The aristocrat diet: why do posh people eat such beige, bland, boring food?
Age: As old as the aristocracy.
Appearance: Bland, rich, characterised by an absence of turnips.
Why no turnips? Because they're only fit for cattle. And no deep-fried food either.
On health grounds? No, it's just too lower class. But ice-cream is OK as long as it's homemade, set in a mould and sliced.
Who says? Posh people, according to Australian food stylist Annabel Bower, who once worked as a chef for a baron and his family.
When did she work for them? In the late 19th century? It was, admittedly, more than 20 years ago. But their habits and routines do sound a bit Victorian.
Any other dietary restrictions? According to Bower, minced or diced meat was never served. 'Because they're lesser cuts of meat,' she told Daily Mail Australia. 'They could only be given to children or used for staff meals.'
They sound quite insecure, these aristocrats. Do they think you can catch lower-classness from eating the wrong foods? They do seem particularly worried. You'd think the money would provide some kind of peace of mind.
So what do the poshos eat? They apparently like to keep things simple: pork sausages and mashed potatoes with gravy, chicken and leek pie, jam roly-poly pudding, sponge cake, chicken sandwiches with mayonnaise.
Are they allowed any food with colour? Yes, as long as that colour lies on the spectrum between white and beige.
And spices? Not really. Bowers says garlic and parsley were about as 'crazy' as she was allowed to get.
Is the aristocrat diet good for you? Yes and no. On the one hand, it's high in fresh vegetables such as carrots (only whole though, never diced) and low in processed foods, ready meals and takeaways.
And on the other hand? Aside from the carrots, it's mostly meat and cake.
Can you think of any examples of posh people deviating from this strict dietary regime? History tells us that Jacob Rees-Mogg once ate a deep-fried Mars bar.
Did he like it? He said it was 'absolutely delicious'.
It's a slippery slope. But is Rees-Mogg actually an aristocrat? He would really like you to think so.
So if I was thinking about adopting the aristocrat diet, how would I start? Step one: acquire a title and start hoarding wealth.
Do say: 'Let's have beef fillet again, what what.'
Don't say: 'Would you mind terribly if I ate with the staff tonight?'
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