What is 'banksying' & are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to be victims? Sex & dating experts weigh in

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6 days ago

Dating in the modern age just seems to get more complicated every year. Between the ubiquity of hookup apps, and toxic relationship trends like ghosting, floodlighting, and love bombing, it's a wonder anyone manages to settle down at all.
Then, add in the diverse types of relationship models out there, from polyamory and open relationships to soft-swapping and Living Apart Together, and things get even trickier to figure out.
And now, a new toxic dating trend is sweeping the nation and leaving dating hopefuls in the lurch. It's called 'banksying,' a clever name for a cruel way to end a relationship by slowly destroying it from the inside out.
But what is 'banksying,' how harmful is it, and are LGBTQ+ people more likely to be the victim or perpetrator of it? We talked to sex and relationship experts to give you the lowdown on this toxic new dating trend.
What is 'banksying,' and where did the term originate?
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Bankysing is a new Gen Z dating term that gets its name from the infamous street artist Banksy, known for his mysterious art that pops up out of nowhere. But instead of a satirical piece of street art that self-destructs — like one of Banksy's paintings did — it's a selfish way to end a relationship to protect yourself by withdrawing emotionally and destroying the relationship from within, so that when the relationship ends, you're prepared and your partner is blindsided.
'The easiest way to describe banksying is as 'quiet quitting' for relationships,' Milla Impola, a sex, condom, and lube expert for ONE Condoms, tells PRIDE. 'One partner decides they're no longer inspired by the relationship and slowly begins to pull away emotionally. They conceal these feelings from their partner because they're not quite ready to jump ship, and they need time to emotionally prepare to part ways. When the time does come to end things, they feel less upset because they've already been preparing, but their partner is often left blindsided and hurt.'
Basically, someone who is 'banksying' their partner has given themselves the opportunity to pre-grieve the end of the relationship, detach emotionally, and begin making plans for their future, while the unsuspecting partner ends up blindsided when the axe finally drops.
How is 'banksying' different than ghosting?
Ghosting is when someone ducks out of a relationship without saying a word. One day, they're just gone and cut off contact. With banksying, you stop reaching out as frequently, don't return phone calls or texts as often, make up excuses to cancel plans, and become more emotionally distant.
'Banksying involves enough interaction, albeit sparse and inconsistent, to sabotage the relationship from the inside,' explains Ally Iseman, a queer, kink-aware certified relationship coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure. 'Think of it like this: a ghost leaves nothing behind, like it was never there. Banksy leaves their work behind them, even if it destroys itself.'
Is banksying more harmful than ghosting?
Bankysing may be even more insidious because instead of leaving the relationship without telling you, someone attempting this move is emotionally manipulating their partner instead of admitting they want out. Ghosting may be cruel, but at least it's unambiguous. Banksying leaves your partner in limbo, not knowing why you're withdrawing and making them question the status of the relationship.
According to Iseman, 'Having breadcrumbs of a relationship, even if they are rotting the relationship from the inside, can be hard to step away from' because, unlike with ghosting, 'Banksying leaves you something to hold onto, even if it's elusive and inconsistent.'
Why would someone do this?
Banksying can be tied to people's fear of confrontation, emotional codependency, or lack of communication skills. But according to Anthony Canapi, a marriage and family therapist, LGBTQ+ dating expert, and the founder & CEO of Best Man Matchmaking and Transcend Matchmaking, some people also engage in this behavior because they crave emotional intimacy but 'don't have the bandwidth to commit because it becomes overwhelming." They may also do it because they want the relationship but don't want to put in the work, or they're insecure.
'People who feel they don't deserve love or fear eventual rejection might pull a 'Banksy' before they get hurt and feel it's the easier out rather than being honest,' and they may be hoping the other person will 'get the hint' and end things themselves.
Impola agrees, saying, 'Let's be real: ending relationships usually sucks. While breakups might be hard, showing your partner respect in that final moment is worth it.'
Are LGBTQ+ people more likely to engage in or experience banksying?
Banksying isn't unique to LGBTQ+ relationships, but queer people may be more likely to experience it. 'LGBTQ+ individuals may face unique challenges around communication, identity, or safety in relationships, especially in environments where they don't feel fully accepted,' Impola explains. 'These added complexities could contribute to different ways of navigating breakups, but the core behavior of banksying isn't limited to any one group.'
Healing after being banksy'd
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'Breakups aren't fun, no matter how they go down. If you experience banksying, know that your emotions are valid,' Impola reminds. 'Frustration, sadness, regret… no matter what, it's normal to experience a flood of feelings when a relationship ends unexpectedly.' If you want to confront the person who treated you this way, make sure you go in knowing you might not get the closure you want, and ask yourself if you are ok with that. 'Sometimes the best thing we can do is radically accept what we can't change and move forward with the lessons we've learned,' she advises.
Canapi also recommends not letting yourself fall into the trap of self-blame. It can be hard not to question your own worth when someone ends a relationship in such an emotionally manipulative way, but try to remember how amazing you are. 'They then start thinking they're the issue, when actually, if you've been Banksy'd, it's more about them than you. It's a red flag in disguise,' he says.
What does this toxic dating trend say about modern dating and hookup culture?
Canapi, who is the founder and CEO of two LGBTQ+ matchmaking services, says that while dating apps have made it easier to create 'intense emotional intimacy quickly' there is also a greater chance of harm, especially if you add in love bomdbing, trauma bonding, or banksying.
'Banksying is, at its core, a disappearing act to avoid emotional consequences, and in turn, you're causing so much more harm because it's promoting closure as optional; 'If I were to banksy them, they will get the hint that I'm not interested,' but fail to realize you're leaving someone at a cognitive rumination, where they replay everything trying to find clues or mistakes on what went wrong, when you're the one who has done wrong because you couldn't speak up,' he says.
What should you do if you're considering banksying someone?
If you're feeling the itch to get out of your relationship but think it would be easier to push your partner away and emotionally detach first, ask yourself why. Canapi recommends asking yourself these three questions: 'Am I feeling overwhelmed? Am I scared of intimacy, rejection, or hurting them? Do I genuinely not want this, or am I afraid of being vulnerable or honest?'
And then you need to be prepared to end the relationship in an open and honest way so that you're not wasting their time or your own. 'If you made someone feel seen, safe, or excited, and then go bye bye, your absence echoes loudly. Although it's hard, and it's not fun to be truthful and honest, that's what you signed up for.'
Have you decided to end your relationship and want to do it in a mature way, but have no idea how to start? Canapi has some prompts to get the conversation started.
Try one of these:
I've really enjoyed getting to know you, but I'm not in a place to continue this.
I realized I'm not ready for something deeper. You deserve someone who is.
Canapi says, 'You may be a person trying to navigate modern dating, maybe without the tools or emotional safety to do it well, but there's a way to do it ethically and that respects the other person. Next time, leave clarity, not confusion.'
Sources Cited:
Milla Impola, a sex, condom, and lube expert for ONE Condoms.
Ally Iseman, a queer, kink-aware certified relationship coach and founder of Passport 2 Pleasure.
Anthony Canapi, a marriage and family therapist, LGBTQ+ dating expert, and the founder & CEO of Best Man Matchmaking and Transcend Matchmaking.
This article originally appeared on Pride: What is 'banksying' & are LGBTQ+ daters more likely to be victims? Sex & dating experts weigh in
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