Why arbitrary-versary might be killing the romance in your relationship
It is, what people are calling - an arbitrary-versary, or simply, the 'arbitrary anniversary', a made-up date that celebrates mildly memorable things. View this post on Instagram A post shared by dani (@dani__brennan)This term was coined by Laura Boyle, a polyamory expert, who believes that these bizarre or wacky anniversaries are 'just a fun excuse to mark the passage of time with someone you love and intend to spend more time with.' Whether it's silly, sweet, or straight-up random, the point is that you are choosing to honour it together. And hey, it doesn't even have to be your actual anniversary. Arbitrariness at its peak!Too arbitrary?advertisementIn her blog post, Boyle talks about celebrating random dates in a romantic relationship because, sometimes, life just happens, and you either forget or can't celebrate it properly. Citing an example, she writes in her post, 'I'm the partner who knows it's not our actual anniversary but will send you a 'happy anniversary of our first kiss! ''. View this post on Instagram A post shared by Alex Blue Davis (@alexbluedavis)Sweet as it may sound, but are these mini-celebrations simply a cute way to connect, or are we actually complicating things more? This brings us back to the question: Is remembering anniversaries even necessary?The answer? Not really.Relationship experts believe that remembering an anniversary isn't strictly necessary. What is of more importance is genuine care, attention and understanding.For some couples, marking specific dates, whether traditional milestones or random moments, feels heartfelt and strengthens their bond. On the other hand, for others, rigidly tracking dates can feel more like a chore than make them happy.'If you consistently show up for your partner, listen actively, offer support, and share quality time, then the exact date holds less weight. Instead of focusing on remembering 'the day,' prioritise ongoing gestures of appreciation,' says Dr Chandni Tungait, psychotherapist and founder-director of Gateway of Healing.Does it (un)complicate things?These light-hearted celebrations are meant to take the pressure off. Even if you forget a formal anniversary, you can still toast to a fun memory. It probably helps you catch your feelings while you're busy catching deadlines. In the end, it's all about keeping the spark alive.According to Dr Tungait, these micro-rituals train your nervous system to associate each other with comfort, enhancing emotional co-regulation during stress.'Arbitrary anniversaries serve as deliberate 'positivity anchors' in memory; each reminder nudges your attention back to joyful, inconsequential events, helping to counterbalance conflict or frustration. They build a private language too - phrases like 'Late-Night Subway Laughs' become shortcuts to warmth, making it easier to reconnect even in chaotic times', she adds.There's a butWhile it may seem all rosy, it is no fix-it-all hack, and experts agree.Why? Because let's be real, if you already struggle to remember birthdays or your parents' anniversaries, adding more events to your calendar might be stressful. Worse, if it becomes performative, the spontaneous affection might get lost under all that pressure.advertisementIf one partner requires such constant reminders to feel secure, it might point to some deeper trust or intimacy issues. And then, it's not much of a celebration, it's a crutch.So, what's the solution?Arbitrary anniversaries work best when they arise organically and remain low-pressure. They should complement, not replace, honest communication, emotional vulnerability, and consistent effort.When used thoughtfully, these small celebrations enrich a relationship without creating dependency or masking deeper issues. Because the 'G' in gestures need not stand for 'grand' every time. It's about the joys in little moments.'Avoid turning every moment into a calendar event. Balance is key - choose a few genuinely meaningful, fun moments to celebrate as reminders of your bond,' Dr Tungait concludes.
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