‘Fountain of Youth' movie review: Guy Ritchie's Indiana Jones wannabe is a mealy mouthed bore
The man with the painting is Luke (John Krasinski) and he is on the hunt for the titular Fountain of Youth for Owen Carver (Domhnall Gleeson), a corporate raider and multi billionaire, who is dying of liver cancer and hopes the Fountain of Youth will give him a fresh lease of life.
Fountain of Youth (English)
Director: Guy Ritchie
Cast: John Krasinski, Natalie Portman, Eiza González, Domhnall Gleeson, Arian Moayed, Stanley Tucci
Runtime: 125 minutes
Storyline: A disgraced archaeologist and a dying corporate raider hunt for the Fountain of Youth
The Fountain of Youth is protected by a secret society called the Protectors of the Path (see what I mean by a complete lack of imagination?). Luke is trying to find the Fountain of Youth from his father, Harrison's (gosh!) notes. While we do not know if Harrison was an archaeologist, grave robber or treasure hunter; the search for the mythical wellspring was his life's work. If any of this reminds of you of Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, then it is surely intended, what with Luke talking in his sleep and all.
As Luke flees Bangkok on a posh train, he is accosted by a mysterious woman, Esme (Eiza González) who also tries to take the painting from him but of course he escapes. Then we are in London where Luke's sister, Charlotte (Natalie Portman) is in the middle of a horrid divorce from Harold (Daniel de Bourg) and a custody battle for her 11-year-old son, Thomas (Benjamin Chivers) who is something of a musical prodigy.
Charlotte works at a museum and up pops Luke to steal yet another painting (he stole a painting from gangsters in Bangkok, which is why the scary men were after him). We learn that the clue to the path was hidden in the works of six artists including El Greco, Velázquez, Rembrandt, Caravaggio and Ruben. There is no The Da Vinci Code-style detour into art history with our favourite symbologist. Also, why anyone would want to hide a path only for it to involve such treasure hunts in anyone's guess. Such secrets ways are best lost in the mists of time.
After raising the Lusitania and shooting up the Austrian National Library, the merry band land up in Cairo and blast their way through pyramids that have not been opened for millennia and speed reading hieroglyphics to reach X, which marks the spot. Esme and her boss, the Elder (Stanley Tucci) as well as Inspector Jamal Abbas (Arian Moayed) from the Interpol are hot on their heels. Everything comes crashing down after the good guys have got the prize and the evil villains have earned their just desserts in the true tradition of adventure movies.
Ritchie's trademark style of slo-mos, flying coats in a blaze of bullets and bone crunching violence are anaemically present. Fountain of Youth is short on everything — from action and humour to thrills and locations.
Fountain of Youth is currently streaming on Apple TV
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