'Survivor' winner Parvati Shallow on commune childhood, divorce and queerness in memoir
The four-time 'Survivor' contestant is telling her story in far more detail than you've seen on TV in her new memoir, 'Nice Girls Don't Win' (out now from Penguin Random House). In this new tell-all, she goes behind her million-dollar 'Survivor' victory at 25, starting from her childhood in a Florida commune run by a tyrannical female guru.
'Nice Girls Don't Win' chronicles her journey to rebuild her life after public scrutiny, divorce and the death of her brother, accepting herself as more than the 'villain' persona she was given on 'Survivor.'
Parvati Shallow took this skill from her commune childhood to 'Suvivor'
Shallow's parents raised her in the Florida commune of controversial religious figure Ma Jaya Sati Bhagavati. They left when she was 9, after years of enduring "indoctrination of indentured servitude," abuse, financial demands and "love bombing" by leaders.
It was here that Shallow confesses she learned 'fawning,' a 'competitive likeability' that felt like a 'magic trick' to gain friendship and social status both in her school years and later on 'Survivor.'
From a young age on the commune, she realized that fawning was a survival skill to 'persuade someone to like us so we can escape danger.' The adults around her were rewarded for fawning over religious authority figures. It's this charm that earned Shallow the nickname 'Black Widow,' a contestant known for her cunning social strategy.
'Fawning is one of the most socially rewarded survival instincts of all time – other people love it when we fawn over them,' Shallow writes. 'We can amass friendships, money, coveted jobs, romances, and awards … and all you have to trade is your truth – if you even know what that is.'
Public scrutiny after 'Survivor' 'rocked' Parvati Shallow
Shallow came home from 'Survivor' to a wave of public scrutiny, many calling her a 'slut' or 'vapid whore.' Viewers came up to her in person and told her how much they disliked her. She felt her time on the show was 'powerfully transformative,' but realized the public didn't feel the same about her 'flirty-fawning strategy'
'The intensity of the backlash confused me. I'd always seen myself as a likable person. I'd been accepted and invited into diverse social groups with ease. I couldn't make sense of the harsh criticism I was receiving from simply being myself and playing a game,' Shallow writes.
She 'couldn't untangle the game from real life,' she writes, which led her to a spiral of controlling relationships with men and self-hatred.
Personal grief behind the scenes of 'Survivor'
Shallow returned to "Survivor" two more times after her win on her second time playing. She played in season 20's "Heroes vs. Villains" in 2010.
In "Heroes vs. Villains," Shallow writes that she was a last-minute switch to the villains tribe. Shallow recalls feeling 'hated' by fellow contestants and like an "underdog" for the first time. In her personal life, she was struggling even more. Just before Shallow left for filming, her 15-year-old brother Kaelan suffered a skateboarding accident and her best friend's brother died in an alcohol-related boating accident. When she got back home, Kaelan had started abusing the painkillers he had from surgery.
The experience left her feeling 'rejected and unlovable, like a real loser.'
'When the season eventually aired, it was strange to feel so far removed from the love that was being poured onto me from fans, production, and the network. … But because I was so deeply lost inside my frozen shame pit, there was nowhere for this love to land. I couldn't feel it, receive it, or own it. I was sure they were all wrong,' Shallow writes.
Shallow returned to "Survivor" again in 2020 because she and now-ex-husband John Fincher needed the money. Suffering from postpartum anxiety and struggling with her marriage, she writes that she knew returning to the show "would take whatever was left" of her. Later that year, her brother died of a drug overdose at age 26. They held his memorial over Zoom, which she said made her feel "numb."
Parvati Shallow felt 'alone' in marriage to 'Survivor' alum John Fincher
Shallow married fellow 'Survivor' alum Fincher in 2017 and had daughter, Ama, in 2018. She filed for divorce in 2021.
In 'Nice Girls Don't Win,' Shallow writes that she felt 'alone inside (her) marriage' and that the end of her marriage felt like she 'was being held against (her) will inside an agreement or contract that was too tight and there was no room for renegotiation.' She alleges Fincher only wanted her as a trophy wife and abandoned her on trips shortly after Ama was born.
Shallow and Fincher's marriage began to crumble further after she started exchanging flirtatious messages with another man on Instagram. After Fincher found the messages, they tried to repair their marriage, but Shallow still found herself sliding toward divorce. Then her brother died, and Shallow asked Fincher to financially support the family while she grieved, but she alleges he didn't follow through on his promise. It was her breaking point.
Then Fincher got diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer. Shallow shifted her priorities to focus on his care and support. Five months after his diagnosis, she proceeded with the divorce but still felt a 'wifely duty to help him through his cancer treatment.'
'I knew then that staying in my marriage would mean letting a part of myself die – the part of me that longed for real, honest love and partnership,' she writes.
'Traitors' helped Parvati Shallow reclaim the word 'villain'
Shallow appeared on Season 2 of 'Traitors,' during which she was in the process of a radical self-love and acceptance to reclaim the word 'villain.' At the time she was teaching an online course called 'How Villains Are Made' and working on her confidence. She was also in a relationship with comedian Mae Martin, who she says was supportive and transformed her outlook on love and gender. Shallow came out as queer in an Instagram post in December 2023.
On Alan Cumming's reality show, Shallow started as a 'Faithful' but was quickly recruited to be a 'Traitor." Because of the therapy and personal work she'd done, it was more difficult to lie without internalizing the shame and guilt that she was 'being bad.' But eventually, she was able to lean into playing the part – Shallow says she saw 'Traitors' as just a game, her decisions and lying not inextricably linked to her core personality like she did on 'Survivor.'
Clare Mulroy is USA TODAY's Books Reporter, where she covers buzzy releases, chats with authors and dives into the culture of reading. Find her on Instagram, subscribe to our weekly Books newsletter or tell her what you're reading at cmulroy@usatoday.com.
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