Now I know why women fall in love with me
If asking someone for help makes you more attractive, as academics in China argue, then half my office must be in love with me. I arrive, my entry pass doesn't operate the electronic turnstile as it should, I seek assistance, and grizzled previously heterosexual ex-army security guards swoon with desire. I can't get the printer to function, I appeal for advice, and a flock of youngsters comes over all giddy. I press buttons on the coffee machine to no avail, ask, 'Does anyone know how this effing thing works?', and that humming sound is a dozen pairs of eyelashes batting coquettishly.
Professor Xijing Wang of the City University of Hong Kong explains that 'the reason why asking for help can be very useful to initiate romantic interest is because interdependence is essential in close relationships'. I can get behind that. The professor goes on to differentiate between 'autonomy-oriented' and 'dependency-oriented' help-seeking. The first type ('Please show me how to do this') does not stimulate the affection, devotion or downright lust my own incompetence provokes on a daily basis. That's because it's a request for information, not a cry for help.
• Looking for love? Ask your crush for help
The second type, however ('I've got a problem, please make it go away') — that's the one that sends people wild. Because in asking, 'Can you fix this for me?' what you're really saying is, 'I need you! Now!' And we all want to be needed. It turns out that the old aid-versus-trade line 'Teach a man to fish' is precisely wrong. The man doesn't want to learn how to fish, he just wants a fish to eat, thanks very much. And, real bonus, the person giving him the fish rather than the fishing tutorial will then fall in love with him. Result!
Going back to Wang's point about interdependence in close relationships, it applies perfectly to my own marriage. My wife is, for instance, financially very astute. At school, when I was scraping a pass at maths O-level and choosing biology as my soft science option, Nicola aced maths plus physics, Latin and other complex subjects I dropped at the earliest opportunity. She then worked for a decade in the City as an equities analyst. It made sense when we got together, therefore, that she should handle our pecuniary affairs.
I don't recall saying, 'I need you to set up a joint bank account,' she just did it because she knew that if left to me we'd still have our money in cash under the mattress. And a hall filled floor-to-ceiling with unopened post, like those poor people who die undiscovered for ages. Besides being numerate, Nicola is also conscientious, while I am … less so.
Thus she deals with all income and expenditure, taxation, documents, bills, property and vehicular matters, insurance, pensions, holiday arrangements, legal issues, tradesmen, appliance purchases and maintenance, and any and all dealings with the government, council and utility companies.
Does my needing her to perform all these tasks turn her on? I can only assume it does. Although, granted, in recent years I've noticed that the sheer raw sexiness of me needing her to ring the Thames Water hotline about the blocked drain may be starting to wear off. Yeah, even when the drain guys keep her on hold for half an hour.
• How to divorce-proof your summer
So that's one half of our interdependence. How about my side of the deal? Well, my wife is a very capable woman, as described, yet the inescapable fact is that she stands 5ft 1in tall. Usually if she has to retrieve something high up (or even, ha ha, frankly not that high up, but high up for her), she'll use a ladder. But sometimes, maybe once every couple of months, she'll summon my greater height, strength and wingspan.
Moreover, she doesn't say, 'Can you show me how to lift this heavy box down off that shelf?' because that would be pointless. She'll say, 'Can you get that box down, please?' thus fulfilling the 'dependency' requirement guaranteed to ignite a fire in my loins.
Slightly less guaranteed these days, perhaps — especially if she interrupts while I'm busy watching the cricket — but even so, I oblige. You've gotta keep the magic alive.
The average secondary school pupil spends more than five hours a day on their phone. At university students are on screens for more than six hours a day. If that crazy level of usage continues and they fulfil their life expectancy, these youngsters will go to the grave having spent more than one third of each waking day since the age of 11 gazing at, and occasionally stroking, a small glass screen. It's a grotesque prospect.
We all waste time. My generation watched an awful lot of TV on fixed schedules, on three, then four channels. But there was such little choice that we ended up seeing valuable, educational, high-quality stuff as well as dross. For all the soaps and cop shows there was Attenborough, the news, riveting documentaries and costume dramas. Now you can watch, or half-watch, bland utter nonsense 24/7. Many of my student contemporaries lounged about laughing at Neighbours and Bullseye. But not all of us, and not for six hours, day in, day out.
The one cause for optimism is that most of these social media junkies know their addiction is bad for them. Seven out of ten of the subjects tell researchers that their phone usage impairs their academic performance. They know that all the froth and gossip and preening and posting ruins focus, feeds anxiety, impairs relationships. When I wrote a feature on Gen Z a while ago, I thought my interviewees, in their mid-twenties, would mock my abstention from social media. But they didn't. They were jealous, wistful, their eyes lighting up at the prospect of such liberty. They felt trapped professionally, socially, romantically, commercially, no one individual feeling able to make the first move and quit, such would be the consequences. I felt desperately sorry for them.
Hashtags
Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles
The Guardian
3 days ago
- The Guardian
Bear roaming runway halts flights at Japanese airport
Authorities at a Japanese airport are locked in a 'stalemate' with a black bear which has been roaming the runway despite attempts to chase it off, forcing air traffic controllers to cancel a dozen flights. The bear first appeared at northern Yamagata airport in the early hours of Thursday, and officials immediately shut operationsdown, causing delays. Then, just before midday the animal reappeared on the runway, and flights were halted again. Footage showed a high-visibility airport car on the asphalt, trying to chase the furry trespasser away by flashing its blue lights. The bear was quick to run off, but is believed to be still at large somewhere on the site. 'Given the situation there is no way we can host plane arrivals now,' the Yamagata airport official Akira Nagai told Agence France-Presse, adding that the second closure led to 12 flight cancellations. Hunters had been brought in to set a trap and police were positioned surrounding the airport to prevent the bear from escaping. 'We're in a stalemate now,' Nagai said. The facility planned to keep the runway closed into the evening. Human encounters with bears have reached record levels in Japan, with 219 people attacked and six killed in the 12 months to April 2024. Last month, a bear sighting brought a premature end to a golf tournament in central Japan, with organisers citing safety precautions. With the climate crisis affecting food sources and hibernation times, along with depopulation caused by an ageing society, bears are venturing into urban areas more frequently, scientists have said. Agence France-Presse contributed to this report
Times
4 days ago
- Times
Dogs are off the menu but still under threat in South Korea
Half a million dogs in farms across South Korea face uncertain futures or, in some cases, euthanasia unless a ban on the sale of their meat for food is properly managed, campaigners have said. In 2024, the government in Seoul, under pressure from animal rights groups, enacted a nationwide ban on the sale of dog meat, which has been a feature of the country's culinary culture for centuries. Farmers were given a grace period until February 2027 to close their operations and sell their animals. Anyone violating the ban faces fines or prison. Farmers have complained that the ban has taken away their livelihoods, while animal rights activists say there is no viable plan to rehome the animals — of which there are nearly half a million, according to government estimates. In February 2025, a government survey found that 623 of the 1,537 dog farms in South Korea — 40 per cent — had shut since the new law was passed. Some farmers are still hoping traders will buy their dogs. 'We're drowning in debt, can't pay it off, and some can't even find new work,' the Rev Joo Yeong-bong, a priest and president of the Korean Association of Edible Dog, told BBC News. 'It's a hopeless situation.' • Korean 'butcher pastor' fights for the right to eat dog meat The farm ministry is investing some 6 billion won (£3.2 million) to add capacity to animal shelters and offer up to 600,000 won per dog to farmers who close their businesses early, a BBC report said. Adopting dogs rescued from meat farms would be an option. However, many are either pure or mixed tosa, otherwise known as the Japanese mastiff — a breed not favoured by the majority of metropolitan dog-owners in big cities like Seoul, who prefer smaller lapdogs. The government designates the breed as dangerous and requires owners to get a licence. With animal shelters already overcrowded, many of the dog farm animals may be euthanised. 'Both adoption and euthanasia should be on the table,' Chun Myung-sun, director of the Office of Veterinary Medical Education at Seoul National University, told the BBC. '[But] if we've gone to the effort of rescuing dogs from cruel slaughter only to euthanise them, it's understandable that people would feel heartbroken and angry.' • Animal shelters race to rehome XL bullies abroad before ban Bosintang, or dog meat soup, has long been considered a delicacy in Korea, and was once prized for imparting virility. However, attitudes have changed in recent years and South Koreans are now more keen on keeping dogs as pets rather than eating them. Strollers for pets outsold baby prams last year, retailers said. In 2022, a Gallup survey found that only 8 per cent of respondents had eaten dog meat in the previous year, down from 27 per cent in 2015, and more than 60 per cent viewed consuming dog unfavourably.
Telegraph
4 days ago
- Telegraph
Prawn, cucumber and radish salad with sanbaizu vinegar
This dish involves a fusion of Japanese and Chinese elements. Sanbaizu (available from is Japanese, a slightly sweet vinegar that is made with dried bonito (fish) flakes, giving it an umami edge. It's good used with a plain bit of fish, too. You could replace the prawns here with raw chopped tuna, or fried squid or scallops. You can add other elements too – avocado, for example, or more crispy vegetables. The dried seaweed provides little salty, crispy bits and enhances the flavour of the prawns, but leave it out if you don't like it. Ingredients ½ cucumber 2 tsp caster sugar 3 tsp light soy sauce 6 tbsp sanbaizu 130g radishes, cut into matchsticks 1 tbsp dried wakame seaweed (optional) 85g podded edamame 165g-200g raw king prawns (if buying from a supermarket, you might see packs of either weight) 1 tbsp groundnut oil 1 garlic clove, grated to a purée ½cm-thick slice of ginger root, peeled and grated to a purée ½ red chilli, deseeded and finely chopped A few micro leaves such as cress, to serve (optional) Handful of fresh coriander leaves, to serve Sesame seeds, to serve (optional) Jasmine rice or sushi rice, to serve
