Is it finally time to date women?
Date women? Well, I have tried. I signed up for both an app and a matchmaking system but neither worked for me.
In addition to not yet being able to find someone in a suburban area where I live (in Japan), what makes me torn is this man.
A few years ago, when I was still not fully recovered from the second divorce, I got a message from a man I was with in my 20s. Back then we got engaged, but decided to go our separate ways instead of getting married. I didn't want to leave Japan and he didn't want to move to Japan from the US. We stayed in touch after the breakup by exchanging birthday wishes. He got married and now has two children. Oddly enough, we always had each other in mind, thinking we would somehow end up being together.
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Then three years ago, he messaged me to see how I was doing. Texting with him about our time together felt nice. He told me about his marital problem and I felt the urge to 'get him back.' We texted for about two months but I decided to stop because I didn't want to cause any problems for his children's sake.
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Last year, I texted him. I was mentally in a better place and wanted to be friends with him again. He told me he had decided to stay in the marriage, which was fine for me.
Months after that, I reached out and found out he was visiting Japan with his family to see his Japanese wife's parents. (Well, yes, I guess he has a type.) A week later, when I was working at home, the doorbell of my apartment rang. He was there.
While his wife and children were spending time in her hometown, he decided to hang out alone and come to see me. We spent five days together. Being with him felt so natural. He came to see me again and stayed for three weeks. He is in the process of getting a divorce now.
I know I love him — that he is some kind of soul mate. He loves me. I know he and I can enjoy our life together. We enjoy traveling, coffee, and quiet times. I cannot be sure if I am romantically attracted to him or men in general, though, while his love language includes physical connections. It is a bit overwhelming to think that I won't be able to bring physical connections into the relationship with him.
What should I do? Should I pursue a relationship with a woman as my heart wants or be with him as my rational thought tells me?
WHAT NEXT?
A.
This is a great time to be honest with this man. If you want to pursue other people and follow your heart, let him know.
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And why wouldn't you follow your heart after all this time?
You've been through two divorces. You're telling us you don't have a physical connection with this guy, despite caring for him. You want to date women and see how it feels — so do that.
Remember, he has to figure out his marriage and divorce (I assume). He's probably not ready to give all of his attention to a new partner.
Tell him you're exploring your interests, and he should do the same. Make sure he knows that no matter what, you wouldn't want to be used as an easy way out of something that isn't working. He can become a single person without a new partner all lined up.
Be as clear as possible, but also be kind. Offer space — because if he knows you're dating others, he might want a break.
As for how to find women: try dating while on vacation. People tell me that when they're in another city/country, and they're not thinking about work or other obligations, they swipe on locals and everything is low stakes.
Travel to a city where there are more options and lots of things to do. It might be a good way to clear your head and enjoy some romance at the same time.
MEREDITH
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READERS RESPOND:
'I know I love him — that he is some kind of soul mate. He loves me. I know he and I can enjoy our life together. We enjoy traveling, coffee, and quiet times. I cannot be sure if I am romantically attracted to him.'
That sounds like a good person to be friends with. I can't help but wonder if he divorced thinking you two would be together, I would set that straight with him right away. Sounds like maybe you've been caught in a long 'What if?' with this man. The reality is not as good as the fantasy.
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KWINTERS1
I think you have more work to do. If you want to date women, don't be wasting this guy's time.
WIZEN
'I cannot be sure if I am romantically attracted to him...'
Date whomever you want, but don't make a commitment until you have an answer to the above.
TERMINATER5
My advice is to squarely friendzone the man, put some distance in that friendship while he sorts his life out, and pursue dating women as you intended. This way you can know in your heart that you gave it an honest shot before repeating the past and setting up for Divorce No. 3.
PENSEUSE
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