After an Abortion and a Separation, a 30-Something Flails Toward Adulthood
Part of what can be striking about such rebuttals, over time, is how little they vary. It can feel as if the people claiming they know you better than you do are reciting lines from an immensely popular, age-old guide to life. Somehow, you've never read it: If you did, it probably still wouldn't be for you. But how did so many people get their hands on this guide — and, in its absence, how sure can you be that you're leading the right life for you?
This question and its attendant bewilderment drive Sanjena Sathian's inventive second novel, 'Goddess Complex.' Thirty-two-year-old Sanjana Satyananda is in a state of profound confusion: After aborting the fetus she didn't want and leaving her baby-desiring husband back in India, she's staying at her sister's house in Connecticut while trying to figure out what to do next. Meanwhile, it seems that all of Sanjana's friends are turning into parents, joining a 'fellowship of mothers.' She feels left out, exiled: 'Once, I, too, had made sense, but of late, I was becoming less defined. I seemed to have abdicated my birthright citizenship to the nation of marriage and mortgage and motherhood, and beyond its borders lay uncharted terrain.'
Sanjana might be less troubled by these phantom alternate selves — by all that she is not — if she felt more at home in how she has defined herself. Though she's nominally pursuing a Ph.D. in anthropology at Yale, her research in Bombay has gone awry, and she's quit and then rejoined the program, doubting her faith in what used to be a vocation, a 'monastic higher calling.'
'Goddess Complex' is astute about the repetitiveness of misery, and how pain can accrete like an enclosing wall, rising to block out the rest of the world. As Sanjana's desperation builds, so do the grievances of those she loves. She masturbates to online real estate listings ('I set a minimum total price of $750,000'), and disrupts a friend's baby shower by getting high and yelling the word 'abortion.' Her sister kicks her out after she has sex with a 24-year-old in the backyard, captured on the security camera for Sanjana's 7-year-old niece to see. (She even allowed the 24-year-old to urinate on her sister's tomato garden, having heard that urine helps tomatoes grow.)
Sanjana envies her sister's 'comfortable' life, even as she is exhausted by the 'extreme machinations' it requires to keep up. Instead of fulfilling the house-sitting duties her sister has assigned,
Before this perspective has a chance to feel stifling, 'Goddess Complex' takes a sharp, unexpected turn as Sanjana flies to India, where she intends to finalize her divorce but ends up at a remote resort run by her doppelgänger, Sanjena, instead. It is here that Sanjana's focus on her alternate lives turns literal, the novel swerving into a more frenzied chronicle involving elaborate deceptions, a cultish pregnancy influencer and a lot of blood. Startling behavioral twists become credible with the strength of characters' longing for parenthood. As Sanjana faces an important decision about her own reproductive fate, the narrative lifts her out of the limits of what she's imagined her life can be.
Haunting and hilarious, 'Goddess Complex' is at once a satire, a Gothic tale, a novel of ideas, a character study. Like any individual life, the book bristles with possibilities.
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3 days ago
- Yahoo
14 Signs Your Husband Isn't 'Difficult'—He's Emotionally Manipulative
Navigating relationships can be tricky, especially when you're trying to figure out if your spouse is just being "difficult" or if there's something deeper, like emotional manipulation, at play. It's crucial to understand the difference, as manipulation can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and self-esteem. Recognizing these signs can help you make informed decisions about your relationship and take steps towards a healthier dynamic. Here are 14 signs your husband might be more than just difficult—he could be emotionally manipulating you. 1. He Denies The Truth Also known as gaslighting, this is a form of psychological manipulation that makes you question your reality. If your husband constantly denies things he's said or done, or makes you feel like you're overreacting, he could be gaslighting you. Dr. Robin Stern from the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence describes gaslighting as a way to "sow seeds of doubt in your own memory, perception, or judgment". This tactic can leave you feeling confused and powerless. Over time, it erodes your confidence, making it harder to trust your own instincts. If you find yourself frequently doubting your memories or feelings because he insists they aren't valid, this could be a red flag. It's not just an occasional disagreement but a consistent pattern that undermines your sense of self. When you start to believe you're the problem, it's often because the gaslighter has manipulated you into feeling that way. Recognizing this behavior is the first step in reclaiming your mental clarity. Trust your gut if something feels off. 2. He Emotionally Blackmails You Emotional blackmail is when someone uses guilt, fear, or obligation to control another person. If your husband often threatens to leave or harm himself if you don't comply with his wishes, he's using emotional blackmail. This tactic is designed to manipulate you into doing what he wants by exploiting your emotions. It can make you feel trapped in the relationship, as you're constantly worried about the consequences of not giving in. The fear of his threats often keeps you in a cycle of compliance and anxiety. Living under emotional blackmail is emotionally exhausting. It keeps you in a constant state of stress, as you're always trying to avoid triggering his threats. Over time, this can lead to feelings of helplessness and a significant loss of self-esteem. It's crucial to recognize these patterns and understand that his actions are not your fault. Setting boundaries and seeking support can be vital steps in dealing with this form of manipulation. 3. He's Constantly Criticizing You If your husband frequently criticizes you, it might be more than just being particular. Constant criticism can be a manipulation tactic designed to wear down your self-esteem and make you feel dependent on his approval. According to psychologist Guy Winch, Ph.D., persistent criticism can have damaging effects on mental health, leading to depression and anxiety. Being on the receiving end of constant negative feedback can make you feel like you're never good enough. It's important to differentiate between constructive feedback and relentless negativity. Constructive criticism can be helpful, but when criticism becomes a daily occurrence, it's typically not about helping you improve. Instead, it's about gaining control by making you doubt your worth. In healthy relationships, partners support and uplift each other rather than constantly pointing out flaws. If you feel like nothing you do is ever right in his eyes, it's a sign that his criticism is more about control than care. Remember, your worth isn't defined by someone else's opinion. 4. He Gives You The Silent Treatment The silent treatment is a common manipulation tactic used to control situations. By refusing to communicate, your husband might be punishing you or trying to get you to apologize for something you didn't do. This behavior can create a power imbalance, leaving you feeling anxious and desperate to resolve the conflict. It forces you to walk on eggshells as you try to figure out what's wrong. The silent treatment is not a healthy way to handle disagreements and can be emotionally damaging. When communication is intentionally cut off, it becomes difficult to address issues and move past conflicts. This tactic shifts the focus from the actual problem to the discomfort of being ignored. The silent treatment can make you feel isolated and unsure of how to fix things, further increasing your dependence on him. Healthy relationships rely on open communication and mutual respect. Don't let silence be used as a weapon against you. 5. He's Always The Victim If he constantly makes himself out to be the victim in every situation, it's a form of emotional manipulation. This tactic involves shifting blame onto you, making you feel guilty and responsible for everything that goes wrong. Psychologist Dr. Stephen Karpman identifies this behavior as part of the "Drama Triangle", where one person persistently plays the victim to manipulate others. By always being the victim, he avoids taking responsibility for his actions. This can leave you feeling blamed and burdened with fixing issues that aren't your fault. Playing the victim can undermine your confidence and make you question your role in the relationship. It can create a pattern where you're always the one apologizing, even when you've done nothing wrong. This shift in dynamics allows him to control the narrative, keeping you off balance. Recognizing this pattern is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. It's important to set boundaries and not take on blame that isn't yours. 6. He Withholds Affection Withholding affection as a means of control is another sign of emotional manipulation. If your husband withdraws love and affection when things don't go his way, it's a red flag. This tactic can make you feel like you're not deserving of love unless you comply with his demands. It creates a cycle of seeking approval and bending to his will just to receive affection. This behavior can erode your self-esteem and create an unhealthy dependency on his validation. Love and affection should be unconditional in a healthy relationship. When affection is used as leverage, it becomes a tool for manipulation rather than a genuine expression of love. It's important to recognize that you deserve affection even when disagreements arise. If you notice a pattern of affection being withheld to control your actions, it's crucial to address this behavior. Love shouldn't be conditional or used as a reward. 7. He's Jealous And Possessive While a little jealousy can be normal, excessive jealousy and possessiveness can signal emotional manipulation. If your husband constantly questions your whereabouts or accuses you of being unfaithful without cause, it's a control tactic. Dr. Craig Malkin, a clinical psychologist, explains that extreme jealousy is often rooted in insecurity and a desire to control. This behavior can make you feel suffocated and untrusted in your relationship. It's important to have mutual trust rather than constant suspicion. Jealousy that crosses into possessiveness can isolate you from friends and family. It creates a dynamic where you feel like you're always under surveillance, monitored for any missteps. This can severely limit your freedom and diminish your sense of independence. Trust should be the foundation of any relationship, not a constant need to prove your loyalty. Recognizing when jealousy becomes a problem is key to maintaining a healthy relationship. 8. He Love Bombs You Love bombing is when someone showers you with excessive affection and attention to win you over. Although it might feel flattering, it's often a tactic to create dependency and gain control. This behavior can quickly turn manipulative, as the initial warmth is replaced with criticism and control. Love bombing can make you feel indebted to him, trapping you in a cycle of highs and lows. The abrupt change in behavior can leave you confused and longing for the initial affection. When someone uses love bombing as a tactic, the relationship often starts with a whirlwind of romance. However, the affection is typically short-lived and used to manipulate you into a false sense of security. Once you're hooked, the focus shifts to controlling you, often leaving you wondering what went wrong. It's important to recognize love bombing and understand that true love develops over time with mutual respect and understanding. Don't be swayed by grand gestures if they're followed by manipulation. 9. He Controls The Finances Financial control is a common form of manipulation in relationships. If your husband restricts your access to money or makes financial decisions without your input, he may be using finances as a tool of control. This behavior can leave you feeling dependent and powerless, as financial independence is a crucial aspect of personal autonomy. By controlling finances, he keeps you reliant on him for basic needs. This tactic can make it difficult to leave the relationship, as you may feel trapped without resources. Financial control often goes hand-in-hand with other forms of manipulation. It can prevent you from making independent decisions or pursuing opportunities that enhance your well-being. When your financial freedom is restricted, it limits your ability to take control of your life. Recognizing financial control is essential for reclaiming your independence. It's important to have open discussions about finances and ensure that decisions are made together as a partnership. 10. He Makes You Feel Guilty If your husband frequently makes you feel guilty for his unhappiness, it's a manipulation tactic. This type of behavior shifts responsibility onto you, making you feel like you have to fix things. It can create a constant sense of obligation, where you're always trying to make him happy at the expense of your own well-being. Feeling guilty for things beyond your control is emotionally taxing and can lead to burnout. It's important to recognize when guilt is being used as a weapon against you. Guilt should not be a tool for manipulation in a healthy relationship. It's natural to feel guilty occasionally, but if guilt is a constant presence, it's likely being used to control or manipulate you. This tactic often involves exaggerated claims or emotional responses designed to make you feel responsible for his feelings. In a healthy relationship, both partners take responsibility for their emotions and work together to address issues. Don't let guilt be used to manipulate you into compliance. 11. He Keeps You Away From Friends And Family If your husband attempts to isolate you from friends and family, it's a sign of manipulation. He may criticize your loved ones or create conflicts to keep you from seeing them. This tactic is designed to make you more dependent on him for social interaction and emotional support. Isolation can make it difficult to get an outside perspective on your relationship. By cutting off your support network, he gains more control over you. Isolation is a powerful tool of manipulation because it limits your access to alternative viewpoints. When you're cut off from loved ones, it becomes easier for him to dictate the narrative of the relationship. This can lead to a sense of loneliness and dependency on him for emotional needs. Maintaining relationships outside of your marriage is crucial for a balanced and healthy life. Recognize the signs of isolation and make an effort to keep your support network strong. 12. He Sets Double Standards Double standards are a common manipulation tactic used to maintain control. If your husband has one set of rules for himself and another for you, it's a red flag. This behavior creates an unfair power dynamic, where he can justify his actions while criticizing yours. The inconsistency in standards can make you feel like you're always in the wrong. It's important to address this behavior and establish equal rules and expectations in your relationship. In healthy relationships, both partners should be held to the same standards. When double standards are present, they create a sense of inequality and undermine trust. This tactic can lead to feelings of resentment and frustration, as you're constantly navigating an unfair playing field. Recognizing and addressing double standards is vital for maintaining a balanced and respectful relationship. Equality and mutual respect are essential components of a healthy partnership. 13. He Overreacts To Small Issues If your husband frequently overreacts to minor issues, it could be a manipulation tactic. By blowing things out of proportion, he creates a climate of anxiety and tension. This behavior keeps you on edge, always worried about triggering his next outburst. It can make daily life unpredictable and stressful, as you're constantly walking on eggshells. Over time, this can erode your confidence and make you doubt your ability to handle situations. Overreacting to small issues often serves to shift focus away from the real problems. It creates a diversion, allowing him to maintain control by keeping you preoccupied with minor conflicts. This tactic can leave you feeling like you're always in damage control mode, trying to prevent the next blow-up. In a healthy relationship, partners address issues calmly and rationally, without resorting to dramatic outbursts. Recognize when overreactions are being used as a form of manipulation and address the behavior. 14. His Behavior Is Inconsistent Inconsistent behavior can be a sign of manipulation, as it keeps you guessing and unsure of where you stand. If your husband is loving and attentive one moment and distant the next, it creates a cycle of unpredictability. This inconsistency can make you feel like you're always trying to earn his affection and approval. It can lead to feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, as you're never sure what to expect from him. This rollercoaster dynamic can be emotionally exhausting and damaging to your self-esteem. Inconsistency in behavior often serves to maintain control by keeping you off balance. When you're unsure of how he'll react, it makes it difficult to address issues or set boundaries. This tactic can create a sense of dependency, as you're constantly seeking reassurance and stability. Recognizing inconsistent behavior as a form of manipulation is crucial for maintaining your emotional well-being. Consistent and predictable behavior is a hallmark of a healthy relationship. Solve the daily Crossword
Yahoo
7 days ago
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I saved over $100,000 while studying at Yale. When I graduated, I helped buy my immigrant parents a house in New York City.
My immigrant parents struggled to afford New York City rent while I was growing up. While at Yale, I worked multiple jobs to save up money to help my parents out. When I graduated, I helped my parents buy their first home using the money I saved. On an evening walk during my freshman year at Yale, I noticed a homeless man slipping in and out of consciousness at the corner of a street. His breathing was shallow, his lips tinged blue, and he didn't respond to a sternum rub I gave him. Trusting my instincts, I reached for the Narcan I always carried in my backpack. Within minutes, the man regained consciousness. When I offered to call emergency services, he shook his head. "I'd just like someone to stay here with me," he said. He told me about his estranged kids and wife, about trying to rebuild what war and circumstance had taken from him. Though his identity as a Black man and Afghanistan veteran with PTSD was worlds apart from mine, there was something painfully familiar in his voice — a weariness I recognized in my own parents, two immigrants who, until recently, had no house to call their own and spent years chasing the elusive promise of the American dream. I recounted that interaction to my mother the next day. During our call, I made her a promise: I would take on jobs throughout college and save whatever I could to help buy her a house in New York. It's been nearly three years since I made that pledge, and shortly after my graduation this past May, we moved into our first house in Staten Island. As a child, the idea of a house felt abstract, almost indulgent When I was growing up, we made do with small Brooklyn apartments, and those spaces held all the joy in the world — toys, cartoons, birthdays lit by grocery store candles. As a teenager, that naivety turned into frustration. I visited friends' houses, gazed up at their chandeliers, and wished to have what they did. In New York, where the affordable housing crisis is at an all-time high, I always hated seeing my parents breaking their backs working odd jobs to pay rent as they age. To help afford the house, I worked alongside my college studies In my first three years of college, including the summers, my total income was a little over $110,000. Since Yale fully covered my tuition, living expenses, and food, in addition to providing an annual stipend, I was able to dedicate a large portion of my income to my savings account, which I jointly held with my mother. I had several streams of income while in college: shelving books and making copies of handouts for English professors, fixing printers, drafting op-eds, making videos for an edtech company, freelance tutoring and writing, and working on public health campaigns for the United Nations Foundation. I spent a summer in D.C., where most of my paycheck went to rent in the Dupont Circle, and another at the Ford Foundation, navigating the world of philanthropy. Some internships paid the bills, others helped me imagine a future career, and one turned into a job. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I thought of my parents, of how each job, each late night, was moving us closer to our goals. Seeing my parents in their home has made the hard work worth it When we finally bought our dream house, I brushed my fingers against the freshly painted walls. I couldn't help but think that in two centuries, this house would belong to a different set of owners. There would be toddlers I'd never get the chance to meet, growing up tracing the grain of these wooden floors with their bare feet, and teenagers sneaking their boyfriends and girlfriends through the back door. But for now, my family has a permanent home. It is comforting to know that my parents will have an enduring place for them to come home to as the demands of budding adulthood and attending medical school at Stanford University pull my attention away. I didn't want my parents to constantly ask for permission to exist, to find themselves tossed around in a country where immigrants are often made to feel like tumbleweeds. Right now, we are here. Mom is deciding where to frame a family portrait, and Dad is asleep in his room. I'm lacing my shoes, about to go on a run through my new neighborhood. It is a perfect July evening. There are still pops of fireworks overhead, even though the fourth was days ago. I look up, and I tumble into a memory, back to that night in my first year of college when I sat with the man on the street. He told me that bright things like fireworks and fireflies, as beautiful as they are, remind him of Afghanistan. However, he said that if he got the chance to see his sons again, he would not hesitate to work through his fears. He's a constant reminder to myself to meet people where they are, in my career and beyond. My parents may have more security now, but so many others are still waiting — at the payphone, for the other side to pick up, for a room, for a brief reprieve from the grind and grime of survival. We are all trying to come home. Read the original article on Business Insider Solve the daily Crossword
Business Insider
7 days ago
- Business Insider
I saved over $100,000 while studying at Yale. When I graduated, I helped buy my immigrant parents a house in New York City.
On an evening walk during my freshman year at Yale, I noticed a homeless man slipping in and out of consciousness at the corner of a street. His breathing was shallow, his lips tinged blue, and he didn't respond to a sternum rub I gave him. Trusting my instincts, I reached for the Narcan I always carried in my backpack. Within minutes, the man regained consciousness. When I offered to call emergency services, he shook his head. "I'd just like someone to stay here with me," he said. He told me about his estranged kids and wife, about trying to rebuild what war and circumstance had taken from him. Though his identity as a Black man and Afghanistan veteran with PTSD was worlds apart from mine, there was something painfully familiar in his voice — a weariness I recognized in my own parents, two immigrants who, until recently, had no house to call their own and spent years chasing the elusive promise of the American dream. I recounted that interaction to my mother the next day. During our call, I made her a promise: I would take on jobs throughout college and save whatever I could to help buy her a house in New York. It's been nearly three years since I made that pledge, and shortly after my graduation this past May, we moved into our first house in Staten Island. As a child, the idea of a house felt abstract, almost indulgent When I was growing up, we made do with small Brooklyn apartments, and those spaces held all the joy in the world — toys, cartoons, birthdays lit by grocery store candles. As a teenager, that naivety turned into frustration. I visited friends' houses, gazed up at their chandeliers, and wished to have what they did. In New York, where the affordable housing crisis is at an all-time high, I always hated seeing my parents breaking their backs working odd jobs to pay rent as they age. To help afford the house, I worked alongside my college studies In my first three years of college, including the summers, my total income was a little over $110,000. Since Yale fully covered my tuition, living expenses, and food, in addition to providing an annual stipend, I was able to dedicate a large portion of my income to my savings account, which I jointly held with my mother. I had several streams of income while in college: shelving books and making copies of handouts for English professors, fixing printers, drafting op-eds, making videos for an edtech company, freelance tutoring and writing, and working on public health campaigns for the United Nations Foundation. I spent a summer in D.C., where most of my paycheck went to rent in the Dupont Circle, and another at the Ford Foundation, navigating the world of philanthropy. Some internships paid the bills, others helped me imagine a future career, and one turned into a job. Whenever I felt overwhelmed, I thought of my parents, of how each job, each late night, was moving us closer to our goals. Seeing my parents in their home has made the hard work worth it When we finally bought our dream house, I brushed my fingers against the freshly painted walls. I couldn't help but think that in two centuries, this house would belong to a different set of owners. There would be toddlers I'd never get the chance to meet, growing up tracing the grain of these wooden floors with their bare feet, and teenagers sneaking their boyfriends and girlfriends through the back door. But for now, my family has a permanent home. It is comforting to know that my parents will have an enduring place for them to come home to as the demands of budding adulthood and attending medical school at Stanford University pull my attention away. I didn't want my parents to constantly ask for permission to exist, to find themselves tossed around in a country where immigrants are often made to feel like tumbleweeds. Right now, we are here. Mom is deciding where to frame a family portrait, and Dad is asleep in his room. I'm lacing my shoes, about to go on a run through my new neighborhood. It is a perfect July evening. There are still pops of fireworks overhead, even though the fourth was days ago. I look up, and I tumble into a memory, back to that night in my first year of college when I sat with the man on the street. He told me that bright things like fireworks and fireflies, as beautiful as they are, remind him of Afghanistan. However, he said that if he got the chance to see his sons again, he would not hesitate to work through his fears. He's a constant reminder to myself to meet people where they are, in my career and beyond. My parents may have more security now, but so many others are still waiting — at the payphone, for the other side to pick up, for a room, for a brief reprieve from the grind and grime of survival. We are all trying to come home.
