ask how they think you have been doing. If they openly share how you have fallen short, don't take that as an attack or rejection or isolate yourself in shame. Take it on the chin, be grateful for the feedback and view it as an opportunity for growth. While conflict can feel uncomfortable, people wouldn't bring it up if they didn't care about you and their need to feel cherished, not disposable. Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN's Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.
