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ABC News
2 hours ago
- ABC News
The guilt you feel when you can't do more for an aging parent
Every time Jennifer visits her mum in aged care, she leaves with the same feeling. "I come home to a lovely house, and I feel guilty that I'm sitting, laughing while watching TV, and she can't even get someone to turn the channel," the 69-year-old from regional NSW says. Jennifer was caring for her mum, who has dementia, at home for many years. She felt forced to place her in residential care when the system could no longer provide appropriate support for her and her mum. Jennifer, who asked that we not include her surname for privacy, says home services often wouldn't show up, and the funding wasn't covering the level of care her mum needed. "My beautiful mother had been a single mum of three and cared for me until I left home at 20. "She had been a strong woman who worked all her life until aged 80, and I sadly had to place her with strangers. Carer's Australia CEO Annabel Reid says these feelings are common among carers who wish to do more for their aging parents. "They are trying to make the best possible decisions to care for other people. "They often feel guilty about 'are they doing the right thing?'" Carers may also face other barriers that mean they can't give the support they would like to, Ms Reid says, such as time or logistical constraints, other responsibilities, like caring for children, and inflexible workplaces. "They are key challenges that make it hard for the carer to do the best job they can." Jennifer's mum came to live on her property in a separate dwelling when she was 80 years old. Ten years later, she moved into the main home with Jennifer and her husband after falling and fracturing her hip. "I was working full-time, rescuing animals, dealing with some of my husband's health issues, and caring for mum. "Then we had the floods." Jennifer says it was a tough time. She was getting up several times a night to help her mum to the toilet. She hadn't been away from the property for years. But Jennifer says she would still be doing it today if she could. She's one of three siblings but the only one involved with her mum's care, and says the in-home aged care system let her and her mum down. "There would be days you would make arrangements, like 'I'll go into work today', then [a support] worker wouldn't turn up. "You find it very hard to run your life at all with some certainty." Jennifer travels to her mum's residential care 80 kilometres away three times a week to visit and provide additional support. But the guilt remains. "She was walking when she went in 18 months ago. Now she's gained 10 kilograms, and her cognitive decline has [been noticeable]," Jennifer says. It's common for carers to feel like they can't give everyone and everything in their life the attention needed, says Ms Reid. "Being a carer comes with a lot of stress — there is administration on behalf of the other person, as well as physical care. "We know lots of carers care for more than one person. They are often stretched across multiple people." Ms Reid says the caring load takes its toll. "We often hear from carers that they are placing themselves last. Their own well-being is compromised, including physical and mental health." Aside from competing demands such as work and family, Ms Reid says major barriers to carers include not being connected to support services and navigating complex systems. "I don't know anyone who has had to do [a] My Aged Care application or NDIS application that hasn't found it really hard. Ms Reid says she "feels particularly" for carers in rural, remote and even regional areas. "The logistics shouldn't be overlooked. They can be big and difficult to manage." Feelings of guilt while caring for an aging parent can arise for many reasons, explains Elisabeth Shaw, CEO at Relationships NSW. "There can be guilt for intruding, and maybe not knowing how to get [the caring] right. "Also, the guilt of feeling resentful or overwhelmed, or dropping the ball here and there, just because the next generation is caught up with their own lives as well. "You're not as free to devote yourself to your parent, perhaps as much as you'd like to. "Of course, there are also people who don't want to devote themselves, and they can also feel guilty around that." Ms Shaw says for those who would like to do more but can't, "let that be fuel to make a good decision". "Own where you are up to, and once you have owned it, have an effective plan B. Sometimes by resolving that, you are freed up to take more part in the situation." Ms Reid says carers will feel more supported when they start to recognise themselves as carers. "Most carers consider themselves a sister, or brother, or daughter. "If you are a carer, there are supports out there for you. I encourage them to visit Carers Australia and connect with their local carers organisation, which offer a lot of supports like counselling and peer groups." She also suggests people build up their own local support networks. "If someone can help you with just the smallest of tasks … like picking up some groceries … that can just give you the small breather you need to get through."
ABC News
4 hours ago
- ABC News
Two in five young Australians feel lonely
Loneliness is usually considered a problem for older people but a new report has found that 43 per cent of young Australians, feel lonely.
SBS Australia
5 hours ago
- SBS Australia
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