
When did divorcing parents become so toxic?
Wrong. In the poisonous atmosphere of the family courts, quarrelling parents are known to plant devices on their children to covertly record their rows to then put before a judge as evidence. The practice has become so routine it prompted the Family Justice Council to issue guidance against it last month.
The majority of divorcing rows focus on money
The phenomenon of parents using children as pawns in divorce proceedings is neither new nor rare: In 2023, there were 80,000 children caught up in family court proceedings, according to court statistics. Although fewer couples are divorcing, more of them are having to go through the courts to sort out their acrimonious split.
Divorce is widely recognised as an adverse childhood experience (ACE), which is why recent findings about almost half (45 per cent) of teenagers living with one parent alarmed children's charities. Some of those teens will have witnessed a civilised separation, but too many will now suffer through their parents' bitter divorce: analysis by the Ministry of Justice found that 10,300 financial remedy orders were contested in the family courts last year – a 66 per cent rise over two years.
Julia Margo, director at the domestic violence advocacy group Fair Hearing, has mentored more than 100 mothers through their family court hearings. 'Family court' sounds like a kind and gentle annexe of our justice system, where benevolent magistrates dot the i's and cross the t's of domestic arrangements. In reality these courts are battlegrounds where warring parents tear strips off each other, usually about who will have care of the children and sometimes who can have any contact with them. Julia herself was dragged through the courts 37 times by her ex-partner who, despite being a convicted paedophile, sought unsupervised contact with their children. She warns:
Even when there are no allegations of domestic abuse, many parents now struggle to negotiate separation and co-parenting without a court order: in the UK, more than 10 per cent of separating families end up in the family courts, far higher than in previous decades.
The acrimony she has found in court exposed couples incapable of conflict resolution, emotional articulacy, or just plain respect. This has no resemblance to the 'conscious uncoupling' of Gwyneth Paltrow – whose friendly take on separation strikes one as the wisdom of Solomon by contrast.
The majority of divorcing rows focus on money. But new ingredients – online pornography addiction, cost of living stress, surging infertility – also risk fraying relationships in an unprecedented way. Our 'selfie' culture has infected too many parents, who regrettably share their psychodramas on X, Instagram and TikTok.
Once it goes public, it goes nuclear, with families torn apart and children (even grown up ones) traumatised. Worse, they risk re-enacting the relational model they grew up with.
Families function as petri dishes where children first experiment with relationships. They learn whether their tears bring parents rushing over to comfort them or have no impact on the grown-up glued to their phones. They learn, too, whether screaming obscenities at each other over an unpaid bill or coming to blows over an affair is the best way to resolve an argument.
Children's copy-cat behaviour makes the latest Office for National Statistics figures – one in four women and one in five men have been subject to domestic abuse – truly alarming: how many of the younger generation will abuse their partners? Or, as one senior judge explains, anyone who has sat as a judge for more than 20 years will find themselves at some point face-to-face in court with a domestic abuse perpetrator whom they recognise from years before: the child of an abusive parent, taken into care.
Carey Philpott, CEO of the Kent-based charity SATEDA, says that 'Breaking these cycles is a key focus for our specialist interventions'. The SATEDA programme is one-on-one, or in small groups, offered in schools, to pupils referred to the charity by parents, teachers or specialist organisations. Julia argues:
Given parents' inability to forge healthy relationships and the detrimental impact this has on children, instilling relationship skills in the next generation feels like a national priority.
This chimes with young people's own wishes. When the Children's Commissioner ran her recent 'Big Ask' national survey of children and young people 4 to 17, they put 'family' as their number one priority and poor family relationships as the root of their unhappiness.
Parents' separation too often exposes villains and victims – and those victims too often are their children. Even when they are not tasked with spying on a parent, children risk an emotional tug of war that for some casts a long shadow over their lives.
No one would wish to return to the days when two people would stay locked in a bitter, sometimes abusive, relationship. 'For the sake of the children' is no reason to stay bound to a vicious spouse or partner, but those children's welfare should be at the heart of family relationships – when they break down as well as when they stay strong. Those who ask a child to spy on their other parent seem to forget this. We are not living in the era of Nicolae Ceausescu, thank goodness, so let's not adopt any of that dictator's strategies.
Hashtags

Try Our AI Features
Explore what Daily8 AI can do for you:
Comments
No comments yet...
Related Articles


Metro
12 minutes ago
- Metro
Jay Slater's friend reveals final panicked texts from doomed teen at inquest
Jay Slater's friends have spoken of his final panicked moments as he realised he was lost in the mountains as he attempted a 14-hour walk home, an inquest has heard. The 19-year-old had taken ecstasy, cocaine, alcohol and possibly ketamine the evening of his disappearance in Tenerife, his friend said. Jay, from Oswaldtwistle, Lancashire, vanished after attending NRG music festival last June. He is thought to have gone to an Airbnb with convicted drug dealer Ayub Qassim, 31, and fellow Briton, Steven Roccas before he disappeared. He was reported missing on June 18 and his remains were found near the village of Masca 29 days later. The disappearance captivated millions on social media, with TikTok, Facebook, Instagram and X flooded with a mix of conspiracy theories about drug cartels and claims about Jay's past. His friend Lucy Law, who launched the search, called Jay around 8.30am and had sent him a message saying: 'Go back to wherever the f**k you just came from before it gets boiling.' She said on the call she asked him: 'What on earth are you doing? 'Where are you? 'He was just, 'I'm in the middle of the mountains'.' She asked him what he could see, and he replied: 'Nothing. Literally nothing. There's literally just mountains.' Mr Slater also said he needed a drink and asked if cacti are poisonous. Ms Law added: 'By this stage, I'm panicking.' Another friend Bradley Geoghegan, who was on holiday with Jay, spoke to the inquest into his death about the final night the 19-year-old was seen alive. Jay had been kicked out of a club because he was so drunk, but decided against going back to the apartment he was sharing with Geoghegan. Instead he went to an Airbnb miles away with two men he met on holiday. Geoghegan told Preston Coroner's Court heard that he got a video call from Jay the next morning, who was walking along a road 'under the influence'. Geoghegan said: 'I said put your maps on to see how far you were. It was like a 14-hour walk or an hour drive. I said, 'Get a taxi back', then he just goes, 'I will ring you back'.' Jay likely did not have any money on him, with taxis in Tenerife insisting on payment before taking a ride, the witness added. When asked if the teenager had appeared 'threatened' or 'under duress', Geoghegan said no. 'I think he probably got there and thought, 'Why am I here?', sobered up and decided to come back,' he added. Evidence heard during the inquest suggested Jay had attempted to walk back from his own apartment after failing to get a taxi. He then fell from a height into a ravine, with a huge search discovering his body on July 15. During the hearing in May, toxicology expert Dr Stephanie Martin said there were difficulties checking for the presence of drugs or alcohol in a body so severely decomposed. But she said analysis of Jay's body showed traces of the presence of MDMA and MDA, commonly known as ecstasy along with cocaine and alcohol. Dr Martin said because of the limitations of the analysis, she could not say exactly how much or how soon before death the drugs had been taken. Home Office pathologist Dr Richard Shepherd said his post-mortem examination gave the cause of death as head injuries. He added that Jay's body had no signs of restraint or assault. Data from the teenager's phone had also been analysed by police, Lancashire Constabulary's Detective Chief Inspector Rachel Higson told the hearing. The next witness was Ayub Qassim, who told the court about meeting Jay on a night out with his friend Steven Roccas. He said he had been in a different venue before later meeting Slater and Geoghegan and getting food after clubs closed. Qassim described Jay as: 'On a buzz. Chilled, happy. Mingling in'it.' Jay then asked to go back to his and Roccas' apartment. Qassim told the hearing: 'I did say, 'Bro, oh mate, it's so far away from the strip.' There's nothing happening there other than scenery. I said I would drop him off in the morning. He rolled with us.' The coroner asked Qassim about messages sent by Jay describing a possible watch theft. A video in May seemingly show Jay at the back of a car en route to the remote village of Masca after having been kicked out of a rave. In the 6am videos, he appears to brag about stealing a watch in the Snapchat posts. He says: 'Just took a 12k Rolly (Rolex) off some c*** with this Maili (Somalian) kid. Off to get 10 quid (thousand) for it. Off my undies ha, ha, ha.' Qassim, however, described how he saw a man take a watch from another person on the strip in Tenerife and tried to sell it to him and Jay. But Qassim insisted: 'Jay did not steal no watch. I can say one hundred per cent.' When asked if he was involved in a watch theft, he replied: 'No. And neither was he.' More Trending Trying to explain the social media posts, Jay said: 'He could be boasting to his friends. He's on a buzz, so maybe it could be that. Sometimes people do exaggerate. The coroner then asked: 'But so far as you are concerned, none of that is true?' Qassim replied: 'No. One hundred per cent. I didn't see a watch. At this point he's just firing off messages.' Once back at the remote apartment, Jay was then given a blanket and a pillow at the Airbnb to sleep on the sofa, the witness added. Get in touch with our news team by emailing us at webnews@ For more stories like this, check our news page. MORE: I was Jet2 and Virgin cabin crew – here's 3 'secret' European destinations MORE: Aitana Bonmati makes England claim and reveals Spain targeted one Germany star MORE: Millie Bright praises England duo and makes Euro 2025 final prediction


BBC News
12 minutes ago
- BBC News
Ex-Man Utd striker Hernandez apologises for sexism
Former Manchester United striker Javier Hernandez says he "deeply regrets" making the sexist remarks that led to him being fined and warned about his future Mexican Football Federation (FMF) said the 37-year-old, now with Liga MX side Chivas, made a series of statements on TikTok "promoting sexist stereotypes that are considered media violence and go against gender equality in sport". Hernandez said women are "failing" and "eradicating masculinity". "Don't be afraid to be women, to allow yourselves to be led by a man," said the former Mexico captain on social media. In an apology posted on Instagram on Thursday, he said it was "never my intention" to "hurt or divide". "I deeply regret any confusion or discomfort that my recent words have caused," added Hernandez, who won two Premier League titles during his five-year spell at said he was "listening, reflecting and committed to expressing myself with better clarity and sensitivity" and he would "take this opportunity to understand, grow and continue working to be a better version of myself".The original comments, which were made last weekend, were met with a backlash in Claudia Sheinbaum, the country's first female president, said: "Chicharito is a very good soccer [player] but when it comes to his opinion on women... he still has a lot to learn."In a joint statement, the FMF and Mexico's top men's and women's leagues said the Gender and Diversity Commission has started an investigation "that seeks to prevent and punish this behaviour", and it will "take more severe measures in the event of a repeat offence".Chivas said the comments were "contrary to the principles and values" of the club and they had taken "appropriate action" against Hernandez, though they did not specify what that Mexico's all-time leading scorer, joined Manchester United from Chivas in with Real Madrid and Bayer Leverkusen followed, before he returned to the Premier League in 2017 with West Ham for a three-season stint. Hernandez left them for Sevilla, before spending four seasons with MLS side Los Angeles returned to first club Chivas in 2023, signing a two-year deal.


South Wales Guardian
18 minutes ago
- South Wales Guardian
Kneecap describe decision to ban them from Hungary as ‘political distraction'
The trio, who are outspoken supporters of Palestine, were due to perform at Sziget Festival on August 11 and remain on the line-up on its website. Government spokesman Zoltan Kovacs wrote on social media platform X that the decision to ban Kneecap was because the group's 'members repeatedly engage in antisemitic hate speech supporting terrorism and terrorist groups'. But in a statement posted on Instagram, Kneecap described the decision to bar them from entry as 'political distraction' and pointed out that none of the group has any criminal convictions. A spokeswoman for Sziget Festival also described the move as 'unnecessary and regrettable'. 'Cancel culture and cultural boycotts are not the solution,' she added. The statement from Kneecap said: 'To the tens of thousands of fans who we were buzzing to see in person at Sziget, we're sorry we won't be with you. 'The authoritarian government of Viktor Orban say we 'pose a national security threat'. 'Which is f****** outrageous coming from a man who welcomed Netanyahu, a wanted war criminal, like a hero just a few weeks ago. 'There is no legal basis for his actions, no member of Kneecap has ever been convicted of any crime in any country. We stand against all hate crimes and Kneecap champions love and solidarity as well as calling out injustices whenever we see it. 'It's clear that this is political distraction and a further attempt to silence those who call out genocide against the Palestinian people.' Kneecap have had several shows cancelled in recent months, including TRNSMT festival in Glasgow and at the Eden Project in Cornwall. They claim this is part of a smear campaign against them because of their vocal support for Palestine and criticism of Israel's actions in Gaza, which they say is a genocide. The statement posted earlier on Thursday by Mr Kovacs said: 'Hungary has zero tolerance for antisemitism in any form. 'Their planned performance posed a national security threat, and for this reason, the group has been formally banned from Hungary for three years. 'If they enter, expulsion will follow under international norms.' The spokeswoman for Sziget Festival said: 'Following concerns raised by government and pressure groups across Hungary over the past weeks at the prospect of Kneecap performing, we have liaised closely with the band and they reassured us that their performance would not contravene either Sziget's values or Hungarian law. 'Over the past 30 years, Sziget has served as a free and safe place for different cultures, hosting artists and visitors from around the world, earning significant recognition in the international community and enhancing Hungary's reputation. 'We fear that the government's decision announced today to ban Kneecap may not only damage the reputation of Sziget, but also negatively affect Hungary's standing worldwide.' Kneecap – comprised of Liam Og O hAnnaidh, Naoise O Caireallain, and JJ O Dochartaigh – were formed in Belfast and released their first single in 2017. They hit the headlines recently after O hAnnaidh, who performs under the name Mo Chara, was charged with a terror offence relating to allegedly displaying a flag in support of Hezbollah. In May, the Metropolitan Police said the group were being investigated by counter-terrorism police after videos emerged allegedly showing them shouting 'Up Hamas, up Hezbollah' and 'Kill your local MP'. The group apologised to the families of murdered MPs and said they have 'never supported' Hamas or Hezbollah, which are banned in the UK. They were also investigated over their set at Glastonbury Festival in June, but last week Avon and Somerset Police confirmed they would be taking no further action.