Lighten Up: Auld Lehane for president

Irish Examiner

2 days ago

I threw my hat into the cattle ring at Macroom mart last Saturday afternoon, thus announcing to the world my intention to run for president of Ireland.
Granted, my action startled a few bullocks. But I felt this was a small price to pay for the sake of the nation.
My hat is in the ring now, and that's the end of it.
Over the next few days, I will get busy packing my bags in preparation for my new life in Áras an Uachtaráin.
And I'm looking forward to it too, there would be no point in me saying otherwise.
I will miss Kilmichael for sure, but just as an outwintered bullock finds comfort and warmth in a clean dry house, I will adjust to my new life in the Phoenix Park.
And as for the other candidates in the race, well let's just say they are not a concern of mine.
Without wanting to blow my own trumpet, or sound too cocky, but like Red Rum announcing his intention to run in a donkey derby, my victory is all but guaranteed.
To say I'm the best man for the job is an understatement.
When faced with the might of auld Lehane, I suspect most contenders will simply step aside, or wither away.
The only one I fear is Flatley.
Flatley, with his feet of flames, is the one fellow who could pip auld Lehane to the presidential post.
We both come from the land you see, and my fear would be we will split the farmer vote between us, thus reducing my chances of overall decisive victory.
But hopefully now Flatley will back away too, on hearing of my electoral gallop.
And, of course, while the new job does excite me, I still have a few questions about the role.
For instance, can one hold on to one's herd number and be president of Ireland at the same time?
I mean it would be a bit embarrassing if I went to the mart and threw a few bids on cattle, only to discover that as head of state, I can no longer purchase stock.
After throwing my hat into the ring last week, it would be rough justice indeed.
Also, I wonder how busy is the life of an Irish president during the summer months?
Or around silage season to be more specific.
Yerra, it would be great if I could get a week or two off in June or July to haul in a bit of silage.
I'm not looking for the whole summer, only a few days during a dry spell.
And finally, I wonder would it be possible for me to move to the Áras immediately?
November, and the election, is a long way off, and is a quare time of the year to be moving house.
It would be far better to move now, when the days are long, so that I could give a glance around the grounds to see if a slate is loose or a hinge needs oiling.
The election is only a formality anyhow.
And with victory virtually guaranteed, I would like to hit the ground running.
And speaking of running, don't forget come November to give auld Lehane your number one.
For remember, a vote for auld Lehane is a vote for me.