If I'd been fussy about height, I'd have never have met the love of my life

Telegraph

a day ago

When 6ft 2in Zanna Van Dijk meets someone new, she can predict exactly how the conversation will go.
'People start by pointing out that I am tall,' she says, 'But it is nearly always followed by them guessing how tall my partner is. They usually assume he will be some kind of giant. I enjoy watching their faces when I tell them he is 5ft 9in.'
Van Dijk, 32, and her husband Ant, a currency trader, married last year after meeting on a dating app in 2015.
But the travel blogger says she wouldn't have expected to fall for a man five inches shorter than her – and initially was looking to meet someone taller.
And she's not alone. Last month, dating site Tinder announced it was trialling a height filter – allowing users to filter out potential suitors who they consider to be too short or too tall.
Its arrival was greeted by a flurry of panic-filled social media posts, particularly from shorter than average men. 'Oh god. They added a height filter,' began one Reddit thread. ' It's over for short men,' read another.
'Women do seem obsessed with meeting a taller man'
Van Dijk admits had such a filter existed when she first joined online dating sites in her 20s, she would never have met her spouse – and would have considered him too short.
'A lot of women do seem obsessed with meeting a man taller than them – over 6ft seems to be what most people are looking for,' she says. ' It's what society conditions people to expect.
'I would have absolutely used the height filter had it existed back then, and I wouldn't have met the love of my life.
'I was always very aware that men might not like my height. Friends used to comment on how hard it would be for me to find a boyfriend, because there was an assumption I would never want to date anyone shorter than me. It never really bothered me, but I thought that shorter men wouldn't be interested in dating me.
'When I matched with Ant, I wasn't so much bothered by his height, as worried what he would think about mine.
'We had really clicked while chatting, and I felt I owed it to him to mention my height before we met. I tentatively told him I am 6ft 2in, and I was beyond relieved when he replied saying: 'I don't care'.
'I think it's a bit of a shame that the door to our relationship could have been closed off.'
And although they no longer really notice the height difference between them, they are constantly reminded of it by strangers.
'We are used to people staring,' Van Dijk says. 'When we're together, strangers will often come up to us to point out I am taller than Ant. We don't really get annoyed any more, but we do both find it strange. It's usually people of an older generation who feel they need to comment on the height difference.
'Luckily, Ant is a really confident guy, and he's never going to be upset by comments, or let them affect his self-confidence.
'When we got married last year, I wore flats for my wedding day, but that wasn't because I didn't want to look any taller than I am – I just find them more comfortable.
'I found a lot of men are very self-conscious about their height. I meet a lot of men who dispute my height, because they say they are 6ft 2in, when they clearly aren't as tall as I am.
'Many seem to find taller women quite threatening.'
'Men told me they wanted a shorter girlfriend to feel masculine'
Olivia Pinnock, 35, is 6ft, and agrees she's previously had bad experiences attempting to date tall men, until she met her husband, Saverio, who is 6ft 3in, at a dating event.
Pinnock, from South London, said: 'People think women are the ones who want to be with a man much taller than them, but in my experience, a lot of men are just as preoccupied with being the taller one.
'When I was younger, a lot of tall men told me they would prefer to have a bigger height difference with a potential girlfriend – someone who was two or three inches shorter than them wasn't enough to make them feel masculine.
'I usually dated men shorter than me – it really made no difference to me at all, as I'm more attracted to confidence than height. Friends thought it was a bit ironic that I ended up marrying the only man I've ever dated who was actually taller than me.'
Despite always embracing her height, Pinnock recalls facing comments about how she would struggle to find a boyfriend as a teenager.
'I work in fashion, as a writer and fashion lecturer, so I've always embraced my height. Being 6ft has never stopped me from wearing four inch heels.
'Even as a teen I didn't really find being tall awkward, but everyone always loved to comment on my height.
'People would joke that I needed to carry around a copy of the Yellow Pages, as a nod to the advert in the early 90s where a little boy uses a copy of the directory to be able to kiss a much taller girl.
'My mum always encouraged me to meet a nice tall man – I think it's maybe more of a generational thing. But it honestly didn't bother me either way. I dated men who were around 5ft 8in and it was never an issue.
'When I met Saverio at a dating event in 2016, we hit it off straight away, but I think we would have done whether he was 6ft 3in or 5ft 3in.
'I'd tried dating apps to meet someone before that, and I found the whole thing exhausting. I can imagine that people might be tempted to use the filter just to do anything to try to make it work for them. Deleting the apps and going to in-person singles events was the only thing that worked for me. Then, you're relying more on chemistry, and less on ticking boxes.'
Software engineer Mr Pinnock added: 'I find it hard to relate to men who wouldn't date a woman taller than them. It seems very trivial. Your height isn't something you can change, so you just have to learn to be confident.
'I noticed Olivia was tall when we first met, but her height wasn't really something I ever considered as being important.'
Although Pinnock admits there are some advantages that come with being married to a man who is as tall as she is.
'When we moved in together, in 2017, we hung all our kitchen cupboards a little higher than usual. We find it incredibly useful, but most of our friends struggle to reach them when they come round.'
'Height is not the foundation for a strong relationship'
Furniture is a problem for Holly Brockwell and her fiancé Colin Gulliver.
At 5ft 3in, Brockwell is the average height for a British woman, but at 6ft 3in, games developer Colin stands six inches above the average British man, who measures just 5ft 9in.
'I wouldn't change anything about Colin's height,' Brockwell says. 'But things might be a little easier if we were a more similar height.
'I keep a collapsible stool in each room of our home, because Colin automatically puts everything on the top shelf without thinking, and I can't reach.
'And we had to change all the light fittings when we moved into our home, because they dangled down and Colin would hit his head on them.
'However, he can change the lightbulbs without having to use a ladder, which is handy.
'Because I work odd hours, running a cat sanctuary, we usually sleep in separate rooms, so as not to disturb each other. My bed is about half the size of his, and it is actually nice to have one room with a mirror hung at the right height to be able to see my face in.
'Buying a new car was also a bit of a nightmare. He needs the extra leg room, but I don't want to use a footstool to have to climb in.'
The couple, who have been together three years, met through friends – although both say they would have never considered using a height filter if they were on a dating app.
'I don't really get the obsession with height in the world of dating,' Brockwell adds. 'When we were first introduced, I noticed that he was tall, but I didn't find that a particularly attractive quality; it's just how tall he is.
'Lots of women do find it a big deal though. My single friends jokingly say it's not fair that I've taken such a tall man off the dating scene when I'm not particularly tall.
'Because Colin is so tall, I think it would be quite difficult for him to have dated a woman taller than him before – but we've always agreed that height just really isn't something we'd consider as important when looking for a potential partner.
'Personality and compatibility are much more important to both of us.
'I suppose there's a stereotype that being with a tall man might make women feel particularly feminine, but if Colin ever chivalrously offers me his jacket when I'm cold, I always say no because I worry it would make me look like a small child.
'It's nice that when we have a cuddle, he can rest his chin on the top of my head – but we have to link arms rather than hold hands, so my arms don't get sore.
'Despite our height difference bringing some difficulties, I'd hate to think if we'd been looking for a partner through a dating site that we could have inadvertently filtered each other out.
'Him being taller than me is not the foundation for a strong relationship.'