Marriage Diaries: I've moved on from my wife... but my manhood hasn't
Last year, I left my wife after 20 years of marriage. Our younger child had finished her first year of university and I felt it was a suitable time to end things. I wasn't happy in the relationship, I felt trapped by responsibility, that my life was a constant circuit of providing for people, doing errands, driving miles and having nothing left for myself.
My wife was very upset – she liked things the way they were, but I simply couldn't see a future with her – I wanted more from life. Sex with my wife was great, and unlike a lot of married couples in our early 50s, we made love regularly. But that wasn't enough to keep me in the marriage, so I left and moved from the Home Counties into a friend's flat in east London, a vibrant neighbourhood that I love.
Early on in our marriage, I had an affair which lasted about a year. The sex was great with that woman too. I never had trouble 'performing', either with her or with my wife. I will freely admit that I am not the most well-endowed man, but I always thought the positive of that was it is easier to get and maintain an erection than it is for a man with more generously sized genitals. I have never had any complaints from the women I have slept with.
Recently I decided it was time to get back in the sexual saddle. I was invited to a big party in central London and treated myself to a hotel room, with the intention of picking someone up and losing my 'divorce virginity'. I met a 50-year-old woman I had known vaguely during the early years of my marriage. There was a strong attraction there, so I brought her back to my room.
We undressed and kissed passionately – I was really enjoying the fact she was physically quite different to my wife, it felt exciting. But my penis refused to cooperate, despite the anticipation and excitement of discovering a new body, it remained lifeless and limp. We tried everything, the woman was very attentive, but nothing seemed to work. It was so frustrating. I told her it was entirely my problem, which was true, and that I found her attractive. She was sympathetic, but I worry that she might think it was actually her fault.
This has never happened to me before. I was even careful to limit alcohol as I wanted my first sexual encounter as a free man to be impressive. Instead, it was a disaster. Since the separation, I have had sex with my wife a few times, and it has been, if anything, better than when we were together, so I know that I can have sex, I just wasn't able to perform this time.
I don't want to take Viagra, as it feels like failing. I know a lot of men do take it – I mean, erectile dysfunction is a billion-dollar industry, I get it – but it's just not me. I have never struggled with this before. I don't understand it. I have always been extremely confident around women, I am in the best shape of my life, and I don't have all the constraints and worries I had with a young family.
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Daily Mirror
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Boeing plane collides with Airbus and slices tail with 380 passengers stranded
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The Sun
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My jealous husband always assumed I was cheating… so I eventually slept with my boss
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The Guardian
an hour ago
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Griffiths spent a year speaking to her four case studies, women now in their 30s and 40s who had 'lived lives well and truly outside of these relationships' and were now able to reflect on what had been. She readily admits that she was probably subconsciously 'looking for women that reminded me somewhat of myself, or could help me make sense of my own [experience]'. In her quest to understand these dynamics, Griffiths also spoke to male professors and tutors who had slept with a student – but not the ones who'd had relationships with her four subjects, to protect their anonymity. (Her subjects are also given pseudonyms and minor elements of their stories, like placenames, were fictionalised to obscure them.) Sweet Nothings is being published into a cultural moment that feels perhaps ready to begin reckoning with professor-student relationships. 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'I was particularly interested in sex that was 'problematic' but not necessarily 'bad',' Griffiths says. 'Every woman I spoke to was of the age of consent – [but] well and truly nursing a unique harm. The women that I was in conversation with didn't necessarily feel as if something completely, egregiously untoward took place within the framework of consent. It was something else entirely.' What unfurls in Sweet Nothings is an examination of the way men in positions of authority can appeal to women when they are younger, at a moment in their lives when they perhaps feel that youth and beauty afford them a power of its own. Instead of flat condemnations, Griffiths wanted to highlight the agency a lot of these women had in procuring these relationships and explore their own desires. But she found that some men appeared over time, as one character notes, 'vile, dull and obvious' for using their sway in the classroom to get with women, sometimes many years their junior, who wouldn't look twice at them in a pub. A complicated shame and anger often bloomed as women looked back on these relationships in the rear-view mirror, their memories of university forever soured. Sign up for the fun stuff with our rundown of must-reads, pop culture and tips for the weekend, every Saturday morning Two of her subjects had seen their former professor or tutor go on to date other students after their own breakup. The revelation that they may have been part of a kink, 'as opposed to necessarily someone who met the love of their life in the wrong outfit, in the wrong place, in the wrong time, did quite severe harm to these individuals' sense of self,' Griffiths says. So too did realising that a man they once idolised, who has a mastery of the field they aspire to work in, had made their relationship about sex when perhaps what they were really craving was to be told they could 'be him one day'. It perhaps won't surprise you to hear that Lisa Taddeo's Three Women, the 2019 bestseller about the sex lives of three real American women (including one who, at age 17, had a sexual relationship with her high school teacher), was an inspiration for Griffiths. Sign up to Saved for Later Catch up on the fun stuff with Guardian Australia's culture and lifestyle rundown of pop culture, trends and tips after newsletter promotion But another book looms much larger: Helen Garner's The First Stone, mentioned directly in Sweet Nothings as a book Griffiths finds both compelling and aggravating. Garner's 1995 account of two University of Melbourne students who accused a residential college master of sexual assault has been critically re-evaluated in recent years for its often-scathing cynicism towards its female subjects. Garner herself had an affair with an older tutor while at university, she revealed in The First Stone – but didn't view it as an abuse of power, and regarded the young women's decision to lodge a complaint with police over being groped as a 'heartbreaking' overreaction and affront to feminist ideals. Griffiths read Garner's book twice while writing her manuscript, determined to do her own differently. Garner didn't interview the women involved in the case for The First Stone – they had declined her interview requests – and Griffiths found the absence of their voices distracting. She very deliberately made her female subjects the centre of her story and is happy to be writing in an era when 'we can speak in less sweeping terms' about gender and consent. 'I think older generations have a very cartoonish view of an assailant and his prey,' she laughs. But even 30 years on from The First Stone, Griffiths found she and her subjects still brushed up against an attitude of, as she puts it, 'Well, what did she get out of it?' Despite typically being in only their late teens or early 20s, Griffiths found that uni students are seen as capable and headstrong, and therefore unable to be victimised like a high school student who is just a couple years younger than them. That disregard for uni students, paired with the innate respect professors enjoy, has muddied understandings of power and allowed men at universities to do what they like. 'There is certainly a class dimension to all of this,' Griffiths says. 'I think professors are held to high esteem and are able to operate in [this] way throughout a cultural understanding of them as quite esoteric, niche, unconventional genius. Genius men throughout history have gotten away with a lot.' Sure enough, while two of the four women featured in Sweet Nothings filed complaints against the men they had relationships with, there have been no repercussions for any of the men. There are rules around student-teacher relationships at most Australian universities, Griffiths says, but 'they are open to interpretation'. At many universities, guidelines only apply to relationships between teaching staff and their current students; for Griffiths and two of her subjects, the relationship began after they were in the same classroom. The order of events didn't change the power dynamic. 'One thing that I found was the origin story of all of these relationships, having once met in the classroom, pervaded the relationships at their core. It never went away,' Griffiths says. The women she spoke to remained eager to impress or prove themselves to their former teachers, forever affording them the upper hand. For Griffiths, now aged 31, that has proven true. 'I guess at the core of my almost childish want with him was to be taken seriously,' she says. 'I'd be lying if I said there wasn't a shadow of that in my relationship to my work more broadly.' She hopes that if her former tutor reads her book, he will see that she is able to look at their relationship academically now – 'with the fine-tooth comb that perhaps he didn't teach me'. Sweet Nothings is out now ($36.99)
