HuffPost Turns 20 — And Has A New Look To Celebrate The Anniversary
HuffPost has not only won a Pulitzer Prize and National Magazine Award, it has angered multiplepresidents, and provided fearless, independent reporting day in and day out.
We have a package of 20th anniversary stories to celebrate the occasion, including:
Major milestones in HuffPost's history
20 of our all-time most moving, shocking stories
A rollicking oral history of the HuffPost splash
20 of our most incredible personal essays
HuffPosters are observing the anniversary with a day of service, volunteering at charities across 11 cities.
We are marking the anniversary with a refreshed logo and look. We are returning to our roots and embracing a deep HuffPost green in our logo, masthead, navigation and beyond. We hope you enjoy the updated appearance, and would love to hear your feedback about it.
At a moment when America's free press faces grave threats, we are proud to be a destination for forceful, resolute reporting. Thank you for your continued attention and support.
Here's to another 20!
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2 days ago
- Yahoo
Every Narcissist Has A 'Flying Monkey.' Here's What That Means.
Narcissists have an uncanny ability to get through to you, even when you've made an effort to create some distance between you and them. To sidestep any communication boundaries you've set, they'll often employ a third party ― a friend you have in common, your sibling or other parent if it's your mom or dad that you're dealing with, or a fellow coworker if your narc is in the workplace. Online ― in subreddits and Facebook groups where people detail their experiences with narcissists and emotional abusers ― this third party is sometimes called 'a flying monkey' or the narcissist's 'wingman.' If you're not one for pithy pop psychology terms, you could just call them an enabler. The flying monkey moniker is, of course, an allusion to the 'Wizard of Oz,' in which the wily Wicked Witch of the West enlists flying monkeys to do her dirty work: capturing Dorothy and her companions, terrorizing the land of the Winkies. (We won't classify the witch as a narcissist; who's to say if the DSM-5 psychiatric manual even exists in Oz?) A narcissist similarly uses their flying monkey to harass you emotionally, guilt trip you or plead their case, said Lauren Maher, a marriage and family therapist and the author of 'Mindfulness Workbook for Panic Attacks.' 'Consciously or unconsciously, the flying monkey upholds and advocates for the narcissist's reality,' Maher told HuffPost. 'They might covertly gather information, spread rumors, gaslight, bully, or minimize the reality of the person who is being abused by the narcissist. ' In Maher's practice, she's seen two types of people who are chosen as flying monkeys. The first consists of conflict-avoidant people-pleasers whose sympathies are easily manipulated by the narcissist. 'When they take the side of the narcissist, they may genuinely think they are advocating for the good,' she said. 'A common example seen in families is when a narcissistic parent portrays themselves as an eternal victim, but who in reality is quite emotionally abusive to one sibling behind closed doors.' When the emotionally abused sibling ― who's often the 'scapegoat' of the family ― finally sets boundaries with this parent, they may experience pushback from another sibling who tells them they are being selfish, uncaring, or 'tearing the family apart,' Maher said. The second type of flying monkey is a little less well-meaning ― more of a willing ally of the narcissist. 'I'm thinking of more cutthroat individuals who may have narcissistic traits themselves,' Maher said. 'An example of this would be someone who throws their colleague under the bus to protect the interests or public persona of a toxic boss, believing that this may ingratiate them to the boss and help them climb the ladder.' Clearly more nefarious than the first type, these flying monkeys might feel 'special' when they are chosen by the narcissist and may lack empathy for others, the therapist said. Regardless of what type you're dealing with, we've got advice on how to gently let your monkey know that what they're doing isn't going to fly with you. Take a pause when you come into contact with an enabler. Whether they're cognizant of it or not, flying monkeys are often sent to provoke a reaction ― usually guilt, shame, or some sort of defensiveness. Don't take the bait. 'Responding with emotion gives them power and reinforces the narcissist's control,' said Marie-Line Germain, a professor of HR and leadership and author of 'Narcissism at Work: Personality Disorders of Corporate Leaders'. 'Instead, try to remain calm and neutral,' she told HuffPost. 'In the moment, a simple response such as, 'Thanks, but I'm not discussing this' or 'My decision about this has been made and I'm not really looking for input' can be effective.' Know that this dynamic is so common, there's a psychological name for it: Triangulation. In conflict, people often use triangulation to bring another person into a relationship or conversation without directly confronting the person with whom they have an issue. That's what happens in these pesky flying monkey scenarios, said Ami B. Kaplan, a psychotherapist in New York and Florida who specializes in treating adult children of narcissists: The third party is sent in to stabilize the situation, which for the narcissist means bringing you back into the fold. 'This person ― the flying monkey ― is unfortunately 'triangulated' into communicating with the targeted person,' she said. 'For example, you see narcissist mothers sending their husbands to communicate with an estranged son, in the hopes that the father will get the son to re-engage with her.' The father might feel uneasy about his involvement, but a narcissist can be so difficult to deal with, many family members just go along with what they want to keep the peace, Kaplan said. Recognize that anything you tell the flying monkey will likely get back to the narcissist. This should go without saying: When dealing with an enabler, anything you say or do will in all likelihood be reported back to the narcissist as soon as you hop off the phone. 'Because nothing is confidential, keep your communication limited and refuse to discuss the conflict,' said Karyl McBride, a therapist and author of 'Will the Drama Ever End? Untangling and Healing from the Harmful Effects of Parental Narcissism.' This can be tricky and will almost undoubtedly require firm boundary setting, McBride said. 'Remember to make a boundary stick, you have to follow through and enforce it with things such as hanging up, walking away, refusing to engage,' she said. You have options when it comes to engaging with a flying monkey. The devastating part of all of this is that the enabler can be someone that you like, love or even get along with on a regular basis. But because they collude with your narcissist, you may need to reevaluate how you engage with them in your life, said Chelsey Brooke Cole, a psychotherapist and author of 'If Only I'd Known! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth.' You have a few options in this situation, though, she said. First, you can try to agree to disagree with the flying monkey. 'Maybe you say something like, 'We're not going to see that situation in the same way. Moving forward in our relationship, let's just agree to not talk about that subject,'' Cole said. In plenty of situations, that might be the best option. For example, if this is someone you work with, they may continue believing your narcissistic boss is a great leader, even though you know they're a bit two-faced and not cut out for management. If you and your coworker can avoid sharing opinions about your boss, you should be able to maintain a good working relationship, Cole said. Alternatively, you can test the waters by asking if the flying monkey is open to having a conversation about your side of the story, she said. She used the example of a family friend who's constantly saying things like, 'You really should call your mother. She's not going to be around forever.' 'You might know that this is your mother's attempt to triangulate and guilt-trip you into calling her, when you've set very clear boundaries that you don't want to contact her,' she said. 'In that case, you can respond with something like, 'It sounds like you might've heard some things about my relationship with my mom that isn't the full story. Are you open to hearing why I've decided not to be in contact with her right now?'' It's also an option to set boundaries about what you are and aren't willing to talk about with an enabler. 'Using the above scenario with the family friend, you can say something like, 'I understand where you're coming from, however my mom and I's relationship is our own and I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't make those types of comments anymore.'' Cole said that in some cases, you may need to break off contact with the flying monkey for a spell, too. Lean into your support system. While you don't want to create a flying monkey situation of your own, there's absolutely nothing wrong with talking to someone you trust about how this is impacting you, Maher said, 'It's so important to lean on your own support network and to surround yourself with people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy and compassionate over time,' she said. Related... There Are 5 Types Of Narcissists. Any Of Them Sound Familiar? 6 Red Flag Phrases Narcissists Use To Manipulate You During An Argument I'm A Psychologist Who Specializes In Narcissists. Here's What We Need To Do To Stop Trump.
Yahoo
3 days ago
- Yahoo
The Promise
Credit - In The Promise, a narrative podcast from Nashville Public Radio, host and reporter Meribah Knight examines Nashville's James A. Cayce Homes, the city's largest and oldest public-housing complex that's about to be razed and overhauled into a more modern space that will bring together young professionals and its preexisting residents. Easier said than done, especially considering the neighborhood's fraught history with violence and the gentrification sprouting around it. Knight, who would go on to be a Pulitzer Prize finalist in 2022, embeds herself within the community, interviewing the longtimers, new arrivals, and authorities as the project comes to fruition. She dedicates a Peabody Award-winning second season to examining how the racial and economic divide within the neighborhood manifests in the classroom, illustrating the deeply rooted tension that exists in so many of America's communities. Contact us at letters@
Buzz Feed
4 days ago
- Buzz Feed
5 Stages In A Dying Marriage Explained By Experts
When a marriage is in decline, it tends to follow a predictable pattern. Knowing what to look for can help you repair your relationship before it's too late. Becky Whetstone, an Arkansas marriage and family therapist and the author of the forthcoming book I (Think) I Want Out, has spent more than 20 years counseling couples. She wrote her Ph.D. dissertation at St. Mary's University in San Antonio on the stages of a deteriorating marriage. 'This is the most important thing couples could know,' Whetstone told HuffPost via email. '[It's] similar to understanding cancer symptoms, the stages of cancer and early detection.' While doing research for her dissertation, she came across the work of sociologist Diane Vaughan, the author of Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships. In her 1986 book, Vaughan delineated the various stages, or turning points, that individuals go through when ending a relationship. After interviewing more than 100 people about their breakups, Vaughan discovered that most splits followed a very similar trajectory. 'When I read it, I was like, 'Oh my gosh, why don't people know about this?'' Whetstone said. Then, Whetstone conducted her own in-depth interviews with a set of subjects, hoping to find some 'common patterns' in the dissolution of their relationships, she said. 'When I did my own research, interviewing 11 subjects for two hours apiece and asking them all the same exact questions, I wasn't thinking about Vaughan's stages at all,' she said. 'I was looking for common patterns in what my subjects told me and was open to anything. But, lo and behold, Vaughan's stages revealed themselves.' These stages are mostly experienced internally, occurring in the mind of the 'decider' (the individual who's initiating the breakup), Whetstone explained. Often, this person doesn't voice their relationship concerns to their partner until late in the process. 'Unfortunately, unhappy partners keep the extent of what is going on a secret from their spouse until it is almost too late,' Whetstone said. 'It's so important that partners stay in touch and let the other know when they are struggling.' Below are five stages of a dying marriage outlined by Whetstone. The first four align with some of Vaughan's findings, while the fifth is one that Whetstone discovered in her own research, she said. The first stage, known as the disillusionment phase, is when one person recognizes that they're unhappy in their relationship, but they decide to take a wait-and-see approach. 'They mull it over and say, 'You know, relationships have ups and downs, and I'll just see how this goes and see if my feelings change,'' Whetstone said. But as Vaughan told The Washington Post in a 1986 interview: 'When you keep secrets that have to do with the relationship ― things that make you unhappy, things that can be fixed ― a breach is begun. ... It widens the gap.' The second stage is the erosion phase. This is when one partner realizes that the unhappiness is not just going away and is serious enough that it could lead to divorce. Still, they dismiss the idea of splitting up for a number of reasons — because of kids, finances, reputation, religion, values or 'whatever it is they don't want to lose,' Whetstone said. 'The cracks begin to show,' she said. 'They may make sarcastic remarks to their spouse, complain, get an attitude, or roll their eyes, but whatever it is, it stays between them.' In other words, this person might make snide comments toward their spouse, but only behind closed doors — not in front of other people, Whetstone noted. The third stage is known as the detachment phase, in which a person pulls away from their partner emotionally and looks for things outside of the marriage to help them cope. That might mean investing time in a hobby, a workout regimen or even having an affair, Whetstone said. But this person is still not willing to end the relationship. 'So, they make a deal with themself: I can stay married if I find something outside the marriage and away from my partner that brings me satisfaction,' Whetstone explained. 'They are focusing more and more on their unhappiness, seeing every little negative thing and becoming more blind to the things they once enjoyed.' By this stage, the hostility starts to become apparent to folks outside of the relationship. 'The poisonous feelings seep out in front of others,' said Whetstone. At this point, a person's tolerance for their partner continues to dwindle and the marriage moves into the fourth stage, known as 'The Straw.' Whetstone described it as 'a day when their spouse says or does something that gives them sudden clarity that they can't be married to someone' who would do that thing. 'At this moment, they emotionally unplug, turn their back on the marriage and refuse to cooperate or go along, pretending they are happy,' she explained. The straw that breaks the camel's back might be something that's big, small or seemingly innocent, Whetstone said. But for the disgruntled spouse, everything has changed. 'They will either decide to end the relationship altogether, make a pronouncement of their thinking they want a divorce or emotionally disconnect,' Whetstone said. Rubberball/Mike Kemp / Getty Images In Whetstone's research, she uncovered a fifth stage, which she refers to as death of the marriage. 'Or at least death of what has been going on before, as the spouse will not go back to the way things were,' she said. At this point, divorce is likely, she said, 'but it is possible that a future with their partner can be found under the right circumstances.' The status quo, however, is 'forever off the table,' she added. How — And When — To Salvage The Relationship Whetstone advises couples to start counseling when they hit the erosion stage — the point when they recognize there are issues that won't resolve on their own. 'Letting the resentment pile up makes it exceedingly difficult to help them later,' she said. What gets in the way of early intervention? Too many people mistakenly believe that couples therapy is reserved for 'really bad, damaged marriages,' Whetstone said, when that's just not true. Small issues can snowball into much bigger and trickier ones if ignored. Northern California therapist Kurt Smith, who specializes in counseling men, said that when it comes to starting couples therapy, 'the sooner, the better.' 'Sadly, most wait until it's almost too late, and for some it is,' he told HuffPost. 'Often they finally go when they're close to calling a divorce lawyer — or already have.' That's why Smith recommends seeking counseling proactively rather than reactively. 'As soon as you start seeing signs of a potential problem you can't fix yourselves, go,' he said. 'At this stage it's much quicker, cheaper and has much better results.' The adage 'time fixes everything' doesn't apply to marriages on the rocks, Smith said. ''Let's just give it some time' is an avoidance, and sometimes a power play,' he continued. 'Don't accept it. In addition to time, you also have to add strategies and effort to the mix to bring about real change, especially change that lasts. Be smart and be willing to admit when you can't fix it yourself.' What if your partner won't go to marriage counseling? Then go without them, Smith said. 'Marriages can change even if only one person is trying,' he said. 'Ultimately, do you need both partners participating? Sure. But you can get started without them. And often when you do, they'll join you at some point.' HuffPost.
