Science Has the Perfect Code to an Great Life And Nobody Seems to Discuss It

Yahoo

30-03-2025

I struggle to read most self-help content.
The industry is flooded with hype, empty advice, and pseudoscience that makes improvement sound effortless. What's even more frustrating? People buy into it. They become guru junkies.
Self-Determination Theory houses a credible and near-perfect roadmap to contentment. It posits that you need these three things to achieve psychological happiness.
The most disheartening thing I witnessed in the corporate world wasn't people losing their jobs—it was stagnation. I looked around my office seeing people with no growth, no change, no drive to evolve.
They held the same job title for years. They attended company events with lifeless eyes and fake smiles that seemed to challenge you to ask just how miserable they were.
I sometimes wondered if they were more like lizards than humans. Seeing them made me realize, "I'd rather be fired." From the moment we're born to the moment we die, we're wired for growth. Maintaining the status quo feels good, but it eventually leaves you feeling deflated.
There's this fascinating concept called 'The End-of-history Illusion'. People of all ages experience it. How it works: Your subconscious assumes you will be the same person many years from now that you are today—that you have already completed your growth.
This is why people often get a tattoo, not fully understanding that their future selves might despise tattoos, or why they continue destructive habits without fully embracing the risk they entail.
Your basic need for competency plays into this ongoing change.
There's a simple way to approach it: Do things you're good at. Improve at things you are bad at. Push towards concrete goals that you can measure. Take up hobbies which involve creation and never abandon your quest to expand your abilities and become well-rounded.
Positive or constructive feedback
Tracking and acknowledging improvement
Reflecting on success and allowing yourself to get credit.
Positive affirmations: encouraging yourself through constructive thoughts.
Harsh and too frequent criticisms
Negative self-talk (putting yourself down, reliving bad memories)
Taking on overly-difficult tasks where you are set to fail.
You already know we're wired to be tribal. The mistake happens when people interpret this as meaning they need to engage in culture wars, and in-group out-group thinking at every moment.
Relatedness should be seen as an opportunity to improve your life, not invoke more strife.
Having high quality, lasting relationships.
Having a community you feel like a member of.
To the childless introverts out there, who work from home like me, this should be a wake-up call.
Maintaining friendships doesn't get easier with age. Parenting and adulting turn old BFFs into cobweb-covered strangers.
For example, I have several Slack groups where I communicate with other professional writers and bloggers. Even the mere act of chatting with them and voicing our frustrations helps us feel more together.
Loneliness is one of the most pervasive and detrimental factors to modern life. It is proven as strong a predictor of heart disease as smoking. Solitude increases blood pressure and weakens your immune system. It enables bad habits.
Remember that don't have a choice: We need people. It's in our DNA.
Relationships or friendships where you feel respected and understood
Specialized connections with people who share something unique in common
Active communication with others
Forcing yourself to socialize and get out more
Superficial and toxic friendships
Excessive competition
Isolation and passing judgment
Cutting toxic friendships and relationships, in particular, was an exceedingly difficult and emotional act in my own life, but it ultimately became one of the best things I ever did.
It's proven that doctors experience the deepest dissatisfaction not because of insurance companies, difficult surgeries, or excess paperwork — but because of their calendars.
They lack adequate control of their schedule and feel beholden to hospitals.
You've probably heard a parallel story in relationships, 'She is so unhappy with her controlling boyfriend. Why won't she break up with him?'
I have yet to hear a person say, 'My boss is great. He micromanages me at every moment.'
The more we feel in control of our life, the more likely we are to be naturally motivated.
There's this paradoxical thing called the Overjustification Effect. During experiments, researchers bribed kids to play with toys. After they stopped rewarding the children, the children lost their natural enjoyment of playing with toys.
Generally speaking, external motivation is inferior to intrinsic motivation. When you are pressured or bribed into doing something, you lose autonomy and the fighting spirit to be great at it. This is why piano lessons as a kid were so miserable: our parents usually dragged us to them.
When employees were rewarded for doing things already in their job description, their performance began to decline afterward. Employees should be rewarded for the prolonged effort that affects the company's goals, not run-of-the-mill duties.
When they're intrinsically motivated, and their reward is contingent upon a performance review, those that value the incentives take action.
If you go and take a piano lesson now, on your own accord, it will be an entirely different experience. You'll likely practice more, enjoy it, start making up songs, and potentially become better than your child-self.
This is exactly how I became a writer.
You can hopefully see how competence, autonomy, and relatedness are all interrelated.
Making and honoring commitments boosts autonomy and relatedness (friendships).
Proactively learning new business systems at the office boosts competence and autonomy (improved credibility, less micromanagement).
Training for a race with a team boosts competence and relatedness.
Marry the three together correctly and you'll feel better about your life than ever.
Competency — do things you are good at and get better at things you stink at. Take up hobbies and persevere.
Relatedness — human connections are everything. You can't live in a silo. Be part of a community. Leave bad relationships.
Autonomy — you are the boss of your life. Be deliberate in what you do, who you know, and how you live.